Tag: secondary infertility

Mother’s Day shout outs.

I was just going to make a little Facebook post for Mother’s Day, but realised that I have soooooo much to say. Probably a bit too much for Facebook. Which wouldn’t be out of character ūüėā

Anyway, I’ll start with myself (what an ego – kidding – just getting it out of the way)!

I am so grateful to be a mum. When I say that, there’s a lot of weight to it. I have truly realised in the last 3 years of secondary infertility hell that being a mum is not a right. Becoming one is not a certainty for anyone. You can do all the right things (and then some) but at the end of the day it’s nothing but a crazy, lucky privilege (even if it seems to come easier for some). And for all my struggles to add to my family, I am so ridiculously grateful that I get to be called mum (probably 50,000 times a day – more on weekends and school holidays). I am so glad I get to whinge about about how hard it is and so glad I get to celebrate how amazing and heart burstingly fulfilling it is. Whatever happens from here on out, I will always be so glad that I have the Little Mister – he’s made me a mum and I am so glad he was meant to be in this world, hanging out with me and being my kid. I wouldn’t change that for ANYTHING.

Now onto my mum. My mum is amazing. She (and my dad) went through infertility struggles too. These led to the history making decision to adopt. And bam – there I was – in her arms (followed 3 years later by my bro). Well, not ‘bam’. It wasn’t easy. It was a long wait, with a lot of gruelling hoops to jump through. When you adopt, you have to actually prove you are going to be a good parent. It’s like having to earn a parenting license. Not many people have to do that. Maybe more should! But here we are. My mum is someone I have not always got along with (those teen years were a bit rocky!) but I have always been able to trust her. If she says she’s there, she’s there. If she says I need to figure something out for myself, it means she knows I’m strong enough. She’ll never tell me a white lie to make herself feel better. She’ll tell the the truth so I know I can believe her. She’s strong, assertive and confident. That inspires me. She’s also pretty effing amazing at putting outfits together and fantastic for the fashion advice! She’s been there for me emotionally, especially through the infertility stuff. She’s been there physically too. Babysitting and driving the Little Mister to school. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive network of people around me. She cries at the drop of a hat when talking about how she feels about being my mum and that makes me feel kind of special (can you IMAGINE when we went to see Lion together?!). My parents taught me that family isn’t just blood. Because of my parents, I am the compassionate people person that I am. I have no doubts about that. I love you, Mum!

My mother in law deserves a mention too. She loves the Little Mister to bits. She will never say no to being there for him or us and while I insist that we never take advantage of her, it is so nice to know she’s there in our corner. She always calls me on my birthday or checks in if Mr Unprepared is away. Thank you!

To my mums’ group. The OG MG. You have helped to shape my experience as a mum. We met on a fateful day in early 2012 (after a few weeks of trying to get the hang of leaving the house with an infant) and we’ve never failed to support each other or be there since. We have laughed, cried and stood up for each other. We’ve celebrated milestones and we’ve found out we are good drinking buddies when we can get babysitting too ūüėā Thank you – each and every one of you. For being exactly who you are and bringing together our crazy melting pot of personalities in the most wonderful way.

Now, onto you lot.

I wish all of my fellow mums out there an amazing Mother’s Day. I hope you are pampered and loved. I hope you feel safe and happy. I hope the most important people in your life have let you know just how special you are to them.

To all of the women who dream of being a mum, but have struggled. I am so sorry. This shit is hard. I hope that one day your dream is realised. I am sorry that today might be hurting your heart. I’m thinking of you.

To the women like me, who feel their family is yet to be complete – we are so lucky to have what we have, but it’s OK to want more. Our hearts are big enough. I send all of my love to you. I hope this year is our year.

To those who no longer have their mums around. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who have stepped up to parent and love children who are not biologically theirs, whether through fostering, adoption, blended family situations.

Happy Mother’s Day to the single mamas out there. That shit is tough!! I won’t even pretend to know the half of it! You’re amazing. You’re strong. You’re doing the best you can and that is bloody good enough. Probably more than.

My thoughts are with those who have suffered the loss of a child of any age – from pregnancy to adulthood. They were so lucky to have had you as a mum – even if it wasn’t for anywhere near long enough. My heart goes out to you.

Basically, if you are a mum in your heart, I wish you the best. Not just on Mother’s Day but all of your days. No matter what your situation is, I hope you have/find joy and laughter and love.

*raises glass*

To us.

via GIPHY

Taking Stock: May 2017

It’s May! I feel like this year is zooming by, but I’m not mad about it.

It’s time for me to take stock, like I do every couple of months! It’s a great way to capture what’s happening in an exact moment of my life. I find I actually get quite REAL in these posts for some reason. You would probably find out some little things about me that I don’t mention anywhere else. Or not. Who knows. Let’s find out!

Making:¬†time to catch up with myself on this lovely Friday. It’s lovely because it’s Friday and I have a day off from work or boring obligations!

Cooking:¬†is fun on the weekends but not fun during the week when you’re rushed AF.

Drinking: wine tonight. FOR SURE.

via GIPHY

Reading: The Fifth Letter by Nicola Moriarty. I have only just started it. The themes behind the story really resonated with me when I was looking for something new to read, so here we are! I am stoked to actually have something to list here. I am reading more this year like I hoped I would! Not much, but more! Go me!

Wanting: to get to a place in my life where I can commit to anything social/fitness wise/financial without fertility stuff hanging over my head anymore.

Looking:¬†at my Fitbit – I’m charging it right now, so of course I can’t walk anywhere.

Playing:¬†my own music on the way home from the school drop off is the best.¬†I never want to get out of the car because there’s always a good song playing! I think I need a long solo road trip – that would be the best!

Deciding: on what I will do exercise wise today. I think some treadmill time and some Fitness Marshall dance work outs sounds great. I just want it to be fun today.

Wishing: with all of my heart and soul for some fertility success this year.

Enjoying: the quiet. I love the quiet of my house right now.

Waiting: is difficult. I am getting more impatient as I get older, I swear it.

Liking:¬†Instagram stories more now that it’s been around a while longer. I am using it more and looking at other stories more too. I think it’s just an extra procrastination tool to add to my snapchat addiction! I still think they stole it from Snapchat and WTF but it’s growing on me.

Wondering:¬†if the weather will make up its mind about what it wants to do right now. I like that it’s trying to hold onto the warm sun, but I hate that it changes from one extreme to the other in one day! I never know what to wear!

Loving:¬†the fact that I’m finding my own unique style again. Each year I hit a bit of a style slump but there’s no better feeling than picking myself up again and updating my wardrobe.

Pondering:¬†over when I should return to my hair salon and enact the second part of my plan to get really rad hidden rainbow hair happening. I’ve already lightened it once, but I need to go back to get it really bright blonde for maximum fashion colour impact!

Considering:¬†whether or not to start doing afternoon school pick ups through the kiss ‘n’ drop lane. The Little Mister has been nagging me (he thinks it’s such a big kid thing to do) and while the idea of never leaving my car sounds super appealing, a part of me knows I’ve been a bit absent this year at the school with all the fertility shit, so if standing awkwardly at the school gate for a few minutes a day so I get that great after school run-up-and-hug is what it takes to feel like I’m THERE, then I think I’ll do it. Maybe I can pick and choose a few days to do kiss ‘n’ drop when it suits. Compromise!

Buying:¬†jeggings for the first time recently was a little out of character for me, but a great decision (and I can’t believe I’m saying that)! I made sure to buy the ones that basically look like jeans and weren’t too obvious. But the stretchiness of the waistband has been welcomed! My body fluctuates all the time (partly due to constant weird fertility treatment shit and partly because I love food) and I got sick of playing the ‘will I have muffin top today’ game.

Watching: a bunch of stuff on the go on Netflix lately. Chelsea, Riverdale, Designated Survivor. 

Hoping:¬†I’ll get to catch up with some good friends soon. I’ve got a couple of peeps on my ‘must see soon’ list and as soon as my schedule becomes a little more predictable, I can’t wait to arrange something.

Marvelling:¬†at the kindness of strangers. A couple of ladies with really full trollies let me go in front of them at Aldi today because I only had 3 items. They were so nice. That’s the kind of thing that I like to pay forward. I hope I get to do that for someone else soon.

Cringing:¬†at the fact that I had to avoid a good (male) friend at the shops today. I had a bunch of bras in my hand and it just seemed like stopping to chat awkwardly was not something I felt our friendship needed in that moment ūüėā I hid like a big baby in the womens’ accessories section until he was gone!

Needing: a few more nights of good sleep. As always.

Questioning:¬†what amount of cleavage is a classy amount of cleavage. I have had the girls out a little more than usual lately. Slightly lower necklines and the like. Nothing too crazy or inappropes, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. I always worry people will judge me¬†even though they shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t. I think I hid my chest area completely when I got pregnant with the Little Mister and had a bad rash (in 2011) and never got my confidence back again.

Smelling: nothing. No news is good news.

Following:¬†the Facebook page of a local personal trainer who does group boot camps on the beach nearby. Her class times sound really good, I love being at the beach, I need to do something like this, but I haven’t figured out if I can commit yet. So I am watching quietly and biding my time like a really good stalker.

Noticing:¬†that¬†I feel nice and calm today. I’ve needed this after a week full of nervous energy.

Knowing:¬†what I’m doing would be great. Generally. In life. Ha!

via GIPHY

Thinking:¬†about my plans for the weekend. Hopefully I’ve struck the right balance between rest and getting out of the house enough to avoid insanity.

Admiring: people who are there for others, even when they have their own struggles.

Sorting:¬†my wardrobe out still. I’m so excited to actually have clothes to wear this autumn/winter.

Getting: messages from my besties and just talking shit back and forth is always a great part of my day.

Bookmarking:¬†silly videos I find on Facebook that I want to show Mr Unprepared later so he can laugh or cringe. I don’t know if my efforts are always appreciated ūüėā

Coveting:¬†those Dyson stick vacuum cleaner things. Or a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner. One day I shall have one. One day. Just not for Mother’s Day. Because that might not go down so well haha.

Disliking: not much right this minute.

Opening:¬†my fitbit app is the first thing I do each morning. I like to see how I slept. Sometimes this is a valuable exercise and sometimes it’s a self inflicted torture thing haha.

Giggling: about my people watching adventures in the school car park (yes my life feels like it revolves around the school car park Рcan you tell). I see some really great things that make me laugh (in a not obvious way of course).

Feeling: happy right now. In this moment!

Snacking:¬†has been a problem. Mostly because there’s SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in my house right now. I am not normally a snacker or a chocoholic but the temptation is just too great (and the PMS has been real too).

via GIPHY

Helping: myself to relax by having a quiet day seems to be working.

Hearing: birds making noises in the distance. Which is so much nicer than listening to the recent ridiculous night time cat fights (they are not our cats but they think our place is an ideal battleground Рgah)!


What have you been up to lately?

Taking Stock: March 2017

It’s March already. What the hell. It’s shaping up to be a crazy month and quite honestly, the name ‘Awesomely Unprepared’ has never fit me so well as it does now. It’s time to take stock and capture this moment in time!

Making: The most of the little time I have right now before the Little Mister wakes up for the day.

Cooking: All the ‘sometimes’ foods more than sometimes. Must try harder to keep my diet (not ‘diet’ as in fad diet – ‘diet’ as in nutritional intake) on track.

Drinking: More water.

Reading: Amy Schumer’s book. STILL. OK, so not really actively reading it. BUT I WILL FINISH IT.

Wanting: Our journey with secondary infertility to end as soon as possible, please. I have told myself that 2017 is our year and I really really hope I’m not wrong.

Looking: at my computer. Because I’m blogging. Duh.

Playing: all my favourite music on Spotify on the drive home (alone) from the city on Friday was the perfect treat. I don’t usually do it because it eats up some data (I can’t download the songs to my phone because it’s chockers and has no memory available), but it was worth it. I don’t usually use much data anyway, so I think I’ll do this more as I’ll be up and down to the city a lot this month. When my data’s low, I’ll play all the podcasts I never get to listen to! It will be my version of me-time!

Deciding: on things and owning those decisions without doubting myself or caring too much about what other people will think is easier said than done but I’m working on it.

Wishing: I didn’t constantly feel like I’m fighting off a cold.

Enjoying: a very low key long weekend, socially.

Waiting: for new seasons of Catfish and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I know. It’s sad of me.

Liking: the fact that on this public holiday Monday, I haven’t had to worry about getting the Little Mister to school. A reprieve!

Wondering: why the Little Mister is up so early. I just heard his bedroom door. I know he’ll be good and stay in his room but that’s weird, anyhow.

Loving: my sleep lately. I’m not getting enough (7 hours or less on average) but I’m falling asleep nice and early without spending hours lying in bed waiting for the Zzzs to come.

Pondering: a lot of things. Because over thinker.

Considering: what I want to do with my day.

Buying: a new dress for a wedding soon. I do not know for sure if I’ll make it to the wedding, but damn it, I’m buying the outfit anyway.

Watching: a lot of Ellen lately. I’ve become a cliched housewife. I watch Ellen when I need to be cheered up. I have heaps of episodes saved onto my DVR to watch at any time haha.¬†

Hoping: So much hoping.

Marvelling: at my resilience. That makes me sound up myself, but sometimes I just don’t know how I keep getting up again and again. I’m glad I do.

Cringing: at the last couple of days and my emotional rollercoaster.

Needing: more alone time. I’m just feeling so greedy for it lately. I’ve already got it fairly good, but I’m craving prolonged solitude!

Questioning: my own judgement. Seems to be a theme with me at the moment.

Smelling: Nothing. My nose has been a bit stuffy.

Wearing: an old singlet that I’ve loved so much over the years, the fabric has taken on a PJ like quality so now I just wear it to bed anyhow.

Following: every Facebook article about Married at First Sight. I’m disgusted with myself haha.

Noticing: a new pimple on my jawline. Lucky me.

Knowing: when to follow your head vs your heart is really tricky.

Thinking: about my life, my relationships, the future.

Admiring: People who have survived struggles similar to mine. Makes me feel like I’m not alone and that there’s hope.

Sorting: the junk in my spare room is a task that haunts me. It’s always the first thing to drop off the priority list when life gets busy. GAH!

Getting: out of bed today will be hard to do. I’m so comfy.

Bookmarking: the result of personality type quiz I did. Apparently I’m an ENFP? I am not 100% sure that completely nails who I am but I want to read over it a lot more and think about it!

Coveting: ALL THE CLOTHES. I’ve only recently discovered that I like clothes shopping again. Now I want all the things that make me feel good. Party clothes, casual clothes, activewear, autumn winter stuff – basically every damn thing haha.

Disliking: the fact that I often chicken out of wearing a bright lipstick. I rock those bright colours and I should stop worrying that it’s ‘too much’.

Opening: the new app I got to track my food (it’s like a visual food diary). It’s called ‘Ate’ (in case you’re interested) and you take a photo of everything you eat or drink and decide whether this food is going to help you with your health goals or not. I think it’s going to be very interesting in keeping me accountable! Note: yesterday I was literally 0% on track hahaha. OOPS.

Giggling: at just about everything on Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been my nightly therapy. Don’t you just love when a TV show nails your exact sense of humour?

Feeling: a bit crappy. But OK.

Snacking: has been an issue for me this weekend. I must remember to only eat when I’m genuinely hungry!!

Helping: the Little Mister under the covers for a morning snuggle makes me happy.

Hearing: the Little Mister nagging me for breakfast!


What have you been up to lately?

2017.

A little while ago, I took some time to reflect on the year that was: Oh, 2016, you were a complicated beast.

Now, I would like to look forwards in time. What will 2017 have in store for me? What are my goals? What would I like to continue?

I feel like I’m going to leap into 2017 feeling awesomely unprepared (see what I did there?) and oh my goodness, if the last couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that life will never cease to surprise me.

Still, here are some things I would like to see! Whether life has other plans or not, remains to be seen!!

Goals:

Fertility

While I don’t really feel like writing about it anymore (it can be draining), it would be neglectful to not mention this: Some fertility success would be ideal! While I can’t control the outcome so I don’t feel like it’s an actual ‘goal’ so much as a dream, I do hope I can aim for being much more pro-active in the care I receive. More assertive when it comes to dealing with specialists. I spent a lot of 2016 finding my feet. I hope 2017 can be about Getting Shit Done and making sure the right people are helping me to GSD (Get Shit Done).

Finish the Lady Cave

This epic saga has dragged on for so long it’s embarrassing. I bought most of the furniture. I cleared out most of the junk from the room. I just had trouble directing the moolah towards getting new carpet (by ‘trouble’ I mean I always found other things to do/think about), and motivation towards moving the last of the heavy furniture from the room. It’s a bit crazy, how slow I’ve been at this. I’m sure you could analyse me and find some kind of deep seated emotional/psychological block that’s been holding me back! Either way, I am so ready to make this happen. A little bit of Christmas gift money and Mr Unprepared being a magical furniture removal fairy yesterday while I was out, has made me feel much more enthusiastic!

Now that I write a lot more and I work on my computer a lot, I am more than ready to have my very own blogging lair.

*evil laugh*

Support more small creative business

I know I practically live at Kmart or Cotton On or some of the bigger chain stores. Sometimes my wallet (and my time) can only stretch that far. But there’s something I really want to do. I want to spend 2017 thinking more locally too. There are so many unique things out there: clothing, gifts, etc. Stuff that would not only make my life at least 67% cooler (don’t fact check that statistic I just totally made up), but that would allow me to support those who are out there doing their small creative business thing. I have some special peeps on my wishlist. I’m going to stop talking about it and I’m going to start doing. Because some of that stuff doesn’t actually cost an arm and a leg like I used to believe! It might take a little extra planning but I think it will be well worth it!

Record my happiness more

I’ve written a lot of happy lists on this blog, but they have been quite sporadic lately. I’ve decided to participate in #100happydays¬†to keep me creative and in a positive frame of mind. I start on January 1st, 2017. You should join me! Just register at the website and get started – you can choose your own start date too! I really hope I can stick this one out. Or at least get to 100 within the year haha.

Things I’d like to continue in 2017:

  • Living healthily and striving towards my goal weight. I did so well this year, losing 5kg. I can’t wait to smash the final 3-4 I have left to lose. It really worked well for me, using the school term as a timeline for being really disciplined. If it ain’t broke!
  • It took me until the end of the year to get my shit together, but I finally started using online calendars to organise my life. I feel so much more in control now, so there’s no way I’m going to give that up! Note to self: figure out how to stop getting reminders via email. SO ANNOYING.
  • I’ve made some social changes in 2016. I’ve really enjoyed developing friendships that make me feel good about myself (and hopefully feeling like I do the same for them). I’ve redefined some boundaries and I’ve found my tribe/s. It feels good. I feel much more secure and happy friendship wise than I have in years. I want to stay on that path.
  • Adventuring. I did so much of it this year and it saved the way I look back on 2016. We already have a trip planned for March and we’re working on an idea for July. SO EXCITING.

What do you want to see happen in 2017? Do you set goals or resolutions, or would you rather poke your eyes out with a blunt object? 

Let’s talk about my 2016.

2016 and I have had quite the relationship. If I had to make it Facebook official, I’d be selecting “it’s complicated” as our relationship status.

Because there have been aspects of it that have sucked, but if it hadn’t sucked I might not have had such a good year. Are you confused yet? Like, on the one hand, I want to say this was the worst year ever. But on the other hand, I feel like I really had some amazing break throughs and adventures. I feel like I can’t completely write it off.

Let’s start with the stuff that sucked (in the¬†name of¬†getting it out of the way)…

OK, so maybe it was just one thing. It really really sucked to not be able to conceive a sibling for the Little Mister. Honestly, most things that sucked about my year stemmed from this. I estimate that I had blood taken from me at least 36 times (not including that month I was completely drained of everything having blood tests almost every second day of my cycle or the extra times we needed to be sure of something or when I had my initial standard tests when we decided we needed to get help). Yep. 36 times were just the routine blood tests. Routine. I hate that fucking routine. Some of those tests may have been late 2015 but I can’t be bothered fact checking right this second. I had a lot of blood taken, OK?

I also had at least 12 internal ultrasounds (you know what ‘internal’ means). Yep. It’s a pretty all-up-in-your-bits, confronting experience. Especially when most of the time, the results show it was a waste of time.

I had surgery. A laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. It was nerve wracking. I was sick a lot through winter – so much more than usual. My immune system was so screwed up and I really think it had a lot to do with all of this.

Maintaining some of my friendships proved really difficult. It was so hard to commit to things when you knew your period would/might arrive and wreck everything (and I’m not talking ‘normal’ periods – I’m talking hellishly heavy ones) or you’d be scheduling last minute doctor appointments and scans, all dependent on what your body decided or not decided to do at any given time. Or when you were sick all the time. Or when you’d had awful news and you were feeling so down that you just needed to curl up in a ball and have a brief pity party before summoning up as much resilience as possible¬†to be able to get back up¬†the next day. Some people bothered to ask about it and understood and showed me they were there no matter what, some people stopped checking in. I had to make some tough decisions to allow myself to stop feeling eternally guilty or left out. Or hurt.

Look, a lot of women go through this shit (and much worse). I hope I haven’t come across as totally melodramatic. While it has been an emotionally awful time, it did just become part of a routine and I did get on with it. What choice did I have if we want what we want? I guess, after two and a half years it starts to wear thin. I hope 2017 will be kinder in this aspect of my life.

Here’s the stuff that was good…

I had friends who really pulled through for me. I also learned how to develop friendships on my own terms so I didn’t always feel like I was at everyone else’s mercy when times were tough (the FOMO was strong in this one). I had friends who took the time to announce their pregnancies to me in the most heartwarming, kind and compassionate ways. I felt honoured to be told the way I was and so thankful for their kindness. I hope if you’re reading this, you know who you are.

I found friends who stuck it out with me through the infertility stuff, who never judged when I felt down or couldn’t be there as much as I wished I could, and who comforted me even though I imagine they understandably didn’t always know what to say. You tried and you were there and I cannot thank you enough. You helped me to realise I’m a good friend still too – some things/people led me to be¬†so damn hard on myself, but because of you I am learning to let go of that.

I finally swallowed my pride and joined some online support groups for secondary infertility. Finally, I was talking to people who had been through the exact same stuff as me. I have also found other groups with some of my blogging type friends, where I can just be me (even about the stuff that can’t be blogged).

I found strength inside myself that I never knew I had. I wish I didn’t have¬†to exercise it so much, but I would never take it back! I even became a bad ass comic book super hero, thanks to the love of my fave arty friend, Em.

She has¬†purple hair because I feel like you can’t not kick arse in life if you have purple hair (I dream of actually having purple hair – she’s a bit aspirational haha). Ripped jeans? Check. Lighthouse tattoo (to symbolise so many things but mostly¬†keeping myself and my family safe but also radiating light) and a big heart tattoo, because through all of this I want to remain open hearted and be a lover of life.

Em? You are amazing. Talented. Kind. I shall hang this in my (STILL not completed) office so I can see it every day. She/me symbolises those moments when I am struggling but then I remember I am tougher than anything that is thrown at me and I get the fuck back up. It’s probably a little weird but I have genuinely imagined this ‘hero’ every time I’ve struggled – she’s been so helpful. I highly recommend getting yourself made into a comic book hero (and I’m not even usually into that stuff!)! Hey, whatever works!

I had to ditch a lot of fear and stress. I lost a few kilos (the stress weight I’d added by eating my feelings) and I started living healthier.

I became a school mum. It was nerve wracking at first and I felt awkward and like I just did not have my shit together for half the year (at least) but I made it to the end¬†of the year¬†with a Little Mister who has grown so much in so many ways (I love that kid so damn much). I don’t feel so scared anymore. I feel a lot more settled and I feel like myself again. I think I’ve got this (ha – we all know I’m speaking too soon).

I went on a few adventures too. I said yes to things I would have hesitated to do in the past. The best way to keep my spirits up was to change the scenery – have a little respite. Sure, I wasn’t getting pregnant, but I did not want to stop living my¬†life. I might have felt like I was walking around with a big hole in my heart, but I filled my life with positive things – things I might not¬†have done if I was pregnant. It was not a perfect consolation (nothing is) but it was all a wonderful distraction and a way to make the best I could out of the situation I was dealing with.

I went to Sydney, Melbourne, camping in Kalbarri, camping in Augusta, saw Josh Pyke twice, Bob Evans once and I fulfilled my teenaged dream of seeing Unwritten Law! We grabbed life by the you-know-whats and had so much amazing quality time as a couple and as a family. I said yes more but to the things I ACTUALLY wanted to do. No regrets!

My friend Alice moved to WA to be with my other friend Trent – I cannot say enough about how happy that has made me!

I had the courage/good fortune to go after a working life that makes me happy and fits in with my crazy life. I have jobs that fulfil my creative side, my love of good grammar and my ability to wear whatever the fuck I want at the office. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been presented with. I like being a working mum (most of the time) and I am grateful that I can work flexibly, which helps me to overcome so many logistical challenges. My confidence has grown (after I had been out of the work force for a while) and I am excited to see where my professional life takes me.

What next?

I don’t know where 2017 will take me. I really hoped 2016 would bring me a baby or a pregnancy. I really thought I’d feel settled and more content. I guess I hope the same for next year (but with a few more adventures thrown in). I think I’ll be braver and I think I’ll be brighter. I do feel like 2016 shook everything up and put it back in the place it should be, all ready for next year. I just hope that fate comes to the party. I know I said that at the end of 2015 but shhhhh. I can’t help but be optimistic, even a little bit. Bring it, 2017. I hope that all of my loved ones have a good year too.

How was your 2016? 

Kez Gets Physical: Week 2 Update.

It’s been a big week for me, emotionally. Some of the (in)fertility stuff has done my head in and I spent a lot of time feeling utterly drained. Still, I am glad to be coming out of that headspace and after the Little Mister let me sleep in this morning (it was AMAZING), I feel ready to take on a new week of better health¬†(mentally and physically)!

So here’s my update for Week 2 and may I say I really am glad I’ve decided to document this “journey” (sorry – had to use the word) on my blog because just thinking about what I would have to tell you at the end of the week kept me on the straight and narrow!

Where I’m at

This week, I lost 0.9kg. I am quite happy with that! It’s almost a kilo and still above 0.5kg (which is what I’d consider a healthy weekly loss). In total, I’ve lost 3kg! I had a look back through my Fitbit stats and realised I haven’t weighed this low since 2014!

An interesting thing to note is that I’ve basically lost the weight I gained since we started trying to conceive a second child (yep we’ve been trying for over 2 years now). It feels really therapeutic to shed all the weight that came with comfort eating and feeling at odds with my body. I feel like I’m stronger now and I love that my body is reflecting this.

I had a goal of 70,000 steps for this week, but I admit I fell short with 60,185 (at the time of posting this).

Good choices I made this week

I ate out on Friday night with the girls. I knew this could possibly be challenging (so many temptations!), but I was ready to rise to the challenge of picking the healthiest thing possible for me from the menu. I managed to not eat spring rolls, prawn crackers or rice (while eating low carb suits me I am not preaching it to anyone else – you do you)! I had garlic prawns and mixed vegetables – delicious! I felt full and satisfied afterwards. I even weighed less the morning after! Awesome! Although, maybe I was also a little dehydrated after enjoying my first cider in ages haha.

I think generally that my nutrition was on point all week. I had to visit a delicious food truck for work mid week, but I had a very small (very delicious – highly recommend) portion and then went home for a salad I’d prepared earlier! I’m finding it’s getting easier and easier to say no to things that aren’t the best for me. I think I must really be¬†in the right space to create better habits for myself at the moment. I’ve tried similar things in the past and failed to sustain them. I really hope I can keep this up.

I went clothes shopping during the week, because I didn’t want to get caught out with nothing at all to wear when the weather gets good. I enjoyed trying on clothes (although my bank balance did limit my haul haha) and while I haven’t dropped any dress sizes or changed dramatically in appearance yet, I loved that I wasn’t bloated or feeling awful about myself. It was a great non food reward for my big efforts too. I had a revelation that if I keep these habits up, I won’t ever have to feel that worry that an outfit won’t fit one day because I ate the wrong thing the day/hour/minute before I put it on. I look forward to feeling consistently OK when trying on clothes, all day/night long (in a store or at home)! How freeing!

Here’s a rare mirror selfie of me…I felt good that day (and I bought the skirt)!

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Things I could improve

I might be feeling all empowered and generally quite good about myself, but I noticed that on Saturday after I’d had a bad (in)fertility appointment with my doctor the day before, and was feeling confused and tired and sad, I looked in the mirror and, for the first time in two weeks, thought I looked ‘fat’ and ‘gross’ and that I clearly wasn’t getting anywhere. I was surprised by such negative thinking. I realised that it was just my subconscious disappointment in my body – that it hasn’t been doing what I have wanted it to do for so long. I noted this and I realise I’m going to have to work on being kinder to myself during stressful times. I am realising that you can lose all the weight in the world, but if you don’t feel good about yourself on the inside, you will never appreciate it. How many times have we looked at a photo from 10 years ago, thought ‘wow I was looking good’ and then remembered that we thought we were fat and gross the day the picture was taken? I am going to try harder to see myself through kind eyes ALL the time.

My step count was obviously just under 10,000 down from what I’d hoped to achieve. I think I let stress and fatigue get to me on occasion and I do still need to figure out how to keep active on days when I’m working a few hours at a desk. I will just keep on trying. Any tips? I’ve tried walking on the spot during commercial breaks while watching TV at night, but that’s about it!

I think I’m doing well with my cardio, but I would like to start to incorporate some more strength exercises into my routine too.


How are you doing? You can follow my efforts with the hashtag #kezgetsphysical on social media! I’ve also¬†jumped on board with¬†BabyMac’s hilarious hashtag #notafatmoleforchristmas ūüėā

Taking Stock: September 2016 edition.

Yes. It’s officially spring (even if the weather hasn’t been notified yet)! I’ve really needed it to be spring. Winter felt like it went on forever this year. We apparently just had our coldest August in a couple of decades (don’t quote me on that – I haven’t fully fact checked)! I believe it.

Every couple of months I like to take stock and capture where I’m at in a particular moment. It’s been really interesting to read back and remember the ¬†things I was doing/feeling when I last posted.

Here goes!

Currently…

Making: Lots of snot. Ha. What an opener. But really. Enough with the winter illnesses. It’s spring now and I’m hoping this is the last of it, damn it!

Cooking: Hasn’t been as fun lately. I used to enjoy it a lot. Now it feels like an unnecessary burden every evening! I was talking about this with friends the other day. We were saying how we’ll get excited to make something but then the moment will come where we actually have to, and the enthusiasm just drains away and we remember that our kid/s won’t appreciate it and that we’re not doing it for fun, but out of obligation. I wish I could just eat cereal every night haha.

Drinking: A lot of water lately. I’ve gone from never drinking enough to just needing to sip on it all day. I think it’s the need to fight off this cold.

Reading: Not enough. Online or offline! I have a whole list of awesome kick arse ladies’ autobiographies I need to get through. One day!

Wanting: Warm weather. Carpet for my home office. More family time.

Looking: For my lip balm (I can never keep one within my sight until it’s finished). I’ve enjoyed wearing a lot of matte lip colour, but it dries my lips out a lot!

Playing: Snapchat stories in my down time – with no interruptions – is very soothing.

Deciding: How to structure this Saturday. I wish I didn’t have to use the word ‘structure’ on a Saturday, but it’s necessary these days!

Wishing: My bleeding uterus would hurry up and be over with this. I have a life to live and I do not handle things like the girls in the tampon commercials!

Enjoying: Some quiet time before the Little Mister wakes up for the day.

Waiting: To get started on an exciting opportunity I have been given.

Liking: How well I’ve handled this last (unsuccessful) cycle of trying to conceive. It’s f*cking hard, but I stayed fairly strong this time. Which is hard to do at this point. I think the key has been filling my life with joy, finding inspiration in amazing places (and acting on it) and remembering my inner warrior/bad ass. The same things might not work next time, but this has been good. I could probably dedicate a whole blog post to this if I wanted.

Wondering: When our time will come. Or whether it will at all. Wondering what life will bring and how I will adjust to whatever happens.

Loving: The Little Mister. I am so grateful to have him. What a gift. I definitely do not take that for granted.

Pondering: Always.

Considering: What to write here. Ha!

Buying: Some last minute Father’s Day bits and pieces.

Watching: The Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development,  and Chelsea (as in Handler) on Netflix. 

Hoping: For a miracle.

Marvelling: At how many doors open when you close others. When you are so ready for new things to come your way in life, and then it’s like the universe responds to your shift in energy. I don’t want to be that bitch, but hashtag fucking blessed.

Cringing: At the memory of that awful accidental FaceTime call the other day…

Needing: Positive news about my fertility situation. Soon. I just want some kind of sign that everything might be OK and will work out. But I know that’s not how the universe necessarily works. Still, I’m keeping an eye/ear out ūüėČ

Questioning: My recent food choices. I have been so slack. I’ve been eating so many processed foods and carbs and all the stuff that makes me feel crappy. WHY????

Smelling: Not much with this nose!

Wearing: A long sleeved nightie that shrunk the first time I washed it and so now it’s really really short, but I still try to wear it anyway.

Following: The publishing of this blog post, I am going to have a really nice hot shower. Bliss.

Noticing: That the floor of my bedroom desperately needs to be vacuumed. Oops.

Knowing: Who I am and not being (too) afraid to stay true to that has been the biggest gift of my 30s. Deep but true.

Thinking: About how to dress for today’s weather. Which is really cold. Brrr.

Admiring: People who can keep their houses clean ALL the time.

Sorting: My emails has proven to be surprisingly calming when I’ve had anxiety. Two birds, one stone!

Getting: Out more socially lately has done wonders for my sanity.

Bookmarking: Facebook videos I never get around to watching, because they involve swear words or audio that I won’t be able to listen to when I first see them in my feed for whatever reason.

Coveting: ALL the spring fashion. I am impressed by it this year. Some years are not for me. This year feels like I can definitely work with it and look half decent. YES! Now for me to win the lotto, please?

Disliking: Paying the bills. This time of year is EXPENSIVE.

Opening: My fitbit app to see how well I’m doing (not great)! I’m loving the new ‘adventure’ challenges though.

Giggling: When I think about my latest secret squirrel exploits.

Feeling: Disappointed that I’m not pregnant, but ready to start anew.

Snacking: Has been out of control lately. I blame PMS and cold weather! But really, I could do better.

Helping: Myself to stay fit and healthy has been falling down the priority list lately. I’m hoping to change that very soon.

Hearing: The Wiggles babysitting the Little Mister. Thank you, Wiggles!

So, what have you been doing/feeling lately? Leave a comment!

Note to self: my struggles are a part of my story.

Excuse me, but I’m going to get a bit deep right now. The last month or so has been pretty tough, emotionally. BUT…I think I’ve faced those struggles for a reason. Because now I’m in warrior mode. And I’m OK with that.

It’s been a challenging couple of years dealing with secondary infertility. I have found myself feeling the pressure, physically – it’s my body that isn’t doing what it should. I have felt emotional pressure – pretending that I’m OK on days when I really am not. I have felt like I have not been participating in my life – through no real fault of my own.

On top of that, I’ve obviously had all the usual pressures of real adult life and parenting.

I’ve been saying things to myself about how I have no ‘life’ and have been feeling depressed about it.

But that’s the thing. How do I define ‘life’? I’ve been defining it as that thing I cannot have. I’ve been defining it as all the things I could have done if my situation was different.

If my situation was different, I’d be able to say yes to so many more social opportunities. If my situation was different, maybe some of my friendships would be thriving instead of barely even there. If my situation was different, I might be fitter and slimmer (you can work harder if you’re not afraid of rupturing something important at certain times – and if you’re feeling better you tend to not eat as many feelings). If my situation was different, I wouldn’t have to pretend I was OK at the school gate when I’m not (because it’s just too awkward if you answer “how has your day been?” with “not good – I’m super infertile today thanks”). I could do more drinking of wine. I could take better medications when I feel sick. I wouldn’t be sick as often. I might be a lighter, brighter person.

But my situation is not different. It is what it is.

And I am finally beginning to embrace that. I can’t spend my time yearning to be the old me. The me from before all of these struggles. I can’t spend my time in a futile fight to be her again.

I am learning to embrace and empower who I am now. The chick with the battle scars. The one who is still standing, despite all the shit she’s had to deal with. What’s with talking about myself in the third person?

I was too scared to join support groups online because I thought that would mean this shit defined me or that I might be obsessed. I didn’t want to be that person who got ‘crazy’. But one day I realised that I am crazy. Because that’s what this stuff does to you. No matter how much you try to not let your life revolve around it, the sheer volume of tests and results and effort that goes into trying to have a baby ensures that ‘positive distractions’ are merely that – distractions. May as well be crazy with women from all over the world who actually understand what I’m going through.

I was sad because I could feel my friendships changing. Some have thrived and others have faded. I have decided to stop scrambling to pretend to be the old me so that I can keep everything the same. I am going to do what I can, when I can, but not so I can stave off the fear of being left out or because I’m killing myself worrying about what others think of my flaky social abilities. I am going to do these things because they feel good (hopefully for all involved) and keep me mentally healthy. And when I can’t do them, I won’t beat myself up, because true friends will understand, will check in, rally around, and won’t judge me for it. I’m in this situation whether anybody likes it or not!

I’m going to choose the way I look at my battle scars. I am going to take my power back. I am even seriously considering my first ever tattoo! Something that symbolises my strength and my open heart. Something to look at when life gets tough. Because it is. A way to show the world that I have been through some shit but I’m fucking rad and kicking arse. Just like everyone else, I have a story and this is mine. I earned those scars and it’s what I make of them that matters. Not to mention how strangely appealing it seems to choose to have a whole bunch of needles in my skin that will create something beautiful, after spending so long being poked and stabbed for reasons that aren’t so beautiful. I am going to wear these scars (whether designed by an artist or a surgeon) without apology. Pretty or not.

So I present to you, the new me. She’s not better or worse than before. She’s just different. And both versions of herself were/are awesome in their own ways and had/have flaws like everybody else. Oops – more third person talk. I can’t help it.

One thing I am is stronger. I have dreams and plans and I have back up dreams and plans and I have back up plans for the back up plans. I am going to land somewhere awesome no matter what. Because life doesn’t always go to plan and I know that better than anyone. I think it makes me more compassionate. More real. More able to roll with the punches.

I still have my shit days. I will melt down and I will cry my eyes out. I will feel sad. I will feel frustrated – angry even. I will have to pretend I’m OK during small talk sometimes. I’ll get lonely. But I will use those tough moments as fuel for my fight. I will wear my struggles like a badge of honour and not a sign of a secret shame.

These struggles are not all of me. But they are a part of me. And trying to pretend they aren’t just makes me feel worse. And it’s taken me two years to realise this. To truly realise it. The old me is gone. There’s a bad ass mother who’s seen some shit standing in her place. And I’d better not forget it.

The Happy List #43

Hello! How are you today? I’m OK. Had crappy sleep all weekend, but I’m excited because today I plan on getting back on the treadmill for the first time since forever (my health kept getting in the way). I AM PSYCHED. Gotta get my endorphins and stop feeling so wobbly haha.

Anyway, it’s time to share with you the things that have made me happy in the last week or so. Not the clich√© stuff everyone feels they have to say, but the stuff that has really made me feel good. It’s my way of reflecting on the week that’s been, before diving into a new week full of possibilities (and probably school mum fails and other ridiculous stuff)!

So here is my happy list!

Buying concealer for the first time

I mentioned a little while ago that my confidence had been shot to pieces with recent events. One of the things that really bothered me was my skin. All the mixed up hormonal stuff and the constant sickness before my surgery¬†meant that I was sprouting a billion (slight exaggeration) zits every month. I felt like an awkward teenager and not the self assured¬†32 year old woman I would have liked to be. While I’d love to be super awesome and realise I am much more than what’s on my face, I am not really there yet. So I did the next best thing and researched googled concealer (which I knew nothing about) and made a plan.

That simple purchase has changed everything! Now I don’t mind as much when I have a pimple and even though you can never hide spots perfectly, I have stopped wanting to hide in general! That’s progress!

Feeling recovered from surgery and optimistic about the future

I am finally starting to feel good, physically. I get a little bit sore at times, but I am stoked that 3 weeks later, I am able to go through the motions of a normal day without crashing halfway. I can work comfortably. I’ve caught myself sleeping on my stomach for the first time in weeks. I feel ready to do some light exercise. I can wear jeans for almost a whole day! Yippee!

Also, most importantly, I feel good about life again. That surgery answered some questions for me and while only time can tell if it will help the fertility issue, I am so glad to at least feel a sense of hope again. I realise these hopes could be dashed over and over like they were for the (almost) two years prior, but right before surgery I truly was feeling despondent and negative. It’s nice just to feel optimistic again. I worried that I never would.

At the very least, just knowing that my endometriosis has been removed is quite a joyous thought.

Taking the Little Mister for a haircut

I took the Little Mister for a hair cut the other day, because he tends to look a little wild. His hair has a really funny crown which makes his hair grow out all swirly and haphazard – it’s a real pain! His school is quite strict with uniform/dress code etc and while I’m sure they are a little more relaxed with kindy kids, I did not want to be the first kindy mum to find out that they’re not haha. There was no way we were going to make it through the last three weeks of term!

His hair grows ridiculously fast, so he’s been getting hair cuts since forever. He’s really used to it. He is getting so good at sitting still and he’s starting to get to know the ladies at the barber’s. This week, I almost died from the cuteness. He’s always answered the chatty questions he is asked while he sits in the chair, but this was the first time he initiated conversations. He was so earnest and he used the exact tone and timing you’d expect of an adult. I was blown away and it was so funny coming from a person so small they had to sit on a massive booster seat!

Afterwards, the lady who cut his hair (magnificently) told us she loved the chats and it made her morning. It made mine too!

Witnessing the Little Mister’s first ‘solo’ ferris wheel ride

We took the Little Mister to a country town festival over the long weekend. We’ve taken him every year and it’s so much fun seeing how he’s grown since the previous times we’ve attended. It’s good old fashioned family time and I love it.

This year we felt he was old enough to go on the kiddie ferris wheel by himself. He normally rides on stuff with his dad (ha – I totally dob him in) and has a ball, but that ferris wheel had been taunting him since he was old enough to be excited about rides. His day had finally come. He was so excited and he gave the ticket to the ride operator by himself (a totally big deal haha). He was sat with a little girl who was also going by herself for the first time and her mum and I almost lost it making “AWWWWWW” sounds – Mr Unprepared stood a safe distance away!! Seeing his little face light up each time they went around was just priceless. Stoked is an understatement!

Having a big cook up day on the long weekend

Last weekend I was able to rekindle my love of cooking. I spent ALL day in the kitchen. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to! There was no real time pressure like there is during the work week. I made chicken pot pies, some pin wheels for school lunches, a cake. BLISS.

Now that it’s winter, I am loving this stuff. I am a big fan of roasted veggies and soups right now.

Other stuff that has made me happy: 

  • Figuring out how to make emoji move in snapchat videos. It’s a simple pleasure haha. Do you know how? Hit me up (kezunprepared) and I’ll tell ya haha.
  • Feeling a bit yuck about something I found out and then feeling the liberation of realising¬†it’s not my circus and certainly not my monkeys.
  • Having a new healthy living challenge to look forward to – it starts tomorrow and goes for two weeks! Click here to find out more. Let’s just say I am going to have fun trying to eat a truckload of vegetables each day! Bring it!
  • One of my besties getting a fitbit so now we’re fitbit buddies too and it’s SO exciting! #addicted
  • Red wine. I have never been a red drinker, but I have recently realised it’s perfect in cold weather, all snuggled up at night. I’m grateful that one of my lovelies left a bottle at my house a lifetime ago and told me to keep it!
  • Laughing with the Little Mister and my parents as we tried to fly a kite in no wind yesterday. Hilarious.
  • The Judd Apatow show ‘Love’ on Netflix.

So, your turn! What has been making you happy this week? 

Endometriosis.

I want to have a little chat about endometriosis. Because I have just been diagnosed with it and, quite frankly, I am still learning about it. In some ways it’s a big relief to know I’m not just being a wuss each month – when I’m not leaving the house when it’s at its worst, and dreading my period like you would not believe. In other ways, it’s tough because it’s a relatively new problem to me (it seemed to get really inflamed a few months ago – going from a really small ‘not seen as a problem’ cyst to my current diagnosis) and I just want it to be gone.

So what the hell is it?

Here’s my most concise definition, gleaned from my basic internet research (i.e. Wikipedia – my old uni lecturers would not be happy haha)…

“Endometriosis¬†is a disease in which tissue that normally grows inside the¬†uterus¬†grows outside it.”

Simple right? Apparently my main issue is the endometriosis in my left ovary.

Here are some of the symptoms I’m primarily dealing with…

  • Bad cramping both before and during menstruation.
  • Very heavy period – to the point where I can’t even comfortably leave home for a few days. Trust me, you don’t want to know.
  • Obviously it’s not helping with fertility (I feel like that’s an understatement).
  • Social and psychological effects. I’ve been a hermit recently, when I’ve had symptoms, and it does get you down. Also, talking about periods all the time is considered to be quite gross, so it’s a bit embarrassing. You don’t want to be all, “Sorry everyone – can’t make it to that thing because I’m BLEEDING EVERYWHERE.” Thank goodness I at least have a name for it now. I also feel really guilty because I often don’t know how well I’ll be until the day of an event, which makes me look like a big flake when I have to cancel at the last minute. I hate letting people down and I hate the fear I have of being excluded next time or not having people understand. I also suffer from a lot of mummy guilt because it can affect whether the Little Mister gets to do fun stuff with me or whether he gets stuck at home too. Another psychological issue is the pure dread I feel about getting my period. It weighs on my mind for at least half of my cycle because I know it will disrupt my life so much and it affects the choices I have to make and how I plan my work/ school mum/exercise routine/social life. I don’t like it taking up so much of my time, energy and brain space. It’s stressful – things feeling like they’re up in the air, pending more symptoms, when I know my period will be due on certain dates (although I’m grateful to have a fairly regular cycle).

As you can see, the psychological stuff is what I’m struggling with almost more than the physical stuff right now.

I am booked in to have laparoscopic surgery for it next month. I’m nervous, but I am starting to really come around to the idea, because I just want my life back. I am really hoping it will help me. At first, all I could think about was the fertility side of things, but right now I just want to feel better each month. I guess we’ll figure out the rest later. If I let my mind dwell on the setbacks, it’s not a good place to be. I’m trying to just take all of this one step at a time.

If you have any of these symptoms, don’t feel like you have to soldier on like it’s normal. I’m lucky I’ve been closely monitored, but if I wasn’t already having really regular check ups/scans, I probably would have been less kind to myself, thinking I was just not matching up to those girls in the tampon ads – the ones who can do kickboxing and go clubbing in white pants, even though they have their periods. It can be hard enough to do the shopping or turn up for work sometimes! I can’t give you medical advice, but do get things checked out if you feel like your period is ruling your life.

If you have a friend who has a similar diagnosis, please be kind and patient. She’s¬†not just being a princess complaining about her period. It probably is everything she says it is. Every case might be a little different, so try not to compare her unfavourably with others. Try to find other ways to make her feel included, if she has to cancel on stuff or feels like she can’t commit, knowing her period is due. Don’t stop inviting her out. If she’s like me, she might be feeling insecure about being a lousy friend. Check in. We need to have more conversations about stuff like this and shake off the awkwardness.

Thank you so much for reading. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I am better by the weekend – I have a super rad trip to Sydney coming up and I plan on enjoying it!

Have you ever had endometriosis? Just wanna vent about being a lady in general? I’m all ears/eyes x