Tag: crazy kez

A messy girl’s guide to cleaning up your side of the bathroom.

I know this will shock you, but I am not a domestic goddess. And by ‘shock you’ I mean, ‘probably not going to surprise you in the slightest if you even vaguely know me’.

I have a very busy brain and I can lose focus easily. Sometimes this means that my organisation skills suffer a lot little. I’ve had years of practice being me, so I have overcome a lot of these issues by planning better and making things easier for myself in life in general, but things do slip through the cracks. Especially when I’ve been out of my mind busy. Which is very different to being ‘got your shit together’ busy. Ha!

Lately, my side of the bathroom vanity was left to suffer. I’d been rushing around a lot – doing my make-up and then running without time to tidy up after myself. I’d dumped my stuff there rather unceremoniously after we got back from our recent trip to NSW and never really sorted it out. It was a f*cking dumpsite. Very embarrassing. I have photographic proof…

It looks like something from a hoarder’s house. Or one of those ‘rental tenants from hell’ pieces on a current affairs show. And quite honestly, I thought I’d removed any truly embarrassing items from view before taking the ‘before’ photo, but I clearly missed the tiny end of a tampon wrapper. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I’m posting this. Just #keepingitreal I guess!

Also, I should note that the martini glass was not used for drinking martinis out of and then abandoned (geez – I’m not an animal). Once upon a time, I had used it as a ‘trendy’ earring holder because I saw it on Pinterest like a bajillion years ago. You can see how well that went.

Anyway, I have redeemed myself. And it only took me probably less than an hour once I’d picked up a couple of basic things from Kmart (last of the big spenders).

Here is the ‘after’ picture (to help you recover from the awful ‘before’ picture):

I am not a perfect stylist (white flecks on the counter damn it) but I think I did OK! Mr Unprepared will be stoked haha (we have that stereotypical situation where his side is all minimalistic and tidy and mine is ALWAYS a mess).

Here’s what I’ve learned…

STOP KEEPING ALL THAT SHIT YOU NEVER USE.

I cannot stress this enough. I had make up items that I knew were the wrong shade for me, did not do my skin/lips any favours (i.e. dried everything out etc), or were so old that I could vaguely remember purchasing them before my son was born!!!

I had accessories that had once been really trendy but were now decidedly daggy and hadn’t been worn since forever. There was  cheap jewellery that had discoloured or gotten tangled up beyond recognition. Odd earrings. WTF.

What freaks me out is that this stuff had actually survived multiple clean outs! I do not know what I was thinking. If you think you’ll use it one day, but those days have turned into years, it’s got to go!!

I am going to be far more mindful of what I purchase from now on. I was never a frivolous spender, but I think sometimes when you’re trying to learn about make up or what works for you, mistakes can be made. It’s all trial and error. I think I’ll learn to gift it to someone else when appropriate or just admit that it’s never going to work for me and throw it away!

Be brutal. You can find info on how long is too long to keep certain cosmetics if you do a little internet research too. Helps to have a little reality check.

Put the ‘sometimes’ items away in a caddy for easy access.

I bought a nice open caddy style container (fitting with the theme of the above containers in the ‘after’ pic) to fit all the things that aren’t used daily, but that I go to regularly. Things like extra hair ties (I’m usually a hair down kind of gal but I do up my hair around the house when working out or on hot days), bobby pins, hair removal products (haha), face masks, eye shadow pallets that only come out on special occasions and the like. Everything’s together and easy to grab now. YES.

It’s also great that this stuff is no longer cluttering up my counter space. AWESOME SAUCE.

Group ‘like’ things together so they’re easy to find.

I know you’re thinking, DUH. THIS STUFF IS SO OBVIOUS. But I really hadn’t put any of it into practice before. That’s the key – who knew that actually doing it is just as important as thinking about it haha.

I put all the make up brushes together in one tumbler thingy. I put eye, brow and lip pencils etc in another. I put lipsticks/glosses in a make up stand so I can see them easily. Skin stuff in another container. And so on.

I think this will save me so much time trying to find my every day items. It will also make it easier to tidy up afterwards. It will take me the same amount of time to tidy them up as it would have to throw them down on the bench in a rush.

Now if only I had some sort of inbuilt motivation to clean my brushes as often as I should!

Bring the space to life. 

I’ve been working on activating ‘dead’ spaces around my home. I want every part of my house to feel alive and inviting. I have a long way to go, but I’ve been slowly working on it for a while now. I think that some of the more utilitarian type spaces of the house tend to get forgotten around here and they can end up making you feel flat and unexcited when you have to spend time in those areas and then they start to look progressively shabbier.

I bought me some cheapy fake succulents in cool geometric vase thingies and put them on a shelf that is usually strewn with clutter. Voila! Suddenly, I feel a teensy bit more house proud and happy when I look at them. They also serve the purpose of stopping me from mindlessly cluttering up the shelf from now on. It was a real problem spot!

Be on the look out for inspiration.

I love to get ideas from Pinterest and Instagram when I am not sure where to get started. I saw so many great ideas to draw inspiration from before I purchased some of my storage stuff for the ensuite. With so many on-trend items available at affordable prices these days (as well as great online tutorials on how to do it yourself if you’re crafty), it can be really easy to recreate your favourite looks/ideas. Just be sure to update things every now and then *cough* martini glass *cough*


So, tell me.

How’s your bathroom counter looking?

Got any amazingly spectacular/terribly awful pics to share with me? 

The selfie struggle.

Oh, yes. It’s a real first world problem, this one!

Lately, I’ve been scrolling through my Instagram posts and asking myself what I can do to make my account look a bit more appealing. Am I showing a great variety of moments from my every day life? Am I getting better at telling the stories behind the photos (and not just posting something with very little captioning that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me)? Does my profile look colourful and is it something that would make me want to delve further if I wasn’t me?

I think I’m doing OK-ish, by my small fish standards, considering I started off with sometimes only 2 likes on my very first photos and now I can get dozen/s (I told you – small fish haha). There is definitely room for improvement and I know I am my own worst critic too.

One thing I noticed that my profile is missing is more photos of me! I know that when I scroll through someone’s Instagram account, I like to see the person behind the profile – it helps me to connect with their content. Makes me feel like I know them (even though I don’t – they could be serial killers for all I know – hahaha). As I am no longer a semi-anonymous blogger, I know that I need to start showing more of myself. Let the people who find me, get to know me better.

I don’t take many photos of my son (I made a decision early on in the piece to not fully reveal his face or identity publicly online) and my dogs only know a couple of poses: “THROW MY DAMN TOY” or “BLURRY AS F*CK”. My husband is a bit social media shy. I feel awkward asking to take pics of/with my friends for public consumption unless they are bloggers too. So that leaves me most of the time. I’ve got nobody else to fall back on ?

I also need to point out that I am concerned that I have a misshapen head and I do not have a reliable Instagram spouse (and admittedly I’m picky and I feel bad bossing someone around), nor fancy equipment to help me take consistently good selfies/photos of myself.

And even if I did, I would curl up and die of embarrassment if people saw me trying to get it right in fantastic public spaces, like all the really cool bloggers do. Because we all know it can take like 50 shots to get one good one (or at least that’s true for me and my misshapen head/face)!

*awkward too loud laugh*

Also, I hate the stigma attached to the ‘selfie’ phenomena. Sure, if you’re doing a Kim K and ignoring all of your life to get constant good shotz (yes I used the ‘z’ ironically) then you may deserve a little bit of an eye roll from everyone around you, but what if you just want a couple of nice shots to prove to yourself that you were actually out on a nice day or to capture your life because nobody else will? I get frightened of people laughing at me trying to get the right angle and making that embarrassing selfie face which usually doesn’t look anything like the person’s actual candid face.

It’s always a bloody relief when I find myself out with fellow iPhone photo obsessed peeps who don’t mind taking lots of pics of everything and understand when I want to as well!

Also, I know I’m getting a bit deep here, but I think I lack confidence and do not accept my face/head etc as they are. I want to get more body (‘face’?) positive.

Some of my favourite pics of my friends are the real ones. Where they haven’t given a shit and they’ve just gone for it and had fun. I want to be more like that.

Anyway, here’s a selfie I took at a wedding recently. I liked my make up that night and felt pretty – I’d put in a lot of effort and it was a big deal because I hadn’t been out in the real world for a little while. The lighting is bad because it was night time and the quality is bad because I used Snapchat, but I’m glad I took it.

I’m going to try to take more selfies and care less what other people think while I’m looking like a dickhead pointing a camera at myself.

Anyone got any great tips on iPhone camera settings/angles/best sides/tricking people into helping you??

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak? 

 

My pet(ty) peeves.

Ha. I guess this will kind of be like an anti-Happy List (you know how I sometimes write a list of the stuff that has made me happy?)! Because while I am a pretty positive person who usually knows how to pick my battles, sometimes stuff shits me too. And I’m not talking about the big stuff. I’m talking about dumb, smallish stuff. The petty stuff. I figure why not write it down and see if anyone relates (and we can all have a giggle over it).

So here’s the stuff that shits me…

When coat hangers get tangled

Like I will literally feel a rage build up inside me. Even when I have all my coat hangers the same as each other, to reduce this situation, it still happens. And it makes me mad. I have been known to make an exaggerated “GAH” noise and throw all the hangers onto the ground and walk off. I’m not proud ?

When I’m trying to find a particular black item of clothing and it’s surrounded by other black items of clothing. 

Everything looks the same and it feels like I’m walking into a room blindfolded and nothing makes sense for a moment and I get so mad because it shouldn’t be this hard! Whether it’s in my wardrobe or floordrobe or in a suitcase, I get very messed up about it. It’s like all the black is fucking with my senses.

When drivers don’t know how to merge into one lane. 

Like a zipper people. Like a zipper. Seriously!

Also worth a mention are people who don’t know how to indicate correctly on round-a-bouts. OMFG. Or the people who park too far over in their car park space and it throws everyone else out.

When people try to trick me into buying their party plan stuff. 

I’m not talking about the cool chicks who are honest and up front and genuinely think their product might help me in a specific situation, and also know when to let it go because they realise I’m a) broke or b) bored. You guys are cool. You’re doing your thing. Trying to help along your income. I get it. I’ll call you when I need something and I remember that you’re doing that thing!

I am talking about people who say innocuous sounding things (with no mention of their party plans at all), “Let’s catch up!” or “I’m having friends over for wine and nibbles – we can have a pamper night” or “I’m starting a support group for people who want to be healthy/good parents/better at styling their homes – want to come?” And before you know it, you’re at a frickin’ party and you’re supposed to buy something. Or you start out talking about something completely different at coffee, but then you find out that you’re not there for friendship. You’re there to help further their business. That’s called being hoodwinked! It’s bullshit!

When there’s grit in my veggies

Like for example – broccoli. Like, I get it. It means it’s fresh out of the ground and it’s supposed to be a sign that it hasn’t been chemically sprayed or cleaned as much as the broccoli that is immaculate. At least that’s the myth I believe. But the thing is, it’s just a fucking dirty vegetable that refuses to get clean and I don’t want to be scrubbing it for like 6 hours just so I can make dinner. Do you know what gritty broccoli tastes like when you missed some grit in the cleaning process?! Dirt. Crunchy dirt. It makes my teeth/head feel funny and it messes me up emotionally.

Not. Cool.


Ha. So there you have some of them. My pet(ty) peeves. Is that where ‘pet’ comes from in that expression? The word ‘petty’? Maybe my parentheses are redundant. If so, I apologise to those whose pet peeve is when people don’t understand the meaning of ‘pet peeve’.

What are your pet peeves? 

The longest winter.

I am cold. I am tired. I am getting really GRUMPY.

Usually, winter makes me feel sluggish and ‘down’ at worst. But now I’m starting to feel some kind of rage. Like I am actually mad that this is still happening. Like every chilly breeze that hits me through my supposedly warm layers of clothing is a personal insult and I am not coping! I obviously could not survive in a colder climate.

giphy-39

I know spring never usually kicks in properly until October, but OMG I am so done. This past winter has been colder than usual and it started in April, I swear. Not cool, nature, not cool! Actually, too cool.

Is it too much to ask for just 2 days in a row of reliable sunshine ever? Is it too much to ask for a few days in a row without rain? Even just some blue sky. BLUE SKY. PLEASE. GRRRR.

And could our night time minimum temperatures just be above 10 degrees Celsius? Could our day time temperatures reach anywhere above 20 degrees on the regular? Seriously. I’m not asking much.

giphy-38

I crave the type of weather where I can dress for the day with confidence that I will be comfortable. Not have to account for several layers of warmth, worry about whether I need an umbrella or rainproof clothing, overthink my footwear choices, check the weather forecast every freakin’ day.

I am sick of being scared of the shade. Because the shade is fucking freezing. Anything under cover might be dry, but then you freeze. Not. Fair.

I miss incidental exercise. Taking the Little Mister out for a bike ride, walking to the corner shops regularly, taking the dogs down to the beach (we often still do that through the winter but right now I am TOO MAD). The stuff I can do when I can’t get alone time to spend on my treadmill.

I am sick of everyone being sick. It’s been the worst winter on record in my little family and I am so done! FUCK OFF, GERMS!

I keep praying that I’ll look at the 7 day weather forecast and see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, but it never ends! THIS WINTER NEVER ENDS.

giphy-37

Worst part is, it’s probably going to be a sudden summer (you know – to make up for lost time) and we’ll all be sweltering overnight and feeling really ripped off that we didn’t get an enjoyable spring.

Every season has its positives, but every season has to come to an end before I end up in a straitjacket somewhere. Seriously.

giphy-36

Are your moods also affected by the weather? Have a guilt free rant in the comments section if you like! 

Awkwardly Unprepared: Accidental FaceTime.

pexels-photo-large-7_Fotor

Sometimes I do awkward things. I am always embarrassing myself. Just in really little ways. Like that one time you think nobody saw you drop food on yourself at a classy place but they totally did see. Or when you accidentally say, “Good thanks,” when someone says “Good morning!” Or when someone says, “Happy Birthday” to you on your birthday, and you say, “You too” even though it’s not their birthday. That kind of stuff.

Yesterday, I outdid myself.

I made an accidental FaceTime call.

No. I was not naked at the time, thank goodness. But it was awkward.

I was at a school carnival event for the Little Mister. I’d been watching him and his little classmates having an absolute ball inside a very cool bouncy castle. It was hilarious and I had the camera on my iPhone all ready to go for good photo opportunities. I had been trying to share the day with Mr Unprepared who hates missing these things for work.

At some point I glanced down at my phone and that little green tab at the top indicated that a call was in progress, but I had no idea who I had accidentally dialled. I thought logically, maybe my mum or Mr Unprepared. Either way, it didn’t really matter. I figured there was nothing I’d said or heard during that time that wouldn’t indicate an accidental call. In other words I figured I hadn’t embarrassed myself and could just hang up.

So I opened the call, only to see a blank screen (with my face in the upper corner) and OMFG it was a FACETIME call. I couldn’t immediately tell who I’d rung because I think the phone must have temporarily frozen. I was frantically tapping away at my screen, trying to figure out a) who I’d called and b) how to end it before anyone got embarrassed. I thought FML this person is seeing about 50 chins at this angle right now – this is not good!

There was absolutely no way to hang up for a few seconds (trust me – I tried every option short of smashing my phone with a rock), and then the receiver of my call’s face flashed up nice and big on my phone screen.

Guess who it was?

MY GYNO.

Yes. That guy. The one who has to get all up in my lady business quite regularly. The kind of professional person who you don’t just call on his mobile unless it’s really important.

That guy.

I was in shock and there were kids screaming everywhere. I couldn’t hear him and I was just staring back at him and I tried to say loudly, “I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN TO CALL YOU. MUST BE A WRONG NUMBER. BYEEEE!”

But I couldn’t tell if he could hear me! And he was still there trying to smile politely at me and figure out what the hell was happening! So what did I do? I tried to hang up! But as I tapped the screen in panic, the red hanging up symbol thingy wouldn’t appear! I was stuck in this call and he was still looking at me! And so just like anyone would do in that situation (and by anyone I mean nobody but me), I waved at him awkwardly.

I waved.

A few seconds later I ended the call. I looked around and I was relieved that the world was still spinning and nobody was aware of the incident. But slightly annoyed that I hadn’t been swallowed up into the depths of the school oval.

I really want to believe that my doctor will have forgotten that the incident happened before I see him next (probably in a couple of weeks damn it). REALLY WANT TO BELIEVE HE’S FORGOTTEN.

What are the odds, though? Of him forgetting, I mean?

But also what are the odds of his number being the one number I FaceTime dialled?? I hadn’t called or messaged his mobile in a long time and he wasn’t logically the first or even the 10th person I’d easily butt dial by default (not that I am a habitual butt dialler thank goodness). I mean, geez!

I think ANYONE ELSE in my contacts list – LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE – would have been less awkward.

Mr Unprepared said I should have just texted him right away after and said something along the lines of, “Oops! I accidentally dialled your number while at a school function for my son! Sorry for the confusion. Have a nice day!”

But I didn’t. Because mortified. And I regret not thinking faster – now it’s too late! God damn it.

Have you ever had an awkward phone moment? Texted the wrong person? FaceTimed someone inappropriately? Left an awkward message? I really need to know!

 

 

You can FIND MORE INEVITABLY awkward happenings on Snapchat

snapcodes

KEZUNPREPARED

How (NOT) to pack a suitcase.

The countdown is on. In 3 sleeps (I count everything in ‘sleeps’ because I have a four year old and to be honest I am kind of immature when it comes to EXCITING THINGS anyhow), I am going to be on my way to Sydney for what has accidentally become my annual birthday getaway (this being only the second time)! I will be travelling with my parents (who practically live there anyway), sleeping on the fold out couch and shopping, socialising, drinking and eating.

Woohoo!

I am going for what will essentially be a long weekend. I can’t wait. It’s not long enough away that I start to feel guilty, but it’s long enough (and far enough away) that I can forget a bunch of responsibilities and just relax/have fun as an individual entity. YES!

This morning my mum called me and asked, “So, are you all packed for Sydney yet?”

And we laughed and laughed. Oh, how we laughed.

Because it’s me we’re talking about. I mean, come on. Packing is not my forte. I am neither organised nor timely.

It always works out in the end, though. Right? Kind of?

I thought I’d put together some tips so you too can be as awful at packing as I am…

Enjoy!

  1. Pack at the last minute. I mean it. Put it off for as long as you can. Become distracted by ‘life’. And by ‘life’, I mean the internet and agreeing to countless social interactions that steal away the time that you could be packing. I’m serious. Fill those little moments of ‘free’ time and pack them tight with other shit to do. Before you know it you’ll be packing in a panicked frenzy at some weird hour the night before. Because people in a panicked frenzy know how to GSD (Get Shit Done).
  2. Realise that you need to wash all of the clothes you might bring, because right now they’re just lying unwashed in your floordrobe (because domestic goddess – obvs). Pray that everything will dry before your flight leaves. Also pray that the mental list you’ve made of the stuff you’ve washed and need to pack won’t fail you when you’re in the aforementioned panicked frenzy.
  3. Put absolutely everything you could ever possibly need in your suitcase. I mean it. EVERYTHING. Umbrellas, raincoats, summer clothes, winter clothes, activewear, swimming gear, a beach towel, clothes you can wear when you feel fat, clothes you can wear when you’re feeling skinny, party dresses, 10 times more of the daggy underwear that you actually need because who knows what could happen (seriously – WTF), every pair of shoes. You get the idea. I mean, while you’re away you just never know. You might need that dress you haven’t even worn in 3 years.
  4. Take a few things out. At some point, you’ll realise you are being ridiculous and you’ll start to google the airline’s baggage weight limit. So you’ll take out a few things. You know, so you can close the suitcase. Sure, you’re only going for a weekend. But it’s always good to be prepared. Like I said; anything could happen! Remember NOT to leave room to bring home any stuff you buy while you’re away. That’s what the fucking unzippable suitcase expander is for, people. Keep up.
  5. Don’t ever nail the packing of your toiletries. Where’s the fun in that? The whole point of going away is so that you feel a sense of adventure and fun. If you replicate your exact toiletry products/routines from home, then you’re just not living. Try to get out of your comfort zone. Forget your razor so by the time you realise you have super hairy legs, it’s after hours in a city you haven’t been in for a while. Because you don’t have your own transport, you’ll need your parents (yes – you are a grown person) to drive you around in their rental car until you find what you need at a dodgy 7/11 kind of place. You could also mix things up a bit by packing two bottles of conditioner, instead of one shampoo bottle and one conditioner like a normal person. You should use the tiny bottle of shampoo at the hotel. Ration that stuff out for like 4 days. It will feel like you’re Bear Grylls in the wild, surviving off whatever you can find. SENSE OF ADVENTURE.

If anything, these adult fails will give you a sense of childlike escape from all that awaits you at home when you get back in a few days. I’m doing you a favour.

Is anyone else out there as good bad at packing as I am? Do you love it or hate it? Have you ever had an epic packing fail? 

True crime obsession confession.

OK, so I wanted to title this post Netflix and Kill, because I thought I was really funny and original. But alas, google (and my gut feeling) just told me that this is not the case. In fact, Urban Dictionary describes ‘Netflix and kill’ as, “Going over to someone’s house while they are watching Netflix and killing them.”

Which is creepy. And now I’ve googled it twice to give you that definition, so if anything happens to anyone while they’re watching Netflix today, I am going to be a suspect.

Anywaaaaay…now that I’ve rambled about why my blog post title is not more witty, I’ll get to the point.

I love true crime stories.

OK, so love is probably the wrong word. But I am obsessed and fascinated. Which is probably what they say about people after they’re found guilty of horrendous crimes haha.

That ‘haha’ was a nervous one. I’m innocent!

I do love that Netflix has a whole lot of series about true crime on it. And I also love that a lot of them are kind of dated. Like they have clunky theme music and bad 90s fashion. And the voiceovers are really hilariously dramatic, using awful murder related puns.

A lot of these shows often feature re-enactments. Which add a certain creep factor to them, but also involve a lot of bad wigs and probably a lot of badly paid actors. Sometimes when the actors are trying to play dead, while wearing ghastly ‘I’ve just been pretend murdered’ make up, they move a lot.

I don’t know what exactly draws me to this stuff, but I’ve always been fascinated by the mind and by how society works as a whole – our attitudes, how we view the justice system, why people behave the way they do – their mental states/conditions. What could motivate people to do such awful things – things a ‘normal’, well adjusted person would never in a million years be able to find it in themselves to do. Like how do people get to that place where such crimes seem like a reasonable solution to their problems??

I used to read true crime books a lot, but I find that harder to do since having a child. Firstly, it’s hard enough trying to find time to read a book uninterrupted around here, and secondly, I find a book a bit too all consuming and creepy – it’s just you sitting in the quiet with nothing but morbid stories and your imagination. If the crimes involve children, I am out. I have definitely softened (not a bad thing) since having the Little Mister! I just can’t even go some places in my mind anymore.

Which brings me to the fact that I make up the most ridiculous rules for myself when viewing these kinds of things on TV, because hilariously, I am actually a very easily creeped out person.

Kez’s never before shared rules (because embarrassing) for watching true crime shows:

  1. Watch these shows while doing something else. I might be doing housework (home alone of course – impressionable child and what not), catching up on filing/scanning at work (I work pretty much alone so I’ll mostly just listen to it like it’s a podcast), sitting down with my laptop open – catching up on the day’s internet. That way, I figure I am not too absorbed or invested in a horrible crime story, and can easily glance away or distract myself if some of the facts or photos/footage gets a bit too disturbing. I feel like I’m only half poisoning my brain with awful stuff. You know, as opposed to going with a full metaphorical poisoning. Because science. OK, so not science. Just my weird rationalisation that doesn’t make sense haha.
  2. Only watch stories on cases that have been resolved. I cannot watch any story that is still an unsolved mystery to this day, or where the unknown offender is still in action. Because creepy. And scary. Same goes for if the murderer/offender is still walking free in society or the justice system failed miserably in their case. Even worse if it’s happened in Australia. Because I live in Australia and holy shit I can’t handle it. Only exceptions I can make are for the Serial podcast (season 1) and maaaaaybe I could be swayed to watch How to Make a Murderer (although I think I would find it far too frustrating).
  3. Never fall asleep with a true crime doco on. I can’t do it. I am a very sensitive dreamer. I don’t want to dream about that shit. If I do, I will literally freak out in the middle of the night, have to turn on every light in my bedroom, and freak out about negative energy invading my sanctuary. So instead, I cleanse with a comedy. I do a comedy cleanse. I watch something hilarious and harmless, with lots of bright colours and daylight in it. Works like a charm.

In a nutshell I know way too much about serial killers for someone who is not  a serial killer, or in charge of catching them (but ignorant enough of the full horror that I can sleep at night – let’s be honest).

Also, sometimes when I have PMS I like to watch documentaries on ladies who kill (I recommend Deadly Women on Netflix) and pretend I’m taking notes, just to freak people out. By people, I mean my husband. And to be honest, he only really rolls his eyes and asks how I can watch that crap.

Sooo…is anyone freaked out by this knowledge about me? Or are you a fellow true crime obsessed freak? And by freak, I mean not truly a creepy freak, but like a well adjusted, slightly weird freak like myself. Because if you’re truly a creepy freak, I won’t sleep for days knowing you’re out there. OMG.

AND NOW I’VE GONE AND SCARED MYSELF. PUT A COMEDY ON AND CALM DOWN, KEZ. OH SHIT OH SHIT.

?

What is this? A handbag for ants?

When the Little Mister was born, my handbag situation got ridiculous. Every day, a trip to the shops was like moving houses. An overnight stay somewhere took the same preparation time as that of a month long overseas holiday. There was a pram, nappy bag, my handbag…actually, scratch that. For a while, my nappy bag was also my handbag. Because babies don’t give a damn about style. They just need bottles, wipes, mashed up baby food goo, nappies, nappy rash cream, spare outfits (because poop tsunamis), teething toys, bibs blah blah. You name it, I had it in my bag. I was awesomely over-prepared (yet it never felt like it).

When the Little Mister reached toddlerhood, I managed to get away with carrying just one massive handbag (it was a way of fooling myself into thinking that nobody would be able to tell it was a total ‘mum’ bag – not sure it fooled anyone). That habit has truly stuck. I win all of those silly baby shower/kitchen tea party games – you know the ones where you get points for every ridiculous thing you find in your handbag? Yep. I am a freakin’ champ. I will come to your baby shower and fuck shit up. Woo. Last time I won, it was because I had a toy Hot Wheels car and an odd sock in there.

I am that uncoordinated jerk filling up the aisles on aeroplanes with my massive jerk bag. I am the idiot who bangs her handbag into people at the shops. Mostly accidentally of course. In my defence, some people just walk right into it. I guess they just can’t handle someone with that much swag bag. I am always being told, “WATCH OUT” by the people I’m with, because if anyone’s going to turn around suddenly, swiping several fragile things off a shop shelf…I’m your guy.

(PS Kate Hill does some awesome ones if you’re in that awkward toddler phase BTW – you’re welcome – you too can be a jerk with a big jerk bag but it will be a pretty jerk bag)

So anyhoo…with the Little Mister starting kindy this month, I thought I deserved a little treat. Key word: little. Because now I’m going to spend more days getting out and about without him than with him – which is a little bit bittersweet if you ask me but let’s move on without being a sentimental fool for once, Kez – that means I don’t have to carry so much crap. YESSSSS.

I found this beauty. She was on sale ($30 WHAT?!). She was much smaller than the big arsed bag I’ve been lugging about. She was a pretty colour. She had zips and pockets in all the right places.

IMG_8828

Yep. People have ‘first day of school’ photos. I have a photo to commemorate my first smallish handbag. OK, so maybe I have a ton of first day of school photos too, but shhhhh. I’m having a moment.

I feel like this milestone is completely underrated.

I took my new bag with me to school drop off and the shops today. It was fantastic. It tucked so nicely under my arm. My shoulder didn’t want to dislocate itself from the weight. Sure, it will take some getting used to. I mean, it’s really weird being able to find stuff in there right away. And it does feel like a little handbag for tiny ants.

I feel like someone’s going to yell out, “OH LOOK. WHAT’S WITH THAT LADY’S TEENSY TINY HANDBAG. IT LOOKS LIKE A DOLL’S HANDBAG. THAT HANDBAG IS TOO SMALL FOR HUMANS.”

But the truth is, it’s really just a normal sized handbag. You know? The type that normal women use every day without incident?

It’s liberating. Let me illustrate how it feels, with the use of a Nicolas Cage gif.

nicolas_cage_breeze.0

So tell me.

How big is your handbag? What’s the weirdest thing in it, right now

Inside the brain of a parent who wants to run away to the circus.

Seriously. Right now I am feeling the fatigue of being the parent to a 4 year old who is testing boundaries and going through big life changes which bring about new anxieties. This can often mean some acting out or regressive behaviours. I am a pretty compassionate being, a fairly patient parent and of course I love the little ratbag to pieces, but I’d be lying if I said that right now I am not considering googling the nearest touring circuses to see if they’d like a new clown (I can do the ‘bumbling idiot’ routine quite well when I’m tired – I’d be an asset). I figure a circus would be less crazy, right?

It’s not very often that I feel so utterly over it. It takes a lot for me to crack and feel utterly helpless and burnt out while my child goes through a challenging new phase. But when I do, there are some very recognisable thoughts that appear in my scattered head!

I have realised that there are stages I go through whenever something tough, of the parenting variety, pops up and punches me in the throat.

Denial

Denial that it’s happening. No. It’s just a one off bad night (or insert other challenges here). Oh, two? Just two. Oh, maybe it’s just a rough week…there are many plausible explanations that this could be a fairly isolated incident…right?

Anger/frustration

OH FFS. Are we STILL dealing with this? Aargh. Will this never end? I AM SO DAMN TIRED. Get your act together, kid! I don’t even feel like I know you right now! I love you lots and lots and lots, but right now I am not sure I’m liking you and that is killing me!

(of course I don’t say it to him – I just scream it inside my head when he’s not looking)

Bargaining

I know I can make this better. I just know I can. Here’s every reward chart ever. Here’s me googling solutions at 2am. Here’s me begging and hoping and fighting the reality that it’s just a phase and that the only way is through. THROUGH? AS IF. I can totally get around this. I can fix this. Just give me a damn moment to fix this! WHERE IS MY SANITY?!

Acceptance

OK. So now I’ve had my little melt down during the bargaining stage, I have had some time to review. I have decided that I can in fact CTFD (Calm The Fuck Down) and perhaps accept that it is what it is, and fighting it is just going to turn me into a crazy lady. I can only do my best and it turns out that ‘through’ may really be the only choice I have.

It’s amazing how life never lets you think you’ve actually nailed the whole parenting thing.

Here are some of the things I’ve been learning about THOSE times:

  •  It’s not always the parent who is to blame. It’s important to be kind to yourself. Sometimes it’s just a developmental phase. Sometimes it’s just something you and your smallish child need to be educated on – it’s all new and unknown for both of you! There’s no other way but to learn on the job! It’s OK to feel like you have no bloody idea what you’re doing, because um…NO HANDBOOK. Seriously. Where’s my freakin’ handbook?
  • It’s also not always the child who is fully to blame. When they’re not themselves or their behaviours are driving you bonkers, it is important to remember that they’re usually going through something too. While it might not excuse certain things they do (depending on their age), it’s important to remember that this one phase does not define them as a human being. Or at least it doesn’t have to. I try really hard (it can take a LOT of effort when we’re at the end of our tether) to separate the child from the behaviour (gotta love a popular parenting cliché). I have been trying to find ways to bond with the Little Mister, rediscover all the best parts of him (there are many) and to help build his confidence.
  • Reaching out to supportive mummy/daddy people in your life is priceless. If there’s someone in your life who has kids the same age as your kids, or has vivid memories/nightmares of having kids the same age as yours, they are an amazingly reassuring resource to tap into. For me, it’s often my mum, close friends and my mothers’ group. I can think that the craziest WTF moments with the Little Mister are isolated to just him, but as soon as I reach out, I often realise that there are like 5 other mums going through the exact same thing at the exact same time (or who remember all too well) and if I’d never shared my parenting woes (or been privy to theirs), I would never have known! Nothing takes a weight off your shoulders like knowing you’re all in the trenches together.
  • Recruit an awesome team who all have your kid’s best interests at heart. Assault that bastard phase together. Show that you’re a tight, caring unit. Get your spouse, your child’s carers/teachers, the grandies, the family doctor (if applicable) all on board. A united front – a do no harm, show lots of love, but take no shit type thing – can do wonders.
  • This phase will not last forever. A reality check is good. I ask myself questions like, “Will this two weeks of crap right now really matter in 10 years?” Hell, I’m sure I’ll have bigger problems then, but that’s not the point of the exercise haha. You know what I mean. It’s like when you’re toilet training and you think your kid will never nail it but then you realise that it would be highly unlikely that your kid will be attending high school in nappies and you feel a teensy bit better.

I feel hopeful that we’re kicking the fucking fours in the goolies (for now anyway). It’s been a rough couple of weeks for everyone. It’s been good to regroup and strategise. Honestly, I’ll never know if it’s my superb parenting (BAHAHA) or whether the phase was coming to a more peaceful place on its own anyway, but I’ll be glad to see the back of it.

You know…until the next time it rears its ugly head!

So, tell me. Anything you’re going through at the moment? Want to get through this together? x