Tag: IVF pregnancy

23 weeks pregnant.

This week, I felt like my bump suddenly pushed itself out into the world – more than it already had been!

I felt the baby’s hiccups. It made me smile so much, because the Little Mister used to hiccup a LOT in utero (still does) and the thought of his little sister taking after him in that area was kind of sweet.

She also decided to tap dance on my bladder a lot. I don’t really remember the Little Mister doing this so much. I must say it’s the most uncomfortable feeling! It makes you want to pee but you know you don’t have to. It’s kind of annoying in all honesty haha.

My PUPPP rash was frustrating this week (I mean duh it always is but there are some moments that are more irritating than others). I was getting a handle on it, when it came to my torso, but then it decided that it needed to attack everywhere that was safe from my prescription ointment at the time. I was getting little bumps on my feet and legs. Some on my arms. This bothers me for vanity reasons if I must be honest. The rash scabs up – either from me scratching in my sleep or just from being irritated – and while I have hated it on my sides and backside, at least I could take comfort in the fact that nobody can see those parts of me. I worry a little that if it consumes my legs and arms, I’ll feel hideous in the summer weather.

I think I have got it kind of under control (as much as a person can with PUPPP) but I know I’ll have scars for a long time to come. It’s really hard to deal with the week long cycle of attacking each new area with ointment. It takes a whole week to control a new outbreak. So you can imagine how relentless it feels when you start treating one area, knowing it will be a week before you feel relief, and then another area starts up. That’s a whole other week to go of applying the greasy ointment and praying for the best! This will not stop until I have the baby. And that’s if I’m lucky. I read about women in my support group who have not ever completely rid themselves of it! Eep! I just have to try to stay positive and not freak out about how long I have to go.

In other news, I had a dream run with nesting this week. Was SO AWESOME. I’ve alternated between sloth-tired and too busy to be at home enough, throughout this pregnancy. Getting time in to really feel accomplished around the house has been challenging. But things seemed to settle down this week and I was really excited to fulfil an adulthood dream. Yep. I took the plunge and purchased a *wait for it* DYSON CORDLESS VACUUM. OMG. If you’re nodding along and thinking, “YAAAAASSS,” then you are one of my people. You get it. Amazing. Amazed. My carpets and floors have never been so happy. Even Mr Unprepared is stoked with how easy it is to use. And how deeply it cleans the carpets. It is freakin’ embarrassing what came out of our carpets the first time I used the Dyson. My old, haunted vacuum cleaner with the missing wheel, was not doing its job, I can tell you that much.

I was sorting washing and smashing out ‘been putting it off’ tasks like a mofo. I hope I can repeat this weekly now that I’m in some sort of routine. Just don’t tell me about how long it is(n’t) until Christmas and I won’t hyperventilate, OK?

This week I had an appointment with my midwife. She was lovely and helped go in to bat for me to get a new prescription for my rash ointment. I’d been stressing out about lack of supply. That afternoon, I was stoked to pick up an ongoing script that will most likely last for my whole pregnancy (and then some for good luck). I was so relieved. I know I will use it responsibly and I just needed to know that my doctor would think so too. I was getting anxiety never knowing if I’d run out all the time (the tubes are tiny). As you read above, this condition can be relentless. You can’t ever just ‘skip a day’ without being in a whole world of itchy hell. I feel so good knowing I won’t have to worry about that side of things anymore.

At that appointment, I also got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. She’s grown so much she can’t hide from the doppler anymore! She sounded strong and it’s always so nice to listen to her. My belly measured at 24 weeks (I was just 3 days shy of 24 weeks at my appointment) which made me happy too.

Hope you’ve had a good week – chat soon! x

21 weeks pregnant.

This week felt like a mixed bag of emotions! That damn rash I’m experiencing got me down a bit. I realised that I should be kind to myself and acknowledge that it can be really draining when your body is constantly fighting itself. I was a bit embarrassed at how tired and big I felt. I mean, come on – I’d only just passed the half way mark and I was carrying on like I was about to pop! I was wishing time would speed up because I was already SO over it. Which is dumb because I have SO MUCH stuff to do before the baby arrives and also, I felt guilty for not enjoying things more after wanting this for so long.

But then I realised that I have wanted a baby for so long. I have wanted the end result. The completion of my family. So what if pregnancy is not a perfect experience for me? It’s worth it in the end and I would never not have signed up for that. The Little Mister is proof that eventually the scars (and the itching) fade and it’s a blip on the radar of my life – even if a very significant and memorable one. It’s definitely a marathon and not a sprint for me! I just keep striving to keep perspective.

In saying that, I think that should we have everything go well and the baby arrives healthy, this will be my last pregnancy. FOR SURE. I mean, you can say ‘never say never’ but right this minute I know I will be glad to see the end of worrying about pregnancy and fertility. I will love my family of four fiercely, enjoy my two as they grow and that will be that.

Speaking of the rash, I cracked and called my clinic. I spoke to a lovely midwife (who I know personally also) who helped me to get a prescription for a slightly stronger steroid ointment (the same one I used last pregnancy). It felt good to be proactive. I think I could do with a lot more (the tubes are TINY and I don’t want to have to chase it up every time I run out) but I think it’s helping? In all honesty, it’s kind of hard to tell at the moment. I think the rash itself is spreading down my legs a bit but the symptoms are manageable. I still get a bit distressed in the late afternoon and in the evenings but I can get about during the day OK.

I had a lot of down time this week. I slept a lot and this was good. I needed it. But it was also difficult because quiet days, no matter how much I need them, mean itchier moments with less distractions. More difficult thoughts with no distractions – it really does your head in. Trying to find a balance! I don’t recall being this uncomfortable at night last time. I think because this rash is on my sides where I sleep, whereas last time it was mostly on my front. You win some you lose some, I guess.

Anyway, I should probably just rename these weekly blog posts “RASH UPDATES” but hey. I’m trying to give an honest account. Sadly this consumes me a lot. Maybe when I’m clucky after this baby is born, I can read back and think OH HELL NO. NEVER AGAIN. Just a little reminder to future me haha.

Some other stuff did happen, though!

I started to get slightly leaky boobs. Yep. Little drops of colostrum! I thought that I was a freak having this happen early, but apparently it seems to be kind of common at this stage of pregnancy. It happened with the Little Mister too! Sadly, last time my breastfeeding efforts were kind of thwarted when he was born, but I like to think that this could mean a good supply this time around, should I be able to avoid too much trauma during birth (and the antibiotics didn’t help either).

The Little Miss (yep – she’s got her own moniker already – very original as you can see) is already being showered with gifts. I bought her very first book this week. I am so excited to teach her about inspirational women and encourage her to be a strong, confident and awesome little rebel (in all the good ways).

I feel like it’s important to balance out all of the fairy tales where the princess waits around to be rescued by a prince. I hope this book can be a great keepsake for many years to come.

I also felt so happy when I received a surprise package in the mail from a lovely friend.

It contained a beautiful little outfit – the shirt has a unicorn on it. What more can I say? OK, besides it being so cute, I was really appreciative of this gift. It came on a day when I was feeling quite flat and a bit dejected because of the…yes I am mentioning it again…rash. This picked me up at the exact right time. I am so grateful for the love the Little Miss is receiving already from the people in my life.

The baby’s kicks are increasing and sometimes I can even see my belly bounce ever so slightly when I feel one. Mr Unprepared has been able to feel them even more and that’s been lovely.

Also, my t-shirts which seemed SO oversized at the beginning of my pregnancy are starting to look ridiculously short on me. I might need to do a little more shopping for maternity wear once school goes back – any excuse, right?

Here’s me at 21 weeks…

Thanks for reading! x

19 weeks pregnant.

And another week bites the dust!

I spent this week feeling stressed for non pregnancy related reasons, which was quite annoying. I felt really emotionally and physically drained, when I should have been feeling amazing. But I hope that next week will be a fresh start.

I am still getting used to calling my bump a ‘her’ or ‘she’. It sounds so foreign to me. I spent a long time calling the baby, ‘it’ haha. Probably shouldn’t do that anymore, considering there’s a creepy AF remake of the Stephen King movie out right now! Even saying the word ‘girl’ feels awkward. I guess that’s OK – I have a while to get my head around it! I am very excited but I think I am in a bit of shock. I never realised how used to the idea of having another boy I was. I just thought it would be an inevitability, quite honestly! I think maybe once my mum is around more and we can start planning fun stuff together, like decorating the nursery or going shopping for clothes together, I will start to feel more able to embrace the idea. I think maybe the stress I felt this week sadly overshadowed a time when I should have been adjusting to, and really celebrating, the good news a lot more.

This week, I also bought myself new bras. Up a cup size, y’all. Probably up two, but I got a good deal on bras from Big W so we’ll just go with that for now. Maybe I’m in denial haha. I think my next over the shoulder boulder holder purchases will probably be proper nursing bras, so I am holding off a little.

I had a doctor’s appointment this week. I was looking forward to it. Partly because I had some issues I wanted to ask about and address, and partly because it’s always a way to connect in some way to my pregnancy – I am always likely to have a scan or hear the heartbeat. It was good/important to have Mr Unprepared visit the clinic for the first time and meet the doctor. He’d taken a lot of time off work to get me through my fertility treatments and appointments and IVF, so making it to every appointment once I fell pregnant became a lot harder (although he hasn’t missed the important ultrasounds). I felt like he needed to connect with the process more and this was helpful, I think.

I had been worried about my itchiness (as mentioned in previous updates). I was finally able to show the doctor what my rash spots looked like. The bad news is that he agreed it could possibly be a re-emergence of the PUPPP rash that I’d suffered from during my first pregnancy, but the good news was that he was really knowledgeable, compassionate and pro-active about it. During my first pregnancy, I’d waited until it was really bad before telling anyone (it was embarrassing and it was my first pregnancy so I didn’t know what was normal), and then my previous doctor had been on leave (haha of course) and I’d had weeks of seeing random GPs who had no experience with the condition, and then I’d had to make my way up to the city for a dermatologist’s appointment, before finally getting help. By then everything had set in quite awfully and the mental and emotional damage had probably been done too.

This time was different. I was quick to mention my itchiness. The doctor was also quick to prescribe me some medicated cream and anti-histamines – all safe to take during pregnancy (please do not try these things without getting medical advice of your own). He explained that I am probably allergic in some way to my own pregnancy hormones/baby’s DNA. So that’s fun!

I immediately filled out the scripts and already felt better, mentally. It’s always nice to feel like you have support and a plan. So far the drugs seem to be working OK (not perfectly but OK). Some areas seem to have become 100% better and others are still a bit of a problem but haven’t got any worse. I will re-visit the clinic at about 24 weeks, just to check in and get any extra help if I need it. I am just glad that I am catching this condition earlier than last time. Maybe I can stop it from ever getting as bad as it was.

I cannot stress enough just how important it is to mention anything and everything when you see your care providers. If you’re uncomfortable in your skin or have an embarrassing issue, just listen to your gut and tell someone. The earlier you get help, the better it is for your mental health. Truly.

I’ve always thought I was huge (bump wise), although not as big as I thought I was when carrying the Little Mister, but I was surprised when the midwife measured my belly, to find out that its size was bang on between 19 and 20 weeks at the time of my appointment. While this can vary a lot in every woman and should probably largely be taken with a pinch of salt, I still felt a little relieved that maybe I wasn’t as massive as I originally thought (especially with my snacking being a bit out of control haha)! My mum reminded me that I was actually quite small (normal and healthy but small) when I was born – according to my adoption records and early photos. I felt relieved at the thought that maybe having a girl might mean she could take after me (Mr Unprepared was quite humongously big when he was born and while the Little Mister thankfully never reached that size it was close enough for my comfort levels I can tell you).

I was given instructions for further appointments and tests (I am not looking forward to finding out if I have gestational diabetes or not) and I was on my way. It felt good to fill out my calendar with exact dates for once (after the relative unpredictability of infertility).

I don’t know how to end this post, so here’s a picture of my bump at 19 weeks…

Until the next update, see ya later! x

18 weeks pregnant.

During the 18th week of pregnancy, a lot of my thoughts turned to: OH HOLY SHIT. I AM ALMOST HALF WAY THROUGH THIS PREGNANCY ALREADY. I’VE DONE SHIT ALL TO GET READY FOR THIS BABY.

Very helpful thoughts, obviously.

Then I’d calm down and remind myself that I wanted to find out the sex of my baby first, before buying too much stuff or planning on how to decorate. Not that I am too fussed about the whole pink vs blue thing or the full on gender stereotypes (in fact I think that I can be a bit of a rebel), but it was a good way to procrastinate guilt free for a bit longer haha.

This week it really felt like my belly was streeeeetching and with that stretching came some itchiness in my stretchy areas. I also had some itching in the areas that can get a bit hot/humid. Arm pits, backs of my knees (weirdly), other less dignified creases. I’d happily not bring this up, because it can be embarrassing (and not very glam) but I didn’t talk about similar symptoms when I was pregnant with the Little Mister right away and I think it gave the itchiness too much power. Maybe I’m weird but I am a person who finds itchiness to be the worst psychological torture you can imagine (from a privileged first world point of view of course).

Gotta keep it real.

I’m probably not overreacting (much), because during my first pregnancy, I suffered from the PUPPP rash – most women get it from about 35 weeks pregnant and it lasts until they give birth. For me, it came at 20 weeks!! It’s a severe rash and it involved a panicked trip to a dermatologist (after suffering way too long because I had no idea what to do and neither did a lot of GPs I saw while my doc was on leave) who had to prescribe me a strong steroid cream because it was the only thing that would help. It was hell on earth.

Anyway, this severe rash had seemingly started with the itching symptoms I have described above, so I was paranoid for most of the week. I had to keep reminding myself that lots of women feel overheated or get dry, sensitive or stretchy skin when pregnant. It doesn’t have to eventuate into a big fuck off rash situation. It might, but it doesn’t automatically mean it will.

So I’m avoiding soap in the shower (no I do not stink – I use soap free lotions to clean myself) and using a light moisturiser on my problem areas. I’m also avoiding tight pants or jeans. Luckily, spring weather is arriving so this isn’t too hard to do. Wish me luck!

This week, Mr Unprepared felt his first kick from the outside of my belly. I find when the baby moves much lower down in my uterus, you can feel it more. It was a fleeting moment but a special one. I am sure there will be many more where that came from over the coming weeks!

One day shy of 19 weeks along, I had my anatomy scan. We had been very excited about this because we hoped to find out the sex of the baby (and I would have no choice but to face the fact that my procrastination period would be over haha). We went in and it was so awesome to see how the baby had grown so much since my 12 week scan. Seeing it move, hearing the heart beat, having the sonographer tell us everything was measuring beautifully and everything was looking healthy was fantastic. The baby was not very cooperative at times and really didn’t want to pose for photos or be easily nailed down (that’s a terrible use of words) for measurements of certain things and it freaked me out about future personality issues hahaha.

Eventually, we heard the words…

“I can tell you that you are definitely having a little girl.”

Neither Mr Unprepared or I could hide our shock or our excitement. I had secretly hoped that one day we’d have one of each, but it just didn’t seem like it could happen (I mean I know scientifically it can but I just didn’t think it could happen to us). I’d been ready to love and embrace another boy because we had been through so much that any healthy baby would be more than enough – preferring a gender just seemed greedy. Not that a baby won’t be whoever they are as they grow up (regardless of their body parts), but I guess I did appreciate my brother and I being ‘one of each’ and I was happily a breaker of stereotypes anyhow – still am. The Little Mister had expressed this desire quite openly. He wanted our family to have a boy and a girl. A brother and a sister. I was overjoyed for him (and relieved we weren’t going to have to work through any disappointments with him).

We whooped a bit and looked at each other like, WOW. THIS IS AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.

We told our loved ones right away and everyone was so excited. There are so many males in both our families that everyone is excited each time a girl gets added to the mix (things are slowly evening up)!

We are over the moon and I still can’t believe I will have a girl! I can’t believe my husband will have a girl! This will be so good for him haha. I think he will be smitten. I think he already is!

We went to lunch to celebrate (I had a fancy mocktail) and before we knew it we were talking names and giggling over the bad ideas we found in our new baby names book!

We told the Little Mister on the way home from school and his face lit up. He exclaimed, “YAY!” and told us that he was more excited than when we told him I’m pregnant. It was very sweet.

What have you been up to this week? Would you want to find out the gender ahead of your baby’s birth? 

17 weeks pregnant.

Yo! Here’s my 17 week update…I’m crap at thinking up a really smooth pre-amble so I’m just going to jump into it and let you know how my week has been!

Celebrity baby news…

Yep. We all heard about our good mate Kate and her baby news. I have decided that our babies will be besties. I’m pregnant at the same time as royalty, so that’s nice haha. I have to say that when I read that she is suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum for the THIRD TIME, it made me feel really grateful that I have not had to experience anything like that. Imagining a princess (or Lady anyhow – I don’t know how it works) looking wrecked AF, head over the toilet bowl, really weirdly makes me love her more. Weird pregnancy bullshit does not discriminate, y’all.

There’s a Kardashian West baby rumoured to be due in January. I guess it’s time to let you in on something. I am carrying Kim and Kanye’s baby. I know. Please. No media.

Little Mister has been working it to his advantage…

This week, the Little Mister realised that if he told strangers that I have a baby in my tummy, they thought it was the cutest, sweetest, funniest thing ever. So he played up to it as much as possible.

“Hi, my name is *Little Mister* and my mummy has a baby in her tummy.”

Everywhere we went.

All the “oohs and aahs” and “I bet you’ll be a great big brother”s really made him happy haha. Shout out to all the staff at the local IGA – thanks for sharing in our news 😂😂😂

Cravings…

I had a real hankering for anything peanut butter related. Whether it was in ice cream or a slice or whatever, I was wanting it. I’ve enjoyed peanut butter before, but I have probably never raved about it. In fact, I thought it was kind of an overrated flavour and couldn’t really understand the fuss. I mean, I loved it as a spread on apple slices when trying to be healthy, but that was the extent of it. Now I feel like I get it. I really really do.

Forgetting I am pregnant…

I think I had a pretty good week. At times I was able to forget for a few hours at a time that I was even pregnant. I didn’t feel huge and I could get through the day with relative ease. Occasionally, I would have to run my hand over my belly to remind myself! I swear that at the same stage of pregnancy with the Little Mister 6 years ago, I felt more pregnant than that.

Is it a boy or girl?

That’s been the most frequently asked question lately! Basically, we have decided we want to find out at our 19 week scan. I keep asking myself why it’s important to find out – I’m not that rigid on gender stereotypes – but I really do want to know!! I honestly have no gut feeling about what this baby might be. All I know is that I will be happy either way. It would be cool to have a girl (even things up a little in my house), but I have an AMAZING little boy who I have enjoyed immensely so another one would definitely be lovely.

Do you like to find out before the baby is born or do you like to wait?

16 weeks pregnant.

At 16 weeks, the baby was the size of an avocado. Yum!

This week, I started to feel some little movements! I felt little movements at 16 weeks when I was pregnant with the Little Mister, so it was nice to have it happen so soon again! At first I wasn’t sure, expecting some of it to be indigestion or something. Trust me, I thought I felt a lot of things going on in there while we were trying so hard for a baby (not kicking or anything obviously but tugs and pains that I hoped were a sign of early pregnancy) and I was always wrong. I am not one to jump to conclusions these days!

A couple of times I sneezed (fact: I sneeze with gusto) and right after, I would feel a couple of suspiciously timed little jabs like the baby was all, “WTF WAS THAT, MUM?”

Another time, we were eating lunch out with friends and I hadn’t really had much for breakfast beforehand. The moment I started to munch on my meal, I felt little flippy, movey feelings! Since then, I have had occasional feelings of movement when I’m still and now I’m really impatient for them to become pronounced enough that Mr Unprepared and the Little Mister might be able to feel them. In saying that, it’s probably a good thing there’s a while until then…I remember how I felt last time at that point haha.

I was really excited because I was able to get out and about in my favourite dress. The one with a cool tiger on the chest and a flowy black skirt. The bad ass dress that I was too scared to wear when I wasn’t pregnant in case it made me look pregnant. Hilariously, when I put it on I realised it made me look NOT pregnant and I was all, you mean I could have worn this all along?!

This week I did a big clean out of my wardrobe. I put aside all of the things I am now too round to wear and I tried on literally every other thing so I could see what outfits I could create from my existing non-maternity wardrobe. I was pleasantly surprised by a few things (and unpleasantly surprised by a lot of other things haha). Now I know how everything will look/fit and that makes life a lot easier. Before that, I was doing trial and error last minute before going anywhere and it was getting a bit time consuming and tiresome!

Also of note: my stretch marks from my last pregnancy decided to reinvent themselves. Back from the dead, a little more dangerous looking and ready to cause trouble. Much like Taylor Swift. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. I’ve been moisturising a bit and praying I will never have a repeat of the rash from hell of 2011.

The Little Mister has suggested some baby names already. So far we have Little Mister Junior, Tim (random) and Pat because he wants the baby to grow up to be a postman. I’m thinking that maybe when we do start to think seriously about names, we might need to create a shortlist first before handing over any input!!

Also, on the topic of the Little Mister – he got his first wobbly tooth this week! Maybe it’s not pregnancy related, but damn it’s awesome and he’s growing up so much and I love him so!

15 weeks pregnant.

Week 15 of my pregnancy felt like a bit of a roller coaster of emotions! I blame the hormones!

I learned that I’m a bit more sensitive to the energy of other people when I’m pregnant. One example was a beautiful, sunny day when we went out to a community event. There were people everywhere and there was a wonderful, buzzing atmosphere. We ran into heaps of people we know and it was lovely. I actually had a really great time! When it was all over, I felt like I was completely wrecked and on the verge of tears! I think I had just gone into some kind of overwhelmed state and I couldn’t process everything. I was also feeling a little awkward as so many amazing people were excited to congratulate us in person and I never know what to say (although the sentiment is so lovely and it feels so nice to know so many people care so much). I think I just needed a nice shower and a rest.

The next emotional moment was a heart wrencher! One day, the Little Mister had written everyone’s names on his little chalkboard. Mummy, Daddy, Little Mister (obviously he wrote his real name) and the joke name for my bump. The names of everyone in our family. It was very sweet. Later that afternoon, Mr Unprepared walked past and noticed that the Little Mister had rubbed his name off the board but left everyone else’s. He asked why he had done that and the Little Mister replied, “Because when the baby comes you won’t love me anymore.”

He had the saddest little face and Mr Unprepared scooped him up in the biggest hug and tried to reassure him that it could never ever happen and that we would love him forever and ever no matter what. I had been in the other room and walked in wondering what was going on after hearing the tail end of their conversation.

When Mr Unprepared explained, I wanted to cry for my little man (who has wanted to be a big brother for the longest time)! I hugged him tight and told him that one of the reasons we wanted so much to have another child was because we wanted two children to love and who could love each other – not one! I said the family would never be the same without a very important person in it – him. That Mummy and Daddy’s hearts are so big that there’s plenty of room for us to love two beautiful children just as much as each other and that would never change. He seemed really reassured by that and afterwards, his demeanour changed a lot. He seemed a lot less anxious and more sure of himself. Poor little mite.

I was trying to figure out where he got that idea from. We had certainly not treated him much different. We talked about the baby coming, but I had always made a point of not obsessing in front of him. We had talked about the dogs – one of our dogs is very old and we were worried about her health (turns out the spritely old bugger is fine) and had mentioned in passing that when she was no longer with us, we might just stick to one dog for a while. Could it have been that?! I felt a bit bad when it occurred to me! I’d been giving the Little Mister extra cuddles and affection since I’d found out I was pregnant because I wanted him to feel special. Did he think I was just getting my last hugs in before the big goodbye where we set him adrift?! It was heartbreaking to think that he could even believe that we’d stop loving him. Whether he likes it or not, he’s got us for life!!!!

This week, I also started to get a bit self conscious about how fast my bump was growing. Being my second pregnancy, I think I’m a bit bigger than I was at this stage with the Little Mister growing inside me. I can’t be sure because I never took photos (sorry not sorry for the spam but I don’t want to miss out this time), but I felt like I was getting huge. I don’t know if it’s a throwback from the extra hormones from IVF but I think my boobs are much more massive than they were last time too! I thought people would be staring at me thinking I’m about to pop. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was only 15 weeks along. Like maybe people would think I was just 90% fat and 10% baby. Even though if that was the case, it would be nobody’s damn business anyway!

I think I felt like I started this pregnancy a little bit behind with my fitness and my eating habits and my weight. IVF (and all that had come before it) had been rough and I weighed more when I fell pregnant than I had with the Little Mister.

Even though the rational me knows that a growing baby/bump is a good sign (it’s the not growing that has to be worried about) and that looks are nothing compared to mine or the baby’s health, the irrational, temporarily insane, pregnant me had a cry anyway. My bump will grow how my bump will grow and it’s a miracle and I needed to get over myself! Mr Unprepared set me straight one night when I did the hormonal crying thing and it really did help. I did get over it.

By the end of the week, my energy started to return. It was a really good feeling. I could make it through a whole day without needing to have a nap! I still fell asleep quite early at night, but that’s acceptable I think! I had started to think that maybe being an exhausted sloth was just who I was now. It was a relief to find out it wasn’t!

Do you have more than one child? How did your first born react when they found out that a sibling was on the way? Did they worry? 

14 weeks pregnant.

This week was full on. We were very busy and it felt like bub was very busy growing too!

It all started when Mr Unprepared showed me a car that was up for auction. He always shows me cars on auction websites (or Gumtree) so I don’t usually pay them much attention (especially when they’re very expensive or have crazy V8 motors in them or they’re the 10 millionth ute he’s fantasised about in a day – he already has a ute damn it). But this time I have to admit that he had my interest. He’d found a car that was newer than mine, practical for a growing family (with dogs), ran on gas (cost effective to run when you have just committed to many school years with hour long round trip commutes) and it actually looked nice in the photos.

It was his version of nesting. He wanted us to have a good, reliable family car so he knew that preggo/mummy me would be safe and comfortable. How could I say no to at least having a look at it? Anyway, long story short, we checked it out in person and I had a really good feeling about it. We hadn’t exactly planned on a purchase like that right that minute, but thanks to some frugal living and pretty sensible financial decisions it was doable. Not to mention that it was a bargain. We won the bidding on it and it’s beautiful to drive! Nobody knows who the hell I am in the school car park anymore but it’s fantastic haha. I do feel comforted knowing it will be a long time before we need to upgrade or worry about reliability/ease of maintenance.

A lot of the week was spent making arrangements to collect the car – I did so many hour long road trips on top of school runs!

I felt a bit uncomfortable when sleeping this week. I could feel my uterus stretching a lot and it was a little unsettling. I mean, obviously it was great that everything was growing, but it could get uncomfortable as I tried to lie on my side at night. I found that the constant ‘stretched’ feeling was exhausting and thought, oh shit – I ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

I’d laugh because when I first woke up each morning, my belly would look quite small and sometimes I felt like I didn’t even look pregnant. However, by the evening it was a different story (no matter how much or how little I ate)! I felt HUGE by the time I climbed into bed!

I felt like my bump had really popped out this week and was no longer just the bloat of early pregnancy. It was a good feeling.

I really enjoyed dressing my bump too. After hiding in hoodies and (non maternity) jeggings for what felt like an eternity, it was fun to not worry about showing off my belly. I actually love being pregnant because a lot of my hang ups about my belly disappear. Suddenly it’s not this annoying body image issue that I have to fight with myself about each day. I think I spent 3 years on and off hormones, dealing with bad PMS bloat and feeling sensitive/paranoid about the idea of someone mistaking me for being pregnant (the one thing that was a sore point for me throughout all the infertility stuff). It was nice to finally be able to shake that off.

Here is the first ‘put together’ outfit I had worn in ages. It felt good – like I’d deliberately dressed myself in something that resembled a ‘style’!

Also, this week I stopped spotting. It had been happening for a couple of weeks and I was so over it. It was so exciting when I realised it had disappeared. I really hope it’s gone for good. Even though I knew my pregnancy was looking good, it is never fully settling to know that there’s some bleeding going on.

Because of this, I started to look forward to the idea of being a bit more active and thinking a bit more about exercise. Key word: thinking. I was a bit too tired and busy to quite get to it!

 

13 weeks pregnant.

At 13 weeks, it felt really good to see the end of the first trimester! I had worked through a lot of feelings, found great reassurance in the fact that our first trimester scan had gone well and I felt comfortable enough to make plans with people again. It gave me a thrill to take my time walking through the baby sections of local shops without having to look over my shoulder and worry about who might see me. I could peruse the (very god damn limited) maternity clothing. I could buy some stuff in person. I was out and about with my bump and it felt good (even though I was still bloody exhausted)!

I took my first official ‘bump’ photo in a Target change room. Turns out that I am a size 8 in their popular stripy maternity dress. I have no idea how they work out the sizing. It’s so weird. I suggest going down a size or two in their maternity range!

I had brunch with a couple of long time friends this week. It was so lovely to catch up. One of these friends was spending some time over here (she lives in the US now) introducing her gorgeous baby daughter (3 months old at the time) to her Aussie people. My other friend is about 10 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and had actually told me about it the day before my IVF transfer (not realising that I was going to have it done)! It wasn’t just the same wonderful catch up we always have. Well, it was. But for me it was also a beautiful moment. We talked all things baby – maternity wear, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, how my friend was doing a fantastic job as a first time mum, how my pregnant friend and I could relate in having a larger age gap than average between our existing ‘only’ children and our babies to be. Weird food cravings and aversions. How amazing it was that the three of us (plus another dear friend who had a 3 month old baby also) had managed to share this experience so closely with each other, despite none of us ever imagining it. I was just beaming with happiness for all of us.

I was thrilled. I had sat there with these gorgeous people and instead of harbouring a little bit of sadness for myself, I had been over the moon. Really happy. I was in sync with my own little ‘second mother’s group’ – something I never thought would happen to me as I fell further and further behind a lot of my friends’ family planning schedules. I am so excited for what’s to come.

This week I had my first really definitive batshit crazy pregnancy dream. The symbolism was so hilariously obvious that I woke up laughing. Basically, it was Mr Unprepared, the Little Mister and I. We were headed for a little getaway. I had my guitar with me and some books to read (i.e. luxuries that can be hard to partake in with a baby or toddler) and we were going to be staying in some flash suite at the top of a hotel (I KNOW). But it turned out that to get to the top floor, we had to undertake an obstacle course. A tricky situation that resembled the Mousetrap board game, somewhat. It took balancing and leaping and dodging things. There were vacuum cleaners and piles of Lego and all manner of shit in the way. This wasn’t your usual ‘take the stairs’ kind of situation! I had to push the Little Mister up through these obstacles, trying to keep him safe the whole time. You get the idea 😂 Nice work, subconscious! Oh, and I never made it to that luxury hotel suite hahaha. OH WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

I had my appointment with the doctor this week, to follow up on my first trimester scan. It went really well. I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again and that was pretty freakin’ awesome. And funny. The slippery little sucker kept trying to escape the doppler, so the midwife had to trap it from the outside with her hands! I’ve got an active one in there! It made me really excited for later on when I’ll be able to feel it.

I also realised this week that I have been a bit scarred from having so many vaginal ultrasounds. I keep associating doctor appointments with having to take my pants off and deal with having an awkward wand up the bits scenario. So I would find myself trying to dress as if it was going to happen, mentally trying to psyche myself up for dealing with that kind of thing. I would do the whole over the top ‘trying to maintain grooming/freshness down there’ us ladies tend to do before that kind of situation, before having to remind myself that those times are over. It’s OK. They’re just going to put some gel on my belly and my pants are staying put. It’s been harder to shake that weird expectation than I thought it would be.

Some people dread dealing with that kind of thing once a year – or ever – so I guess it’s probably understandable that I have lost my mind a little bit after experiencing it about 12 times a year (on average) for like 2 years.

Has anyone else ever had some wicked pregnancy dreams? I want to hear about them. I find them so interesting! 

12 weeks pregnant: Announcement time.

As you might have gathered from my last blog post, I HATED having to hide the fact that I was pregnant for the entire first trimester. HATED IT. While I didn’t feel ready to announce it to everyone (for various reasons), I also hated having to hide things. Because I am not a ‘hider’. I am a sharer. Big on openness and honesty. At least that’s when my soul is the happiest.

It got difficult when I started to show. Even though I’m sure I just looked like I had a severe case of the muffin top (probably kind of still do), I felt incredibly self conscious and would take ages trying to figure out how to disguise my emerging bump. Big scarves. Hoodies that have great front pockets you can put your hands in on cold days. A big puffer jacket. At one point, I literally wore a big camouflage button up shirt which is pretty hilarious now that I think about it.

I was working through a lot of things.

I felt confused. I had survivor’s guilt. Something I did not really see coming. I had bonded with a bunch of amazing women in a private Facebook support group. Women who had been in similar situations to myself – desperate to grow their families but struggling. We had been able to vent to each other and feel safe with each other – no fear of being misunderstood or judged. You felt less alone in there.

I realised that by being pregnant, I was possibly no longer a sufferer of secondary infertility and while it’s something to feel absolutely stoked about, it brought me sadness that now I was set apart from these amazing, tough women. That they couldn’t feel the joy I was feeling. Not yet.

It really gave me an identity crisis, truth be known. Now I’m just another happy pregnant woman and it takes a bit of getting used to! I could still strongly identify with those who would feel sad seeing my bump. Hearing my news. I felt like I would walk around forever feeling guilty that I might be unknowingly hurting someone’s feelings. Because I knew how it felt.

In the end, I realised that I couldn’t hide any longer. That I should celebrate. That I need to for the sake of my mental health. That I never begrudged anyone who was pregnant while I was struggling. I just kept to myself because it was my issue, not theirs. I had to assume that someone who was suffering would probably feel/do the same. If the time came to make a happy announcement, I would not be afraid to document my pregnancy and to share the great news. I would understand if anyone needed to unfollow me or mute anything on the topic, but I couldn’t deny myself my own joy. What would be the point in waiting so long for this moment if I sabotaged it for myself? That would serve nobody. I was so grateful. AM so grateful. To act ungrateful out of some weird guilt would be stupid.

We had planned on not telling anyone until after my 12 week screening. We then wanted to tell the Little Mister, followed closely by our families. We wanted him to be the first to know.

Of course, things don’t always go to plan. When I had my bleeding/spotting scares, I had to call my mum to help me take care of the Little Mister so I could have extra tests. She was able to guess but her and my dad were awesome and not only kept it to themselves, but held back from congratulating us because they knew how I felt. I didn’t want that moment just yet – especially when I was so worried. Not long after that, we let our siblings and my parents in law know because fair’s fair. Everyone was instructed to not let on to the Little Mister. Once he knew, the whole world would!

When the day of my 12 week ultrasound arrived, I was a big ball of nerves. I knew that with that would come the news about whether we were at high risk of having a child with Down Syndrome or other abnormalities. I was so stressed about it. Even though the odds should have been low for us, I was still feeling panicky. Partly because of hormones making me anxious and partly because we’d just come from a fertility clinic where a lot of the patients are older and considered higher risk – it had been drummed into me somehow. Not to mention I was still trying to get past the whole “we can’t ever be that lucky” mentality.

The scan went well. The sonographer was lovely. We saw the baby moving a lot (A LOT!) and all the measurements looked good. It was fantastic to share that with Mr Unprepared who had been unable to see some of my more recent scans in person.

 

Afterwards, I was still a bit wound up and tense. I wanted my phone call. The phone call where the sonographer makes calculations based on the scan results and the blood test results and tells you if everything’s fine.

We were waiting in the school car park to pick the Little Mister up from school when the call came. It was amazing when she told us everything was looking fantastic. I could physically feel a weight lift off my shoulders. It was amazing. I finally felt actual, unrestrained joy.

When we got home, we told the Little Mister by presenting him with a T-shirt that said “Big Brother” in trendy font (as you do these days haha). He took an agonisingly long time to open his gift but his reaction when he realised what it all meant (with a little help sounding out the words) was so priceless. He was overjoyed. He had wanted a sibling for so, so long. He had even invented an imaginary brother and sister for at least the previous year (much to my horror and guilt)!

After that, we told our closest friends via message. It might have been nice to be able to do it in person, but we felt like we had waited so long and we couldn’t possibly cover enough ground. You have to understand my level of desperation at being able to live out of the shadows for the first time in a very very long time. I just wanted the news out there. Not just to be able to share the joy with so many amazing people who had supported us through the tough times and cheered us on, but to be able to live my life without being frustrated, secretive, paranoid or anxious. Finally.

Then came the public announcement…

Not the most artistic thing you’ve ever seen – I couldn’t get the colours right haha. But it made the right impact! Making social media announcements isn’t for everyone, but for us it worked. It got the message out there to as many people as possible. I knew now that I could live my life out in the open and it was a really important step in the healing/moving forward process for me. There was no going back. I had to make that clear to myself. This was real. Now everyone knew. Best get used to it and have some damn fun!

All of the overjoyed comments, the people who had goosebumps, sweaty eye balls and who had confessed to dancing in their kitchens at our news made us feel so amazingly loved and supported. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.