Tag: who I really am

Taking Stock: May 2017

It’s May! I feel like this year is zooming by, but I’m not mad about it.

It’s time for me to take stock, like I do every couple of months! It’s a great way to capture what’s happening in an exact moment of my life. I find I actually get quite REAL in these posts for some reason. You would probably find out some little things about me that I don’t mention anywhere else. Or not. Who knows. Let’s find out!

Making: time to catch up with myself on this lovely Friday. It’s lovely because it’s Friday and I have a day off from work or boring obligations!

Cooking: is fun on the weekends but not fun during the week when you’re rushed AF.

Drinking: wine tonight. FOR SURE.

via GIPHY

Reading: The Fifth Letter by Nicola Moriarty. I have only just started it. The themes behind the story really resonated with me when I was looking for something new to read, so here we are! I am stoked to actually have something to list here. I am reading more this year like I hoped I would! Not much, but more! Go me!

Wanting: to get to a place in my life where I can commit to anything social/fitness wise/financial without fertility stuff hanging over my head anymore.

Looking: at my Fitbit – I’m charging it right now, so of course I can’t walk anywhere.

Playing: my own music on the way home from the school drop off is the best. I never want to get out of the car because there’s always a good song playing! I think I need a long solo road trip – that would be the best!

Deciding: on what I will do exercise wise today. I think some treadmill time and some Fitness Marshall dance work outs sounds great. I just want it to be fun today.

Wishing: with all of my heart and soul for some fertility success this year.

Enjoying: the quiet. I love the quiet of my house right now.

Waiting: is difficult. I am getting more impatient as I get older, I swear it.

Liking: Instagram stories more now that it’s been around a while longer. I am using it more and looking at other stories more too. I think it’s just an extra procrastination tool to add to my snapchat addiction! I still think they stole it from Snapchat and WTF but it’s growing on me.

Wondering: if the weather will make up its mind about what it wants to do right now. I like that it’s trying to hold onto the warm sun, but I hate that it changes from one extreme to the other in one day! I never know what to wear!

Loving: the fact that I’m finding my own unique style again. Each year I hit a bit of a style slump but there’s no better feeling than picking myself up again and updating my wardrobe.

Pondering: over when I should return to my hair salon and enact the second part of my plan to get really rad hidden rainbow hair happening. I’ve already lightened it once, but I need to go back to get it really bright blonde for maximum fashion colour impact!

Considering: whether or not to start doing afternoon school pick ups through the kiss ‘n’ drop lane. The Little Mister has been nagging me (he thinks it’s such a big kid thing to do) and while the idea of never leaving my car sounds super appealing, a part of me knows I’ve been a bit absent this year at the school with all the fertility shit, so if standing awkwardly at the school gate for a few minutes a day so I get that great after school run-up-and-hug is what it takes to feel like I’m THERE, then I think I’ll do it. Maybe I can pick and choose a few days to do kiss ‘n’ drop when it suits. Compromise!

Buying: jeggings for the first time recently was a little out of character for me, but a great decision (and I can’t believe I’m saying that)! I made sure to buy the ones that basically look like jeans and weren’t too obvious. But the stretchiness of the waistband has been welcomed! My body fluctuates all the time (partly due to constant weird fertility treatment shit and partly because I love food) and I got sick of playing the ‘will I have muffin top today’ game.

Watching: a bunch of stuff on the go on Netflix lately. Chelsea, Riverdale, Designated Survivor. 

Hoping: I’ll get to catch up with some good friends soon. I’ve got a couple of peeps on my ‘must see soon’ list and as soon as my schedule becomes a little more predictable, I can’t wait to arrange something.

Marvelling: at the kindness of strangers. A couple of ladies with really full trollies let me go in front of them at Aldi today because I only had 3 items. They were so nice. That’s the kind of thing that I like to pay forward. I hope I get to do that for someone else soon.

Cringing: at the fact that I had to avoid a good (male) friend at the shops today. I had a bunch of bras in my hand and it just seemed like stopping to chat awkwardly was not something I felt our friendship needed in that moment 😂 I hid like a big baby in the womens’ accessories section until he was gone!

Needing: a few more nights of good sleep. As always.

Questioning: what amount of cleavage is a classy amount of cleavage. I have had the girls out a little more than usual lately. Slightly lower necklines and the like. Nothing too crazy or inappropes, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. I always worry people will judge me even though they shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t. I think I hid my chest area completely when I got pregnant with the Little Mister and had a bad rash (in 2011) and never got my confidence back again.

Smelling: nothing. No news is good news.

Following: the Facebook page of a local personal trainer who does group boot camps on the beach nearby. Her class times sound really good, I love being at the beach, I need to do something like this, but I haven’t figured out if I can commit yet. So I am watching quietly and biding my time like a really good stalker.

Noticing: that I feel nice and calm today. I’ve needed this after a week full of nervous energy.

Knowing: what I’m doing would be great. Generally. In life. Ha!

via GIPHY

Thinking: about my plans for the weekend. Hopefully I’ve struck the right balance between rest and getting out of the house enough to avoid insanity.

Admiring: people who are there for others, even when they have their own struggles.

Sorting: my wardrobe out still. I’m so excited to actually have clothes to wear this autumn/winter.

Getting: messages from my besties and just talking shit back and forth is always a great part of my day.

Bookmarking: silly videos I find on Facebook that I want to show Mr Unprepared later so he can laugh or cringe. I don’t know if my efforts are always appreciated 😂

Coveting: those Dyson stick vacuum cleaner things. Or a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner. One day I shall have one. One day. Just not for Mother’s Day. Because that might not go down so well haha.

Disliking: not much right this minute.

Opening: my fitbit app is the first thing I do each morning. I like to see how I slept. Sometimes this is a valuable exercise and sometimes it’s a self inflicted torture thing haha.

Giggling: about my people watching adventures in the school car park (yes my life feels like it revolves around the school car park – can you tell). I see some really great things that make me laugh (in a not obvious way of course).

Feeling: happy right now. In this moment!

Snacking: has been a problem. Mostly because there’s SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in my house right now. I am not normally a snacker or a chocoholic but the temptation is just too great (and the PMS has been real too).

via GIPHY

Helping: myself to relax by having a quiet day seems to be working.

Hearing: birds making noises in the distance. Which is so much nicer than listening to the recent ridiculous night time cat fights (they are not our cats but they think our place is an ideal battleground – gah)!


What have you been up to lately?

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak? 

 

5 things you should know about me.

Oh, boy. The US election has definitely kept me glued to my television in a ‘watching a train wreck’ kind of way. It’s kind of hard not to lose some faith in humanity over this – even from as far away as Australia.

The support for Donald Trump’s campaign has shocked and saddened me. It’s one thing to be disgusted by that awful, ugly man. It’s another thing to realise just how many people are willing to support him, despite his overt sexism, racism and every other kind of bigoted display imaginable.

In light of this (and other crap that has happened on our home soil too), I’ve decided to make some declarations about myself. So there’s absolutely no confusion. You don’t have to agree, but you don’t have to keep reading either. I just want you to know what I’m about and I won’t be shy about letting you know what I believe in. I think it’s important you know where I’m coming from (if you’re a regular follower you probably already had a hunch about these things)…

I am fighting the urge to type, “because duh” under each heading, but I’ll try to explain…

I believe in marriage equality

I believe (and know) whole heartedly that our sexuality is not a choice. We are who we are and we will love who we will love. Some of us have more fluid sexual identity or preference than others.

I honestly do not see how someone loving somebody else of the same gender affects my life for the worst. Because it doesn’t. No more than  Mr and Mrs Joe Bloggs from down the road’s marriage affects me.

I will always sign a petition to make it legal in Australia. I will always let my gay friends (and anyone else LGBTQ) know that I am with them on this, wholeheartedly – even if they don’t want to get married, they deserve the choice. To not even be given a choice is just horrible in this day and age. What is that saying to those who are coming to terms with their homosexuality? That they’re not valid as people? Holy shit. We can do better than that.

I am against racism (whether you admit you’re racist or not).

I am against the vilifying of entire racial groups, based on the actions/stereotypes of a few. I don’t care if you start your sentences with “I’m not racist, but…” or whether you belong to the KKK. Racism is racism.

I think that we benefit so much from learning about our differences. Just think about all of the inventions we use every day, the words in the English language we take for granted, the food we enjoy every day in Australia. If we benefit from these things, it would be ridiculously hypocritical to condemn entire races and cultures.

We shouldn’t hide behind ignorance. We should try to learn more all the time.

Don’t even get me started on what I think of people who insult people just for the way they look or what cultural clothing they are wearing.

I dream of a world where casual racism is no longer acceptable and where white privilege isn’t so glaring. We have a way to go.

I am a feminist.

Yep. The ‘F’ word. I am out and proud about that one! It’s about equality (as all of today’s facts about me are). Women are still subjected to sexism – both ugly and violent, and insidious and subtle, every damn day.

We’re pushing back and we’re fighting hard to create change. There are men who do not want to change the status quo because they don’t want to share their privilege or be shown up by a woman. It’s sad and it’s disgusting. As humans, we should not try to diminish another in order to feel better about ourselves, and yet we do it all the time when it comes to gender.

We as women have even been taught to oppress ourselves. Just look at all the ‘mummy wars’ on the internet. It’s horrendous. We don’t even know we’re doing it.

I am trying my hardest to teach my son to be the change we all need to see in this world. Imagine if we all taught the next generation how to treat each other with love and respect, instead of letting arseholes divide us?

I don’t care what religion you belong to as long as you’re an awesome human being and you have integrity.

While I think of myself as a pretty spiritual person, I don’t think I’m overly religious. In fact, sometimes I can feel pretty rebellious about it. It’s not anything against your God or other deities. It’s more about the ickiness of when a few corrupt, but powerful, people use the vulnerabilities of others to push their own agendas. I like to think of myself as a free agent. I’m on the side of good people. I don’t care what religion you identify as belonging to, if you believe in love (as a verb), acceptance and you have integrity. i.e. you’re not a hypocritical, closed minded dumb arse.

I believe human rights are more important than ‘free’ hate speech.

If you use ‘free speech’ as an excuse to say hateful things, we may not get along very well. I don’t mind us having a whole bunch of differences, but if your views seek to oppress another person or group of people, then I cannot be on your side and you should know that I believe that with the power of ‘free’ speech, comes responsibility. Be wise in your choices.

You’re either a good person who cares about others or you’re not. If you’re not, it is my free choice to not listen. So enjoy that freedom of speech, but don’t expect your trolling comments to be published on my blog or argued with on my Facebook page. That’s MY choice. It goes both ways.


Glad I got that off my chest.

What should I know about you? 

Note to self: my struggles are a part of my story.

Excuse me, but I’m going to get a bit deep right now. The last month or so has been pretty tough, emotionally. BUT…I think I’ve faced those struggles for a reason. Because now I’m in warrior mode. And I’m OK with that.

It’s been a challenging couple of years dealing with secondary infertility. I have found myself feeling the pressure, physically – it’s my body that isn’t doing what it should. I have felt emotional pressure – pretending that I’m OK on days when I really am not. I have felt like I have not been participating in my life – through no real fault of my own.

On top of that, I’ve obviously had all the usual pressures of real adult life and parenting.

I’ve been saying things to myself about how I have no ‘life’ and have been feeling depressed about it.

But that’s the thing. How do I define ‘life’? I’ve been defining it as that thing I cannot have. I’ve been defining it as all the things I could have done if my situation was different.

If my situation was different, I’d be able to say yes to so many more social opportunities. If my situation was different, maybe some of my friendships would be thriving instead of barely even there. If my situation was different, I might be fitter and slimmer (you can work harder if you’re not afraid of rupturing something important at certain times – and if you’re feeling better you tend to not eat as many feelings). If my situation was different, I wouldn’t have to pretend I was OK at the school gate when I’m not (because it’s just too awkward if you answer “how has your day been?” with “not good – I’m super infertile today thanks”). I could do more drinking of wine. I could take better medications when I feel sick. I wouldn’t be sick as often. I might be a lighter, brighter person.

But my situation is not different. It is what it is.

And I am finally beginning to embrace that. I can’t spend my time yearning to be the old me. The me from before all of these struggles. I can’t spend my time in a futile fight to be her again.

I am learning to embrace and empower who I am now. The chick with the battle scars. The one who is still standing, despite all the shit she’s had to deal with. What’s with talking about myself in the third person?

I was too scared to join support groups online because I thought that would mean this shit defined me or that I might be obsessed. I didn’t want to be that person who got ‘crazy’. But one day I realised that I am crazy. Because that’s what this stuff does to you. No matter how much you try to not let your life revolve around it, the sheer volume of tests and results and effort that goes into trying to have a baby ensures that ‘positive distractions’ are merely that – distractions. May as well be crazy with women from all over the world who actually understand what I’m going through.

I was sad because I could feel my friendships changing. Some have thrived and others have faded. I have decided to stop scrambling to pretend to be the old me so that I can keep everything the same. I am going to do what I can, when I can, but not so I can stave off the fear of being left out or because I’m killing myself worrying about what others think of my flaky social abilities. I am going to do these things because they feel good (hopefully for all involved) and keep me mentally healthy. And when I can’t do them, I won’t beat myself up, because true friends will understand, will check in, rally around, and won’t judge me for it. I’m in this situation whether anybody likes it or not!

I’m going to choose the way I look at my battle scars. I am going to take my power back. I am even seriously considering my first ever tattoo! Something that symbolises my strength and my open heart. Something to look at when life gets tough. Because it is. A way to show the world that I have been through some shit but I’m fucking rad and kicking arse. Just like everyone else, I have a story and this is mine. I earned those scars and it’s what I make of them that matters. Not to mention how strangely appealing it seems to choose to have a whole bunch of needles in my skin that will create something beautiful, after spending so long being poked and stabbed for reasons that aren’t so beautiful. I am going to wear these scars (whether designed by an artist or a surgeon) without apology. Pretty or not.

So I present to you, the new me. She’s not better or worse than before. She’s just different. And both versions of herself were/are awesome in their own ways and had/have flaws like everybody else. Oops – more third person talk. I can’t help it.

One thing I am is stronger. I have dreams and plans and I have back up dreams and plans and I have back up plans for the back up plans. I am going to land somewhere awesome no matter what. Because life doesn’t always go to plan and I know that better than anyone. I think it makes me more compassionate. More real. More able to roll with the punches.

I still have my shit days. I will melt down and I will cry my eyes out. I will feel sad. I will feel frustrated – angry even. I will have to pretend I’m OK during small talk sometimes. I’ll get lonely. But I will use those tough moments as fuel for my fight. I will wear my struggles like a badge of honour and not a sign of a secret shame.

These struggles are not all of me. But they are a part of me. And trying to pretend they aren’t just makes me feel worse. And it’s taken me two years to realise this. To truly realise it. The old me is gone. There’s a bad ass mother who’s seen some shit standing in her place. And I’d better not forget it.

True crime obsession confession.

OK, so I wanted to title this post Netflix and Kill, because I thought I was really funny and original. But alas, google (and my gut feeling) just told me that this is not the case. In fact, Urban Dictionary describes ‘Netflix and kill’ as, “Going over to someone’s house while they are watching Netflix and killing them.”

Which is creepy. And now I’ve googled it twice to give you that definition, so if anything happens to anyone while they’re watching Netflix today, I am going to be a suspect.

Anywaaaaay…now that I’ve rambled about why my blog post title is not more witty, I’ll get to the point.

I love true crime stories.

OK, so love is probably the wrong word. But I am obsessed and fascinated. Which is probably what they say about people after they’re found guilty of horrendous crimes haha.

That ‘haha’ was a nervous one. I’m innocent!

I do love that Netflix has a whole lot of series about true crime on it. And I also love that a lot of them are kind of dated. Like they have clunky theme music and bad 90s fashion. And the voiceovers are really hilariously dramatic, using awful murder related puns.

A lot of these shows often feature re-enactments. Which add a certain creep factor to them, but also involve a lot of bad wigs and probably a lot of badly paid actors. Sometimes when the actors are trying to play dead, while wearing ghastly ‘I’ve just been pretend murdered’ make up, they move a lot.

I don’t know what exactly draws me to this stuff, but I’ve always been fascinated by the mind and by how society works as a whole – our attitudes, how we view the justice system, why people behave the way they do – their mental states/conditions. What could motivate people to do such awful things – things a ‘normal’, well adjusted person would never in a million years be able to find it in themselves to do. Like how do people get to that place where such crimes seem like a reasonable solution to their problems??

I used to read true crime books a lot, but I find that harder to do since having a child. Firstly, it’s hard enough trying to find time to read a book uninterrupted around here, and secondly, I find a book a bit too all consuming and creepy – it’s just you sitting in the quiet with nothing but morbid stories and your imagination. If the crimes involve children, I am out. I have definitely softened (not a bad thing) since having the Little Mister! I just can’t even go some places in my mind anymore.

Which brings me to the fact that I make up the most ridiculous rules for myself when viewing these kinds of things on TV, because hilariously, I am actually a very easily creeped out person.

Kez’s never before shared rules (because embarrassing) for watching true crime shows:

  1. Watch these shows while doing something else. I might be doing housework (home alone of course – impressionable child and what not), catching up on filing/scanning at work (I work pretty much alone so I’ll mostly just listen to it like it’s a podcast), sitting down with my laptop open – catching up on the day’s internet. That way, I figure I am not too absorbed or invested in a horrible crime story, and can easily glance away or distract myself if some of the facts or photos/footage gets a bit too disturbing. I feel like I’m only half poisoning my brain with awful stuff. You know, as opposed to going with a full metaphorical poisoning. Because science. OK, so not science. Just my weird rationalisation that doesn’t make sense haha.
  2. Only watch stories on cases that have been resolved. I cannot watch any story that is still an unsolved mystery to this day, or where the unknown offender is still in action. Because creepy. And scary. Same goes for if the murderer/offender is still walking free in society or the justice system failed miserably in their case. Even worse if it’s happened in Australia. Because I live in Australia and holy shit I can’t handle it. Only exceptions I can make are for the Serial podcast (season 1) and maaaaaybe I could be swayed to watch How to Make a Murderer (although I think I would find it far too frustrating).
  3. Never fall asleep with a true crime doco on. I can’t do it. I am a very sensitive dreamer. I don’t want to dream about that shit. If I do, I will literally freak out in the middle of the night, have to turn on every light in my bedroom, and freak out about negative energy invading my sanctuary. So instead, I cleanse with a comedy. I do a comedy cleanse. I watch something hilarious and harmless, with lots of bright colours and daylight in it. Works like a charm.

In a nutshell I know way too much about serial killers for someone who is not  a serial killer, or in charge of catching them (but ignorant enough of the full horror that I can sleep at night – let’s be honest).

Also, sometimes when I have PMS I like to watch documentaries on ladies who kill (I recommend Deadly Women on Netflix) and pretend I’m taking notes, just to freak people out. By people, I mean my husband. And to be honest, he only really rolls his eyes and asks how I can watch that crap.

Sooo…is anyone freaked out by this knowledge about me? Or are you a fellow true crime obsessed freak? And by freak, I mean not truly a creepy freak, but like a well adjusted, slightly weird freak like myself. Because if you’re truly a creepy freak, I won’t sleep for days knowing you’re out there. OMG.

AND NOW I’VE GONE AND SCARED MYSELF. PUT A COMEDY ON AND CALM DOWN, KEZ. OH SHIT OH SHIT.

😂

Anticipatory Car Park Anxiety: It’s totally a thing.

Sometimes I get anxiety about a bunch of things (some reasons that make more sense than others). But I have this one anxiety quirk that has never left me. And I want to know if I’m the only one who deals with it…

I get anxious about where I’m going to park when I arrive somewhere. 

Like, for real.

If I am not familiar with the venue or area, I spend way too long worried about where my car will be situated. Like, my heart will actually race at the thought of it sometimes.

I will spend ages before I leave home, googling maps and wondering if it’s parallel street parking, whether there’s enough car spaces in the nearest car park and how much longer it will take me to get to my destination, if I have to account for finding a car space. I worry about where/when I’m allowed to park. What side of the road the parking is on and whether it is easy to access. I worry about how busy the area will be. WHAT IF I CAN’T FIND A SPOT AND EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET (what does that even mean). What the rules are for each car park: how long I’m allowed to park there for, whether it requires a ticket to be paid for, blah blah.

Because, despite my seemingly rebellious nature, I am a nervous, over thinking chook of a person when it comes to the idea of actually breaking any rules.

Yes. I am ridiculous.

This week, the Little Mister started kindy. I swear I spent so much time worrying about where I would need to park each day. I beat myself up for days for not remembering to ask anyone about this simple every day logistical thing ahead of time – I mean, I knew just about every other thing (trust me). His school has several car parks and I knew nothing of the rules. It was a little bit hilarious just how relieved I was when I got there (after scrolling through pages and pages of online official school documents to find a map) and realised that there were LOTS of places to park at drop off and pick up time. LOTS. And the ‘kiss and drop’ portion of the car park was clearly marked so I would not risk confusing it for a place to park in (we can’t do kiss and drop for kindy kids – obviously best to walk them in and out).

You would not believe how ecstatic I was. After finding my parking spot, I just knew the whole day would go well. Because my car had a spot.

It’s almost like I associate an easy parking experience with turning up somewhere feeling poised and confident and not flustered. Like it determines how well a meeting or an event will go. It’s like an extension of my social anxiety (which is a funny thing for a fairly outgoing person to have).

But like with any other anxiety I experience, it would do me good to remember that everything turns out OK in the end and is RARELY worst case scenario stuff. I haven’t been through anything I haven’t survived or learned from, right?

I mean, do you actually know anyone who couldn’t find a parking spot and that fact alone wrecked their whole entire lives/perception of themselves FOREVER? I mean, I’m sure there are rare exceptional circumstances in which this has probably certainly happened, but what are the odds? Come on, Kez. Get it together.

I am such a freak. Or am I?

Do you get anxious about weird things? Spill!!! 

20 things you probably didn’t need to know about me.

Hey, everybody. Hope you’ve all been enjoying your Easter time. We have! Lots of quality time with family and friends who are basically family. It’s been lovely!

Now it’s Easter Monday and I thought I’d have a go at this. I was tagged twice by lovely ladies on Instagram (one being the awesome Carly over at Ctrl+Alt+Mum – best blog name ever). I know it’s supposed to be an Instagram thing, but I am really shit at typing long things on my phone. I am just not patient enough. Which should be fact number one about me, which means I wasted one fact – just gave that one up for free. What a fool. So, anyway…here goes…

20-facts1-e1410485291445

1. My name is Kez and I am a carb-o-holic. It is probably the one single thing holding me back from being the skinny person I could probably be. I used to fight it. Now I have just accepted it. My main weakness? The humble (but spectacular) potato. I will eat it any way possible. I will feel like sh*t afterwards, but I will eat it anyway. I am terrible. Especially if I make potato salad. If I make potato salad, you are lucky you are getting any.

2. I like a good mojito. Enough said.

3. Most of my thoughts are about food (or cocktails). See above two facts. No joke. If we’re going somewhere, my first thought is not about the scenery or the company (sorry – love youse), but about what I will eat. Again: reason I am not skinny #35693.

4. I have a very real and valid concern that by the time I hit menopause, I will have a full blown lady moustache and sideburns. I am seriously considering getting pre-emptive permanent laser hair removal. This is not a joke. Sadly.

5. Sometimes when I’m in a change room and I get a bit stuck trying to remove an item of clothing (that isn’t mine), I temporarily freak out that I’ll have to live in it forever or that someone will have to come and physically cut it off me. I start imagining myself having to pay for it even though it doesn’t fit and how terrible that would be (and that’s the BEST case scenario). I was talking about it with a good friend yesterday and in between snort laughing, we agreed it’s totally a thing.

6. When I go to turn off the Little Mister’s bedside light after he’s fallen asleep at night, I stop and stare at him like a creeper and think creepy thoughts. Like, next time I want to bring my camera. And take photos of him asleep because he looks so beautiful and peaceful. And then I think that if anyone did that to me, I’d be a little disturbed. Mentally.

7. Sometimes when I’m alone I watch Hilary Duff movies. Or Dr Phil. How embarrassment.

8. I cycle on my exercise bike a million times faster when I listen to Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore. I dare you to listen to it and not want to move (or be in a ridiculously “Eff yeah! I’ve got this!” mood).

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zNSgSzhBfM]

9. I discovered sweet chilli and lime cream cheese dip the other day and I am not sure how I feel about it. It tastes like a lime cheesecake. On your savoury cracker/chip.

10. I am bad at maths. It’s not that I don’t try (most of the time). I just think my brain isn’t wired that way! Take that, Asian stereotypes.

11. I remember a lot of my dreams. Which makes me great fun to be around.

12. I love stand up comedy. The good, the bad, the awkward. I secretly wish I was brave enough to give it a crack. Taking me to a show is a quick way to get in my good books 🙂

13. I have a massive lady crush on Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And while Baby Mama could be a much better movie, I still love it so much. Because Tina and Amy. TOGETHER.

14. Speaking of crushes, I have this weird crush on Mark Ruffalo. it’s not what I would have expected of myself, but there it is. Now you know.

15. I am slightly ambidextrous. Which makes sports hard. I take half an hour to remember which hand/foot I use for everything. This makes a casual game of backyard cricket a bit awkward. I DON’T KNOW WHICH HAND TO BOWL WITH. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING.

GET OFF THE PITCH, KEZ.

16. I sign up for too many email thingies. And then I do a big unsubscribing purge and then I subscribe for more, sometimes only hours later. I am doing this all wrong.

17. Once, a stoned guy thought I was Jackie Chan. I’m still laughing about it.

18. When I’m bored I bake. I don’t really eat much of it any more (too busy eating potatoes), but I love the process.

19. When Siri has helped me with something, I always thank her. It’s only polite. I may need more adult conversation in my life…

20. I used to play the guitar. I have a beautiful guitar, hardly used, sitting in my home office (aka future lady cave). I really need to get it back out and brush up on my skills. I want the Little Mister to be around music more. AND I would feel like I was cool again. Kind of.

So there you go. I am not so sure I have painted a very attractive image of myself. But at least I’m keeping it real, homie.

I am too lazy to tag 20 people, but this is really fun. So if you have a spare 20 facts, blog them and I will totally check them out 🙂

Or you could give me your top 5 in the comments? Go on!! x

A person…trying on clothes.

This post has been inspired by Fat Mum Slim’s Photo a Day challenge xunnamed

Yesterday I went clothes shopping. Alone. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I made the most of the fact that there’s late night shopping on a Thursday and I was on a mission. I never usually have much time to try things on (a toddler isn’t always the best clothes shopping companion) and I was in desperate need of a few things to wear over the summer.

I had been reduced to one black dress (not as fancy as it sounds and the fabric was starting to take on that ‘slept in’ fuzzy look) and a pair of mummy denim shorts, both of which I had purchased when the Little Mister was a really little baby (he’s three in November). Sure, I’ve bought the occasional party dress (under pressure haha) or bunch of tops since, but my body shape has fluctuated and befuddled me ever since, making it very hard to find the right stuff. I am only now beginning to feel like I’m getting a handle on it.

I have spent a long time feeling like my ‘look’ has been very clumsy and dated. In fact, I’ve felt like I don’t even have a ‘look’. Unless you call it, “I am overweight and I am just trying to hide it all the time with the only two items I own that don’t make me feel TOO hideous.”

That’s not good enough, I’ve decided! Summer is coming and I can’t hide in daggy hoodies any longer!

I know I thought 30 was sooooooo old when I was 29 little, but it’s really not. I still feel young. I refuse to give up! I want to walk down the street, believing that I’m a little bit stylish and not completely out of touch with fashion. When my clothes are all worn out, that’s exactly how I feel. Worn out. I think I’ve earnt the right to feel worn out in nice clothes at least!!! 😉

I’m not talking designer labels and all the latest trends at once. Just a few simple, affordable pieces that let me feel like a part of the real world, while still being practical enough that I can wrangle play with my toddler without exposing anything indecent *ahem*.

Anyway, I picked a great time to shop. Sales everywhere! I got some really amazing bargains. Some casual dresses, some classy looking tops that make my new mummy denim shorts look a little bit more special, and some more work out gear (to help motivate me). I also decked out Mr Unprepared’s wardrobe while I was at it!

I also put a beautiful dress from Portmans on lay-by. When something fits your wonky and wobbly body, you secure it! I know there will be plenty of nice events to go to as the weather warms up, so it will be a great investment.

I probably won’t be able to go shopping for clothes again any time soon, so I am excited to have some stuff to tide me over. I’ve woken up today, actually looking forward to leaving the house. While I am certainly not depressed, nor anti-social, I had started to feel dread at having to put clothes on that are acceptable enough to be worn in public. It could almost convince me to stay in, because it all just seemed so hard. I’m not a superficial person by any means, but my self image has been suffering of late.

Don’t worry about me, because I feel really positive right now. I’ve decided to do something about it. I’ve already lost 1.5kg and I’ve taken some steps to focus more on self care. I have to speak up more and put myself first.

I didn’t buy the top I tried on in the photo, by the way. While the detail in the top part of it is so flattering, I felt like it was another top to ‘hide’ in (with a billowy elasticated hem) and decided to leave it behind. Small steps! 🙂

What little things will you do for yourself this weekend?

Key…and do car thieves read my blog?

This post has been inspired by Fat Mum Slim’s Photo a Day challenge x

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This is my car key. It’s not so flash. The buttons have disintegrated. Happens all the time. At first I thought it was because I was digging my nails into them by accident and I felt a bit bad about it, but over time (and conscious effort NOT to use my fingernails to push the buttons), I have begun to realise that they’re just stupid buttons that were clearly not even designed for fingers to push them over the full life of a car. The later models all have flash, new and improved keys and I could probably just ask for a new standard key at the dealership, but it would cost a lot (in proportion to the age of my car) and I really can’t be bothered, to be honest.

The key still works, if I (ironically) dig my nails in and I just get on with my day. I’m sure that at some point my luck will run out and I’ll be forced to replace the key, but until then, I’ll make do.

Besides, what my key looks like means nothing to me when I invariably run around the house at the last minute, yelling out, “Where are my car keys?! I can’t find my car keys! We’re going to be late!”

Seriously…WHERE DO MY KEYS GO?

I have a theory that they become invisible whenever I’m in a rush.

We have a handy hook for them and when they’re not on the hook (probably this is the problem), they are usually in only 3 other places, which I will not reveal because I am a paranoid freak. Just imagine where you keep your keys and I think mine are probably in all those usual places too. Also, now that you know this, please do not come and steal my car. It’s not really that good of a steal. The cars across the road are much nicer and newer. OMG why are car thieves reading my blog?? And please don’t steal our neighbours’ cars. I was kidding.

And don’t hijack people, because that’s so not cool. It happened around here recently and it’s a little unnerving. So if you’re a car thief, hijacker reading my blog, don’t do it. Make better life choices. Just sayin’.

…And Kez has lost the plot.

Signing off!

Have you ever owned/bought something that didn’t last as long as it should have? AND DON’T TELL ME WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR KEYS. THE THIEVES ARE WATCHING. 

 

Button…and random thoughts that have nothing to do with buttons.

This post has been inspired by Fat Mum Slim’s Photo a Day challenge x

unnamed

About the photo: When I saw the prompt for ‘button’ come up, I knew exactly what I’d take a photo of. A hot pink button that fell off my favourite cardigan a couple of days ago. I added a couple of my fingernails, just because I love the colour (the home manicure skills – not so much – eesh – those cuticles). Anyway, my pink cardigan is so awesome. It was a bargain from Cotton On and it has helped me to brighten up every dull winter’s outfit ever. People are always commenting on how lovely it is. It’s the brightest piece of clothing I own and I feel good in it. The button popped off while I was mucking about with the Little Mister in the kitchen. My first reaction (Mum – close your eyes) was to check my cardigan to see which button it was (the top one) and then went, meh, you can’t tell. I’ll probably never sew it back on. Firstly, because I’m lazy (it’s just never on my priority list) and secondly, because I’m incompetent at sewing and have no desire to better myself in that area. I know I should, but I probably will never get too far. I lack the enthusiasm.

OK, Mum. You can open your eyes again (please forgive me and stop rolling your eyes)…

Random thoughts of the day.

I really don’t know how to organise my thoughts very well today. So I’ll just share some of my random musings with you and if you can find a way to put a ‘button’ related twist on this collection of thoughts, I will admire you greatly, because quite honestly, I doubt they’ll have anything to do with buttons.

1. Isn’t it a bit weird how good the skin of dead animals taste? I’m looking at you, Mister Pig and Mister Chicken. I mean, it’s kind of gross. Oh, hey, Kez. What are you doing? Oh, not much, just standing in the kitchen gnawing on the skin of a chicken carcass (leftovers from last night) and saying, “Mmmm delicious chicken skin…”

Seriously. Like, really think about it. WTF.

2. I spent all of yesterday driving extra carefully (an hour’s drive home) because a lady told me (via car to car mime) that something on my car wasn’t working. I assumed she meant headlight or something. But then I saw both headlights working perfectly in the reflection of a car in front of me. So I assumed it might be my indicators so I drove really carefully, staying in one lane as much as possible and giving lots of space when I did have to turn or change lanes. I also watched behind me like a hawk when braking in heavy traffic, making sure there was lots of space. In case it was the brake lights. I couldn’t stop and check because I was in a heavy flow of traffic, heading for the freeway. I got home. Checked all the lights. Everything was fine. The rest of my car appeared to be intact too. I don’t understand. Was she some guardian angel, leading me to drive more carefully, and somehow avoiding a terrible fate? Was she a bit bonkers? Was she just a terrible mime artist? Who knows. I’m just glad everyone’s OK.

Another WTF.

3. I realised I spend all my life trying to get the Little Mister to stop fighting off his sleepiness and give in, only to realise that I spend all my days fighting off my sleepiness so I will have the energy to convince him to stop fighting off his sleepiness. Go figure.

On that note, have you ever made yourself sleepy by trying to make your child sleepy and then your child is wide awake and you feel like you’re going to fall into a coma? I once almost rocked MYSELF to sleep when the Little Mister was a newborn. Nowadays, quiet time on long car rides (as long as I’m not driving of course), talking quietly and playing soothing music almost does it. They should invent some kind of invisible cloak that gives the wearer immunity to sleepy time techniques. I’d buy it.

4. I don’t know how I feel about a sequel to Magic Mike. I only just watched the first one. So many mixed feelings. If the sequel is never as good as the first one…where does that leave us? But…Channing Tatum…Life is hard. I face many challenges.

5. I burnt more calories going to a Play School concert with the Little Mister than I do working out. Parenting is physical work, everybody. Oh, and maybe it’s also because I forgot where I parked my car in a multi-storey car park…that probably helped.

Got any random thoughts to add to my weird collection? Seriously, I won’t judge you. Let it out. Do you like buttons? Am I asking too many questions?