How is it November?! I’m not complaining, though. I need this year to fly by! I want to meet my baby and I want my rash to go away! Not going to lie. It’s been a bit rough. But I’m here and I’m fighting. Most of the time. I mean, occasionally I have a cry in the bath and feel like my whole world is caving in, but I have a support system second to none and I am very grateful.
It’s time for me to take stock again (as I do every couple of months). Here’s where I’m at…
Making: social plans for the next couple of weeks has made me feel a little better, mentally. I’ve sort of had a lull in my calendar – sometimes just bad timing and other times my PUPPP rash exhausted me too much. I hope I can strike the right balance between trying to do too much and doing not enough. I need to be out in the world, keeping perspective, limiting my (literal) navel gazing time and feeling like a social creature who doesn’t totally suck at life!
Cooking: healthier dinners lately. I probably still need to cut down on carbs a little, but overall, I am striking a pretty good balance between protein and veggies, cutting out more sodium and sugar. I am trying to clean things up a bit in order to prepare myself for what I fear will be an inevitable diagnosis of gestational diabetes after I’ve had my glucose tolerance test (GTT) in another week or so (I had gestational diabetes the first time around with the Little Mister). I’m not perfect, though. I can’t quite totally quit chocolate or ice-cream. I know. I know.
Reading: In Order to Live by Yeonmi Park – it’s about a North Korean woman’s journey to freedom. I am so fascinated by those stories. Admittedly, I am reading this book super slowly. It’s kind of the thing I read when I can’t sleep but I don’t want to keep myself awake with social media or Netflix or something. I’m not saying the book is boring and puts me to sleep of course, haha. It’s just a soothing way to pass time until I’m ready to snooze! Because North Korea’s plight is so relaxing…SHUT UP, KEZ.
Wanting: what I can’t have. Normal skin. To not be itchy. But I have to accept that this is not my reality. I really have to work on that.
Looking: like a hot mess lately. But I have a nice hair cut. So I have that going for me.
Playing: Instagram stories, while lying on my bed under the air con, has become my favourite ‘time out’ thing to do.
Deciding: on where to meet a friend for brunch in a couple of weekends.
Wishing: there were more clothing options for me these days. I need soft, non irritating, flattering, non-rash revealing, maternity friendly clothing that doesn’t require difficult bra situations. Not a big ask, right? Wrong haha. WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL?
Enjoying: The Good Place on Netflix. I have the HUGEST girl crush on Kristen Bell, by the way.
Waiting: for the weekend.
Liking: quirky earrings. I want to become on of those people who collects them.
Wondering: if my rash will ever calm down enough that I can get through an entire week without a mental breakdown. That would be nice.
Loving: online shopping. If only my bank account loved it too. Biding my time until I can splurge next!
Pondering: on things for too long tends to drive me crazy at the moment. I have got to think less.
Considering: putting my dog inside for a while. She’s so bloody cranky and barks at everything she hears outside of our yard. I’m constantly policing her. She’s old and gives no fucks. But I give them. I worry about her pissing the neighbours off.
Buying: broccolini a lot lately. I am obsessed. OBSESSED.
Hoping: I can find the motivation/energy to finish the baby’s nursery before Christmas. I really want to be able to relax and enjoy the festive season, knowing it’s all done. I have a colour scheme all decided on – I just need to put it all into action.
Marvelling: at how term 4 of the school year is just about halfway done. It’s crazy how time flies. I am so excited to spend the holidays with the Little Mister.
Cringing: at the mess on my bedside table. I keep dumping stuff there. I really need to sort it out.
Needing: sanity. Anyone got some to share?
Questioning: myself. Constantly. Against my better judgement.
Smelling: like an old man who has just sat by a campfire, when I get out of the bath these days. I have to soothe myself using this stuff called Pinetarsol and it smells weird but usually works – unless I’m too stressed. The key is to not get too stressed before I soak myself. I laugh at the fact that half of the bath oil’s name is pretty much ‘arsehole’.
Wearing: a Target maxi dress. Remind me to put my bra back on before school pick up, please.
Following: some really great kids’ clothing brands on social media.
Noticing: that the inside of my left arm is starting to get itchy *eye rolls*
Knowing: that there will be a beautiful baby at the end of this rough fertility/pregnancy journey makes it worthwhile.
Thinking: about all the amazing things that are in store for my little family in 2018 is really exciting.
Admiring: people who can find the humour in anything.
Sorting: nothing out haha.
Getting: cool (and therefore less itchy) under the air con is my new favourite thing. I am scared of what our power bill will be, but honestly, it’s a small price to pay for my sanity (or some semblance of it at least).
Bookmarking: Christmas gift ideas. I’m secretly stoked that Halloween is over because now I am allowed to fully embrace the fact that Christmas is coming. I mean, I won’t decorate anything until December (I mean GEEZ – CALM DOWN) but I do love to think about it and plan stuff.
Coveting: any clothing that will make me feel attractive, when I’m feeling the least attractive.
Disliking: idiots. Self explanatory haha.
Opening: up about my more difficult feelings during this pregnancy has been really hard. I’m working on it. It’s not easy being vulnerable. Even with the people who have got your back the most. Yesterday I had to actually send my husband a messenger message to tell him how I was struggling because I couldn’t make my mouth work to say the words out loud.
Giggling: a little on the phone with my mum today was really healing.
Feeling: depressed and anxious lately. It’s been rough. I think I went from the trauma of infertility, the stress of IVF, straight into pregnancy, and then that pregnancy got difficult before I could process anything. I shouldn’t be surprised, really. All I can do is take the best care of myself and let others do the same for me too. I am strong. Only way is through!
Snacking: on Top Deck chocolate is my weakness. Remind me of this when my gestational diabetes diagnosis comes in.
Helping: myself by letting others help me is the lesson of the week for me.
Hearing: my favourite music always cheers me up.