Tag: anxiety

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak? 

 

The Happy List #47

In the last few days, I’ve been feeling a bit attacked by my anxiety monster (her name is Patrice because “NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE!” – it’s a How I Met Your Mother reference – too obscure?). The timing of it makes sense. It’s a busy time of year, I’m tired, my hormones are probably all over the place because my body can’t seem to get its act together fertility wise. I’m worried about the future (anxiety’s favourite pastime) because of that whole situation. As usual, I just have to wait her out. Patrice is a bitch and never knows when to leave, even though I’ve stood up and I’m holding the door open and yawning and saying stuff like, “Oh is that the time? Gosh I have so much to get done…”

It’s hard getting stuck in your head and having to fight your way out all the time, but it is what it is. I’ve learned to accept that anxiety comes and goes and I can’t be obsessed with the fact that it is there and never at peace about it. I just have to manage it better each time. So I will. I will try to be kinder to myself, I will take what little time I get for self care, and I will not forget that this too shall pass. My life has lots of good things in it and I won’t let Patrice’s pessimism make me miss out on enjoying and appreciating them.

In the spirit of finding the positives, I’ve decided that it’s time for a happy list, because plenty of things have been making me happy lately – gotta spread those good vibes!

Getting away for the weekend with Mr Unprepared

We were child free – just the two of us – for the weekend so we could go and watch Josh Pyke and Bob Evans perform in Dunsborough. It was fantastic!

img_4761

I was thrilled to be kid free (no offence little man) and it was nice to have a change of scenery. I get really restless these days and it was so great to be somewhere other than my house, the Little Mister’s school or the supermarket haha.

Josh Pyke and Bob Evans’ music has been such a part of our relationship over the years – some of their songs seeing us through significant moments, other songs were played at our wedding – so it felt fitting that we were able to celebrate our 9th anniversary of marriage a little early by seeing them play together!

Watermelon

I’ve gone crazy for it. I love how refreshing it is when it’s juiced. I love it when it’s all cut up and ready to eat! I’ve balled a bunch of it and put it in a takeaway container in the fridge ready for snacking (I get so annoyed by having to cut it constantly) and I am obsessed with watermelon flavoured coconut water!

I’ve never been as crazy for watermelon as I am now! I think that with all of my Kez Gets Physical efforts, my cravings have changed a lot for the better. Not gonna lie, I still think about donuts more than a person should, but I’m enjoying my new healthier approach!

Warm, sunny weather

And it’s not just the fact that it’s sunny and warm! It’s the fact that it’s become more consistent! It was so tiresome trying to figure out what to wear each day, as the weather went from one extreme to another! I love just putting on a skirt/pair of shorts and a tank top and just going. It’s so much easier than layering and worrying about what the weather will do in the course of a day! You wake up, you know what you’re going to get, you wear the same thing ALL day with no probs. Yes. It’s the little things!

The Gilmore Girls

Sorry not sorry! I love that show (after being quite the late adopter and binge watching the first 7 seasons this year for the first time) and the fact that it’s been revived has me over the moon! I am so scared to watch all of the episodes too fast in case I get to the end and fall into a deep well of sadness too soon haha.

I love that show. It’s so good for the soul!

Do you have a character you relate to most? I think I was definitely Lane in high school minus the scary mum – more in the quirky rock and roll sense (bonus points because she’s Korean although I’m a fake Korean with white parents and stuff but shhhh), and I think I’m definitely a lot of Lorelai as a mum. Not sure if that’s good or bad yet haha.

giphy-18

Mr Unprepared buying new jeans

I am sorry, but I have to mention it because it truly did make me so happy and this is a happy list. Mr Unprepared has been losing weight too and peeps have been noticing. I’m quite proud and impressed. BUT…he is reluctant to dress for his size. His pants were looking really baggy and falling down and I was starting to get mad at him because he wouldn’t get himself a new pair of jeans that fit him! *insert massive eye roll here*

I had fun being his stylist on the weekend – he wasn’t sure about it all (he made whiny little protest-y noises but I just tuned them out hahaha), but I convinced him and DAMN he looks fine in his new jeans! DAMN!

Wanna know how baggy his old jeans were? So baggy that when he got new, slimmer fitting jeans he spent all night freaking out because he could feel fabric on his calf muscles. So basically, for longer than I care to know, he has had jeans so baggy that his legs literally did not touch the sides. WTF.

giphy-19

NO MORE WEIRD OLD MAN JEANS. NO MORE.

Gosh he’s lucky to have me.

Other stuff that has made me happy: 

  • Coleslaw. I am back to last summer’s obsession and I’m not mad ’bout it.
  • It’s the last full week of the school term. YES.
  • Feeling the positive effects of my own weight loss so far.
  • That one Monday per fortnight that I get to just do whatever I want/have been putting off during school hours.
  • Getting a positive review from our Air B&B host – god I’m a sucker for external validation ?
  • Facebook groups full of supportive people.

What’s been making you happy lately?

Anticipatory Car Park Anxiety: It’s totally a thing.

Sometimes I get anxiety about a bunch of things (some reasons that make more sense than others). But I have this one anxiety quirk that has never left me. And I want to know if I’m the only one who deals with it…

I get anxious about where I’m going to park when I arrive somewhere. 

Like, for real.

If I am not familiar with the venue or area, I spend way too long worried about where my car will be situated. Like, my heart will actually race at the thought of it sometimes.

I will spend ages before I leave home, googling maps and wondering if it’s parallel street parking, whether there’s enough car spaces in the nearest car park and how much longer it will take me to get to my destination, if I have to account for finding a car space. I worry about where/when I’m allowed to park. What side of the road the parking is on and whether it is easy to access. I worry about how busy the area will be. WHAT IF I CAN’T FIND A SPOT AND EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET (what does that even mean). What the rules are for each car park: how long I’m allowed to park there for, whether it requires a ticket to be paid for, blah blah.

Because, despite my seemingly rebellious nature, I am a nervous, over thinking chook of a person when it comes to the idea of actually breaking any rules.

Yes. I am ridiculous.

This week, the Little Mister started kindy. I swear I spent so much time worrying about where I would need to park each day. I beat myself up for days for not remembering to ask anyone about this simple every day logistical thing ahead of time – I mean, I knew just about every other thing (trust me). His school has several car parks and I knew nothing of the rules. It was a little bit hilarious just how relieved I was when I got there (after scrolling through pages and pages of online official school documents to find a map) and realised that there were LOTS of places to park at drop off and pick up time. LOTS. And the ‘kiss and drop’ portion of the car park was clearly marked so I would not risk confusing it for a place to park in (we can’t do kiss and drop for kindy kids – obviously best to walk them in and out).

You would not believe how ecstatic I was. After finding my parking spot, I just knew the whole day would go well. Because my car had a spot.

It’s almost like I associate an easy parking experience with turning up somewhere feeling poised and confident and not flustered. Like it determines how well a meeting or an event will go. It’s like an extension of my social anxiety (which is a funny thing for a fairly outgoing person to have).

But like with any other anxiety I experience, it would do me good to remember that everything turns out OK in the end and is RARELY worst case scenario stuff. I haven’t been through anything I haven’t survived or learned from, right?

I mean, do you actually know anyone who couldn’t find a parking spot and that fact alone wrecked their whole entire lives/perception of themselves FOREVER? I mean, I’m sure there are rare exceptional circumstances in which this has probably certainly happened, but what are the odds? Come on, Kez. Get it together.

I am such a freak. Or am I?

Do you get anxious about weird things? Spill!!! 

I’m not ready (to be a school mum)!

OK, so technically I am ready in the sense that all of the booklist items have been procured and the Little Mister’s uniform is ready and all I have to do is put his name on everything. I learned about being prepared nice and early because BC (Before Child) I worked in a stationery and school supplies store and the stress the ‘last minute’ parents put themselves through was SO not worth it (and it made them into horrible monsters).

But mentally ready? Not. At. All.

As for the Little Mister – he seems nervous but glad to be a ‘big kid’ at ‘big school’ soon (we’re talking kindy for 4 year olds). He asks me questions about it all the time and he sounds so adorably naive and he thinks anything that is remotely grown up will be on offer at kindy. Like maybe he can use knives there and drink from glass tumblers and stuff. Because grown up. But he also asks if he’ll still get nap time and toys to play with.

He is also mourning the end of his time at day care – it’s started to sink in that he’s never going back (even though I started preparing him before Christmas last year). We run into his little day care buddies all the time in this small world we live in. He cries about missing one particular boy he used to play with a lot. He also misses his favourite teacher.

We’ve had little chats where I’ve told him that while it can be sad to leave a place and people that we love and know so well, as we grow up we have a chance to have new adventures and learn new things and make new friends we might love just as much. I’ve promised him that it’s OK. That as grown up as he is becoming, he is still my little kid and I will always be there for him to help guide him and explain how things work. He’s not on his own. Not yet!

All the while, I’m running a parallel shit scared commentary in my own head.

What if I’m a big fail of a school mum? What if I’m that mum that forgets stuff all the time (I seriously struggled with a couple of kindy preparation related things last year – probably me being in denial – and it really knocked my confidence)? What if I hate having to be so much more organised? Pressure’s on to get my act together! What if I am not the ideal ‘private school mum’? What if I just look like a hot bogan mess at school drop offs and pick ups and everyone else is wearing the latest active wear or corporate outfits or on point ‘mum’ clothes? What if a lot of the other mums are much more ‘proper’ than I am? I don’t even really know where to park my car. Not even kidding. I mean, there are several car parks but I have no idea which ones are for who. I never asked. HOLD ME.

Not to mention that being an ex (high school) student of that same school, I get crazy flashbacks walking in there all the time. I feel like I’m still the student. Like at any moment, I’m about to break a rule about how to wear my uniform or realise I haven’t done my homework in time or will somehow offend a teacher and get in trouble! I actually had a pretty great time there. I made great friends and the sense of community was strong. It was also a quality education that I was given. Which is why we picked the place for the Little Mister. But still. PTSD much? Haha.

How am I allowed to have a kid and send it to school? I’M NOT EVEN A GROWN UP YET AND I’M 31.

TELL ME. HOW?

I worry about whether he’ll get in trouble – not because he’s a bad kid, but because he can get a bit too excited about things. He’s very…exuberant (and strong minded). I just try to remind myself that he’s only 4. They’ll understand this. They’ll guide him. I’m sure of it. I hope?

Don’t even get me started on the first day I have to leave him there. In his little uniform. Waaaaaaaah.

Don’t get me wrong – he’ll be fine. Me? Who knows. My mum sent me a message the other day, regarding this. She told me to buy a box of tissues and used a wine glass emoji.

*gulp*

I mean, we both did fine with the day care drop off thing last year, but this just feels so much more emotional! Why is that?!

Is anyone else going to be school mum/dad for the first time this year? Have you got some experience under your belt – got any advice or reassurance to offer?? 

The Happy List #12

Happy List#12

So, it’s been quite the week. I’m even writing/posting this happy list a day late! It’s been a big mix of emotions and events. Nothing too out there, but anxiety, a flat tyre on my car, the loss of a beloved security blankie (more on that later) and a bunch of other stuff (including the Little Mister getting very grouchy due to a suspected growth spurt) have played a part. It’s definitely been an exhausting week. Still, there were lots of positives hidden away in that week and it’s time to celebrate them (even if sometimes those things felt overshadowed by dumb stuff at the time).

Here’s what made me happy in the last week…

Colouring in

Ever since I was considered ‘too old’ to colour in, I have wished I could. For years, I would joke about buying my own colouring in book just for fun, but then wondered if that was too weird. Now, with the sudden craze of adult colouring in books, I am in my element! I found one the other day that I liked the look of, threw a new pack of coloured markers in my basket too, and brought it home. I immediately wondered if I’d wasted my money (it felt like I’d never get time to colour in), but the other night I needed to chill out for a few minutes and took my chance. IT WAS SO GOOD. Of course, I have read all about the benefits of colouring in as an adult, but I didn’t expect anything. I was just doing it for fun. Yet, no joke, a few minutes in and I felt so CALM! I hadn’t felt that calm in DAYS. It was truly blissful. Now I know I’ll be reaching for that book when anxiety comes calling. Especially at night, when my anxiety kind of tries to run rampant. Although, I do feel it’s only a matter of time until the Little Mister somehow gets a hold of my colouring in stash, despite my best efforts!

New glasses

My new glasses arrived early and to say I was excited to collect them is an understatement. I finally picked out frames that suited my needs (and style), as opposed to always compromising in the past. No more pesky rubber nose pieces that get knocked out of whack and are then all crooked when I put them on! No more flimsy frames that scare me when the Little Mister inevitably gets a hold of them! I’ve even managed to just pull off an aviator look from Country Road, with my first pair of prescription sunglasses (for driving in sunny weather). I asked Mr Unprepared if they made me look like a hot FBI chick or a secret agent of some sort, but he said no. How rude haha.

Buying some jeans

I know that jeans are not a revolutionary item of clothing. Most people have them and wear them every day. They are considered a fantastic, practically timeless (if you buy the right style) staple of any wardrobe. But for me, pants have been an issue. Muffin top, short legs, pouchy crotch, you get the idea. I get around this with shirt dresses and leggings a lot, but there are times when jeans just seem like the best option and I just haven’t had any on hand (or leg as it may be). While I was stranded in the local shopping centre the other day (thanks to my flat tyre incident – second one in 6 months – aargh), I figured I’d kill time with some dress ups. I decided to try some jeans. I love the distressed look skinnies, so I thought, why not? If they fit I might be tempted to buy them and if they didn’t, I’d just put them back, no harm done.

I was stoked to find a pair in a darker (and therefore more flattering) denim, with the odd sizes in stock (i.e. 11). I put them on and I wasn’t instantly repulsed! Yay! I still have some muffin top issues (I may have been eating badly in the past week) but with my usual exercise/eating routine, I knew it was not going to be an ongoing problem. I actually felt kind of cute in them. Massive win!

Spending time in the fresh air

Yesterday, we went to my parents’ place so Mr Unprepared could help my dad to cut down a whole bunch of trees and help with a bonfire. It was so lovely. We roamed about their 5 acres, stayed away from technology for the most part, and the Little Mister had a great time wearing himself out (and trying not to fall down rabbit holes). There were beautiful flowers everywhere, the sun shone for most of the day, and even though my parents don’t live far away from civilisation at all, it felt like we were sequestered away on a little country holiday. Bliss!

11949477_10153274053238218_2035543298003758564_n

 

A good night’s sleep when you’re tired

Ever have those days where you’re all, “Man I’m so knackered. I’m going to sleep so well tonight.”

But then you don’t? Because life is a bitch sometimes? And the problem goes on forever because you jinxed it? Well, last night this was NOT the case! I needed a really good sleep, I went to bed early and I got it! So satisfying. Please don’t hate me haha.

I feel so much more refreshed than I’ve felt in ages (instead of feeling worse which is sometimes the case). Thank goodness! The situation was getting a bit dire!

Other stuff that’s made me happy:

  • Knowing when to say ‘no’ because it’s the best thing for you. FOMO can go to hell – people understand.
  • The Little Mister playing so quietly this morning – that hasn’t happened in a while.
  • Having time to blog.
  • A little bit of sunshine after a few days of rain.
  • Seeing that my azaleas are about to flower.
  • Knowing my brother is following his dreams and is making the big move to Melbourne.
  • Having a morning at home to just regroup and chill out.
  • Some clarity on an issue I’ve been struggling with.

 

What has made you happy lately? x

Kez Gets Physical: My first outdoor ‘run’.

Kez Gets Physical

I have gone on about it for a while, but today it finally happened. I finally went for a run in the great outdoors (instead of just on the treadmill). YAY! Mr Unprepared was home from work (recovering from his 140km training cycle yesterday), the weather was beautiful and we had no other plans for the morning. While I was in the shower, I suddenly realised it was time. I had to do it today or I’d never get started.

Of course, right before I was due to go out, I had a minor anxiety attack. Great timing, hey. I know exactly what triggered it but that’s probably for another post. So I felt sick to the stomach, my head was spinning and I had to sit down! Not the best start! Still, I soldiered on – even if it was a bit later than I’d planned.

I took my dog Blitz with me. She needs to work on her fitness too. We’re going to be work out buddies. She just doesn’t really know it yet.

IMG_7438

 

At first I was pulling her along, but she finally started to get the hang of it and keep pace with me. I am a little worried about her road safety smarts. At the first intersection, she tried to run away from another dog that was crossing the road too (during which time a car appeared and was headed towards us). The next time, she stopped to sniff a caterpillar in the middle of the road. Sigh. We’ll work on that.

I think that I can only just get away with saying I ran most of the way to the beach. It was difficult to get into the zone. One of my socks had lost its elastic (which I didn’t realise until I’d started running) and kept slipping down into my shoe. Am I alone in saying that it’s the most irritating feeling ever? Sometimes I had to stop and untangle Blitz’s lead a bit – she’d get it under her chest and around a paw. I managed to keep it nice and short most of the time to avoid this, but when she lagged behind I had to let it out haha.

Still, I wouldn’t do it without her. She’s not just in need of a work out herself, but she’s good company and being a big black dog, I have to admit that it helps to calm my fears of strange boogey men waiting in the shadows. I hope she’s a deterrent. I don’t want any excuses to not run (don’t get me started on my feminist rant about women not having a sense of safety when alone)!

I didn’t run with any music because I wanted to get used to not having it, but I did find it a bit irritating that I couldn’t accurately track my run. I had my fitbit flex on, but I couldn’t carry my phone which meant I couldn’t use the GPS functions that a lot of running apps have. I am very into being able to really measure everything – it’s a big motivator for me. Later in the afternoon I went and purchased an arm band to carry my phone in, so it’s good to know I have it for next time.

When I got to the beach, Mr Unprepared, the Little Mister and our older dog Heidi joined me (they came by car). I sat on the beach, looking at the beautiful ocean. I was still feeling pretty average mentally, thanks to the stupid anxiety, but by the time we left the beach I realised I was less tense and feeling a little more human. It was worth it. I think my performance will be a lot better minus the anxiety, so that’s something to look forward to.

IMG_7444

After my run I got on the computer and used the mapmywalk.com site to check how long my route was. 1.91km. Not as far as I thought (but pretty close – I’d guessed 2km). That’s better than I’ve done on my treadmill so far, so I will celebrate that little achievement!

Who knows when I’ll get another outdoor run (probably once Mr Unprepared has finished his big charity ride – his training has been pretty intensive and time consuming), but I am excited for it. It’s nice to get out of the house. Also, I can’t just be tempted to give up and sit down on the couch halfway. I have to run home too haha.

Do you run? Are you just starting like me? Do you want to start? Or are you an expert? Any great advice for how to carry stuff or get the most out of my run? x

The Happy List #11

The Happy List #11

 

I am using what energy I can to write my happy list before I come crashing down after a 4:30am wake up this morning! On a Sunday, no less! Ah, the things we do for love (I will explain it in a moment)! So, here’s what has made me happy in the past week or so…

Watching the sun rise

Today is Mr Unprepared’s birthday. It is also the day he needs to do a 140km training ride with his cycling team for a charity trip he is doing in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me (a sudden burst of love?), but I decided that I would wake up at 4:30am with him, bundle the Little Mister into the car and go on a little early morning adventure to the city, where the ride started. You know, in the spirit of it being his birthday and all. While I dreaded the early morning wake up (and had trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour to compensate), I am so glad we did it. The Little Mister was enthralled with the novelty of getting up at ‘night time’ and despite my fatigue, the drive home as the sun rose was just lovely. The colours in the sky. The quiet on the roads. That whole “it’s a new day” feeling. I love it. Not too often, but I do love it when I have to haha.

Busting through a mental block

I’ve mentioned it quite a bit (sorry!), but I’ve been trying to declutter our study so I can turn it into a gorgeous lady blogging cave worthy of Pinterest. I was getting all excited as I shredded old documents and threw out weird useless trinkets, but then I reached a bit of a mental block. I didn’t know where to go next. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I thought that everything would have to stop, because I had no idea what to do next. Then, a visit to my parents’ and suddenly it just seemed so easy. I took inspiration from my brother who is leaving to live in Melbourne soon – waaaaah (happy for him but going to miss him terribly). He had some great stuff to sell me and observing how he was going about the decluttering process really sparked something in me. It was a lightbulb moment! I mean, some of the stuff he’s doing seems so obvious but like I said, I had a total mental block. I came home feeling ready to take the next steps (because I finally knew what they were). It was like a weird chain reaction. Suddenly inspiration returned to me and I’m excited again. I got this!

Being able to talk (or tweet) openly about my anxiety

tumblr_inline_n3qsgdJEaY1sv5sg3

Earlier this week, anxiety (I named her Patrice because “NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!”) was really trying to beat me down. She was being such a bitch. Telling me I was lonely and sad, when so many things in my life were actually looking pretty good (or were things I could normally find the positives about). Telling me that the things I should have been looking forward to were all going to end in dismal failure and the implosion of my very soul. Making me think I wasn’t strong enough to bounce back even if that was the case (which we all know it probably wasn’t going to be). I was really getting sick of Patrice’s shit.

I decided to tweet about it, because a couple of years ago (when it was at its worst), I decided I wouldn’t hide it anymore. I would stop buying into the stigma of it. I would help myself and others by being honest and open. Within minutes, I had wonderful responses from kind friends who hilariously got into the spirit by telling Patrice to eff off and I knew I wasn’t alone (like Patrice was trying to make me feel). While external validation wasn’t really my motivation (I was just venting and trying to put the thoughts outside of my head – a bonus if me keeping it real helped somebody else to feel less alone), I was so grateful. I started to feel better almost immediately. No joke. Being able to speak up and say you’re not feeling great does wonders. I thank everyone (online or IRL) who makes me feel safe to do so.

When the dogs greet the Little Mister at his bedroom window

It’s a silly story, but the Little Mister went through a phase where he kept turning on his bedroom lights in the middle of the night (therefore keeping himself awake). We confiscated the light bulb from his overhead light and we now unplug his bedside lamp when we’re done reading stories for the night. Meanest parents ever haha. In the mornings (especially when it’s dark and cloudy), I have to open his blind immediately so we can see what we’re doing. Our dogs have gotten used to this and have adjusted their morning routine to listen out for us and come running to the window to ‘say’ good morning every day. It’s so sweet and the Little Mister loves it.

Learning new insults

I visited our local major shopping centre on a Tuesday morning at 9am. As soon as I got inside the automatic doors, I heard a beautiful bogan specimen loudly telling a tale about her life to another gorgeous bogan specimen. It involved a moment that she was very proud of in which she had told another (I’m assuming) bogan that she was a “cheesecake c**t!” over and over. The joy on her face was just exquisite. She was almost glowing as she recounted her moment of triumph.

While it’s not a side of my hometown that I’m especially proud of, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself about it all day (and laughing is good for us). I mean, what exactly is a cheesecake c**t and what do you have to do to be qualified as one? It goes on the happy list because it did weirdly make me happy. It’s like we can make fun of it because we live here.

Where would we be without bogans, hey? (don’t answer that – it’s tongue-in-cheek rhetorical haha)

 

So that’s it for this week! What would you put on your happy list?

Starting day care for the first time – the what ifs and the possibilities.

c737d7df4e718e511946618128bc6a89

image

The Little Mister starts day care for the first time this week and while I’ve been excited at the thought of free time (ha – let’s see how long that lasts with the possibility of casual work and all the tasks that pile up each week), I am starting to get really nervous! Despite the fact that he is SO ready and I know he’s going to thoroughly enjoy being the little social butterfly that he is, I am still freaking out a little….because I’m me.

We’re sending him once a week (with the possibility of twice by the end of the year), to help him prepare for 3 full days a week of 4 year old kindy at school next year. We didn’t want to just chuck him in the deep end.

So what silly things have got me all tied up in knots? Let me allow you to view my ridiculous stream of thoughts – uncensored in all their irrational glory…

What if the other kids are assholes?

What if my kid acts like one? He can be pretty bossy and sometimes when he’s tired…well…

What if him being an only child somehow makes him seem more immature than the other kids his age? What if he’s slower to understand some stuff and gets punished for being naughty when he simply doesn’t get it yet? What if they forget how young he is and expect too much (he looks older than he is)?

What if toilet training doesn’t progress OR GETS WORSE?

Selfishly (what? It’s not all about me?), what if I start to think I’m failing at this mum stuff because this is the first time I am open to being judged for what I put in a lunchbox, what my kid wears, how far along he is in his development etc? I mean, hello, I’ve read the crazy Facebook stories people tell (which are in no way related to the centre we are sending our child – don’t kick us out haha).

What if he just gets sick all the time?

OH HOLY SH*T.

BUT…

…then I think…what if he has an AWESOME TIME?

What if he makes lots of friends who make him feel loved and accepted?

What if he makes progress with things like toilet training and giving up a dummy for sleep time, because he can see how it’s done with the influence of the other children?

What if this compensates well for the social skills he might need sharpening up on, being an only child at this point? What if he benefits from having more authority figures he isn’t related to and lifts to meet their expectations?

What if I finally get to look after myself during his time at day care with all those appointments I keep putting off? What if I get the opportunity to do a little work? What if I stop feeling guilty and just GET STUFF DONE?

What if the Little Mister gets nicely tired out and less restless and demanding at home?

What if he gets really ready for school, meaning less nerves for all of us by the time his first day rolls around next year?

What if his immune system gets even stronger?

Oh yes. All these what-ifs.

Truth is, I have no idea what to think or expect because we haven’t gone through it yet! I could be so far off base with half of my what-if scenarios and all you seasoned school/day care mummies are probably looking at me with that “oh bless her – she knows nothing” facial expression haha.

I know I’m doing the right thing and I know that the place we’re sending him seems just lovely and the right fit for our family – I felt such relief when we did a walk-through, the other kids were friendly and not fussed by the Little Mister’s presence, and the staff were so great both in person and in their reliability/accessibility with each point of contact. I know that my charming, sociable kid isn’t perfect, but he is good and he is kind. He has his own learning journey to go on! I know that I am not a big believer of wanting to keep him all to myself forever (oh hell no haha). I want him to get out there into the world with confidence and this is the first tiny step. I want him to socialise well and get ready to learn in a safe place.

Also? Damn, it’s just one day a week. Settle the f*ck down.

So there’s the overthink-everything Kez and then there’s the Kez who has finished writing this blog post (it’s therapy OK?). The Kez who, despite writing about herself in the third person right now (how did that happen?), is quite sane and level headed and knows that on the day everything will be OK. We can deal with whatever gets thrown at us and much more likely than not, the Little Mister benefit greatly from his day care experience. I don’t regret the decision at all and I am actually excited for him (and me – in all honesty)!

You know. No biggie.

😉

How did you feel before sending your child to day care/pre-kindy for the first time?