Oh, you guys. Let me just start by saying it was so great to realise that I was finally in the 3rd trimester! I don’t know why but it feels like I can legitimately whinge about being uncomfortable now haha. All the best pregnancy memes are for the 3rd trimester, don’t you know, and I felt like for the whole second trimester, I’d been carrying on like I was much further along – thanks to the PUPPP rash, mostly. The lack of sleep, the discomfort, the “I’M SO OVER IT” feeling. I mean, not that I haven’t done enough complaining (sorry not sorry – dedicated to keeping it real over here), but now it feels like I’m actually allowed to feel how I feel.
I really wanted to celebrate this great milestone, but unfortunately life got in the way. Our family had a sudden fur baby loss (it wasn’t our dog but my parents’ who we loved dearly and who was the litter brother of our own dog – we’d bonded with him as if he was our own and it was tough on everyone). This was also the first day I was supposed to measure my blood sugar levels because of my recent gestational diabetes diagnosis. Of course I measured off the charts, thanks to the stress of the day and then I got more stressed seeing those elevated readings. I felt like I was just spiralling. Also, my rash was being particularly aggressive and resistant to my treatments, so I was really struggling that weekend. I had to cancel all of my social plans that I had really been looking forward to and I sadly had a couple of anxiety attacks that left me feeling woozy and faint. I knew that I couldn’t go on like that for the sake of my own health and the baby’s. I had to send Mr Unprepared to everything with the Little Mister on my behalf and park myself on the couch, under the air conditioning (or in the bath).
I felt frustrated that my GD (gestational diabetes) diagnosis had actually assisted in making me feel more unwell than before. Psychologically it was stressing me out, and it seemed to be showing in my blood sugar readings. If I hadn’t had the diagnosis and had been ignorant, I would have stayed much more stable. While I know it’s important to monitor it in the bigger picture, I still felt resentful. It just seemed so unfair.
I was unable to control my fasting readings (the reading you take right after waking) and I probably face the real possibility of having to go on insulin. Which means that then I am deemed as having a high risk pregnancy and might have to deliver an hour away from home in a better equipped hospital for that kind of thing. Like I needed another thing on my plate! I don’t want to jump before I’m pushed – I haven’t seen my doctor about it yet (that’s probably a story for next week), but I fear that it isn’t looking good, despite the fact that I am entirely able to control the condition with my diet alone during the day.
All of my selfish whining aside, I felt for the first time that I might have to worry about the health of my baby. See, PUPPP rash does not affect the baby – just the poor itchy mother. And GD can mostly affect the mum but can often be controlled, without having a really big impact on the baby. But now I faced the fear that maybe my baby would be at risk at some point. And that scared the shit out of me. I was really upset about it. I might struggle, but I would choose myself to take all the hits over and over if I could be guaranteed that my baby would be OK. I’m a grown woman who is learning to become a fucking warrior, but a baby is just a tiny little thing who needs all the good health they can get.
I could not care less about not being able to have hot chips or chocolate or whatever (OK so I care a little bit – I’m only human). It’s just overwhelming when you add it to the stress of my rash. My pregnancy is quite the full time (or is that over time) job. I’m surprised I get out of the house with all the hours I spend researching and preparing the perfect meals, testing myself at the exact perfect times after those perfect meals, writing in a food diary and applying cream to most of my body – that’s an ever expanding amount of surface area – before having to put on the perfect outfit to hide some of my rash and not irritate it! 🙄
Anyway, I know I’ve lost some followers because I’m not having a wonderful, glowy time (and have been outspoken about it). Maybe people feel I’m ungrateful, but the truth is that I am so grateful. You can feel two very conflicting feelings at once. I learned that during my infertility struggles. You can feel so overjoyed for someone who is pregnant, while being so sad because you are not. Right now I feel overjoyed to be pregnant, because my family is finally going to be complete and while I hate my pregnancy, I love my baby so much. The moments when she’s kicking me are what keep me going, because I know she’s there and she’s OK. I cannot wait to meet her. We’ve been on quite the journey together.
This week I learned to go easier on myself. I adjusted some of my expectations of myself. If my baby has a plain, but comfortable and fairly inviting nursery when she’s born, then I will be OK with that. The Pinterest Utopia of All Best Nursery Ideas dreams I’ve had might be a little delayed, but that’s OK. I will enjoy Christmas and the school holidays with my little family of three and everything will turn out OK when we become four. The Little Miss won’t notice for a while (also she won’t be sleeping in there for a while at first). Anything extra I manage to do before her birth will be a great bonus (I still hold out a tiny bit of hope for a sudden nesting mania moment towards the end haha).
Also, this week I started to bathe in bi carb soda instead of Pine Tar bath oil, so that’s big news. Bet you’re glad to have tuned in for that! It makes a big difference – I was SO sick of feeling greasy in this warmer weather.
My bump popped out all of a sudden (more than it already had) some time this week too. The Little Miss is certainly using up as much space as she can (and there’s still quite the way to go)! She must be using some pretty rad IKEA furniture systems in there to save on storage space haha.
I laugh when I can feel her body parts really sticking out at the front of my belly. I actually can’t picture what I’m going to look like by the time she’s cooked well enough to be evicted safely, despite having done this once before!
