Oh, baby. It’s a hard life.

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Pic I’ve found mine!

Look, I’ve been thinking. Being a (loved and treasured first world) baby doesn’t seem like such a bad gig. I don’t know why I ever gave it up. Really, the perks of the job seem quite appealing and there are things you’d never get away with as an adult. You know, things like napping however much you like throughout the day, demanding that you are carried (or wheeled) around everywhere and never having to find a toilet when you’re out and about in the middle of nowhere! Not to mention you hardly ever have to pay admission to get into any fun places and you don’t even have to save money up for flights (in fact if you choose the right airline they even give you a special bed to sleep in – in ECONOMY)!

Really, it seems like quite the dream job – it’s even like broadening your horizons and working in a foreign country. You don’t really speak the same language as everyone else and everything’s always new to you! What an adventure!

The hours seem pretty good. Sure, being a growing baby is a 24/7 kind of job but you achieve things even while you’re sleeping and everyone celebrates everything you did while you were out to the world (grew another centimetre or faced your head a certain way or even just stayed swaddled up all night without getting free and panicking that your arms had come to murder you)! Even the fact that you slept is celebrated! Imagine having a job where the more you sleep, the more people tend to adore you?!

It’s great when you’re your own boss as a baby. Everything gets to run on your time. When you want to eat, you eat. When you want everyone else to eat, they eat (if they’re not busy running some other errand for you). Your colleagues/employees are pretty awesome too. You can get them to do all your dirty work and they still smile at you and never give up! Nappy changing, spew collecting – the works! The work culture is pretty good too. You can get daily massages, time to read your favourite fiction books (or have them read to you by someone who is willing to speak in a silly voice) and at the end of a long day you get to relax in a lovely bath run by your butlers/servants/parents. The world revolves around you and no-one seems to have a problem with it!

You don’t get paid to be a baby, but you get lots of gifts and your position is all living expenses paid. The job comes with a home (fully furnished of course), any clothing required, health care, some wheels and personal drivers (for when you’ve drunk too much milk and can’t get yourself home – which is like, all the time). Your meals are hand delivered, pre-warmed and served to you while you recline in someone’s loving arms.

Hell, you can even “motorboat” as many breasts as you like and people will just laugh about how it’s all “instinctive” – basically you get away with anything. You can’t be arrested, be sent to prison (well I once saw some documentary on babies in prison but it was their mothers’ faults) or serve community service for committing a crime. You’re like a human version of a cute labrador puppy. You can’t do anything wrong. Butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth! Also, I’ve seen documentaries about cute labrador puppies who go to prison to be trained by convicted criminals, but let’s ignore that. You get what I’m saying…

The uniform is great. Each day you get to wear something new that is flattering, has been personally shopped for you and says, “Hey – look at me – I’m a cute baby!”
As you grow, you are able to wear new things. Each day, spare outfits are packed with you in case of embarrassing spillages and you are never stuck looking (or smelling) icky for very long.

Look, I know I’ve sold the job of being a baby to you all, but in the name of full disclosure I am bound to let you know that there are some downsides to the position.

– When you’re a baby you do have to endure a few things medically. Immunisations and the like (which can leave you feeling quite ill sometimes). However, it’s great that you don’t have to go to the dentist for a while on account of not having any teeth yet.
– You have no choice but to “go” in your pants each day, which can make you feel a bit squirmy and grossed out, but it’s never for long at a time.
– Sometimes there can be communication breakdowns. You may be hungry but someone will end up changing your nappy instead, that kind of thing. It can take trial and error but eventually all of your needs will be met.
– Occasionally you will become overwhelmed with the job of being a baby and this will distress you. A nice sleep on company time should do the trick.
– There is a bit of stigma attached to being a baby. Just google “adult babies” and you’ll totally get the wrong end of the stick, so to speak. There will be insults thrown your way such as “cry baby”, “you’re so immature you big baby” and that kind of thing. Don’t worry about it. They’re just jealous.

Really, it’s all a very small price to pay.

What’s your dream job?

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