My relationship with food.

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I have written about my body image before, but this time I want to focus on my relationship with food. I posted this on Instagram just after a family holiday, recently…

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I have come a long way in loving myself enough to know that my body’s appearance does not determine my worth or value, like we have been conditioned to believe for so long. For the most part, I have been able to live a better life because I haven’t let the amount of fat on my body decide whether I have a good day or a bad day like I used to. I don’t wait around for a ‘good’ body before I buy the nice clothes or treat myself to new activewear or whatever. I don’t diet before events. I just try to look after myself so I stay healthy. BUT… I’m only human. 2020 has kicked my arse emotionally at times and I’m an emotional eater. I’ve gained enough weight that I am not as comfy anymore and I’ve struggled to get my lifestyle on track in a way that means I move as much as I should. When we got to the beach on our trip away, old insecurities I hadn’t felt in a while crept back. I started to feel embarrassed about my body. I didn’t recognise my wider face in photos. I felt sad I didn’t have nicer bathers. I wished I had the confidence of my friends. When I first saw this photo all I saw was my board shorts sitting too low at the front, giving me a belly overhang. I saw my arms not looking toned or as slim as they used to. I saw chins (plural). I wanted to crop the shit out of it before even considering posting it on social media. Luckily, after giving myself a stern talking to, I got over myself. Because while I do need to lose weight for health reasons, it wasn’t my body that was the problem, it was my mind. I was NOT going to be in a beautiful place like this and boil in layers in the shade because I didn’t like how I looked. I was there to snorkel & play with my kids & make memories. I could buy more flattering bathers later (I rushed about before our trip & didn’t think about it much). I will lose weight eventually because I want to sleep better & avoid diabetes (after having gestational diabetes twice). But I was right there, right then & I deserved nothing less than to finally enjoy myself after a long year. I was determined to not let those awful thoughts (that I would NEVER think about anyone else) live rent free in my head. Love yourselves, babes ❤

A post shared by Keri @ Awesomely Unprepared (@awesomelyunprepared) on Oct 9, 2020 at 4:42pm PDT

I decided that when we got home from our holiday, I would use the momentum created while we were away to improve my relationship with food. I had realised not long before we went away that I was using it as self harm. I mean, OOF. I know, right?

I know Instagram influencer types will call food with a bit of sugar or salt in it poison or liken it to self harm (don’t get me started), but that’s not what I mean.

I was addicted to using it to punish myself, the whole time thinking that I was comforting or rewarding myself. I know it started out that way (the comfort thing), but at some point during 2020, without me realising it, I crossed the line.

I went from, ooh, I feel crappy so I’ll bring myself joy by eating yummy ‘sometimes’ foods a bit more often than sometimes to I’m having a shit day – fuck it. Let’s feel worse.

I KNOW.

I wasn’t enjoying it anymore.

I’ve put on a lot of weight in 2020 and I’ve come to terms with my appearance (although I obviously want to work on my health). I’ve made a conscious choice to love myself, without tying that love in with how I look or what I weigh. But mentally, I know I have work to do too. I’ve been really hard on myself about something from my past lately and I realise now that the two things are linked. I don’t want to carry that anymore (physically or emotionally).

Going away was a really good circuit breaker for me. My life revolved around friendship, social interaction, physical activities, and quality family time for a couple of weeks. This meant that food was not my focus. I did not have access to any and all food I wanted at any time. Meals during the day were when we could grab them (in a small town where choices are limited) in between having an amazing time with friends. Meals at night had to be quick, easy to cook on a camp stove or baby WeberQ and good for the kids. There were treats, of course, but it was not about soothing my soul or abusing my body anymore. There was joy and positive intention.

I knew that coming home, I would need to continue this mentality. Enjoy food without deprivation (for positive reasons), but also realise that I had been depriving myself of much more in life by constantly eating foods that made me feel gross (bloated and tired and flat). I was eating stuff out of habit, not because I was enjoying it. I felt bad about myself and the food made me feel worse.

I am working hard on not letting food rule me as much. I can enjoy food but not abuse myself with it. I’m not dieting. I’m not doing anything radical. I’m just asking myself before I eat: Am I actually hungry? What are my reasons for wanting this food right now?

I am checking in with myself and making sure I’m not hurting myself with food anymore. I’m trying to be more compassionate with myself. If I was somebody else, would I be this mean? Nope. I wouldn’t.

I am trying to start moving more. I’ve re-started a program called C25K (it’s an app), where you learn to go from the couch to running 5km over a few weeks. The first session made me feel so good. I had a sense of accomplishment and I worked muscles that made me stand taller and stronger, even after just half an hour. I was a ‘good’ tired afterwards, and not the shitty type of tired I was when I was eating for the wrong reasons.

I don’t know where this will take me physically (weight and appearance wise), but I don’t think that’s the point. I just want to treat myself better. I deserve my own respect.

I may joke about eating my feelings, but hasn’t really been that funny for me lately.

It’s time to make changes and I am glad I have made this breakthrough. I hope my habits will become healthier mentally, emotionally and physically in the long term.

What is your relationship with food like?