Expert parenting advice (not really).

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OK, so I have this friend. Yep. I have a friend. Stop snickering.

This friend has been accused of being a hipster (mostly by my brother), so of course she has moved to Melbourne to hang out with a bunch of cool kids (according to her Instagram), bake frittatas, wear mustard coloured sweaters, thick framed glasses and listen to music I haven’t heard of yet. She is living the single life and has no children…

So I thought…who would be better to ask for parenting advice? You don’t want me to answer that. It was rhetorical. Yes, rhetorical.

Yeah. OK. I just thought it would be funny to pose a bunch of typical parenting type questions for her to answer. Also, I was already putting up with her unsolicited, misguided and dodgey advice anyway. May as well have it ‘on paper’. You know. For the courts and stuff. I am using this information to determine whether I will ever let her babysit the Little Mister. I must say, it’s not looking good. Although, she’s in competition with another friend of mine (yes I have at least 2 friends – what’s your problem?) who believes duct tape is good for discipline and once spilt vodka on another person’s baby. I hang out with all the right people.

Disclaimer: If you need this disclaimer, you’re in the wrong place. Lighten up – it’s a joke post. Everything’s OK and all views expressed below by my dirty hipster of a friend are not necessarily the view of this blogger. She’s mental.

1. My 1 year old keeps bumping into furniture now that he’s learning to walk. What should I consider when childproofing? Turn a room into one of those IKEA ball pits. Ultimate childproofing. Or if that’s too extreme and you, for some bizarre reason, want your child to learn how to walk, STACK HAT. The ultimate fashion accessory of the 80’s.

Blogger’s note: I was once evicted from an IKEA ball pit for acting in a disorderly fashion. My mum had to come and get me. This brings back terrible memories. Also, Stack Hat…maybe not such a bad idea!! 1 point to the hipster who says she isn’t a hipster but it’s still fun to call her one anyway.

2. What types of foods should I be feeding my baby in order to best meet his nutritional needs? Chuck him an apple or something. Apples are healthy.

3. I’m heavily pregnant and I’m not sure what exercise is safe for the baby.  What do you suggest? I find 2 things wrong with this question. Firstly, why would you be exercising? Pregnancy is a time when you can eat pickles and peanut butter for breakfast and lounge on the couch like the fat whale you are. Secondly, I don’t actually believe in exercise, pregnant or not. The only ‘exercise’ I condone is sex and dancing. So why don’t you just pop on some exercise lycra, head out to the local nightclub and bust some moves. And if you’re lucky, you might pick up taking care of exercise option 2. And let’s face it, you’re not going to get any more pregnant.

4. My toddler is being really clingy (crying when I step away) and I can’t seem to get anything done around the house. Is there a way to somehow fix this? Pop him in a pillow case and peg him to the clothesline. The whizzing around will be fun and keep him entertained.

5. We have a baby monitor for when the baby is sleeping at night. My husband and I alternate the nights that we are ‘on duty’, but my husband seems to sleep right through his cries. What should we do? Beat your husband with a cricket bat until he wakes up. Or turn off the baby monitor if you can’t find a cricket bat.

6. I’d like my child to be bilingual. When is the best time to introduce a second language and how do we get started? Switch Sesame Street for SBS. They chances of them growing up to be bilingual / soccer star/ porn star are greatly increased.

7. My friend’s baby is turning 1 soon and I am not sure what is a good gift to buy her. What do you suggest? Use the money to buy yourself a present for surviving thus far. The kid is 1 and will be happy with a cardboard box.

Blogger’s note: Buy myself a present for surviving my friend having a baby for a year? Huh? OK. Are you even reading these questions properly?

8.  When purchasing a car seat for an infant, what safety features should I be looking for? Can it be easily removed and chucked in the boot? You need that room for when you’re the designated driver and you have to pick up your awesome friends from the pub.

Blogger’s note: And where would the baby be at this time? Just left at home with the TV remote? OK!

9. I am pregnant with my second child. I am worried about my first child getting jealous. What can I do to minimise this? Love your second child less. Although from experience, second children do tend to grow up to be the most awesome. So I guess you just need to tell the first child to man up and grow a pair.

Blogger’s note: My friend is clearly a second child.

10. I have this friend (who doesn’t have children) who keeps giving me advice about parenting. How do I tell her that it’s not particularly helpful? This is just silly. Your friend is awesome and incredibly smart. All her advice is useful. Always.

Disclaimer #2: These questions are just generic parent-y questions that anyone might ask (just read the internet). I am NOT KNOCKED UP :/ No rumours, please you naughty little minxes!

Do you have any questionable friends like mine? What’s the worst/weirdest unsolicited parenting advice you’ve ever received?

You can find my friend’s ramblings on her awful, terrible blog.  I really don’t recommend it. Not at all x

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