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Why hello, Sunday. It’s almost the start of a new week (thanks Captain Obvious). Sunday is the day when there are usually attempts made to prep for the oncoming shit show that is known as 5 days of school runs and crazy evenings full of witching hour nonsense (I once described it as bitching hour and someone sweetly and naively asked me if it was a typo – bless their cotton socks).
I’ve decided that I am not thinking enough during the daylight hours lately, but I am doing more than enough thinking at 2am in the morning. It’s go go go on autopilot and the immediacy of putting out all of the daily little fires and then my brain starts up in the middle of the night, because it just happens to be the only time I get alone with my non essential thoughts, these days. The stuff that isn’t urgent. The stuff that I haven’t processed. Sometimes if I’m lucky, I’ll even remember that awful cringey moment that happened in 2003. So that’s fun.
I would like this to stop, so I am going to try to place all of my random thoughts, feelings and ideas into this blog post, in the hopes that I will become more like a whole person and not a shell of a human who can’t even achieve polite small talk without somehow screwing it up!
I’m not a funny/good blogger anymore.
For real. I read some of my old blog posts occasionally and I am astounded, because rather than improving over time, I feel like I have really let myself go as a blogger! My old blog posts were sassy and funny and something to be proud of (even though I probably only had like 5 followers at the time). My new posts are all, I am trying to be inspirational and positive and for a while there I was just doing IVF and then pregnant and shit…
I dunno. I think I’ve lost some of that spontaneous magic. Maybe I got too tired or something. Or maybe the social media thing has created a bit of a gap between what I write on my website, versus what I post on Facebook and Instagram (which tends to involve a bit more of the ‘funny’). I am pretty sure a ‘social media guru’ would tell me I’m a hot mess, brand wise.
I do it all for the love of it right now, but in time I think I’ll have to get my shit together and take things more seriously (or is that more humourously)?
At least I’m honest, though?
I would like my weekends to not be so extreme.
Right now we’ve been existing in extremes. Over-planned, exhausting weekends, which lead to very exhausting week days, followed by weekends of NOTHING because everyone is burnt out and it all has to STOP to the point of being so boring I want to poke my eyes out with a blunt object. Then to compensate for the last boring weekend, everything becomes over-planned again for like a month. It’s a vicious cycle and I blame my husband (let’s not go into that haha). I’d like to achieve more balance each weekend. Some fun time, some down time, some productive time.
I’m sorry but I can’t spend a whole entire weekend wearing a bra and fake smiling. That’s when I know it’s gone TOO FAR. Those are the days that are most likely to have me crying myself to sleep from exhaustion or waking at 2am. Or accidentally locking myself and the baby in the garage before school pick up or doing other dumb shit.
That’s not baby brain. That’s THIS IS TOO MUCH – MAKE IT STAHP brain.
I also can’t have boring, overly ‘nothing’ weekends, because then I get so tired and it’s usually when I get sick because that’s what happens when a busy adult slows down too much. You become a sitting duck for whatever is going around.
Glad I got that off my chest!
People ask me when I’m going back to work a lot now.
Here’s the answer: Probably quite soon. Hopefully in the next few weeks. I am really lucky because I work for very understanding employers in a casual environment, at a very flexible job. OK, so I assist with admin at my parents’ home office haha. I work hard when I’m there, but if I need to change my hours up throughout the week, I am able to. I am very grateful. There’s no way I would consider returning to work this early if I was employed by a big company. I’d take all the unpaid maternity leave I could get. Despite the exhaustion, I absolutely love being a ‘mostly’ stay at home/work from home mum.
Eventually, I’d like to get back into doing some paid writing gigs (you know – when I get my aforementioned mojo back).
Here are my feelings on the question: My baby is 4 months old. I can hardly even remember my own name these days. I didn’t know this was a standard question I’d be asked this early. I never really know how to answer without feeling like I’m on the witness stand.
It makes me laugh that parents continue to ‘shhh’ their babies even though it’s not working.
Maybe it works for other babies, but in my history of having babies (all two times LOL), the shooshing thing has rarely worked when they’re crying. Yet, I keep on catching myself doing it. Why is that? It’s kind of hilarious. I am sure that for months to come, I will be in the nursery, patting my baby and saying, “Shhhhhhh” over and over for absolutely no purpose at 3am in the morning when she’s teething or sick, even though it will consistently do jack shit to comfort her and I’d achieve the same outcomes without the maniacally desperate shooshy sound effects!
Do you do this? Tell me if you do. Am I the only person with ‘shoosh’ proof babies?
My Kez Gets Physical efforts are not that great, despite my good intentions.
So a month ago I wrote a very optimistic blog post about how I was getting back on the healthy living wagon. Nothing too extreme but I was going to clean up my diet a lot and exercise a bit more. I can tell you that I have indeed put on weight, as well as upped my body fat percentage. So that’s going well. I’m not eating more than before. Probably less. Not on purpose. Just because I am still stuck in that feast or famine mode I was talking about avoiding. I think my body is trying to keep fat on in case the famine thing ever gets real (it won’t). I have actually exercised a bit more, but not enough. I am very active each day with the baby and household tasks, so that’s not a total fail. I’m probably accidentally bulking up. Oops.
I’ve joined a couple of fitbit challenges with a friend, so I am hoping this will help to motivate me more. I think it can be so easy to hide (my belly) behind the fact I’m always carrying a baby around. I think I need to remember I want to feel fit and strong and confident without relying on her as my crutch/distraction/arm candy. I need to work on my own identity separate of the Little Miss too.
I don’t want to be hard on myself. I just want to celebrate myself as an individual more. You know, self care and all that shit.
So, there ya have it. All of my brain, dumped out into a handy blog post. While it seems a little bit Negative Nancy, it really doesn’t feel that way for me. It’s just the stuff I know will haunt me if I don’t put it out there. I feel better already!
Got any things to dump out of your brain before the week starts?