Tag: real life

28 weeks pregnant.

Oh, you guys. Let me just start by saying it was so great to realise that I was finally in the 3rd trimester! I don’t know why but it feels like I can legitimately whinge about being uncomfortable now haha. All the best pregnancy memes are for the 3rd trimester, don’t you know, and I felt like for the whole second trimester, I’d been carrying on like I was much further along – thanks to the PUPPP rash, mostly. The lack of sleep, the discomfort, the “I’M SO OVER IT” feeling. I mean, not that I haven’t done enough complaining (sorry not sorry – dedicated to keeping it real over here), but now it feels like I’m actually allowed to feel how I feel.

I really wanted to celebrate this great milestone, but unfortunately life got in the way. Our family had a sudden fur baby loss (it wasn’t our dog but my parents’ who we loved dearly and who was the litter brother of our own dog – we’d bonded with him as if he was our own and it was tough on everyone). This was also the first day I was supposed to measure my blood sugar levels because of my recent gestational diabetes diagnosis. Of course I measured off the charts, thanks to the stress of the day and then I got more stressed seeing those elevated readings. I felt like I was just spiralling. Also, my rash was being particularly aggressive and resistant to my treatments, so I was really struggling that weekend. I had to cancel all of my social plans that I had really been looking forward to and I sadly had a couple of anxiety attacks that left me feeling woozy and faint. I knew that I couldn’t go on like that for the sake of my own health and the baby’s. I had to send Mr Unprepared to everything with the Little Mister on my behalf and park myself on the couch, under the air conditioning (or in the bath).

I felt frustrated that my GD (gestational diabetes) diagnosis had actually assisted in making me feel more unwell than before. Psychologically it was stressing me out, and it seemed to be showing in my blood sugar readings. If I hadn’t had the diagnosis and had been ignorant, I would have stayed much more stable. While I know it’s important to monitor it in the bigger picture, I still felt resentful. It just seemed so unfair.

I was unable to control my fasting readings (the reading you take right after waking) and I probably face the real possibility of having to go on insulin. Which means that then I am deemed as having a high risk pregnancy and might have to deliver an hour away from home in a better equipped hospital for that kind of thing. Like I needed another thing on my plate! I don’t want to jump before I’m pushed – I haven’t seen my doctor about it yet (that’s probably a story for next week), but I fear that it isn’t looking good, despite the fact that I am entirely able to control the condition with my diet alone during the day.

All of my selfish whining aside, I felt for the first time that I might have to worry about the health of my baby. See, PUPPP rash does not affect the baby – just the poor itchy mother. And GD can mostly affect the mum but can often be controlled, without having a really big impact on the baby. But now I faced the fear that maybe my baby would be at risk at some point. And that scared the shit out of me. I was really upset about it. I might struggle, but I would choose myself to take all the hits over and over if I could be guaranteed that my baby would be OK. I’m a grown woman who is learning to become a fucking warrior, but a baby is just a tiny little thing who needs all the good health they can get.

I could not care less about not being able to have hot chips or chocolate or whatever (OK so I care a little bit – I’m only human). It’s just overwhelming when you add it to the stress of my rash. My pregnancy is quite the full time (or is that over time) job. I’m surprised I get out of the house with all the hours I spend researching and preparing the perfect meals, testing myself at the exact perfect times after those perfect meals, writing in a food diary and applying cream to most of my body – that’s an ever expanding amount of surface area – before having to put on the perfect outfit to hide some of my rash and not irritate it! ūüôĄ

Anyway, I know I’ve lost some followers because I’m not having a wonderful, glowy time (and have been outspoken about it). Maybe people feel I’m ungrateful, but the truth is that I am so grateful. You can feel two very conflicting feelings at once. I learned that during my infertility struggles. You can feel so overjoyed for someone who is pregnant, while being so sad because you are not. Right now I feel overjoyed to be pregnant, because my family is finally going to be complete and while I hate my pregnancy, I love my baby so much. The moments when she’s kicking me are what keep me going, because I know she’s there and she’s OK. I cannot wait to meet her. We’ve been on quite the journey together.

This week I learned to go easier on myself. I adjusted some of my expectations of myself. If my baby has a plain, but comfortable and fairly inviting nursery when she’s born, then I will be OK with that. The Pinterest Utopia of All Best Nursery Ideas dreams I’ve had might be a little delayed, but that’s OK. I will enjoy Christmas and the school holidays with my little family of three and everything will turn out OK when we become four. The Little Miss won’t notice for a while (also she won’t be sleeping in there for a while at first). Anything extra I manage to do before her birth will be a great bonus (I still hold out a tiny bit of hope for a sudden nesting mania moment towards the end haha).

Also, this week I started to bathe in bi carb soda instead of Pine Tar bath oil, so that’s big news. Bet you’re glad to have tuned in for that! It makes a big difference – I was SO sick of feeling greasy in this warmer weather.

My bump popped out all of a sudden (more than it already had) some time this week too. The Little Miss is certainly using up as much space as she can (and there’s still quite the way to go)! She must be using some pretty rad IKEA furniture systems in there to save on storage space haha.

I laugh when I can feel her body parts really sticking out at the front of my belly. I actually can’t picture what I’m going to look like by the time she’s cooked well enough to be evicted safely, despite having done this once before!

25 weeks pregnant.

I found this week of my pregnancy to be rather overwhelming (forgive me if every week’s update starts out like this – not that I would notice because baby brain). I may have increased my weekly quota of mental breakdowns from one to two haha. I say ‘haha’ now but I wasn’t really laughing at the time. Eek.

The good news was that the weather started to dry up. I don’t know if it was the change in weather or just a combination of things I was trying, but my PUPPP rash started to feel a tiny bit better at one point. Some of the patches on my skin actually felt drier and tighter. I would liken it to that feeling when you’re slightly sunburnt. Without the sunburn of course (please be safe in the sun everyone). For a rash sufferer like me, this actually felt amazing. I’ve decided that wet, muggy weather is not my friend.

The bad news is that my body was mad at me for making progress and the rash started to fight back even harder. That’s the thing. I often have a couple of good days, followed by an utterly shit week. My legs were being eaten alive by this and my belly was starting to be affected. I started to feel like there would be nothing left of me. I’d just be a walking rash. This really badly affected my self confidence and my body image. I was especially worried about the rash on my right arm. It looks hideous. There are sores with soft scabs (not those nice dark dry ones that look clean even if blemished), red patches, the works. I thought people would think I was some kind of contagious, flea bitten leper or something. Hiding my arms was not as easy as hiding my legs. I got really down. The negative thoughts were as relentless as my rash.

A few deep and meaningfuls with my mum and husband were much needed at this time. I may have cried in the bath a few times too. I felt well and truly mental. And I don’t say that jokingly. I was really starting to think I’d need to reach out for mental health help (and I still might at some point).

It was probably a tough week because Mr Unprepared was going to be away for the whole weekend on a big bike ride. I was trying to be a strong, supportive wife and let him have that time out with his mates, but I won’t lie – it was really difficult. I needed my wind down time and I couldn’t have it. By the time he got home, I was an emotional wreck. It kind of set the scene for the rest of the week. Because Mr Unprepared was tired and recovering from his ride and trying to play catch up at work too, it was not easy. That was a wake up call for both of us, I think. I might not be in my third trimester yet, but I am definitely quite needy haha. Instead of being embarrassed by this, I really had to learn to ask for more help.

Which, with Mr Unprepared’s help, led me to the awesome gesture by my inlaws to have the Little Mister on Friday afternoons, in that time after school but before he plays cricket. It was all proving a bit too much for me and everything was at an awkward time. Now I get to claim a couple of hours a Friday for myself. I am guaranteed a bath and a moment to just sit in the quiet. Mr Unprepared gets to have special bonding time with the Little Mister at cricket. Everybody wins.

I also made the commitment to take part in the #100happydays challenge because I want to see out the rest of my pregnancy with as much positivity as possible. This should take me to the baby arriving (and maybe beyond if I have my way haha). Even if I don’t get to finish the challenge, I think it will be good for me. While I don’t want to create a fake memory of this pregnancy or give the false illusion on social media that everything is fine when it’s not, I do want to remember the good things too. While the shit times are real, the good times are as well and I shouldn’t disregard that. I’m trying to help re-wire my brain. It might not solve everything but I do know that I never want to feel like I did this week again if I can help it. Sometimes there’s a fine line between not coping and coping. This is just one of those little things I can put in place.

At least my arm didn’t photograph too badly. It just overwhelmed me in person. My usual instinct would be to stop looking at myself in the mirror if it upsets me but that’s hard to do when you literally have to inspect your whole body for rash sites twice a day to apply ointment. I found that frustrating.¬†

 

Taking Stock: November 2017.

How is it November?! I’m not complaining, though. I need this year to fly by! I want to meet my baby and I want my rash to go away! Not going to lie. It’s been a bit rough. But I’m here and I’m fighting. Most of the time. I mean, occasionally I have a cry in the bath and feel like my whole world is caving in, but I have a support system second to none and I am very grateful.

It’s time for me to take stock again (as I do every couple of months). Here’s where I’m at…

Making:¬†social plans for the next couple of weeks has made me feel a little better, mentally. I’ve sort of had a lull in my calendar – sometimes just bad timing and other times my PUPPP rash¬† exhausted me too much. I hope I can strike the right balance between trying to do too much and doing not enough. I need to be out in the world, keeping perspective, limiting my (literal) navel gazing time and feeling like a social creature who doesn’t totally suck at life!

Cooking:¬†healthier dinners lately. I probably still need to cut down on carbs a little, but overall, I am striking a pretty good balance between protein and veggies, cutting out more sodium and sugar. I am trying to clean things up a bit in order to prepare myself for what I fear will be an inevitable diagnosis of gestational diabetes after I’ve had my glucose tolerance test (GTT) in another week or so (I had gestational diabetes the first time around with the Little Mister). I’m not perfect, though. I can’t quite totally quit chocolate or ice-cream. I know. I know.

Drinking: water.

Reading:¬†In Order to Live by Yeonmi Park – it’s about a North Korean woman’s journey to freedom. I am so fascinated by those stories. Admittedly, I am reading this book super slowly. It’s kind of the thing I read when I can’t sleep but I don’t want to keep myself awake with social media or Netflix or something. I’m not saying the book is boring and puts me to sleep of course, haha. It’s just a soothing way to pass time until I’m ready to snooze! Because North Korea’s plight is so relaxing…SHUT UP, KEZ.

Wanting:¬†what I can’t have. Normal skin. To not be itchy. But I have to accept that this is not my reality. I really have to work on that.

Looking: like a hot mess lately. But I have a nice hair cut. So I have that going for me.

Playing:¬†Instagram stories, while lying on my bed under the air con, has become my favourite ‘time out’ thing to do.

Deciding: on where to meet a friend for brunch in a couple of weekends.

Wishing:¬†there were more clothing options for me these days. I need soft, non irritating, flattering, non-rash revealing, maternity friendly clothing that doesn’t require difficult bra situations. Not a big ask, right? Wrong haha. WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL?

Enjoying: The Good Place on Netflix. I have the HUGEST girl crush on Kristen Bell, by the way.

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Waiting: for the weekend.

Liking: quirky earrings. I want to become on of those people who collects them.

Wondering: if my rash will ever calm down enough that I can get through an entire week without a mental breakdown. That would be nice.

Loving: online shopping. If only my bank account loved it too. Biding my time until I can splurge next!

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Pondering: on things for too long tends to drive me crazy at the moment. I have got to think less.

Considering:¬†putting my dog inside for a while. She’s so bloody cranky and barks at everything she hears outside of our yard. I’m constantly policing her. She’s old and gives no fucks. But I give them. I worry about her pissing the neighbours off.

Buying: broccolini a lot lately. I am obsessed. OBSESSED.

Watching:¬†a lot of chick flicks lately. When Mr Unprepared can’t watch our favourite Netflix shows with me, it’s all I have to fall back on!¬†

Hoping:¬†I can find the motivation/energy to finish the baby’s nursery before Christmas. I really want to be able to relax and enjoy the festive season, knowing it’s all done. I have a colour scheme all decided on – I just need to put it all into action.

Marvelling:¬†at how term 4 of the school year is just about halfway done. It’s crazy how time flies. I am so excited to spend the holidays with the Little Mister.

Cringing: at the mess on my bedside table. I keep dumping stuff there. I really need to sort it out.

Needing: sanity. Anyone got some to share?

Questioning: myself. Constantly. Against my better judgement.

Smelling:¬†like an old man who has just sat by a campfire, when I get out of the bath these days. I have to soothe myself using this stuff called Pinetarsol and it smells weird but usually works – unless I’m too stressed. The key is to not get too stressed before I soak myself. I laugh at the fact that half of the bath oil’s name is pretty much ‘arsehole’.

Wearing: a Target maxi dress. Remind me to put my bra back on before school pick up, please.

Following:¬†some really great kids’ clothing brands on social media.

Noticing: that the inside of my left arm is starting to get itchy *eye rolls*

Knowing: that there will be a beautiful baby at the end of this rough fertility/pregnancy journey makes it worthwhile.

Thinking: about all the amazing things that are in store for my little family in 2018 is really exciting.

Admiring: people who can find the humour in anything.

Sorting: nothing out haha.

Getting:¬†cool (and therefore less itchy) under the air con is my new favourite thing. I am scared of what our power bill will be, but honestly, it’s a small price to pay for my sanity (or some semblance of it at least).

Bookmarking:¬†Christmas gift ideas. I’m secretly stoked that Halloween is over because now I am allowed to fully embrace the fact that Christmas is coming. I mean, I won’t decorate anything until December (I mean GEEZ – CALM DOWN) but I do love to think about it and plan stuff.

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Coveting:¬†any clothing that will make me feel attractive, when I’m feeling the least attractive.

Disliking: idiots. Self explanatory haha.

Opening:¬†up about my more difficult feelings during this pregnancy has been really hard. I’m working on it. It’s not easy being vulnerable. Even with the people who have got your back the most. Yesterday I had to actually send my husband a messenger message to tell him how I was struggling because I couldn’t make my mouth work to say the words out loud.

Giggling: a little on the phone with my mum today was really healing.

Feeling:¬†depressed and anxious lately. It’s been rough. I think I went from the trauma of infertility, the stress of IVF, straight into pregnancy, and then that pregnancy got difficult before I could process anything. I shouldn’t be surprised, really. All I can do is take the best care of myself and let others do the same for me too. I am strong. Only way is through!

Snacking: on Top Deck chocolate is my weakness. Remind me of this when my gestational diabetes diagnosis comes in.

Helping: myself by letting others help me is the lesson of the week for me.

Hearing: my favourite music always cheers me up.

24 weeks pregnant.

I will be really damn honest here. I have taken a while to write/publish this post because I really did not have the most amazing week. There were actually some great little moments, but I did feel like my 24th week of pregnancy was overshadowed by my struggles with my PUPPP rash. I’ll just get that shit out of the way right now, shall I?

So, the weather SUCKED for it. People assume that rainy weather must be my favourite, because that usually means the weather isn’t bright, hot and sunny. Turns out this is not accurate. Because the moisture in the air makes me feel all squirmy and yuck in my skin. It also means that I have to dress weather-appropriately, which means more fabric rubbing against me all day long. I was kind of in hell. This led to me being tired, which led to me feeling like one hot mess inside my head. I was honestly struggling to think positively.

The rash was absolutely attacking my arms. It was also taking a big fight for it to calm the eff down on my feet and legs too. My skin was ANGRY. I was constantly greasy from steroid ointment or feeling uncomfortable from the humidity. It’s really annoying in the mornings when you never have enough time to apply the ointment and let it soak into your skin before you have to get dressed and get on with your day. In the evening, there’s never enough time between applying it and wanting to hop into bed without rubbing it all off on your bedding. Not to mention the amount of time it takes to carry out these vital routines is quite extensive! I was going through so much of the stuff (there’s a lot of surface area to cover) and I felt like I was stuck in some kind of hellish eternal loop of never winning the battle (even though I know that realistically you can’t win the battle because the baby is still in there).

Yeah. Not my finest hours/days.

I had a couple of pity parties, truth be told.

I think maybe it was also a difficult week because there were some changes in routine. Mr Unprepared was getting ready for a big bike ride with his buddies, which meant each evening (like literally every evening of the work week) he was home a bit late after work – he had to run lots of errands to prepare. I realised quite quickly that a) I am a fricking awesome wife and he’d better appreciate that (to be fair he did show me this), and b) those few extra minutes/hours in an evening where he could be there for adult conversation and support were really really important to me.

One cool thing that did happen was that the Little Mister got to feel the baby kick for the first time. It was quite the feat, because he tends to jiggle about and talk constantly, so getting him to quieten down and just feel my belly was a challenge! Not to mention because of all his jiggling, I think the baby was probably put to sleep a few times haha.

When he did feel her, he was quite cool with it. Like super non phased about it. Like, I kind of had to prompt him to react a little. Hilarious. You know – no big deal haha. One day a long time from now, I will remind him that he got to feel his little sister while she was still in my tummy and maybe he’ll care then!

This week, I had a hair appointment, which was actually pretty great. I got to freshen up my hair colour and cut and it made so much of a difference! Everything is sitting better (it was getting rather drab and flat) and has put a little pep in my step. I also loved that I could relax and be pampered in a public place. That sounds really weird, but sometimes when I try to ‘relax’ at home, I just get itchy because my guard is down. When I was in the salon, I felt good because I could physically chill while still having my social mask on, with stimulation happening all around me – which meant I was distracted from being itchy for a while. I feel like I should just live there until February, mmkay?

So that was my 24th week of pregnancy, in a nutshell! Hopefully the next instalment will be a little more positive? I hope so anyway x

Taking Stock: September 2017.

Hello, beautiful people!

Every couple of months I like to capture a moment in time by ‘taking stock’ (a great idea thought up by Pip at Meet Me at Mike’s). It allows me to slow down and really record what life is like on a particular day and I know it’s self indulgent but I enjoy reading these back months later!

Here we go…

Making:¬†my mind up to make the best of this Monday wasn’t really easy this morning but I think I’m getting there! It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks.

Cooking: a good old pasta bake from a jar tonight. A crowd pleaser that will hopefully go down well (and be easy to make) when our nephew stays the night.

Drinking:¬†I’m a bit obsessed with mineral water and lemon at the moment. Whether I prep it myself, order it at a bar or find the pre-mixed stuff at the shops, I am happy.

Reading:¬†Rosie Waterland’s Every Lie I’ve Ever Told – god damn it’s awesome! She’s so inspiring not just as a person who has gone through some shit and lived to tell the tale, but also as a writer! I am so excited to see her speak later this month!

Wanting:¬†the school holidays to hurry up and arrive! The Little Mister is getting that special kind of ‘end of term feral’ and we are all knackered!

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Looking:¬†like a definitely pregnant person now. There’s no mistaking this bump!

Playing:¬†my ridiculously eclectic Spotify music while I cleaned the house today got me through it. One second it’s all punk rock ¬†and the next it’s Beyonce!

Deciding:¬†on whether to have a snack (like 5 minutes after I finished lunch). I find I’m weird these days. Hungry AF one day, grazing the next. And repeat! I guess that’s what the baby wants haha.

Wishing:¬†for a good night’s sleep. Any night where I sleep through would be amazing right now.

Enjoying:¬†this spring weather!! The sunshine is so good for my soul! I’m also excited for a change in my wardrobe – the best thing about welcoming in a new season!

Waiting:¬†for a parcel to arrive. I’ve got some ASOS maternity goodies coming – yay!

Liking:¬†the fact that I’m recording more steps than I have in a while on my fitbit.

Wondering: if I should get a nice pedicure soon.

Loving:¬†the quiet moment that I’m having right now. Just sitting on the couch with my laptop, taking stock!

Pondering: some thoughts on a potential blog post.

Considering:¬†other people’s feelings goes a long way, I find.

Buying: a new vacuum cleaner is next on my nesting list. I have to wait a bit because we just invested in a family car, but I tell ya Рafter lugging around my temperamental vacuum this morning, I am more than ready to kick it to the kerb for a nifty Dyson number. It will be perfect for when we have another rug rat and I need to do plenty of spot cleans. I am determined to have one before the baby arrives! I WILL HAVE ONE!

Watching:¬†Stranger Things – holy shit it’s good. I didn’t think I’d be into it – it’s more Mr Unprepared’s kind of thing – but it’s great. WHERE THE EFF IS BARB. POOR BARB. Season 2 comes out this month so I think it’s been a good time to start watching!¬†

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Hoping:¬†My dress (that I’m wearing right now) isn’t see through in the sun. I don’t think it is? But I get paranoid about some fabrics. It’s one of the few maternity pieces I own and I really need it to work! I shall walk with my legs pressed together just in case haha. I have tried to test it in the sunlight and I think it’s passable, but still. Paranoid.

Marvelling:¬†at all the ladies who work out like machines while they’re as pregnant as me (and far beyond). I’ve seen those Insta videos. WTF, I can’t even haha. It makes me wish I’d been in much better shape when I fell pregnant so I could comfortably and confidently continue a more rigorous exercise routine. Never mind. I’ll work with what I can! Walking will be my go-to (with a little bit of kitchen dancing of course)!

Cringing:¬†at the awkward exchange I had with the person who stands at the entrance/exit of Kmart today. I always feel awkward when I’m leaving that place! Do I walk right over to them and show them all my receipts and let them check my bags? Or do I just walk straight on out and only stop if they ask me? Or does that make me look guilty? Do I nod and say ‘see ya’ on my way out or do I just leave quietly without a fuss? I overthink these things and then it always gets weird¬†ūüėā

Needing:¬†to gain a little more confidence in dressing my ever changing body. I love having a bump but I still find myself questioning my outfit choices and feeling a little like I’ve not quite nailed it. I am hoping that will change soon.

Questioning:¬†whether or not I’m having a boy or a girl. We’ll find out at 19 weeks or so, hopefully! People ask me if I have a ‘feeling’ about it either way but I genuinely cannot pick it.

Smelling: nothing offensive, which is great considering I just cleaned the house. Carry on.

Wearing:¬†that possibly see through dress I described above, plus a zip up hoodie to keep warm. I took off my olive green bomber jacket so I wouldn’t wreck it while I did housework.

Following:¬†less people on Instagram now. I’ve been trying to curate my feeds a lot more. I realised there were a lot of (perfectly good) accounts I was scrolling on by every single day without feeling the need to interact or give a ‘like’ and that I could probably let them go (and wish them well).

Noticing: that my fingernails are finally growing nicely again after a long stint of gel nails. I had to give them a break because they were getting a bit damaged and I found it hard to maintain everything.

Knowing:¬†that I’m almost half way through my pregnancy already freaks me out! I’ll think about things that are happening late this year or early next year and realise I’ll be a massive, waddling freak by then – yikes haha.

Thinking:¬†about my upcoming plan to eat less sugar and carbs – not to lose weight of course – but to try to avoid a diagnosis of gestational diabetes when I have my 28 week glucose blood tests. I had it last time I was pregnant and it drove me mad. Of course I could just be genetically doomed no matter what I do, but I figure I’ll give this a go anyhow in the weeks leading up to the test. Can’t hurt.

Admiring:¬†mums who have a really amazing sense of humour and who aren’t afraid to keep it real. The kinds of people you won’t see trolling the comment sections of parenting articles on Facebook haha.

Sorting:¬†my wardrobe out last week was soooooo good. So many things I can’t fit in anymore!!!

Getting:¬†my shit together in order to tackle a new week. I’ll get there!

Bookmarking: articles on true crime that I find on Facebook but want to read later.

Coveting: beautiful little baby onesies that I see everywhere in stores and online. I am resisting the urge for a few more weeks at least!

Disliking:¬†“media” outlets that use nasty, divisive clickbait to get people to read their articles on parenting, pregnancy, fertility etc. Regardless of whether the actual article itself is fair, balanced and interesting, you’ve lost me if you’ve used an awful headline to suck people in. It bothers me that this gross tactic actually works. I don’t give these sites my clicks anymore.

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Opening:¬†up about my life again, since announcing my IVF pregnancy has felt so good. I don’t feel writer’s block anymore and I am enjoying documenting everything. It’s probably not everybody’s cup of tea, but that’s OK. I have a bit of a one track mind right now! I get it!

Giggling:¬†at the silliest things makes me happy. Yesterday it was my grandfather’s rather…unique technique for cutting cling wrap. You probably had to be there, but there’s nothing better than a giggle with the fam, right?

Feeling: tired, but good right this minute. The sunshine ALWAYS helps.

Snacking:¬†hasn’t occurred yet, but it might once I finish this post!

Helping:¬†others feels really good when it is appreciated. That’s of course not the main motivation, but it feels good to have positive feedback.

Hearing:¬†the dryer working away. Trying to defluff some towels I just bought. Not succeeding too well. I’m now covered in that fluff (will be a great look at school pick up)! So is the doona my nephew is supposed to sleep under tonight and I have no idea how to effectively remove it in time – eep! I need like a huge doona sized piece of sticky paper haha. #domesticgoddess #not

That shall be a problem for 3 hours from now Kez.

What have you been up to lately?

Taking Stock: May 2017

It’s May! I feel like this year is zooming by, but I’m not mad about it.

It’s time for me to take stock, like I do every couple of months! It’s a great way to capture what’s happening in an exact moment of my life. I find I actually get quite REAL in these posts for some reason. You would probably find out some little things about me that I don’t mention anywhere else. Or not. Who knows. Let’s find out!

Making:¬†time to catch up with myself on this lovely Friday. It’s lovely because it’s Friday and I have a day off from work or boring obligations!

Cooking:¬†is fun on the weekends but not fun during the week when you’re rushed AF.

Drinking: wine tonight. FOR SURE.

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Reading: The Fifth Letter by Nicola Moriarty. I have only just started it. The themes behind the story really resonated with me when I was looking for something new to read, so here we are! I am stoked to actually have something to list here. I am reading more this year like I hoped I would! Not much, but more! Go me!

Wanting: to get to a place in my life where I can commit to anything social/fitness wise/financial without fertility stuff hanging over my head anymore.

Looking:¬†at my Fitbit – I’m charging it right now, so of course I can’t walk anywhere.

Playing:¬†my own music on the way home from the school drop off is the best.¬†I never want to get out of the car because there’s always a good song playing! I think I need a long solo road trip – that would be the best!

Deciding: on what I will do exercise wise today. I think some treadmill time and some Fitness Marshall dance work outs sounds great. I just want it to be fun today.

Wishing: with all of my heart and soul for some fertility success this year.

Enjoying: the quiet. I love the quiet of my house right now.

Waiting: is difficult. I am getting more impatient as I get older, I swear it.

Liking:¬†Instagram stories more now that it’s been around a while longer. I am using it more and looking at other stories more too. I think it’s just an extra procrastination tool to add to my snapchat addiction! I still think they stole it from Snapchat and WTF but it’s growing on me.

Wondering:¬†if the weather will make up its mind about what it wants to do right now. I like that it’s trying to hold onto the warm sun, but I hate that it changes from one extreme to the other in one day! I never know what to wear!

Loving:¬†the fact that I’m finding my own unique style again. Each year I hit a bit of a style slump but there’s no better feeling than picking myself up again and updating my wardrobe.

Pondering:¬†over when I should return to my hair salon and enact the second part of my plan to get really rad hidden rainbow hair happening. I’ve already lightened it once, but I need to go back to get it really bright blonde for maximum fashion colour impact!

Considering:¬†whether or not to start doing afternoon school pick ups through the kiss ‘n’ drop lane. The Little Mister has been nagging me (he thinks it’s such a big kid thing to do) and while the idea of never leaving my car sounds super appealing, a part of me knows I’ve been a bit absent this year at the school with all the fertility shit, so if standing awkwardly at the school gate for a few minutes a day so I get that great after school run-up-and-hug is what it takes to feel like I’m THERE, then I think I’ll do it. Maybe I can pick and choose a few days to do kiss ‘n’ drop when it suits. Compromise!

Buying:¬†jeggings for the first time recently was a little out of character for me, but a great decision (and I can’t believe I’m saying that)! I made sure to buy the ones that basically look like jeans and weren’t too obvious. But the stretchiness of the waistband has been welcomed! My body fluctuates all the time (partly due to constant weird fertility treatment shit and partly because I love food) and I got sick of playing the ‘will I have muffin top today’ game.

Watching: a bunch of stuff on the go on Netflix lately. Chelsea, Riverdale, Designated Survivor. 

Hoping:¬†I’ll get to catch up with some good friends soon. I’ve got a couple of peeps on my ‘must see soon’ list and as soon as my schedule becomes a little more predictable, I can’t wait to arrange something.

Marvelling:¬†at the kindness of strangers. A couple of ladies with really full trollies let me go in front of them at Aldi today because I only had 3 items. They were so nice. That’s the kind of thing that I like to pay forward. I hope I get to do that for someone else soon.

Cringing:¬†at the fact that I had to avoid a good (male) friend at the shops today. I had a bunch of bras in my hand and it just seemed like stopping to chat awkwardly was not something I felt our friendship needed in that moment ? I hid like a big baby in the womens’ accessories section until he was gone!

Needing: a few more nights of good sleep. As always.

Questioning:¬†what amount of cleavage is a classy amount of cleavage. I have had the girls out a little more than usual lately. Slightly lower necklines and the like. Nothing too crazy or inappropes, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. I always worry people will judge me¬†even though they shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t. I think I hid my chest area completely when I got pregnant with the Little Mister and had a bad rash (in 2011) and never got my confidence back again.

Smelling: nothing. No news is good news.

Following:¬†the Facebook page of a local personal trainer who does group boot camps on the beach nearby. Her class times sound really good, I love being at the beach, I need to do something like this, but I haven’t figured out if I can commit yet. So I am watching quietly and biding my time like a really good stalker.

Noticing:¬†that¬†I feel nice and calm today. I’ve needed this after a week full of nervous energy.

Knowing:¬†what I’m doing would be great. Generally. In life. Ha!

via GIPHY

Thinking:¬†about my plans for the weekend. Hopefully I’ve struck the right balance between rest and getting out of the house enough to avoid insanity.

Admiring: people who are there for others, even when they have their own struggles.

Sorting:¬†my wardrobe out still. I’m so excited to actually have clothes to wear this autumn/winter.

Getting: messages from my besties and just talking shit back and forth is always a great part of my day.

Bookmarking:¬†silly videos I find on Facebook that I want to show Mr Unprepared later so he can laugh or cringe. I don’t know if my efforts are always appreciated ?

Coveting:¬†those Dyson stick vacuum cleaner things. Or a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner. One day I shall have one. One day. Just not for Mother’s Day. Because that might not go down so well haha.

Disliking: not much right this minute.

Opening:¬†my fitbit app is the first thing I do each morning. I like to see how I slept. Sometimes this is a valuable exercise and sometimes it’s a self inflicted torture thing haha.

Giggling: about my people watching adventures in the school car park (yes my life feels like it revolves around the school car park Рcan you tell). I see some really great things that make me laugh (in a not obvious way of course).

Feeling: happy right now. In this moment!

Snacking:¬†has been a problem. Mostly because there’s SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in my house right now. I am not normally a snacker or a chocoholic but the temptation is just too great (and the PMS has been real too).

via GIPHY

Helping: myself to relax by having a quiet day seems to be working.

Hearing: birds making noises in the distance. Which is so much nicer than listening to the recent ridiculous night time cat fights (they are not our cats but they think our place is an ideal battleground Рgah)!


What have you been up to lately?

Taking Stock: March 2017

It’s March already. What the hell. It’s shaping up to be a crazy month and quite honestly, the name ‘Awesomely Unprepared’ has never fit me so well as it does now. It’s time to take stock and capture this moment in time!

Making: The most of the little time I have right now before the Little Mister wakes up for the day.

Cooking: All the ‘sometimes’ foods more than sometimes. Must try harder to keep my diet (not ‘diet’ as in fad diet – ‘diet’ as in nutritional intake) on track.

Drinking: More water.

Reading: Amy Schumer’s book. STILL. OK, so not really actively reading it. BUT I WILL FINISH IT.

Wanting: Our journey with secondary infertility to end as soon as possible, please. I have told myself that 2017 is our year and I really really hope I’m not wrong.

Looking: at my computer. Because I’m blogging. Duh.

Playing: all my favourite music on Spotify on the drive home (alone) from the city on Friday was the perfect treat. I don’t usually do it because it eats up some data (I can’t download the songs to my phone because it’s chockers and has no memory available), but it was worth it. I don’t usually use much data anyway, so I think I’ll do this more as I’ll be up and down to the city a lot this month. When my data’s low, I’ll play all the podcasts I never get to listen to! It will be my version of me-time!

Deciding: on things and owning those decisions without doubting myself or caring too much about what other people will think is easier said than done but I’m working on it.

Wishing: I didn’t constantly feel like I’m fighting off a cold.

Enjoying: a very low key long weekend, socially.

Waiting: for new seasons of Catfish and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I know. It’s sad of me.

Liking: the fact that on this public holiday Monday, I haven’t had to worry about getting the Little Mister to school. A reprieve!

Wondering: why the Little Mister is up so early. I just heard his bedroom door. I know he’ll be good and stay in his room but that’s weird, anyhow.

Loving: my sleep lately. I’m not getting enough (7 hours or less on average) but I’m falling asleep nice and early without spending hours lying in bed waiting for the Zzzs to come.

Pondering: a lot of things. Because over thinker.

Considering: what I want to do with my day.

Buying: a new dress for a wedding soon. I do not know for sure if I’ll make it to the wedding, but damn it, I’m buying the outfit anyway.

Watching: a lot of Ellen lately. I’ve become a cliched housewife. I watch Ellen when I need to be cheered up. I have heaps of episodes saved onto my DVR to watch at any time haha.¬†

Hoping: So much hoping.

Marvelling: at my resilience. That makes me sound up myself, but sometimes I just don’t know how I keep getting up again and again. I’m glad I do.

Cringing: at the last couple of days and my emotional rollercoaster.

Needing: more alone time. I’m just feeling so greedy for it lately. I’ve already got it fairly good, but I’m craving prolonged solitude!

Questioning: my own judgement. Seems to be a theme with me at the moment.

Smelling: Nothing. My nose has been a bit stuffy.

Wearing: an old singlet that I’ve loved so much over the years, the fabric has taken on a PJ like quality so now I just wear it to bed anyhow.

Following: every Facebook article about Married at First Sight. I’m disgusted with myself haha.

Noticing: a new pimple on my jawline. Lucky me.

Knowing: when to follow your head vs your heart is really tricky.

Thinking: about my life, my relationships, the future.

Admiring: People who have survived struggles similar to mine. Makes me feel like I’m not alone and that there’s hope.

Sorting: the junk in my spare room is a task that haunts me. It’s always the first thing to drop off the priority list when life gets busy. GAH!

Getting: out of bed today will be hard to do. I’m so comfy.

Bookmarking: the result of personality type quiz I did. Apparently I’m an ENFP? I am not 100% sure that completely nails who I am but I want to read over it a lot more and think about it!

Coveting: ALL THE CLOTHES. I’ve only recently discovered that I like clothes shopping again. Now I want all the things that make me feel good. Party clothes, casual clothes, activewear, autumn winter stuff – basically every damn thing haha.

Disliking: the fact that I often chicken out of wearing a bright lipstick. I rock those bright colours and I should stop worrying that it’s ‘too much’.

Opening: the new app I got to track my food (it’s like a visual food diary). It’s called ‘Ate’ (in case you’re interested) and you take a photo of everything you eat or drink and decide whether this food is going to help you with your health goals or not. I think it’s going to be very interesting in keeping me accountable! Note: yesterday I was literally 0% on track hahaha. OOPS.

Giggling: at just about everything on Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been my nightly therapy. Don’t you just love when a TV show nails your exact sense of humour?

Feeling: a bit crappy. But OK.

Snacking: has been an issue for me this weekend. I must remember to only eat when I’m genuinely hungry!!

Helping: the Little Mister under the covers for a morning snuggle makes me happy.

Hearing: the Little Mister nagging me for breakfast!


What have you been up to lately?

Things I could do instead of being on hold.

Today I had to make some phone calls that I was dreading. Not just because I sometimes get tongue tied on the phone with strangers (didn’t happen today – a miracle!), but because I hate being put on hold. HATE IT. I mean, does anyone actually like it?? That music (or more accurately muzak). Those patronising messages every 5 minutes about how the service provider is thankful that I am waiting and that they appreciate my call and that I am in a long queue – thanks for being patient (when I have no choice). Yuck yuck yuck.

I got off lightly because in total, I was only on hold for 40 minutes. I had predicted that I would be waiting that long (or longer) for only one call to be answered. Still, it got me thinking about all of the things I could do instead of being on hold and, for those collective 40 minutes, I realised that I had taken for granted all of the other 40 minute blocks of time I’ve had in my life where I wasn’t on hold and what I could do with that time to make my life more enjoyable! I’m only half joking.

I thought about doing these things at the same time as being on hold, but that muzak made me feel stabby and I couldn’t think straight with it on in the background or hear anything else haha.

15 minutes

  • Program my DVR for the entire week – because that stuff takes time (priorities!)
  • Listen to around 5 pop songs (at about 3 minutes in length each)
  • Drive from my house into the centre of my home town to do more enjoyable stuff
  • Put on a pore strip and then remove it and stare at it for about 5 minutes (because that’s the fun part)
  • Write this little list of things I could do in 15 minutes while on hold (taking lengthy pauses to think in between ideas)

30 minutes

  • Give myself a decent manicure using normal nail polish – taking time to let two coats dry
  • Watch an episode of Home and Away from the night before (including the ads)
  • Do a Couch to 5 K work out on the treadmill
  • Walk to the beach from my house at a leisurely pace (because being at the beach is heaps better than being on hold)
  • Read a chapter of Amy Schumer’s book

40 minutes

  • Watch an episode of anything involving the Kardashians¬†(without ads)
  • Have a nap – you can fit a whole sleep cycle into 40 minutes and actually wake up feeling better!
  • Complete an entire week’s online grocery shop
  • Write an entire blog post
  • Clean half my house

Bonus list – gun to my head – what I would pick over being on hold for 40 minutes:

  • Watching 8 episodes of Peppa Pig
  • Ironing around 13 work shirts for my husband (keep in mind that I don’t iron if I can get away with it and I don’t iron his stuff especially haha)
  • Asking my child to find his shoes because we’re going out (hahaha – I swear it probably takes that long for us to argue about it and for him to find them)
  • Waiting in line anywhere. OK, so that almost comes in at a tie but at least I can people watch and entertain my inner judgy bitch
  • Writing up the monthly family budget and paying all the bills – YUCK. BUT STILL LESS YUCK THAN BEING ON HOLD.

What’s the longest you’ve ever been on hold for? I bet there’s some great Centrelink personal bests out there!

 

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak?¬†