Tag: funny

Kez Gets Physical: Active Wear. When should we wear it?

So there’s this video going super viral at the moment. You might have seen it already. It’s funny. It’s clever…

I mean, I laughed! But the thing is, I have a confession. I wear active wear. I exercise in it – promise! But sometimes I wear it all day before I can get a work out in and I don’t give a damn who has a problem with that! I don’t mind having a laugh at myself about it either. What normal person sees that in their future? Haha.

Why do I wear it all day sometimes? Because hell, that’s what works for me. I am not going to compromise my motivation levels for anyone who can’t stand to see activewear on a human being for longer than the time it takes for them to work out. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

I tell myself that if I’m wearing it then I have to work out before the day is out. You know, so I’m not THAT person.

Also, I know that if I’m already wearing the stuff, I’m not going to tell myself that I can’t be bothered taking the time to get dressed for exercise when that time of day rolls around. Excuses be gone!!

So next time you see that chick who looks like she’s been wearing her gym gear all day, with no sign of a work out (YET), go easy on her. She might be me! She might be biding her time until her husband comes home from work or her kid is¬†in school or whatever the reason may be. It’s called efficiency, y’all and if I’m feeling pretty frickin’ comfy at the same time – why not?

So to answer the question I posed in this post’s title? When should we wear activewear? WHENEVER THE HELL WE NEED TO.

Feel free to laugh at/with me, because I am unapologetically wearing that stuff all day long if that’s what it takes to get me fit, mother f*cker!

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Do you wear activewear? Do you love it or loathe it? Can you actually really tell if another human being is wearing it for the right reasons just by looking at them? Isn’t that video hilarious?¬†

 

This is just a silly post, but I do send the message that you shouldn’t let other people’s stereotypes or judgements stop you from doing what is best for you x

Everyone’s a critic: If my home received a TripAdvisor* review.

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So I was recently researching some overnight accommodation for my Misters (the Little Mister and Mr Unprepared) and I, as we briefly considered spending a night in the city. It would have been partly for convenience (Mr Unprepared has a big early morning bike ride coming up) and also for a bit of family fun. A chance to get out of our usual little home life bubble. Why not, hey? Kind of a staycation. Sadly, this never eventuated (too complicated)…

But…the thing is, TripAdvisor does my head in. I wonder what the hell we did before we had this review system? We just *gasp* winged it?! Now, every hotel decision feels like life or death. WHAT? THEIR INTERNET ACCESS IS PATCHY? ONE PERSON FOUND DUST ON THE SIDE TABLE? That’s it. We can’t go there. I must look at five other places, crosscheck the features each room has, compare prices and analyse each review IN DEPTH. All perspective has been lost.

I have reviewed the reviews and while some people seem to have made well balanced comments, there are some pernickety people who I would NOT like for a houseguest. I wonder what their houses are like?

Which made me wonder what kind of honest reviews my house would get? *gulp*

Here’s what I think it might look like (and I’m being generous haha)…

Location 3.5 stars

Located within walking distance of both a beautiful estuary and the ocean. Quite a distance from restaurants and other fancy things. You’ll need a car to get around (the bus service is not exactly an all hours type deal), but there is a new little neighbourhood supermarket that the locals can’t stop raving about on account of having been deprived for so long of such a thing. The view from the front of the accommodation is pretty boring – facing onto other residential houses. You won’t get a good photo of the sunset ever, without feeling like you’re invading the neighbours’ privacy, but it is pretty to look at. Your instagram opportunities will be limited and this may bring frustration, because DAMN it REALLY IS A GOOD SUNSET. It’s really close to the highway, but it’s not too noisy.

Sleep Quality 2 stars

You’ll be sharing the accommodation with a cycling addict who rises early for both work and recreation, so you will feel very sleep deprived. You’ll also find that the child resident will on occasion make a noise early in the morning, often singing just one line from that viral ‘hit’ song What Does The Fox Say over and over (consider it your wake up call). Because you’re expected to assist in looking after said child during the day, you will find yourself lying awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason other than to worry about things you didn’t have time to worry about during the day or simply to get in some ‘thinking alone’ time. Don’t stay here if relaxation is what you’re after! Terrible!!

Also, rooms are very noisy during the day. I heard constant moans of, “I’m hungry! I need to do wees! WATCH THIS!”

Rooms & Cleanliness 1.5 stars

There are only two liveable bedrooms available (which you have to share with other residents). One is shoved full of stuff for storage (enter at own risk) and one has been turned into a makeshift study/ironing room (in terrible condition). The owner has apparently made plans to overhaul these rooms, but nothing substantial has been done about it. There is dust on some of the furniture, there are piles of clothes on the floor. When¬†asking the domestically challenged lady owner about this, the reply was, “What? That’s just my floordrobe. Don’t touch it. It’s a very highly organised system.”

Housekeeping seems to happen often, but the accommodation still looks very much like nothing was done almost immediately afterwards. I noticed a lot of crumbs underneath the couch. And on the couch. Also, under the dining table. What. The. Eff. On several occasions I was amazed to see the owners used their DOG to clean up the floor. WITH ITS MOUTH.

Self contained. Pantry well stocked with complimentary baking ingredients a lot of the time. The master bedroom has an ensuite, but when an early riser uses the shower, it wakes whoever was trying to sleep because there is no door separating the rooms.

There are TVs with access to a DVR stacked full of shows up to a year old because the owner never has time to watch anything. The internet is OK,¬†but on occasion becomes so slow you can’t even *gasp* watch Netflix!

Family friendly set up. Backyard. Play area. No-one is judging if your kids are cray cray.

Very ‘homely’ ‘lived in’ feel. We all know what that’s code for.

Service (either 5 stars for children or 1 star for adults)

If you are 3 years old, the service is fantastic all around the clock. If you are any older, you have to do everything yourself. You may be able to coerce one of the owners to do you a favour here or there, but you have to be really nice and it depends what mood they’re in (see above for sleep quality).

I don’t recommend the so called day spa. It consists of the owner just slapping some moisturiser on your face, painting your nails badly (only on sporadic weekend evenings) and then shoving you out because there’s no time for anything else. Well, I never!

The ‘gym’ is a treadmill shoved up into a corner of the master bedroom. The only upside of this is that if you fall off, you will land in bed.

The food menu is “Have what we make you or get it yourself” and depends on how close to pay day the owner is.

Value (hard to ascertain)

Children stay for free. Adults must contribute to mortgage, housekeeping and admin. It’s totes worth it if you have nowhere else to go. Basically, it’s like a working holiday.

The place has a lot of potential and once the owners find two seconds, it will be undergoing several improvements – woohoo!

 

Guess I’ll be staying here then! You know, because I live here.

Would you stay at my hotel house? What would a review of your place look like? Do you obsess over reviews when planning to stay somewhere? 

*I probably don’t need to say it, but this post is in no way associated with TripAdvisor.

Facts that you probably didn’t (need to) know about me.

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As you can see from my photo, I am verrrry mysterrrrrrious.

Actually, I was at a wedding and one of the favours was a pretty little Chinese fan. Shhhh.

*ahem*

Right now I am experiencing day 239 (at least it feels like it) of stir craziness, due to the non stop gift that keeps on giving, which is the Little Mister’s winter day care illnesses. Which is a little frustrating when blogging about your life usually involves having one in the first place!

So I thought I would just throw together a bunch of random facts about me. Because this is the one spot where everything can be all about me. ME ME ME! *exaggerated British accent* HOW DELIGHTFULLY SELF INDULGENT!

*maniacal laugh*

Yeah, I’m losing the plot…this is possibly a cry for help…

Let’s get started, shall we?

1. I don’t have ear lobes. For reals. My ears just taper in nice and neatly, fusing to the side of my head. It’s like nature’s finest welding job.

2. I once got a B+ for writing an essay about toilet paper. It was an advertising assignment in high school. I chose a TV ad about toilet paper, with the premise being that if you picked the wrong brand, you’d feel uncomfortable all day, picking out wedgies and scratching at your backside (possibly even in public – causing much embarrassment). I relished in describing the advertisement in fine detail. That summed up my high school experience. Working from within the rules to take the whole system down. Well, not quite, but it was satisfying. Yeah…I wasn’t probably as bad ass as I thought I was…moving on…

3. When I write lists on my blog, I always like them to be in multiples of 5.¬†I’m a little obsessed with that. We’ll see how I go today…

4. I never got to go on my year 1 excursion to the goat farm. I was devastated. I started the day by spewing into the bathtub. My mum (what a party pooper) called in sick for me. The next day everyone at school was talking about mohair and I had no idea what was going on. Tough times.

5. If you ever want to get me some wine (that’s a strong hint hahaha), you can’t go wrong with ANYTHING by Brown Brothers.¬†It’s the only one that I know for sure won’t make me feel sick right away.

6. While we’re talking hints as subtle as a brick to the head, if you ever feel like shouting me an international holiday, I would like to go to Hawaii please. It’s number one on my to-do travel list. Seriously. I have had two near misses where I could have maybe gone, but didn’t. The timing was off. Once was for a big conference for adopted people and another was a close friend’s wedding. Aargh!

7. When I was pregnant with the Little Mister, I craved fresh oranges. And cake. But mostly oranges. Must have needed the Vitamin C!

8. My favourite animals (besides dogs because I’m a dog person): Pygmy hippos, giraffes and pandas.¬†I mean, come on!

9. I am a closet Home and Away fan.¬†I watch it religiously. Sure, I laugh at the plot lines and I can see how ridiculous it can be, but I am addicted. I blame it on my parents because they didn’t like it when I was growing up. I have lost time to catch up on!

10. The very first cassette tape I owned (that wasn’t Patsy Biscoe – remember her – she was the Justine Clarke of my generation) was full of dance and hip hop hits from the very early 90s. I think Santa got it for me. It was pretty cool. I think Santa maybe didn’t look at the list of songs properly, because it had outrageous stuff like ‘Humpin’ Around’ and ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ and stuff on it. Oh ma!

So there you have it. Some facts about me. I had to dig pretty deep. Times are tough haha.

Now share some silly/obscure facts about yourself in the comments! x

I want one.

Last month, my brother went to Melbourne and I had to do some cat sitting for a few days (he was already cat sitting for my parents – so basically outsourcing his job – terrible). He told me that if I was so kind, he would bring me home a gift. It didn’t take me long to decide on what I wanted.

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It was perfect timing, really. This beautiful baby had just arrived at the Melbourne zoo! It’s like it was meant to be! I have always wanted a pygmy hippo. They’re so adorable. Hello, they’re like normal hippos but smaller! Like, they’re only 180-275kg when they’re fully grown! Tiny!

When I told my brother what I wanted from Melbourne, he started asking annoyingly practical questions.¬†But don’t worry, I had answers…

“Where the hell would you keep it?”

“Duh. In the bath.”

“It’s probably going to get too big for the bath. Where’s it going to run and play?”

“In the backyard with the dogs. Heidi [the grumpy heeler] probably won’t be impressed, but she’ll get used to it. And Blitz [ditzy labrador cross] will be so excited. They’d be BFFs. It would be like on those unlikely animal friends documentaries and it would be SO cute.”

“…”

So I’m pretty confident he brought me one home. I haven’t seen him yet to collect my gift but I’m so excited. As if it could be anything else!

I’ve wanted one for years, but Mr Unprepared has never pulled through for me. He just doesn’t get the appeal. I’ve dropped so many hints and pointed out pictures of the exact ones I’d like, but he just doesn’t seem to understand! Husbands!

I think they’re so cute, yet potentially dangerous. Like me. I feel like the pygmy hippo is my soul animal.

Also, they are not fighters by nature. They just ignore each other when they’re not impressed (according to Wikipedia). Which is totally how I feel about the internet sometimes.¬†My pygmy hippo could share my blog with me. He could write guest posts about life in the bathtub. I’d clean his teeth with a giant novelty toothbrush and tickle his adorable tiny ears. DON’T PYGMY HIPPOS HAVE THE CUTEST LITTLE EARS? I have cute little ears also. TWINNING!

Also, pygmy hippos spend about six hours a day foraging for food. JUST LIKE ME! It’s uncanny.

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At Christmas, he could wear a cute Santa hat and I’d serenade him with “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas”, which is incidentally my favourite Christmas song of all time (and very true to my life).

I’ve never seen a pygmy hippo’s smile before, but CAN YOU IMAGINE???

My brother is sooooooo generous. He must have paid a FORTUNE in excess baggage fees to ship my pygmy hippo over, and I’m sure he’s spending a LOT of time feeding him and cleaning up hippo poo, while he keeps him for me. Which I am sure is really small and doesn’t smell at all.

A small price to pay for having me look after the cats for less than a week. I bet he’s thinking it’s totally worth it. Because he’s the best brother ever.

Don’t worry, bro. I’ll take him off your hands soon. Can’t wait!

#blessed

Kez Gets Physical: Some weeks are better than others.

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I’m just gonna come straight out and admit that in the past week I have SUCKED at exercising. It started because the Little Mister was sick and I couldn’t get many moments to myself to do some great work outs. Then (of course), I started to fight off his cold too, which made me feel more drained and icky than usual. This did not do wonders for my motivational levels. Add a couple of later-than-usual dinner times (although it is not ideal I try to work out after an early dinner – the only time I can get to exercise daily) and a few bad work outs (endorphins – where the f*ck were you when I needed you?!?) and conditions have been a bit less than satisfactory.

And I never thought I’d say this, but sometimes the cold weather makes me not want to work out. Even though I work out indoors on my treadmill or to a video on YouTube. Lame Excuse Queen right here! I can’t help it! Cold weather makes me want to snuggle down. Not get my kit on and get sweaty. Which goes against logic. Because exercise warms you up.

I am also aware that at this stage of the game, it’s a make or break. This is the point where I make a choice. Give up because it’s hard to sustain new habits or push through. So I’m going to push through. A bad week does not justify me giving up.

I’m feeling a little frustrated because time to myself is at a premium lately. Moreso than usual, that is.

I’ve tried working out with the Little Mister in the room, but it is definitely more challenging!

I have just tried to eat better to compensate (my name is Kez and I haven’t bought any much junk food for like over a week) and I am going to come back stronger and more motivated than ever!

Until then, I will laugh about it because what can you do? It’s real mum life!

So I shall leave you with this video which made me giggle. This woman has nailed it. Behold the Real Mom Ab Workout.

Can you relate to the video? How do you motivate yourself when time is tight and children are everywhere?

Toddler talk.

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I have to be really honest and admit that BC (Before Child) I was really excited for the day I might have a toddler of my own, who just says the most ridiculous stuff. I dreamed of a child that would be my favourite comedy show, day in and day out. I imagined a life where I would be all, “HA HA HA. I CAN’T BELIEVE HE/SHE JUST SAID THAT. HILARIOUS!” every five seconds.

Of course, I probably had quite the rose tinted visions of my future (that didn’t include tantrums over the most weird things or toilet training or me being interrupted EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I SPEAK), but generally speaking, the Little Mister has not¬†really disappointed me with his chatty ways. Even some of the infuriating stuff can seem pretty funny in hindsight.

Some days, it’s all about the “What’s this?” (the pre-cursor to “why” I’m told). It’s constant. And it’s always stuff that he knows.

“YES, LITTLE MISTER. THAT IS A COUCH. THAT IS A DOG. THIS IS A BOOK. THAT IS YOUR NOSE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??”

Of course, I don’t really say that. I put on my ‘patient mummy’ voice and say, “Hmm. What do you think it is?”

Aargh.

“I don’t like…”¬†is often uttered in regards to all of the Little Mister’s favourite foods for absolutely no reason at all, with no predictability whatsoever. Usually at the worst time. I think what he means is that he doesn’t feel like that thing right in that moment, but it’s still really irritating! Why you gots to be so difficult, child?

“Don’t know.”¬†Said with the tone of a belligerent teen. An answer for every question he’s too lazy to answer properly. I asked Mr Unprepared where he was getting this annoying phrase from and he answered… *wait for it*…

“Don’t know.”

*eye rolls*¬†He says his reply was a joke, but I’m not buying it, just quietly!

“Bleeeeergh.” This covers everything from foods he doesn’t like, to the idea of getting a kiss on the cheek. I am waiting for the day he says it to a stranger for a really inappropriate reason. In public.¬†

The Little Mister also comes out with some very random things. He never fails to take me by surprise. These things are usually wildly out of any kind of understandable context and completely irrelevant to whatever is being done or talked about in that moment.

“I have bones. You have bones too, Mummy. And Daddy has bones. Everybody in the world has bones!”¬†He has a point.

I’m doing yoga¬†(pronounced ‘oga’),” as he does a very convincing downward dog, making me wonder if he is actually my child.

“Mummy, you don’t have a willy.”¬†I want to give him the correct terminology for my lady parts (and I have subtly done so) but I cringe at the idea of him yelling about them to everybody in the middle of the supermarket. We all know that moment is coming. It’s just a matter of ‘when’.

And at other times, “Daddy! YOU HAVE A WILLY! AND I HAVE A WILLY!”¬†in a tone quite similar to Oprah giving away cars. Like everybody wins because they have willies.

“I want a sandwich cut in two halves, but NO BREAD.”¬†
Um OK. I asked him, “How can you have a sandwich with no bread?”
He shrugged and chuckled, “Don’t know!”

Of course.

Sporadically asking for porridge and then not eating it.¬†Every few weeks, the Little Mister will suddenly, unpredictably, ask for porridge for breakfast. He’ll be all excited. He will even retrieve the oats from the cupboard for me (or Mr Unprepared) with the joy of a child on Christmas day. The porridge will be made, then served. He will then show absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. Just walks away without a word. Like it never happened. So we wait another few weeks for the next surprise porridge demand.

When the Little Mister was about 18 months old, he was adorable. WAS. I remember clearly, heading over to Tasmania to celebrate the life of my grandfather who we had just lost to dementia. The Little Mister couldn’t speak very much back then (although he gave it his best efforts anyway), but he would just burst into the sweetest little baby voiced “Row row row…” and the rest of the family would sing Row Row Row Your Boat along with him. It brought him so much joy to initiate a family singalong and it was even more touching when we all realised it had been my grandfather’s favourite song. It’s like he knew. I mean, AWWWWWW.

Now?

“SING THE ROW BOAT SONG, DADDY!”

“Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.”

“HAHAHA – BUTT! BUTT! YOU SAID BUTT, DADDY!”

Cue hysterical giggles.

Sigh.

He also makes up songs about poo. The only lyric is the word ‘poo’.

Yesterday (at around 6pm – other parents know what that means), I was trying to explain something or other to Mr Unprepared. Every time I opened my mouth, the Little Mister would run around and yell at the top of his lungs, “EMERGENCY!! EMERGENCY!!”¬†

I’d try again (one word in)…“EMERGENCY!!! EMERGENCY!!!” *maniacal toddler laughter*

Another attempt, “EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EMERGENCY!!!”

And one more time because I’m an idiot, “EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!! EMERGENCY!! HA HA HA HA HA!”

Before I could open my mouth a fourth time, the Little Mister looked at me and said in an amused tone, bordering on patronising, “Oh, Mummy. You’re trying to say words.”

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And there’s so much more toddler gold where that came from.

What’s the darndest thing your kid has have ever said? Did you ever embarrass your parents? (seriously I¬†love these stories)