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I’ve just been sorting through my Pinterest boards (my life is WILD). I’ve been cleaning them up and deleting all the weird arsed things I thought seemed like a good idea once. I came across a secret board I’d kept while we tried so hard to conceive the Little Miss (now 6 months old – our gorgeous IVF miracle). It was called, “Planning for Baby #2”. I was able to pin articles on infertility in there and birth announcement ideas etc. It was this little spot on the internet where I could save things I didn’t feel comfortable sharing and occasionally where I could let myself dream just a little. I feel like I am ready to let that board go (and I need to – I’m always in a constant state of healing), but there were some quotes pinned in there that really helped me to feel not-alone and at times hopeful. I thought I’d post them here, with the reasons they helped me through that time, so that I can keep moving forward (and maybe even help someone else going through a rough time to feel a little comfort).
I know inspirational quotes aren’t for everyone (and something I find helpful might make another person want to throw their computer/phone in the bin), so I am just sharing what resonated with me personally.
This quote reflects exactly how I felt. I think that reading it made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. Because sometimes when the odds seem to be against you and you’re sacrificing so much for something that might not even happen, you can feel like you must be an idiot. Like how can you justify putting yourself and your family through this struggle? This made me feel like someone else out there felt the same about something. I don’t know what it was but I would have put myself through just about anything to exhaust my options. I just knew I had to keep trying. I just knew that any hope was better than none. People probably thought I was nuts. Even if I did get pregnant, I risked all of the same difficult issues I’d had with the Little Mister (and a lot of those things happened). But there’s just something in a person’s soul that whispers that you’re not done yet. An inner strength that is willing to go through some tough stuff because you just know deep down this isn’t the end. I now know I wasn’t crazy. I look at my baby and it was absolutely 100% worth it and listening to my head and not my heart would have been a mistake.
This quote was about trust. I had to trust that if I was meant to be blessed with another baby, it would happen. Did I know if I was meant to have another baby? Nope. Not for sure (although my intuition kept screaming at me that things would be OK). But reading this quote reminded me that if a second child was meant to be mine, if that was my destiny, if that was what was meant to be, it would happen when it was supposed to. I had so much uncertainty to deal with, but this quote comforted me. I just had to do all I could do and then let the universe (or whatever you want to call it) do its thing. I basically had to have faith. This reminded me that if in fact it wasn’t meant to be, I might be really disappointed and heartbroken but I could trust that maybe there was another plan for me that in time I could accept and embrace and understand.
Yep. It was rough going through cycle after medicated cycle (using Clomid or Tamoxifen), going through blood test after blood test. Each new cycle I would have to wipe my tears away and start all over again. Sometimes it took a lot of courage and all of the mental and emotional strength I could muster up. I was not ready to give up but sometimes it was tempting to throw the towel in. I just had to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture. So many times I would read this quote while bawling my eyes out. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but it helped. Thinking of myself as brave and giving myself credit where credit was due, helped propel me forward.
None of these quotes are especially earth shattering or anything you haven’t seen on Pinterest a thousand times before, but this one resonated. I have long been a “tomorrow is a new day” kind of person. This was just another take on that. In the context of our fertility struggle, this reminded me that no day is like the last, even if it does feel like groundhog day (or should that be cycle). How did I know that the next time we tried something, it wouldn’t work? Each day was a new day. It was OK to take a moment to be sad each failed cycle, but there at the end of each stupid period I had, I’d pull my big girl pants up and march on.
Yes. A lot of the quotes I lived by were about trying again and again! I guess that was just the story of my life!
I didn’t always believe this quote and I’m pretty sure it was written as some kind of romantic star crossed lovers type thing, but I thought about it as my desperate desire to finally meet the baby I was sure I was meant to have. At least I hoped I was meant to have. I was holding onto faith and I was speaking to the little soul who was out there somewhere just waiting for an adorable little body that I could cuddle and love. I did that, you know. I talked to that little soul for a long time. I told this soul that we were ready to meet them and he/she would be so loved – they were already so loved – and that I was trying to respect that they had a plan and I couldn’t wait until it revealed itself but just so he/she knew, I was SO ready when they were. I guess some religious people might call it a form of praying? Anyway, that’s what I did.
I also bawled my eyes out to this Bonnie Tyler song a few more times than I’ve been willing to admit and I’m so sorry in advance for the tear jerker but holy shit, the lyrics…
And with that, I want to say to anyone reading this who is struggling, I don’t know your story and maybe my quotes pissed you off (I totally get it – sometimes I HATED the shit people posted because I just was not in that place at that time), but if you’ve made it to the end of this post I want you to know that I don’t know what the plan is for you and your family, but I promise you are not alone. I lost complete and utter hope more than a few times. You are stronger than you know.