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I don’t know if you know this but I have super duper baby mind reading powers. Well, sometimes. I mean, a lot of the time I am also thinking WTF IS HAPPENING HERE when one of my kids does something strange, but occasionally I am totes ONE WITH THE BABY. Like when I am just nodding off at any given time of night and the baby is absolutely going to wake up and cry at that exact moment. We’re just so in tune with each other, you guys.
Anyway, I thought I’d use my (sometimes faulty) mind reading super power to bring to you a post from the point of view of the Little Miss on how she likes to live her best life. Because I totally know what she’s going to do and I totally know what she’s thinking.
Shut up, you’re using a naff ‘mummy blogging’ device…
(Some of) A day in the life of the Little Miss
When my mum gets me out of bed, it’s breakfast time. I grump a lot because in the two seconds it takes her to prepare my food, I worry that I will never ever be fed and the breaking of my overnight fast will never happen. It’s stressful.
When we have dropped my brother off at school, I like to talk loudly about my displeasure at the situation. Who is going to follow me around all day and yell, “SHE’S EATING SOMETHING!” at my mum? I mean, most of the time I’m not eating anything when he says it but he’s trying to be helpful and it’s nice to know he cares. Unlike my mother who says things like, “Gah. I give up. As long as it’s not toxic or it used to be food, I give up. I’ve vacuumed like 3 times today!”
If my mum has someone to meet or a task to do after school drop off, I will suddenly become very very cranky and tired and need a nap immediately. If my mum doesn’t have plans, I will go and go and go all morning in a very happy mood.
When we’re at home, I have my favourite circuit to do. I like to find all of the crevices around the dishwasher, so I can look for random crumbs and weird stuff that gets stuck in there. Then I like to look under my high chair for stuff my mum didn’t manage to clean up yet. If I hear her start the Dyson up, I rush there to get what I can. I’m not stupid. I know all the best floor food is about to disappear – you snooze, you lose.
Then I head for the glass panelled doors of Mum and Dad’s fancy IKEA cabinet. It’s supposed to be safe but my parents have trust issues. For some reason they don’t want me banging on it with my tiny fists? Why did they even buy this? Are they rookies or something? Apparently this cabinet was never a problem with my brother. What can I say? I like to break new ground.
Next stop is the TV and the speaker on top of the cabinet. Even though they try to hide the cords away from me, I find them. I like to laugh in the face of danger. Also in the face of my mum.
If the oven is on, I love to hang out in the kitchen. It’s totally safe. Even safer if something is cooking on the stove. I don’t know why I keep being taken away from there. What’s the big deal? Adults are sooooo frustrating!
Last stop is the bin. I love hanging out by the bin. I just want to play with the lid and touch all the germs and bacteria. JUST LET ME CRINKLE THE BIN LINER IN MY HANDS, DAMN IT. I can’t wait until I’m tall enough and strong enough to reach in and grab whatever I want. SMORGASBORD, Y’ALL!
Everyone keeps trying to shove toys in my face to distract me, but those are FOR BABIES.
These people have no idea. They are lucky to have me. I’m like a bad ass computer hacker with a heart of gold. I am here to show them their weaknesses so they can be better.
The End.
