This week felt like a mixed bag of emotions! That damn rash I’m experiencing got me down a bit. I realised that I should be kind to myself and acknowledge that it can be really draining when your body is constantly fighting itself. I was a bit embarrassed at how tired and big I felt. I mean, come on – I’d only just passed the half way mark and I was carrying on like I was about to pop! I was wishing time would speed up because I was already SO over it. Which is dumb because I have SO MUCH stuff to do before the baby arrives and also, I felt guilty for not enjoying things more after wanting this for so long.
But then I realised that I have wanted a baby for so long. I have wanted the end result. The completion of my family. So what if pregnancy is not a perfect experience for me? It’s worth it in the end and I would never not have signed up for that. The Little Mister is proof that eventually the scars (and the itching) fade and it’s a blip on the radar of my life – even if a very significant and memorable one. It’s definitely a marathon and not a sprint for me! I just keep striving to keep perspective.
In saying that, I think that should we have everything go well and the baby arrives healthy, this will be my last pregnancy. FOR SURE. I mean, you can say ‘never say never’ but right this minute I know I will be glad to see the end of worrying about pregnancy and fertility. I will love my family of four fiercely, enjoy my two as they grow and that will be that.
Speaking of the rash, I cracked and called my clinic. I spoke to a lovely midwife (who I know personally also) who helped me to get a prescription for a slightly stronger steroid ointment (the same one I used last pregnancy). It felt good to be proactive. I think I could do with a lot more (the tubes are TINY and I don’t want to have to chase it up every time I run out) but I think it’s helping? In all honesty, it’s kind of hard to tell at the moment. I think the rash itself is spreading down my legs a bit but the symptoms are manageable. I still get a bit distressed in the late afternoon and in the evenings but I can get about during the day OK.
I had a lot of down time this week. I slept a lot and this was good. I needed it. But it was also difficult because quiet days, no matter how much I need them, mean itchier moments with less distractions. More difficult thoughts with no distractions – it really does your head in. Trying to find a balance! I don’t recall being this uncomfortable at night last time. I think because this rash is on my sides where I sleep, whereas last time it was mostly on my front. You win some you lose some, I guess.
Anyway, I should probably just rename these weekly blog posts “RASH UPDATES” but hey. I’m trying to give an honest account. Sadly this consumes me a lot. Maybe when I’m clucky after this baby is born, I can read back and think OH HELL NO. NEVER AGAIN. Just a little reminder to future me haha.
Some other stuff did happen, though!
I started to get slightly leaky boobs. Yep. Little drops of colostrum! I thought that I was a freak having this happen early, but apparently it seems to be kind of common at this stage of pregnancy. It happened with the Little Mister too! Sadly, last time my breastfeeding efforts were kind of thwarted when he was born, but I like to think that this could mean a good supply this time around, should I be able to avoid too much trauma during birth (and the antibiotics didn’t help either).
The Little Miss (yep – she’s got her own moniker already – very original as you can see) is already being showered with gifts. I bought her very first book this week. I am so excited to teach her about inspirational women and encourage her to be a strong, confident and awesome little rebel (in all the good ways).
I feel like it’s important to balance out all of the fairy tales where the princess waits around to be rescued by a prince. I hope this book can be a great keepsake for many years to come.
I also felt so happy when I received a surprise package in the mail from a lovely friend.
It contained a beautiful little outfit – the shirt has a unicorn on it. What more can I say? OK, besides it being so cute, I was really appreciative of this gift. It came on a day when I was feeling quite flat and a bit dejected because of the…yes I am mentioning it again…rash. This picked me up at the exact right time. I am so grateful for the love the Little Miss is receiving already from the people in my life.
The baby’s kicks are increasing and sometimes I can even see my belly bounce ever so slightly when I feel one. Mr Unprepared has been able to feel them even more and that’s been lovely.
Also, my t-shirts which seemed SO oversized at the beginning of my pregnancy are starting to look ridiculously short on me. I might need to do a little more shopping for maternity wear once school goes back – any excuse, right?
Here’s me at 21 weeks…
Thanks for reading! x
