How I feel about my body after having two babies.

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There’s nothing I love more than a good Chrissy Teigen tweet. If you’re not familiar, where have you been?? Kidding. If you aren’t familiar with her, she’s a hilarious multi talented woman (and mother of two) who just happens to be married to singer John Legend. She’s massive on Twitter, you guys.

This morning I woke up to find reason #21937 to love her.

Luna is her first child and Miles is her second (a little baby John Legend clone).

Chrissy was first known to me as a model. She is absolutely effing gorgeous physically and the last thing I’ve ever noticed about her as a person is her weight. Her personality is so great, y’know? Yes, I’m a bit of a fan girl.

Anyway, back to the tweets…

I’ve been reflecting upon my own weight and body image and health a lot the last few days, so reading this tweet when I did really resonated with me.

I am about 9kg (so about 20 pounds – same Chrissy same!) heavier than I was before I fell pregnant with my son in 2011 (and have since had the Little Miss 14 months ago).

I weighed about 5kg more than I was when I got pregnant with the Little Mister when I had the amazing news that I was pregnant with the Little Miss. I had been through hell with hormonal fertility treatments and IVF etc so I was at peace with that. I was just happy to have our second baby on the way after struggling for so long to complete our family.

I was so relieved to never have to have gestational diabetes again after the Little Miss was born (and I was given the all clear) that I admit I celebrated a lot with food! I really really enjoyed the fuck out of everything I ate! Then some challenging times came and I started stress eating and being tired and suddenly the weight I was gaining was not welcome because it didn’t come from a place of happiness or health.

Even with all of that going on, I love my body NOW. Because I finally (after two babies) stopped associating my body image with my self esteem. If I look in the mirror and see a chubbier-than-she-used-to-be lady, I still love her. I don’t recoil in horror or become upset and hate myself like I used to. I still dress my body in clothes and I leave the house and I love who I am and it’s an amazing freedom I’ve never felt before in my life.

If I feel sad or want to fix something in my life, it isn’t just because of the number on the scales anymore.

But that doesn’t mean that I am not wanting to lose weight for health reasons. I’ve been struggling to make time for myself because for some reason, despite me being a big self care advocate, I keep putting other people/things first above exercise or better meal planning or better mental health saving moments etc.

I want to feel strong, fit, sane and agile. I want to reduce my risk of getting type 2 diabetes later in life (if you’ve had gestational diabetes your odds are higher or is that lower – I don’t understand gambling speak).

For about 5 seconds I shamed myself for letting my kid get to 14 months old without me doing anything substantial to change my lifestyle for the healthier. I wondered if people would think I was the only person who left it that long to ‘lose the baby weight’ (even though I did lose the baby weight at first – I just put it back on fast haha). I caught myself real quick and was like Kez – WTAF. The only reason you think this is because of all those fitness entrepreneur jerks who exploit this insecurity (and the people who mean well but buy into it). All of the tabloid media BS surrounding any celebrity who has ever had a baby. All of the Kardashians freaking out about their revenge bodies (look I do love them but they are as insecure as the rest of us, honey).

Anyhow, my point is, I saw Chrissy’s tweet and I felt so good. She’s so real and honest and that honesty is good for everyone. She isn’t looking to hate herself or change herself because the number on her scales is higher than it used to be. She’s just living her best life and she’s gone through IVF twice and she’s kicking arse as a lady boss and she may have all the luxuries in the world and access to the best help with anything she could want health wise, but she’s just damn glad to have her sanity and her children, even if she is getting used to a ‘new normal’.

She doesn’t owe it to anyone to share that personal information, but she volunteered it because she isn’t trying to keep up any kind of illusion. She doesn’t talk down about herself. She corrects people who think she’s some kind of super human who can “eat like this” (the implication being that she doesn’t gain weight no matter what she does).

I’m inspired by that.

I’m starting at the gym for the first time in years this coming week. I’m nervous and it’s weird and hard for me to think about making that decision just for me, but really, I’m worth it and I don’t think I’m going to regret it (even if I die a little in the first few weeks). I love myself now and I’ll love myself later.

I owe it to my children to be as strong and healthy and mentally resilient as I can be. Gotta fill that cup, use that oxygen mask etc etc (insert more cliches here).

I have some friends (one who helps me work through my shit by just being there to listen and offer advice and two who will go to the gym with me and who are already leading the way and showing me that it’s possible with toddlers aplenty) who have got my back and I am so glad to have a support network ready to rally around when I put my hand up and say WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING – HELP!

I don’t want my pre-baby body back (although in hindsight I appreciate it more than I used to haha). I want to be a new type of strong. I want to be a warrior woman who loves what her body has done over the last 7-8 years! That bitch has seen some shit and been through some shit and she’s older and wiser and stronger.

Me right now – loving how I look in a new dress.

How are you, my lovely? Where are you at?

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