Tag: reflections

{From the Vault} We can’t control everything and I’m OK with that.

I wrote this post in 2014 and it sat in my drafts folder until now – the Little Mister was 2 years old. The first sentence kind of makes me laugh because I know it wasn’t always that easy (still isn’t!), but I still agree that we need to shake off the pressure we are made to feel because we can’t control everything. Life is messy. Kids will do what they will do – they’re their own crazy little people. Especially toddlers! We can provide them with the best environment to grow and thrive but sometimes it doesn’t quite go to plan. That doesn’t mean we’ve done a bad job x

I know I’m nuts, but I really do love the unpredictability of having a small child. It’s not for everyone, but I love that when I wake up in the morning I have no idea what the day may bring. I can make plans, but they might be abandoned. I can have no plans, but suddenly something unexpected (and hopefully pleasant but not always) comes along. It can be frustrating and even boring at times – not to mention exhausting – but somehow this stay at home mum life seems to suit me. Just like any paid job I’ve ever had, there are drawbacks and there are absolute perks.

Again, with me still sounding like an absolute nutjob, I really do find it liberating when plans go awry. It’s like the universe is giving me permission to just throw my hands up in the air and say, “Oh, f*ck it! You want me to just go with the flow, universe? I’ll show you how to go with the f*cking flow!”

I think I really do embody my blog’s title. I like to think that if I am unprepared for the situations life throws at me, at least I can be awesome at it 😉

I don’t always succeed (cue crying and eating a pile of hot chips the size of my head), but it’s my life’s motto these days. It’s what gets me through.

I’ll put up a fight when something goes off track (sometimes you do need that fire inside you), but I think I also know that there are occasions when I just need to step back and realise I’m so not in control of everything and that’s just gonna have to be OK for now.

May as well laugh about it (if appropriate – in most cases it is) and think of it as blog material!

I feel like in this day and age, new parents are told they can control everything. In fact, not only can we supposedly control everything, we are told we’d better bloody be in charge of everything or else we’re going to be judged! We’re told we can control everything from the way our pregnancy plays out, to how we give birth, to breastfeeding perfectly (something not all of us can do), making our babies sleep perfectly for 12 hours straight, to how smart our child is going to be and what their interests will be.

We’re told that if we do all of the ‘right’ things, we can totally achieve the desired outcome.

*cough* BULLSH-T *cough*

There are parents out there who can do everything ‘right’ and still face challenges a lot of us wouldn’t even be able to fathom. There are parents who don’t do anything right and yet, somehow against all odds, their children survive and succeed! Explain that, control freaks! Explain that!

We can give ourselves and our children all the best opportunities possible, but at the end of the day there are so many factors that can be out of our hands.

I feel like as parents, we need to refuse to buy into this controlling mentality and to be careful not to use it as a tool to make other people feel inadequate. There’s a difference between friendly advice that may or may not work, and judging someone: “Oh, life is harder for them because they didn’t do x, y or z”.

There is a difference between giving our children security, boundaries and discipline, and simply micromanaging every step they take until they have no confidence left to try something on their own and figure out that it’s OK to make mistakes or do something wrong and that they’re strong enough to recover and move on.

We get the hand we’re dealt and the only thing we can really control is how we respond. Sometimes that’s fucking hard to do, but it can be kind of empowering to figure out how to go with the flow and do our best with what we have. And if we’re really lucky we might have a really amazing support network around us to help make it easier. Let’s be that for each other.

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak? 

 

Taking Stock: January 2017.

Wow. You guys. We made it through 2016 and out the other side! It was a crazy year for me. Hard work, emotionally. And physically too. I would be lying if I said I’m not hoping that 2017 will be a little easier. Even just a little. I’m kind of tired, y’know? But I did learn so much about myself. I have definitely grown (2016’s manure was definitely a great fertiliser haha) and I think that’s what life’s about. We don’t always get what we want, but we get the lessons we need to learn. I would just like a less jam packed curriculum in the school of 2017, please! Maybe even a bit of a metaphorical summer holiday where everything’s amazing!

Every couple of months I ‘take stock’ and I am so glad that I get to do one in the new year. Feels right!

Making: A final decision on something that I was turning over in my head a bit towards the end of 2016. I think it’s the best thing for me and I’m glad to have some clarity.

Cooking: Nothing. Because I’m sitting in my bed! But maybe later I’ll make some pancakes. I’m just not ready to eat super healthy again yet – damn festive season!

Drinking: Sometimes it’s the only comfort when that time of the month arrives (despite my best efforts). Having a glass of wine or a cocktail is like a big ‘fuck you’ that helps me move on.

Reading: Is something I’d like to do much more of in 2017. I’ve started a Goodreads account and everything. It’s not so much a strict resolution for the year, but just something I’d like to quietly work on. I know this sounds dumb, but I was watching Pretty Little Liars last night (wild NYE obviously) and each time a character held a real, physical book in their hands I craved that feeling. While I do a lot of my reading electronically, I would love to pick up a select few paperbacks just to have that feeling. Might have to get rid of a lot first to make space though haha.

Wanting: Like I said in my little intro paragraph, I want 2017 to be easier. Sure, throw me a few life lessons, but make sure some really big, awesome stuff happens too, please!

Looking: A bit tired, bloated and fed up! I haven’t dressed nice in days or made an effort with make up etc. I can’t wait to return to the land of the living!

Playing: A snapchat video my brother sent me. Of him listening to the Cranberries’ Zombie in a club of some sort in Thailand. It’s kind of a family joke, because when the song first came out in the 90s, I played it over and over (and over and over) and my parents still hate it haha. We send it to them whenever we hear it!

Deciding: that while it really really sucks right now that my shark week is in its worst phase, I will make the best of this day, because it’s a new year and I want to start it with a positive attitude.

Wishing: For everything I didn’t get in 2016. I hope I’m blessed with those things this year. I hope this gets easier.

Enjoying: the fact that it’s 2017. YES. The dying days of 2016 (pardon the expression) were just agonisingly long for me!

Waiting: for the Little Mister to come barging into our room to greet us. I’m gonna yell ‘happy new year’ at him haha. (he did and I did)

Liking: My social life these holidays. I feel like I’ve struck a balance that suits me as a slightly introverted extrovert.

Wondering: If the Little Mister is going to be a furniture removalist when he grows up, because he’s always trying to move stuff and put it where he wants it. So annoying!

Loving: Slow movie days with the Little Mister when we’re all tired. We watched Matilda yesterday and everyone loved it.

Pondering: On what I achieved in personal growth in 2016 and what I can improve on in 2017.

Considering: Whether or not to pause this blog post and lie down or to keep soldiering on. I think I’ll keep going haha.

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Buying: My last online purchase was to support #fashionforaleppo by ordering a couple of fabulous tops from the Sunday Soldiers website (they’re an amazing local business)! I think we can all agree that what is happening in Aleppo is awful and Elise from Sunday Soldiers (in collaboration with a couple of other great little businesses) are actually those amazing people who are actively trying to do something about it. Consider making a purchase (literally 100% of the proceeds go to the cause) and help them to spread the word! (not sponsored)

Watching: The Little Mister running in circles around the living area of the house. HOW DOES HE HAVE THE ENERGY?

Hoping: Everyone has a great 2017. Not everyone will, statistically, but I hope that the good will outweigh the bad.

Marvelling: at how much emphasis we all put on a new calendar year beginning. Even though it’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years, it still seems to resonate with us that a new year means a new start. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Whatever motivates us to keep trying to grow and improve is fine with me! The trick is to keep it up all year long!

Cringing: at the fact that Donald Trump begins his presidency this year. Eep!

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Needing: to hire a Lego Nanny (TM). I invented that concept in my head. A person you can pay who will always want to build the more challenging Lego things with your child whenever they nag, so you don’t have to.

Questioning: whether I really should have had pancakes. I feel a bit gross now haha.

Smelling: the scent of pancakes in the kitchen.

Wearing: a massive oversized off the shoulder top because I’m chilling around the house and it’s comfy. It’s amusing how every time I wear it, the Little Mister tells me to put it back on my shoulder because it’s ‘falling off’.

Following: my instincts more would be a good thing to do this year. I ignored them recently on an issue, and learnt the hard way!

Noticing: That all the Christmas stuff needs to come down today. Or could I make that tomorrow? Sigh.

Knowing: more than ever, who I am, what I want (and will/won’t accept) in life, and what I have to offer has been the biggest gift 2016 has given me.

Thinking: All the time. Overly so!

Admiring: you for reading this. I know these kinds of posts aren’t for everyone! Thanks!

Sorting: my house and my life out will feel really good this new year! I started decluttering both physically and emotionally last year and I will be continuing that process. It’s been so good for me.

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Getting: over my renewed carb/sugar addictions will be a massive relief. Let’s just say I’ve partied hard in the food department over the Christmas/new year break and I am not actually feeling any better for it haha. I feel so lethargic and unmotivated and I know it’s because of the stuff I’ve been eating, but I am not quite ready to stop! Oops.

Bookmarking: the website of the new fertility clinic we’re attending this year. We’ve decided to change doctors. Can’t talk about that right now. But it’s a good move for us.

Coveting: more off the shoulder dresses/tops. I am obsessed.

Disliking: Social media people who are all about ‘likes’ and shock factor and clickbait. It gets old. Just be yourself. Don’t sell out. Keep your integrity!

Opening: My fitbit app every five seconds lately. Addicted to syncing it. Even though I’ve been doing crap all haha.

Giggling: on Christmas day while trying to fill my #quickcouch (a weird gift from my brother which brought many priceless moments) with air (and watching my family trying to as well) was probably my favourite memory of the day.

Feeling: tired but OK. And OK is much much better than bad.

Snacking: is a real problem.

Helping: the Little Mister to get ready for bed last night was so lovely. He’d had his first real NYE fun with the kids next door and was decked out in glow sticks and was all cuddly and ready for bed because it was a bit late for him.

Hearing: The damn cricket. Because Mister Unprepared has left it on, even though he’s not even in the house right now. As you can tell, I’m not a fan.


What are you up to right now?

Happy new year!

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Taking Stock: September 2016 edition.

Yes. It’s officially spring (even if the weather hasn’t been notified yet)! I’ve really needed it to be spring. Winter felt like it went on forever this year. We apparently just had our coldest August in a couple of decades (don’t quote me on that – I haven’t fully fact checked)! I believe it.

Every couple of months I like to take stock and capture where I’m at in a particular moment. It’s been really interesting to read back and remember the  things I was doing/feeling when I last posted.

Here goes!

Currently…

Making: Lots of snot. Ha. What an opener. But really. Enough with the winter illnesses. It’s spring now and I’m hoping this is the last of it, damn it!

Cooking: Hasn’t been as fun lately. I used to enjoy it a lot. Now it feels like an unnecessary burden every evening! I was talking about this with friends the other day. We were saying how we’ll get excited to make something but then the moment will come where we actually have to, and the enthusiasm just drains away and we remember that our kid/s won’t appreciate it and that we’re not doing it for fun, but out of obligation. I wish I could just eat cereal every night haha.

Drinking: A lot of water lately. I’ve gone from never drinking enough to just needing to sip on it all day. I think it’s the need to fight off this cold.

Reading: Not enough. Online or offline! I have a whole list of awesome kick arse ladies’ autobiographies I need to get through. One day!

Wanting: Warm weather. Carpet for my home office. More family time.

Looking: For my lip balm (I can never keep one within my sight until it’s finished). I’ve enjoyed wearing a lot of matte lip colour, but it dries my lips out a lot!

Playing: Snapchat stories in my down time – with no interruptions – is very soothing.

Deciding: How to structure this Saturday. I wish I didn’t have to use the word ‘structure’ on a Saturday, but it’s necessary these days!

Wishing: My bleeding uterus would hurry up and be over with this. I have a life to live and I do not handle things like the girls in the tampon commercials!

Enjoying: Some quiet time before the Little Mister wakes up for the day.

Waiting: To get started on an exciting opportunity I have been given.

Liking: How well I’ve handled this last (unsuccessful) cycle of trying to conceive. It’s f*cking hard, but I stayed fairly strong this time. Which is hard to do at this point. I think the key has been filling my life with joy, finding inspiration in amazing places (and acting on it) and remembering my inner warrior/bad ass. The same things might not work next time, but this has been good. I could probably dedicate a whole blog post to this if I wanted.

Wondering: When our time will come. Or whether it will at all. Wondering what life will bring and how I will adjust to whatever happens.

Loving: The Little Mister. I am so grateful to have him. What a gift. I definitely do not take that for granted.

Pondering: Always.

Considering: What to write here. Ha!

Buying: Some last minute Father’s Day bits and pieces.

Watching: The Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development,  and Chelsea (as in Handler) on Netflix. 

Hoping: For a miracle.

Marvelling: At how many doors open when you close others. When you are so ready for new things to come your way in life, and then it’s like the universe responds to your shift in energy. I don’t want to be that bitch, but hashtag fucking blessed.

Cringing: At the memory of that awful accidental FaceTime call the other day…

Needing: Positive news about my fertility situation. Soon. I just want some kind of sign that everything might be OK and will work out. But I know that’s not how the universe necessarily works. Still, I’m keeping an eye/ear out ?

Questioning: My recent food choices. I have been so slack. I’ve been eating so many processed foods and carbs and all the stuff that makes me feel crappy. WHY????

Smelling: Not much with this nose!

Wearing: A long sleeved nightie that shrunk the first time I washed it and so now it’s really really short, but I still try to wear it anyway.

Following: The publishing of this blog post, I am going to have a really nice hot shower. Bliss.

Noticing: That the floor of my bedroom desperately needs to be vacuumed. Oops.

Knowing: Who I am and not being (too) afraid to stay true to that has been the biggest gift of my 30s. Deep but true.

Thinking: About how to dress for today’s weather. Which is really cold. Brrr.

Admiring: People who can keep their houses clean ALL the time.

Sorting: My emails has proven to be surprisingly calming when I’ve had anxiety. Two birds, one stone!

Getting: Out more socially lately has done wonders for my sanity.

Bookmarking: Facebook videos I never get around to watching, because they involve swear words or audio that I won’t be able to listen to when I first see them in my feed for whatever reason.

Coveting: ALL the spring fashion. I am impressed by it this year. Some years are not for me. This year feels like I can definitely work with it and look half decent. YES! Now for me to win the lotto, please?

Disliking: Paying the bills. This time of year is EXPENSIVE.

Opening: My fitbit app to see how well I’m doing (not great)! I’m loving the new ‘adventure’ challenges though.

Giggling: When I think about my latest secret squirrel exploits.

Feeling: Disappointed that I’m not pregnant, but ready to start anew.

Snacking: Has been out of control lately. I blame PMS and cold weather! But really, I could do better.

Helping: Myself to stay fit and healthy has been falling down the priority list lately. I’m hoping to change that very soon.

Hearing: The Wiggles babysitting the Little Mister. Thank you, Wiggles!

So, what have you been doing/feeling lately? Leave a comment!

Taking Stock: March 2016

So I’ve decided  that it’s a good time to ‘take stock’ again. I do like the idea of capturing a snapshot of where I’m at throughout the year.

Here’s what I’m currently…

Making : No real plans for the weekend. I mean, I’ll be open to spontaneous fun if the opportunities arise, but I am really enjoying the fact that it’s a long weekend and there is currently nothing super important on our plate. Nothing we HAVE to do. Everything will be on our terms. That’s kind of lovely.
Cooking : I hope I will be at some point. I do like to get my ‘bake’ on. That sounds drug related, but no. I am just addicted to thinking about food. The cupboard might get a little bare as we streeeeetch to pay day, but I think/hope I can create some interesting things.
Drinking : I’ve been enjoying cider lately. I’d like to rediscover wine. But to be honest, not a lot of drinking has been going on lately – a good thing. I am trying to drink more water. My skin is dry and I need the feeling of cleansing my body.
Reading: No books at the moment (unless you count the Little Mister’s bedtime stories). But I have been trying to chip away at my favourite blogs. I have SO much catching up to do!
Wanting: To feel peaceful. I’ve felt fairly good in the past couple of days, but I have certainly been tested mentally and emotionally lately. I’m working on it!
Looking: At the soft light coming through the blinds as the sun rises. I’m kind of excited that it’s autumn. While I’m a summer girl, I think autumn is my favourite season.
Playing: With my Periscope app. I’ve been broadcasting for about 5 minutes a day. It’s not the most scintillating stuff but I’m having fun building my confidence at being recorded and talking to a camera. It’s also nice to document my life day by day (even if the broadcasts delete themselves after 24 hours). You can watch me embarrass myself if you like (you can access it on my Twitter timeline or on the app). Then 2 people might be watching haha.
Deciding: To be positive. To try not to dwell on the things I don’t have and remember the things I do have.
Wishing: That my dreams for my family come true.
Enjoying: Just sitting here. Being still.
Waiting: For Mr Unprepared to get home from his early morning bike ride. He has promised to look after the Little Mister this morning when he wakes – yay.
Liking: The quiet.
Wondering: If I’ll ever figure out what to watch next on Netflix. I keep thinking, “Nope. Can’t watch that – must wait for Mr Unprepared.” or I just can’t make up my mind because I think I have to be in the perfect mood for the perfect show/movie. This makes me sound like I have too much time on my hands, but quite honestly I don’t (I think it’s the pressure of having to optimise my viewing time), so you can see why this is a problem haha.
Loving: My friends. They’re so supportive and it’s nice. I used to not let myself be vulnerable or show when I wasn’t OK. I was missing out. They are more than fair-weather friends and I am so grateful.
Pondering: On where life will take me. Like, what’s the grand plan?
Considering: Overhauling the Little Mister’s old nursery. Making it into a pretty spare room. Oops. Haven’t told Mr Unprepared about that one yet haha. Look, it’s optimistic. I haven’t even made much headway on my home office reno yet. One step at a time!
Buying: Something I can’t go public with yet because I want to surprise someone and I don’t know if they read this blog. Ooh!
Watching: Trophy Kids doco on Netflix made me angry last night. The parents on there were horrible. There I said it. The way they pushed their children so hard to excel in various sports, literally pretending it was God’s plan when it was really their own agenda, made me feel horrible inside. THEY’RE CHILDREN. I am not usually one to judge other people’s parenting decisions, but I admit this one made me feel icky. 
Hoping:
Everything works out. 
Marvelling: At how I’ve managed to survive the week and the Little Mister doesn’t have to go back to kindy for aaaaages thanks to the long weekend – less drop offs and pick ups – yay!
Cringing: At Donald Trump. Need I say more. 
Needing: Self care. 
Questioning: What the hell it is I’m supposed to learn from secondary infertility. Because I believe everything happens for a reason, but I admit I’m struggling to know what the hell that reason could possibly be. Trying not to dwell on those ‘it’s not fair’ thoughts.
Smelling: My morning breath probably!
Wearing: My nightie. Because typing in bed. Winning.
Following: the posting of this blog post, I might try to go back to sleep!
Noticing: That Mr Unprepared is home and he’s always noisy!
Knowing: I’m going to be OK. I’m stronger than I often give myself credit for.
Thinking: is overrated.
Admiring: People who don’t give a fuck about what other people think. In a good way.
Sorting: My home office out. Painfully slowly. 
Getting: Sleepy again. That tends to happen by about 6:30am when I’m woken at 4:30am (happens quite regularly around here).
Bookmarking: Stuff on Facebook I never get around to reading/watching! I only just started using the ‘save this link’ function thingy. It’s good for when you don’t have time to read something but you don’t want to lose it in your feed.
Coveting: Liquid lipstick and new lip liners. There’s something about nice lippie to warm up an autumn/winter look, so that’s my goal. Nice lip stuff for the winter.
Disliking: People who are dicks. Because duh.
Opening: My heart. Because sometimes it can be tempting to shut everything down when times are hard, but I don’t want to do that.
Giggling: At Ross Noble (a hilarious comedian) the other night was just what I needed!
Feeling: Calm. This is good.
Snacking: On everything I can get my hands on because PMS.
Helping: All the time. Because mum. Wife.
Hearing: Crows making their crow noises (‘crowing’??) outside.

So…what are you doing right now? Besides reading my blog (thank you!)? x

Taking Stock: New Year’s Eve 2015

I’ve decided it’s time to take stock again (I seem to do it every couple of months). It’s been that funny time smack bang between Christmas and the New Year, where everything feels floaty and strange (but pretty nice and relaxed) and we keep forgetting what day of the week it is and we ask ourselves where we’re at and where we want to be going. It feels appropriate to record these moments, only hours before ringing in 2016.

Better jump in…

Making : A mental to-do list of things to pack for tonight’s picnic. We’re going to have a simple, low key celebration with friends near the beach.
Cooking : Mini quiches (pre-made because I do not have time for ‘from scratch’!). I’ve got all the other nibbles ready, but I figure it can’t hurt to flesh them out a bit with some ‘party’ food the Little Mister (and maybe our friends’ daughters) will like.
Drinking : Water mostly. I’ve been trying to increase my uptake lately. As for booze, I think I’ll mostly pass. After last weekend’s child free efforts, I am still in that whole “I never want to see a mojito again” phase. I know I don’t really mean it because hello, mojitos, but seriously – let’s just say I need a break haha.
Reading: More blogs. I’ve enjoyed being home a little more, having some more time and energy to spend on my laptop reading. In the past month I’ve either been too busy to sit still and just enjoy my favourite blogs or I’ve been too tired to do anything but Netflix and Coma (it’s totally a thing).
Wanting: 2016 to be kind to me. There’s one big dream I have and if it becomes a reality any time during the year, that will be more than enough to be grateful for. 2015 wasn’t kind in that area, nor 2014, so maybe 2016 will be our year.
Looking: Bloated. Thanks Christmas and PMS! Thanks a fucking bunch!
Playing: With the Little Mister has been fun the past few days. I’ve been able to slow down and enjoy it with him. I’ve secretly liked having him around more now that he’s on a break from day care before he starts kindy next February.
Deciding: What attitude to have today. A part of me wants to be all pissed off and sad about some stuff, but another part of me needs to rally and be positive and enjoy making memories for the Little Mister. Really, it’s a no brainer. Just gotta dig a little deeper.
Wishing: For the same things I’ve been wishing for the past year and a half.
Enjoying: The silence before the Little Mister gets out of bed.
Waiting: To finish this blog post because the Little Mister is getting out of bed haha

And I’m back!

Liking: The way the Little Mister has been playing so independently lately. It’s freed me up to get more stuff done, after he went through a long clingy phase whenever we were home (maybe due to wanting more time with me after spending half the week at day care/being an only child – which I always feel guilty about?)
Wondering: What the future holds. I know that’s vague, but it’s New Year’s Eve after all. So many possibilities ahead.
Loving: Early nights with Netflix (yes – I still love Netflix since the last time I mentioned it a few sentences ago). Perfect summer viewing when there’s nothing good on TV.
Pondering: The difference between ‘wondering’ and ‘pondering’?
Considering: The availability of toilet/bathroom access while we’re picnicking tonight. Not just for the Little Mister, but annoyingly for myself at ‘that time of the month’. Isn’t that stuff just so inconvenient to deal with? Ugh.
Buying: Some new bathers soon. I am excited because I got a voucher to a really nice store for Christmas. I’m looking forward to allowing myself to feel nice when I’m on the beach this summer. Just because my body isn’t what it was BC (Before Child) doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to enjoy shopping for nice swimwear and feeling some pride. It’s the one area I’ve not quite nailed when it comes to loving/accepting my body as it is.
Watching: ABC Kids. Well, the Little Mister is. Going to let him take it easy with a little more screen time today, so he has a bit more energy to stay up later tonight. 
Hoping: The Little Mister has enough staying power to watch the ‘family friendly’ NYE fireworks that are being put on at 9pm tonight. It’s a late night for him, so we’ll see!
Marvelling: At how life/the universe/powers to be have a weird plan for everybody. I think we can try to control our destiny as best we can and work to place ourselves where we feel we should be, but then it’s like the universe takes over and says, “Actually – this might not be what you want, but it’s what you need and the reasons won’t be clear until later.”
Cringing: Nope. Not cringing. Just resting bitch face.
Needing: To find the super cute diary I bought for 2016, which I’ve forgotten about until now!
Questioning: A couple of things. Ooh. Vague. Don’t you hate me?
Smelling: Nothing offensive. Which is always a relief haha.
Wearing: A green T-shirt dress that I hang about the house in. It will do until I get dressed for tonight.
Following: As many fun people on snapchat as possible. Add me! What’s your username? Mine’s kezunprepared 😉
Noticing: That since we got our new (second hand but good as new) couch, less crap accumulates under it. This is because it has higher legs than our old one and the Little Mister can reach his toys and shoes when they roll under there. Yay.
Knowing: I’m in this magical limbo time when nothing administrative matters for another few days. No ‘important’ things to remember, phone calls to make, quotes to get etc. It’s awesome!
Thinking: More like OVERthinking. Have you met me??
Admiring: How long I’ve been able to grow my nails. I thought that by now they’d have all broken.
Sorting: The Little Mister’s toys out. Very slowly and cautiously. We need to make room for his newer stuff and declutter, but he just loves EVERY SINGLE THING.
Getting: Older. Haha.
Bookmarking: Not much lately. Or at least nothing that comes to mind.
Coveting: Not much right now. I cleaned up nicely at Christmas and I am very grateful!
Disliking: Waiting.
Opening: My mouth. To drink some water.
Giggling: Not yet, but I am sure that the Little Mister will set me off later with his hilarious antics.
Feeling: Happy to bring in a new year. I’m ready. Bring it.
Snacking: Not as much as I could have at this time of year, thank goodness.
Helping: Always 😉
Hearing: The TV and the clattering of the Little Mister trying to ‘build’ something in his play room. Which makes me wonder why the TV is still on…

So that’s it. That’s where I’m at. For better and for worse. I’ve had a good year. The tough stuff really upset me at times, but the good stuff was great. Y’know? Like any year, 2015 has had its challenges but I’ve learned a lot and I’ve grown. Overall, I look back on the year and it’s been full of more good times than bad. That’s a win in my book.

I really hope that you have a wonderful 2016. You’re awesome x

Kez Gets Physical: How did 2015 shape up?

This year I started a series called ‘Kez Gets Physical’. Basically, the mission was/is to improve my physical and mental health, to document it to keep myself accountable, find inspiration (hopefully inspiring others who feel they can relate) and to find more of my tribe. There was no specific diet or weight loss plan or anything in particular that I was trying to sell or preach about. I just wanted to share my story and my own personal approach to improving my health. No judgement, no fear.

I feel like 2015 has been a fantastically big year when it comes to working on my physical and mental health. In fact, I’m pretty proud of the way in which I have tried to make it a priority in my life. I have learned so much about myself, from both the ups and downs of this – sorry but the cliché is coming – JOURNEY.

Here is my review of the year…

Things I achieved/learned

A stronger focus on self care

This year I gave myself permission to take the time I needed to look after my health. I had to fight the guilt at first. A lot. But eventually, it became an expectation I held for both myself and my family that I would be taking time out to exercise when I needed it. And guess what? Everybody was just fine (even if there were a few grumbles at times).

My overall mental health has improved

I still suffer from anxiety at times, but the severity and frequency seem to have decreased somewhat. I put this down to regular exercise and creating life habits that help me to cope better. I am not afraid to talk about it anymore. I recognise the warning signs. I know that sleeping well, unplugging from things that trigger me or make it worse, literally walking/running it off, and telling horrible thoughts to basically fuck off (i.e. giving myself a positive reality check when I have lost perspective and the negative self talk starts) is always a good strategy. I also know that when I am overwhelmed I can say ‘no’, I can turn to organising my life better, and I can ask for help. I have also discovered that some ‘off’ feelings just don’t need to be overanalysed. I just let them be and get on with things. A big deal for an over thinker like me.

It is not very often that I just sit alone, stewing in my anxiety and eating foods that make me feel like crap anymore (because that was so helpful in the past – not). That is definitely a big improvement. I do positive things now. I make action plans when I know I can feel it coming on. It can be as simple as telling someone (not carrying it all alone), having a rest day full of self care or it can be a hard fought battle where I work hard to attack it from all angles. Either way, I have learned that I can always do something positive about it. I hate the need to ‘fight’ but I know I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and knowing that I’ve managed to decrease the amount of time I have to spend fighting it is very reassuring.

My confidence grew and I got #InThePicture more

As I got fitter and stronger, I started to try harder to get in family photos. In fact, I demanded it! I wanted proof that I was having fun with my family and feeling good about myself. I stopped freaking out that I looked pregnant (when sadly that hasn’t been the case), with a bloated belly. I stopped fussing over my appearance as much. Knowing that I was exercising and doing fun things took the focus off the superficial and made me feel a confidence I hadn’t felt in a long time. I stopped being as embarrassed about taking selfies – there might be (a very first world) stigma but who else is gonna take it? I don’t have a very willing Instagram Husband haha.

I want memories recorded. I don’t want to hide anymore.

My body has changed

I have probably only lost about 2kg since the beginning of the year (with some fluctuations in between), but my body feels so different. I feel like I have a shape. I feel strong. I lost some fat from my lower back that I had begun to think would be there for the rest of my life (since having the Little Mister). I feel so much better in my clothes. I managed to fit back into some clothes I hadn’t fit in for a long time. The last time I weighed this much, I definitely did not look as toned or feel as strong. I feel really excited when I see the difference in photos or when someone in my life notices the difference. I have started to look for the good things when I face my mirror, instead of zooming in on the flaws. I never thought I’d feel like that, without being a stick figure first. I guess my mind has changed too!

I’ve made exercise a routine part of my life

I admit that prior to this year, exercise was just the thing I did to lose weight by a certain time or it was just a ‘phase’ I went through. This year, it has become a necessary and regular part of my life. It is the rule, not the exception. Of course I have rest days and setbacks, but that’s all they are. I miss exercise when I can’t do it. I know when I’m not feeling as good, that it’s something I need to do to maintain a healthy balance. I fit it in when I can. It is no longer a ‘luxury’ or a ‘quick fix’ phase. I am proud that I have been able to create this habit and maintain it.

Things I loved

Finding community

I have enjoyed each and every comment on my blog or Facebook page since I started ‘Kez Gets Physical’. I love knowing that some of you are reading and sharing your own experiences. I also joined the awesome Facebook group (founded by Chantelle of Fat Mum Slim) The Good Life Gang. I also have a couple of great friends on Twitter  and Snapchat – we chat back and forth about our exercise plans and habits. We keep ourselves accountable and we encourage each other. I also had fun making Fitbit friends and taking part in challenges. Sadly, my Fitbit has bitten the dust for now, but it still played a big part in my year. It’s so great to find people who are like minded. I love that no-one I have surrounded myself with is militant, trying to sell a product or obsessed about it. We just do what we can, when we can and it’s really inspiring and a safe place to be ourselves. Thanks to everyone who I’ve mentioned above 🙂

Learning to run/challenging myself 

I never thought I’d enjoy running. I mostly end up on my treadmill (time/weather/other factors), but it’s great. It’s like my form of mindfulness. I go into some kind of zen state on good days. It seems to have such a positive impact on my body. I use the C25K app and it’s perfect for me. I like that sense of knowing I’m improving bit by bit. I can measure my progress really easily.

Stuff to keep working on in 2016 and beyond

Nutrition/portion sizes

I have improved things overall (not pigging out at lunch time has been a big change), but I know that I am not always fuelling my body with what is best. I still have eyes that are bigger than my belly. I don’t always stop when I’m full. It’s a constant struggle for a food lover, but something I will have to keep working on.

Continued weight loss

I want to be at a healthier weight for me and I know I have about 6kg to go before I’m at least in the ball park. Obviously, the above point about nutrition/portion sizes is a big factor. I am so pleased with how my body has changed so far, but there is still a way to go. I want to feel lighter.

My progress with these issues has been verrrrry slow and steady. A part of me is glad about that because I feel like the long term habits I’m creating are going to stick – it’s not been a quick fix – but I think I’m now in a better position to step it up for an even better 2016.

Progress from August 2014 at my heaviest (the last time I had a photo taken of most of my body) to November 2015. I know there are several factors that make it not the best before and after/during example (type of clothing, lighting etc etc) but I know that the person on the right is so much happier. Note: Photo has been retouched really badly to protect the identities of others x
Progress from August 2014 at my heaviest (a photo that made me do that whole “OH MY GOODNESS – I NEED TO DO SOMETHING” freak out) to November 2015. I know there are several factors that make it not the best before and after during example (type of clothing, lighting, how close I am to the camera etc etc) but I am not really trying to convince anyone of my physical progress so I don’t mind. I just wanted to show you that the person on the right is so much happier and dresses herself to show who she is, instead of hiding in whatever fits like the girl on the left did. Note: Photo has been retouched really badly to protect the identities of others x

How did your 2015 shape up? 

Taking Stock: October 2015

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Things have been a little slow on the blog lately, so I thought I’d sit down on this Friday afternoon and take stock. It’s been a big few weeks in my ‘real life’ and I like the idea of just sitting and being. And breathing. Breathing is good.

Let’s go. I am currently…

Making : sighing noises, because it’s Friday and I’m tired and Mr Unprepared is home from work soon.
Cooking : A beautiful (at least I hope it will be) chocolate cake – the famous ‘Anne’ from the fabulous Baby Mac. It’s going to have Mars Bars on top and everything. We’re taking it to the inlaws’ house tomorrow for my father in law’s birthday.
Drinking : A glass of water. I wanted wine or something else but a) I probably shouldn’t because I had a little procedure yesterday and I am a very sensible girl (sometimes) and b) I might wait until the awesome new bottle shop opens RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER TOMORROW. Exciting times. You have no idea.
Reading : The same first few lines of this blog post over and over because I keep losing my train of thought (and receiving phone calls).
Wanting : Netflix and peace and quiet.
Looking : At my grumpy dog and the seemingly pre-storm weather (which usually amounts to nothing in these parts).
Playing : Several YouTube videos of Jimmy Fallon’s hashtag segments. People are so funny, even by accident. I like funny people. I like when they share that ‘funny’ on Twitter.
Deciding : On whether to see the glass as half full or half empty. I’ve decided to just be glad I have the glass. Cryptic enough for you, huh? Haha.
Wishing : I could do the 5km Colour Run with my girlfriends tomorrow. Still sad I had to pull out. I got the race stuff sent to me and everything. Thinking I should just wear it all while I’m sitting around tomorrow – I paid for it, right?
Enjoying : The sounds of the Little Mister whining at me. Not.
Waiting : For some blogging inspiration to come.
Liking : My new veggie chopper gadget thingy. It makes everything stick/chip shaped and it is totally the key to getting the Little Mister to eat ANYTHING. Today I made him eat an apple because CHIP SHAPED pieces. He ate the WHOLE THING. I’ve also seen him eat carrot sticks. He who declared war on carrots a long time ago. BRILLIANT.
Wondering : if all my recent medical appointments are going to send us broke. Medicare only goes so far, y’all. I feel like I constantly have to make the disclaimer: I’m OK. Everything’s fine. No I am not pregnant because everyone always thinks that everyone is pregnant and the fact that I am not pregnant is actually kind of the point blah blah.
Loving : My friends. You are the bomb.
Pondering : Whether or not it will rain tonight. I kind of hope it will, only because I don’t have to be anywhere (edit: It did!).
Considering : Whether I’ll turn into my parents one day.
Buying : Tickets to see Josh Pyke next year – yippee!
Watching : Play School. 
Hoping : Mr Unprepared remembers everything I put in an sms shopping list for him to get on his way home from work and that he doesn’t eat the Mars Bars I requested for his dad’s birthday cake…
Marvelling : at how such small people can make such MASSIVE noise.
Cringing : because I just banged my ankle into a table leg. I literally just did it then. Best timing for this blog post, really.
Needing : SLEEP. And Gossip Girl. I’m up to Season 4. Go me.
Questioning : My patience levels.
Smelling : the faint aroma of chocolate cake being baked.
Wearing : My “If Britney can get through 2007, I can get through today” shirt (so fitting) and several baking ingredients.
Following : Most of the cast of Gogglebox Australia on Twitter. Because I love them and I not so secretly wish I was on the couch with them when I watch the show and we could drink cocktails and be BFFS and make hilarious witty jokes and biting one liners about high profile figures.
Noticing : The Little Mister rifling around in the pantry and telling him to get out and shut the door! Followed by a lecture on why he needs to stay out.
Knowing : That I know hardly anything about anything and that’s OK.
Thinking : As little as possible. I have reached a point where I am learning to not overthink things and just be. At least I think I am. Kind of. Well, baby steps.
Admiring : Em Rusciano because she keeps it real and she’s so funny and clever and her snapchats are awesome and I wish I had even half of her social media/stage presence!
Sorting : My life out one diary/weekly planner entry/to do list at a time.
Getting : Weird snapchats from a friend and trying to decipher them with my tiny little brain and feeling like an idiot because I know I should know what’s going on but I am a little bit zombified.
Bookmarking : Nothing. I need more time/energy for more reading!
Coveting : SO MANY THINGS for my lady cave, but I can’t get them yet because I have to empty out all the old stuff first.
Disliking : People who don’t understand feminism.
Opening : My Facebook notifications because I just can’t help it every time they pop up.
Giggling : The Little Mister is giggling at something about the cow jumping over the moon and a little dog laughing to see such fun etc. He asked me how dogs laugh and I explained they don’t really, hence the giggling.
Feeling : Crampy and a bit grumpy.
Snacking : on chocolate later. Shhhhh.
Helping : Nobody. LOL. [edit: that turned out to be a lie – I totes helped to get dinner started even though it was my night off – best wife]
Hearing : Mr Unprepared open the front door! OH YES! HE’S HOME!!!!

What are you doing right now (besides reading this)?

31.

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Today is my 31st birthday. I am officially 31. It sounds like a strange age. It’s not the round number that 30 was. It’s like both feet are now firmly planted in my 30s and time is not slowing down! I’m OK with that, but I do admit that 31 is going to have to really pull out all of the stops to beat 30. 30 has been an amazing year. I really feel like I grew in the last 12 months. I loved. I learned things. I felt joy – simple pleasures. There was a rhythm. A routine. Something I often feel is lacking from my life. I felt more accepting of myself.

No year is perfect – there were ups and downs. Life would be pretty boring and we’d learn nothing without the occasional roller coaster of emotions, but I look back and I feel glad. 30 was pretty good to me.

I’ve watched the Little Mister grow. I’ve watched myself grow as a parent. As a person. As a blogger. I’ve achieved a lot of little milestones.

I saw out my last days of 30 with a little getaway to Sydney (perhaps more on that later). To see some family friends, meet some family for the first time and to spend quality time shopping with my mum (winter wardrobe – I love you)! Sure, I got a rotten chest infection before I left, so I spent the whole time away trying to recover, valiantly trying to stay awake (it was quite draining), but I made the best of it. Of course that’s how life works! The one time – the ONE time – I want to go and leave my cub and do something just for me that is special and out of the ordinary, I get struck down! OF COURSE! Oh, Universe. You slay me. It’s the sickest I’d been in YEARS too. Can you believe it?! I’m still feeling the aftermath! Goodness me!

Still, it was a perfectly imperfect end to a perfectly imperfect year. My sense of humour is still intact 😉

I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I am so lucky to have my Little Mister and my bigger Mister – Mr Unprepared. My family. My friends – near and far, online and offline. I will be spending the day in with my little man – some rest and some quality time. I am thankful. Even hashtag grateful and hashtag blessed. Sorry not sorry!

Happy 31st to me.

Reflection on the year that was.

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I want 2015 to be as peaceful as this photo makes me feel x

Look, I am a total New Year nerd. As much as I work on self improvement and celebrating moments all year round, I just cannot resist the allure of December turning into January. I get to use a new diary (whatever’s the cutest at Typo – yay) and everything feels like a fresh start. When I discovered these questions over at Maxabella Loves (and some great answers from Kelly over at A Life Less Frantic) I couldn’t resist. The perfect way to spend a little quiet time (lucky me) on a NYE morning.

Here goes!

1. What word do you think best summed up 2014?

Brave. It probably wasn’t very outwardly noticeable to others, but for me it was a big theme. I started to speak up in small ways and to become more assertive. I learnt to be brave enough to say ‘no’ and brave enough to say ‘yes’. I became braver in sharing more of myself and my life on my blog. I stopped censoring so much. I did things that had scared me all my life and I triumphed. I think perhaps this explains my obsession with Sara Bareille’s song which is obviously called Brave.

2. What did you do for the first time this year?

I visited the place I was born. I had so many unresolved feelings about being adopted. Feelings I probably didn’t even fully realise were unresolved until I got there. Stuff that made me sad. Stuff about my decision to not search for biological parents. Stuff that weighed on me. Which brings me to the next question…

3. What is one thing that happened that will have lasting consequences?

Being in Busan, South Korea (where I was born) was HUGE. I finally know what the people of my birth country are like. I know so much more about their customs, their food, their way of living. I also know about the language barriers. The cultural differences between Korea and Australia – as well as some similarities. I see a little of what could have been and I am glad for what has been. Korea is no longer some weird mythical far away place I have to put on every form ever (which still pisses me off haha). I realise more fully that my identity is MINE. It is not defined by where I was born or where I’ve grown up – that is just a part of it. I am ME from wherever I am from and I am OK with that 🙂 This has brought me so much peace (after 30 years). I cannot begin to tell you. HUGE.

4. Was there anything you wish you’d done differently? Why? How?

I wish I had been less affected by the drama of other people. I wish I had been able to practice maintaining my own inner peace. While I am a very compassionate person, some things just shouldn’t be my battle.

5. Do you have a favourite moment from the year? What made it special?

Oh. So. Many. A vast collection of moments that showed me how much I love the Little Mister – any time my heart burst. No better feeling. While there were many mixed feelings about visiting Korea, I am SO glad we went there (and Japan and Singapore). I am glad we travelled. I am glad we had those experiences. Once in a lifetime stuff. A big highlight of the year. Sorry to keep bringing it up haha.

6. What lessons has 2014 taught you about yourself? About others?

I’ve learnt that I am inspired easily. If I have a tough time, I have the drive and determination to turn it around. I rarely just sit there and give up or wallow. I see obstacles and mentally challenging times as a call to action. I realise now that this is a strength of mine, whereas I think I always took this attitude for granted. I’ve learnt that there are people in this world who are ‘dumpers’ and ‘drainers’ and that it’s entirely up to me how I choose to react (or not react) to such treatment. Take it personally or realise that person is being an a**hole and move on? I think I know what I’d rather do. It’s a work in progress!!

7. How will the lessons from this past year change the way you approach the new year?

I just want to keep building on my personal strength and courage that I have found in the last year or two. I want to be less ruffled by things that do not matter. I want to beat my anxiety.

8. What do you most want to do in 2015?

Keep blogging, have a happy healthy family, watch the Little Mister grow. Chase whatever wonderful opportunities come my way. I love that I don’t know what those are yet. I want to say yes more but I want to say no more. It’s all about getting them in the right balance 🙂

9. What do you most want to change about yourself? The world?

*best beauty pageant voice* I want peace. Peace for the world. More compassion. I want for us to all become less self absorbed and more mindful of others. What we do/say/write affects other people. While we shouldn’t worry too much about what others might think of us when we make the best decisions for ourselves, we should be considerate and kind. A lot more considerate. Remember our manners. There’s a difference between being honest and being an a**hole about it.

10. What one word do you hope will sum up what you hope to achieve in 2015?

You could probably sense this, but my key word will be ‘peace’. Peace in my mind, peace in my family, peace in my community, peace in the world.

PEACE OUT.

OMG ‘peace’ is a weird looking word. I think I have officially typed it too many times – ever have that happen? Haha.

If you want to answer these questions too, please let me know where i can find them – or you can leave your answers in the comments 🙂 I don’t care if they’re super long x