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27 weeks pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just one big bummer, posting these updates to depress everyone with. I have made no secret of the fact that I kind of totally suck at pregnancy. I fully acknowledge that things could be much much worse and I am so grateful that the baby is OK at this point, but it hasn’t been easy. I just hope that by recording how it really is in my own personal experience, that maybe I will make someone else feel less alone about it all if they are having an experience that is in any way similar to mine. I also don’t want to give the wrong impression. I want to keep it real. I want to look back on this time and realise that I was a super-motherfuckin’-hero. Getting through each of my pregnancies (and even the hard work it took to achieve this one) makes me realise I can get through just about anything. Well, in a privileged, able bodied person kind of way, anyhow.

My 27th week of pregnancy was pretty intense again. The weather was warm and I was suffering. It turns out that I have no ability to survive any level of humidity whatsoever. I was freaked out after a visit to my parents’ house, when I stood for literally 5 minutes in the sun while we said goodbye and got into the (probably a bit hot too) car. Because that was all it took for me to become unbearably, panic-stricken itchy. We got home and I had to literally sprint for a cold shower just to calm down. Holy shit!

The next morning I was meeting my bestie, Alice, for brunch. I was really nervous. Like sick to my stomach nervous. I was scared I’d freak out in public if the weather got to me again. Luckily for me, there was a stiff breeze in town (the day before had been so still that you could cut the humidity with a knife) and we had a lovely time. This really helped me to regain my confidence. Maybe I could still have a life? Kind of?

This week I felt really glad when my mum started to talk about supporting me with some of the Little Mister’s school runs. I have found them really challenging. It’s hard to get out of the house on time when you have so little sleep, plus a demanding rash treatment regimen. Not to mention a kid who takes ages to eat his cereal (although honestly he is just so good generally). I imagine in an ideal world, I would get up earlier and be all ready for the day, but sadly if I did that, I would probably pass out by 10am and that’s not really an option. Then in the afternoons, I have to get in my car in the heat of the day and wait at the school in the queue. I’ve tried to time it so I don’t have to wait long (and even then I have my car’s air con blasting), but it is the end of the day when I struggle to not itch in general. Having my mum offer to help with some drop offs and pick ups here and there made me feel so relieved. We are so close to the end of term and I am so excited about the holidays starting!

This week I had an appointment with my doctor…who had to run out of the building for an emergency at my exact appointment time. Like I literally watched him go. Oops. I saw a midwife, though, and she measured my belly (everything right on track even though I look huge), I heard the baby’s heartbeat and she arranged for me to get a prescription for a steroid cream instead of the ointment I was using, which was leaving me feeling greasy (everyone loves feeling greasy when it’s humid right?). I was really relieved to try something that might help me get ready quicker each day. Having to wait for ointment to soak in (which it never really does) was so difficult when I was always on the run in the mornings, or wanting to collapse into bed at night. This alone gave me hope that I might be able to improve my situation in a small way. It was really exciting to see that my doctor had prescribed me a generous amount – less chasing up at the pharmacy constantly. YES.

My PUPPP rash was really eating my arms and legs this week. It was trying to fill in every single gap that hadn’t already been ravaged since my 19th week of pregnancy. It was quite intense and hellish, to be really honest.

After being diagnosed with gestational diabetes in week 26, I went to a group meeting with the diabetes educator on Friday. We were given our glucometers (to measure our blood sugar levels), some general information and an appointment for week 28 with the nutritionist/dietician. I was really bummed to be going down this road again. While living healthier is always a good thing, diabetes or not, being so limited and worrying that you might not be able to control it on your own (without insulin and the requirement of having to have your baby in a different hospital away from home), sucks. We were instructed to fill out a food diary for four days and then report back our results. I walked out of there feeling a bit confident and cocky if I’m totally honest. I’d been through this before (in 2011) and aced everything. I’d controlled my condition entirely by diet choices and my baby had been a very normal size. I probably shouldn’t have been so sure about it this time around, but that’s a story for my next blog post!

 

15 weeks pregnant.

Week 15 of my pregnancy felt like a bit of a roller coaster of emotions! I blame the hormones!

I learned that I’m a bit more sensitive to the energy of other people when I’m pregnant. One example was a beautiful, sunny day when we went out to a community event. There were people everywhere and there was a wonderful, buzzing atmosphere. We ran into heaps of people we know and it was lovely. I actually had a really great time! When it was all over, I felt like I was completely wrecked and on the verge of tears! I think I had just gone into some kind of overwhelmed state and I couldn’t process everything. I was also feeling a little awkward as so many amazing people were excited to congratulate us in person and I never know what to say (although the sentiment is so lovely and it feels so nice to know so many people care so much). I think I just needed a nice shower and a rest.

The next emotional moment was a heart wrencher! One day, the Little Mister had written everyone’s names on his little chalkboard. Mummy, Daddy, Little Mister (obviously he wrote his real name) and the joke name for my bump. The names of everyone in our family. It was very sweet. Later that afternoon, Mr Unprepared walked past and noticed that the Little Mister had rubbed his name off the board but left everyone else’s. He asked why he had done that and the Little Mister replied, “Because when the baby comes you won’t love me anymore.”

He had the saddest little face and Mr Unprepared scooped him up in the biggest hug and tried to reassure him that it could never ever happen and that we would love him forever and ever no matter what. I had been in the other room and walked in wondering what was going on after hearing the tail end of their conversation.

When Mr Unprepared explained, I wanted to cry for my little man (who has wanted to be a big brother for the longest time)! I hugged him tight and told him that one of the reasons we wanted so much to have another child was because we wanted two children to love and who could love each other – not one! I said the family would never be the same without a very important person in it – him. That Mummy and Daddy’s hearts are so big that there’s plenty of room for us to love two beautiful children just as much as each other and that would never change. He seemed really reassured by that and afterwards, his demeanour changed a lot. He seemed a lot less anxious and more sure of himself. Poor little mite.

I was trying to figure out where he got that idea from. We had certainly not treated him much different. We talked about the baby coming, but I had always made a point of not obsessing in front of him. We had talked about the dogs – one of our dogs is very old and we were worried about her health (turns out the spritely old bugger is fine) and had mentioned in passing that when she was no longer with us, we might just stick to one dog for a while. Could it have been that?! I felt a bit bad when it occurred to me! I’d been giving the Little Mister extra cuddles and affection since I’d found out I was pregnant because I wanted him to feel special. Did he think I was just getting my last hugs in before the big goodbye where we set him adrift?! It was heartbreaking to think that he could even believe that we’d stop loving him. Whether he likes it or not, he’s got us for life!!!!

This week, I also started to get a bit self conscious about how fast my bump was growing. Being my second pregnancy, I think I’m a bit bigger than I was at this stage with the Little Mister growing inside me. I can’t be sure because I never took photos (sorry not sorry for the spam but I don’t want to miss out this time), but I felt like I was getting huge. I don’t know if it’s a throwback from the extra hormones from IVF but I think my boobs are much more massive than they were last time too! I thought people would be staring at me thinking I’m about to pop. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was only 15 weeks along. Like maybe people would think I was just 90% fat and 10% baby. Even though if that was the case, it would be nobody’s damn business anyway!

I think I felt like I started this pregnancy a little bit behind with my fitness and my eating habits and my weight. IVF (and all that had come before it) had been rough and I weighed more when I fell pregnant than I had with the Little Mister.

Even though the rational me knows that a growing baby/bump is a good sign (it’s the not growing that has to be worried about) and that looks are nothing compared to mine or the baby’s health, the irrational, temporarily insane, pregnant me had a cry anyway. My bump will grow how my bump will grow and it’s a miracle and I needed to get over myself! Mr Unprepared set me straight one night when I did the hormonal crying thing and it really did help. I did get over it.

By the end of the week, my energy started to return. It was a really good feeling. I could make it through a whole day without needing to have a nap! I still fell asleep quite early at night, but that’s acceptable I think! I had started to think that maybe being an exhausted sloth was just who I was now. It was a relief to find out it wasn’t!

Do you have more than one child? How did your first born react when they found out that a sibling was on the way? Did they worry? 

The last 5 shows I’ve binge watched.

…and by binge watched, I mean the last 5 shows I’ve probably watched about half an episode at a time because I had to wait for Mr Unprepared or because I fell asleep too early or because he fell asleep too early or because the Tour de France is currently happening and a certain *cough* cycling enthusiast is annoyingly preoccupied…

In saying that, I also get to watch some stuff alone that I know I could never convince him about so it’s temporarily a win/win situation…I guess!

Anyway, I am not going to defend all of my choices. Sometimes I’m a little left of centre or even a bit dorky or simply just not that into the same stuff everyone else is (WTF is Game of Thrones even about, peeps). But surely I’m not the only one who enjoys that shit!

Orange is the New Black (OITNB)

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I cannot even begin to rant enough about how good this show is. I love everything. The confronting stuff. The outright sick shit. The back stories of each character – the stuff that led them to the place they are today (Litchfield Penitentiary). The attention brought to real social justice issues we face in current times. The diversity of the cast. The writing. Sharp wit. Dark humour. Amazing. I won’t go deep into the premise of the show because we all have google, but it’s so worth a watch. Problem is they only release new seasons June of each year. Now I know I have to wait another year to see what happens next damn it! But can I just say – avoiding all spoilers – that very last scene of season 5 – POWERFUL SHIT. OMG. I can’t even.

I was a little late to the party on this show (it was about 2 seasons in when I decided to start watching) and it was one of those things where the hype is actually justified. It took me by surprise and I was actually stoked that I was ‘behind’ because I could binge for longer!

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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OK, so the premise of this show is that Kimmy was basically abducted by a loony (played by Jon Hamm) with three other women. They were convinced by him that the apocalypse had come and everyone else in the world was dead. They had to live in a bunker underground for 15 years. The show picks up when the women have escaped and Kimmy decides to move to New York City to start a new life.

It’s actually a really cool idea for a show as Kimmy is so naive to how the world has changed in the time she was underground (but has also experienced crazy and probably awful things) and her eternal optimism is quite ‘adorkable’ and is obviously what got her through the tough times.

The show is quite kooky and light and full of other oddball characters. If you have a weird sense of humour like me, then you’ll love it. I have a feeling it’s the kind of show you either love or hate.

Designated Survivor

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I think this show has been quite underrated (i.e. I haven’t heard much buzz about it). It stars Kiefer Sutherland – a ‘designated survivor’ – someone who is picked to sit sequestered in a safe room somewhere during a State of the Union address – in case some kind of tragedy should wipe out the government. Basically, by default he becomes the President of the United States when a terrorist attack takes out the president and most of the cabinet.

He’s just a lower level cabinet member and a genuine and very likeable guy (i.e. not your stereotypical politician) who has to suddenly save the world and make people feel safe again.

It’s the kind of show that has you wondering who he can trust and who is behind the attack. It’s kind of scary how things like that could happen one day. I was hooked on this one – it was good for the suspense. I don’t know if I’m good at predicting things or not, but it had me guessing a few times.

I am so not into political TV dramas but this one sucked me in – I think I liked the premise. He was a much better (albeit fictional) president than the current offering the US has to deal with! Just sayin’!

Party of Five (yes – that show from the 90s)

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Holy shit. I was so excited when this popped up on Netflix one day! When it first aired on TV, I was a bit young to be watching religiously each week (I probably thought I had better things to do like listening to Silverchair and trying to get my hands on all the Hole albums and writing emo poetry), but I had definitely watched. It was all tucked away in my memory banks (the memory banks that should probably be saved for important world history or philosophy or something).

From the second the opening song kicked in, I was transported back to amazing 90s nostalgia in all its glory. The fashion. The hair. The music. The teen brooding. AH-MAZE-ING.

It was a bit full on for a show to binge on episode after episode – the drama was intense and seemed never-ending. Like couldn’t any of them figure their shit out, even just a little bit? And why was everything always happening in the dark? Even the day time scenes? But it was cool to see it again through adult eyes. I felt like some of the issues they dealt with were a bit ahead of their times – progressive. Like how characters dealt with abortion, infertility and IVF, the treatment of openly gay characters etc.

After watching, I may have started stalking the actors online and I am now convinced I want to be friends with Neve Campbell in real life. She seems so NICE. Her hair is so much nicer now too ūüėā

Filthy Rich and Homeless

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OK, so this isn’t your typical Netflix type binge and there were only 3 parts (plus a live talk show style follow up) but I watched it all at once recently and it had quite an impact on me.

It was aired on SBS and you can catch up on it via their On Demand app.

Basically, 5 well off Aussies were challenged to live on the streets of Melbourne (and in crisis accommodation and boarding houses) for 10 days to see what it was REALLY like for those who are homeless.

While the show did draw some criticism for being applauded for rich people slumming it for 10 days, while actual homeless people get no positive attention most of the time, I still thought it was a valuable social experiment – provided the participants and people who watched it DO SOMETHING afterwards.

I consider myself to be a pretty compassionate person who has a bit of awareness of how the ‘system’ works for a lot of people who do it tough. I have a passion for social justice and I learned a lot of things I didn’t know before watching.

It was an eye opener and very powerful. I highly recommend it.

Edit: Damn it – I’ve been informed that this show is no longer on the SBS On Demand app. That really sucks! Hopefully it will be released on DVD or digitally later in the piece because it’s really worth a watch x

What have you been bingeing on lately? Suggestions?

Taking Stock: July 2017

Wow. It’s July already. Happy new financial year? Oh gawd, this means I have to get my tax shit together soonish! Although, admittedly I am not as scared as I was last year, because a kind and strange accountant who insisted on telling me all about some Korean movie he watched once – just because I was born there – sorted me out and I became a fully fledged, all caught up grown up. Well, with my tax anyhow. Baby steps haha.

Wow, how did I end up writing a whole paragraph about tax? I think there’s something wrong with me.

Anyway, you probably know the drill, but every couple of months I like to ‘take stock’ of where I’m at in an exact moment in time. I get to see all of the things that change and some of the things that stay the same. I see what phases I go through and I get to remember silly things I would not have otherwise written down or committed to memory. You should give it a go! I was inspired by Pip at the¬†Meet Me At Mike’s¬†blog.

So, to the 5 people who actually read this – thank you and enjoy!

Making:¬†a lot of snot. I’ve got a stupid cold. I think I am slowly on the mend but I look forward to kicking its butt completely! I swear I wrote this last time too!

Cooking:¬†little square puff pastry base pizzas for dinner tonight, I think! They’re easy and yummy and a big hit with both husband and child. They are best enjoyed with red wine (for the adults that is) on a weekend night while watching the footy.

Drinking:¬†a lot of pure orange juice. Trying to get that Vitamin C! If I can’t get it freshly squeezed (haha I never get it freshly squeezed because I’m lazy), then I buy that Nudie nothing but oranges stuff.

Reading:¬†my favourite blogs again. I’ve kind of not had the energy/blog related mojo lately and I was a bit bummed that I wasn’t catching up. I’m STILL reading The Fifth Letter by Nicola Moriarty. I’ll probably be reading it until the end of time.

Wanting:¬†to recover from this cold in time for a new week to start. I’m excited to do fun things over the school holidays and I do not want to feel gross anymore!

Looking: out the window of my office at the very grey, rainy sky.

Playing: stupid thoughts in my head at 3:30am over and over from that time in 2014 where I screwed something up or that one conversation didn’t sit well with me has become a thing lately. I think it’s because my cold wakes me up and then my brain switches on. ANNOYING!

Deciding: on when to pop out to the local supermarket for a couple of supplies. Do I go just before lunch or do I go later just before it’s time to make dinner? Asking all the big questions here!

Wishing: for everything to turn out OK. Generally!

Enjoying: a little lie in this morning when I really needed it was bliss!

Waiting: for Monday because we’re taking the Little Mister to see Despicable Me 3 and I think I want to watch it more than anyone else in my family does ūüėā¬†Also, going to the movies with the Little Mister is always fun, but DAMN he can put away the popcorn!

Liking: the fact that my blog seems to be back to normal. Could do with a tiny bit more fine tuning, but after all the technical difficulties of late, it’s nice to settle back into this space again! I’m also glad that I’m getting a little of my writing mojo back too. I got a bit disillusioned when I lost a bunch of drafted content recently. It was my fault but it was not fun to see all that work go to waste!

Wondering: if Beyonce’s twins are indeed called Rumi and Sir, as rumours would suggest? Sir! That’s interesting!

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Loving: my family. Always.

Considering:¬†the feelings of others when it comes to fertility/children related topics has become more and more important to me as time has gone on. I feel like we never know another person’s whole story and we need to think before we speak.

Buying: a nice big comforter from Kmart next time I’m there – specifically for epic winter couch snuggling. And because I’ll be going to Kmart, you know I’ll buy about five other things that I didn’t know I needed too.

Watching: Masterchef at dinner time with the fam each night has been lovely. I love when there’s a show I can feel completely comfortable watching with the Little Mister, that the adults can actually enjoy too!¬†

Hoping: the rain we’re having will continue to keep our anxious dog calm. I think it’s like white noise for her. I never have to worry about her losing the plot barking at everything when the weather is like this.

Marvelling: at how the Little Mister has been growing and learning lately.

Cringing:¬†at the fact that Mr Unprepared (aged 34) is obsessed with AM radio – even when the footy isn’t on. Right now he’s listening to a segment on gardening while he works on his car. We don’t even have much of a garden. WTF. In the past he’s even admitted to calling into TALKBACK. HOLY HELL. I’m scared of what he’ll be like in 40 years.

Needing: for the Little Mister to stop being such a hoarder. It makes life painful when I need to cull!

Questioning: why I don’t own more long, comfy pants for lounging about in.

Smelling: grease and brake fluid because Mr Unprepared is working on his car and every time he pops his head into the house to ask me to do something, I cop a waft of it.

Wearing: a wonderfully ratty hoodie with a slightly mismatched skirt. Dashing!

Following:¬†some celebrities online who have been open about their struggles with fertility/secondary infertility. I also bookmark great blog posts by ‘ordinary’ people who say the things I wish I could express SO WELL. These public declarations of what the experience is like really inspire me and make me feel like I’m not alone and there are so many people out there who get it.

Noticing: that it’s probably time to do a little clean up of my desk. There’s stuff I can pack away.

Knowing: what I’m having for dinner from the moment I wake up in the morning is always so calming. My life revolves around knowing what I’m going to eat haha.

Thinking: non stop. Hello, have you met me?

Admiring: mother nature.

Sorting: through the spare room slowly. Stuff to cull and stuff to move back into my office.

Getting: a little more energy and motivation back each day. June was a long and busy month.

Coveting: that new iPad Pro they keep advertising. I know I will not get one in the near future by any stretch of the imagination, but one day maybe I will be able to afford one when the newer, cooler thing is out haha.

Disliking: the fact that I keep falling asleep too early at night.

Opening: my spam email folder recently was fun. So much catfish and scam stuff. I didn’t open any (you’ll be pleased to know) but some of the subject headings were very amusing and not even mildly convincing!

Giggling: is something the Little Mister does whenever he watches something funny on TV and it makes me happy. It’s cool that as he gets a bit older, he understands so much more of the humour and storylines than before.

Feeling: cold. It’s so cold!
Snacking: has not occurred for me yet today. I am trying to behave!

Helping:¬†Mr Unprepared to bleed the brakes on his car is about as exciting as it sounds. It’s always my job. I can’t wait until the Little Mister is big enough to do it!

Hearing:¬†the rain. I like it. Because I’m in my house.


What have you been up to lately? Do you like to take stock?

Taking Stock: May 2017

It’s May! I feel like this year is zooming by, but I’m not mad about it.

It’s time for me to take stock, like I do every couple of months! It’s a great way to capture what’s happening in an exact moment of my life. I find I actually get quite REAL in these posts for some reason. You would probably find out some little things about me that I don’t mention anywhere else. Or not. Who knows. Let’s find out!

Making:¬†time to catch up with myself on this lovely Friday. It’s lovely because it’s Friday and I have a day off from work or boring obligations!

Cooking:¬†is fun on the weekends but not fun during the week when you’re rushed AF.

Drinking: wine tonight. FOR SURE.

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Reading: The Fifth Letter by Nicola Moriarty. I have only just started it. The themes behind the story really resonated with me when I was looking for something new to read, so here we are! I am stoked to actually have something to list here. I am reading more this year like I hoped I would! Not much, but more! Go me!

Wanting: to get to a place in my life where I can commit to anything social/fitness wise/financial without fertility stuff hanging over my head anymore.

Looking:¬†at my Fitbit – I’m charging it right now, so of course I can’t walk anywhere.

Playing:¬†my own music on the way home from the school drop off is the best.¬†I never want to get out of the car because there’s always a good song playing! I think I need a long solo road trip – that would be the best!

Deciding: on what I will do exercise wise today. I think some treadmill time and some Fitness Marshall dance work outs sounds great. I just want it to be fun today.

Wishing: with all of my heart and soul for some fertility success this year.

Enjoying: the quiet. I love the quiet of my house right now.

Waiting: is difficult. I am getting more impatient as I get older, I swear it.

Liking:¬†Instagram stories more now that it’s been around a while longer. I am using it more and looking at other stories more too. I think it’s just an extra procrastination tool to add to my snapchat addiction! I still think they stole it from Snapchat and WTF but it’s growing on me.

Wondering:¬†if the weather will make up its mind about what it wants to do right now. I like that it’s trying to hold onto the warm sun, but I hate that it changes from one extreme to the other in one day! I never know what to wear!

Loving:¬†the fact that I’m finding my own unique style again. Each year I hit a bit of a style slump but there’s no better feeling than picking myself up again and updating my wardrobe.

Pondering:¬†over when I should return to my hair salon and enact the second part of my plan to get really rad hidden rainbow hair happening. I’ve already lightened it once, but I need to go back to get it really bright blonde for maximum fashion colour impact!

Considering:¬†whether or not to start doing afternoon school pick ups through the kiss ‘n’ drop lane. The Little Mister has been nagging me (he thinks it’s such a big kid thing to do) and while the idea of never leaving my car sounds super appealing, a part of me knows I’ve been a bit absent this year at the school with all the fertility shit, so if standing awkwardly at the school gate for a few minutes a day so I get that great after school run-up-and-hug is what it takes to feel like I’m THERE, then I think I’ll do it. Maybe I can pick and choose a few days to do kiss ‘n’ drop when it suits. Compromise!

Buying:¬†jeggings for the first time recently was a little out of character for me, but a great decision (and I can’t believe I’m saying that)! I made sure to buy the ones that basically look like jeans and weren’t too obvious. But the stretchiness of the waistband has been welcomed! My body fluctuates all the time (partly due to constant weird fertility treatment shit and partly because I love food) and I got sick of playing the ‘will I have muffin top today’ game.

Watching: a bunch of stuff on the go on Netflix lately. Chelsea, Riverdale, Designated Survivor. 

Hoping:¬†I’ll get to catch up with some good friends soon. I’ve got a couple of peeps on my ‘must see soon’ list and as soon as my schedule becomes a little more predictable, I can’t wait to arrange something.

Marvelling:¬†at the kindness of strangers. A couple of ladies with really full trollies let me go in front of them at Aldi today because I only had 3 items. They were so nice. That’s the kind of thing that I like to pay forward. I hope I get to do that for someone else soon.

Cringing:¬†at the fact that I had to avoid a good (male) friend at the shops today. I had a bunch of bras in my hand and it just seemed like stopping to chat awkwardly was not something I felt our friendship needed in that moment ? I hid like a big baby in the womens’ accessories section until he was gone!

Needing: a few more nights of good sleep. As always.

Questioning:¬†what amount of cleavage is a classy amount of cleavage. I have had the girls out a little more than usual lately. Slightly lower necklines and the like. Nothing too crazy or inappropes, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. I always worry people will judge me¬†even though they shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t. I think I hid my chest area completely when I got pregnant with the Little Mister and had a bad rash (in 2011) and never got my confidence back again.

Smelling: nothing. No news is good news.

Following:¬†the Facebook page of a local personal trainer who does group boot camps on the beach nearby. Her class times sound really good, I love being at the beach, I need to do something like this, but I haven’t figured out if I can commit yet. So I am watching quietly and biding my time like a really good stalker.

Noticing:¬†that¬†I feel nice and calm today. I’ve needed this after a week full of nervous energy.

Knowing:¬†what I’m doing would be great. Generally. In life. Ha!

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Thinking:¬†about my plans for the weekend. Hopefully I’ve struck the right balance between rest and getting out of the house enough to avoid insanity.

Admiring: people who are there for others, even when they have their own struggles.

Sorting:¬†my wardrobe out still. I’m so excited to actually have clothes to wear this autumn/winter.

Getting: messages from my besties and just talking shit back and forth is always a great part of my day.

Bookmarking:¬†silly videos I find on Facebook that I want to show Mr Unprepared later so he can laugh or cringe. I don’t know if my efforts are always appreciated ?

Coveting:¬†those Dyson stick vacuum cleaner things. Or a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner. One day I shall have one. One day. Just not for Mother’s Day. Because that might not go down so well haha.

Disliking: not much right this minute.

Opening:¬†my fitbit app is the first thing I do each morning. I like to see how I slept. Sometimes this is a valuable exercise and sometimes it’s a self inflicted torture thing haha.

Giggling: about my people watching adventures in the school car park (yes my life feels like it revolves around the school car park Рcan you tell). I see some really great things that make me laugh (in a not obvious way of course).

Feeling: happy right now. In this moment!

Snacking:¬†has been a problem. Mostly because there’s SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in my house right now. I am not normally a snacker or a chocoholic but the temptation is just too great (and the PMS has been real too).

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Helping: myself to relax by having a quiet day seems to be working.

Hearing: birds making noises in the distance. Which is so much nicer than listening to the recent ridiculous night time cat fights (they are not our cats but they think our place is an ideal battleground Рgah)!


What have you been up to lately?

Kez Gets Physical: Let’s try that again!

Look, I had great intentions when term 1 of the school year began. I was going to work really hard on being one healthy little mofo and have amazing success like I did at the end of last year.

Then life got in the way.

In hindsight, I really did have some odds stacked against me. While it could be argued that there is still no excuse for not living as healthily as possible, realistically, I was going to struggle. I was sick for half of the term and the other half, I was undergoing intensive fertility treatments (no – I’m not pregnant – feel free to spread the word ?).

The best I could do was maintain my post Christmas weight (an extra kilo or so) and then accept that my diet and exercise routines would be disrupted, with me eventually putting on a second extra kilo for good measure (medically that would have been hard to avoid – long story – won’t bore you).

As we close out term 1 now, I see another opportunity to kick arse. I have a decent gap between treatments and I am so excited to have the freedom and the energy to do whatever the f*ck I want with my body. That’s been the biggest thing for me. Feeling like my body is my own again for a bit. No tests. No invasive procedures or ‘look sees’. Bliss! Maybe¬†my fellow fertility challenged¬†peeps might understand this?

I need to optimise my time and put in the hard yards to get ahead again.

I want to feel fit, strong, leaner and more agile. I also kind of feel the pressure to fit into all my new (slightly smaller) clothes I literally just bought right before I puffed out in the last couple of weeks (most of which was medically unavoidable – again long story).

I am proud of myself because we just got home from a great trip to NSW. Despite indulging a little, I came home the same weight I was when I flew there. I even lost some body fat! Yes!

Moving forwards, here are a few things I want to commit to:

Doing ALL of the work outs

Often I’ve chosen to (or have been advised to) pass on some particularly challenging/awesome looking work outs I’ve seen online etc. It was disappointing but important that I listened to my body. Right now I have no reason to fear anything. That feels so good. I am going to do whatever takes my fancy. I’m going to work my whole body and have fun giving anything a go. I actually crave all the initial soreness that comes with trying new things and I look forward to moving past that soreness and realising that I’m getting stronger/fitter. When something takes my fancy, I will bookmark it and try it at my earliest convenience. I can’t wait to see the difference that occurs in my body when I can vary my routine more. No more holding back. YES!

Avoiding food that isn’t the best for me

I’ve rattled on about this before. I just need to cut down on processed food and carbs and excessive sugar. Same old story. I just need to be more disciplined. I really feel like my head is finally back in the right place to get started again.

Weight loss

While I have a specific goal I’m working towards medium term, I will be happy if I simply lose more weight than I have gained recently. While I have mentioned that I’d like to fit in my clothes better, this really won’t be so much about the numbers on the scale. It will be more about feeling really healthy (mentally and physically) and living really well.

Drinking more water

I admit that I can be terrible at keeping up my water intake. Recently I was medically advised after a procedure that if I didn’t, then I could become quite sick (it’s standard advice for all who undergo this). I forced that 2-3 litres in a day and I honestly do feel better for it and I am glad the habit was created. I am finally out of the danger zone with my health, but I want to continue this regardless. My skin looks less scaly and dry too. I love not having chapped lips – they look waaaay cuter when I put on my lippie!

Documenting my progress to stay accountable

You can follow the hashtag #kezgetsphysical on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter, to see how I’m going! If you want to share something you’re up to that I might want to see/try/celebrate with you, then use the hashtag to get my attention! I’d love to share in your journey (yuck – “journey” haha).


OK, so there it is. I’ve so got this (again), right? I swear, if I get sick again, I’m going to get a bit stabby. But we’re going to think positive, aren’t we? Yes we are.

image: GIPHY

Kez Gets Physical: Non Scale Victories.

Oh boy. I felt a bit embarrassed by my huge proclamation of how amazing everything was going to go with my healthy living habits once school returned for term 1 this year. Because it hasn’t exactly gone to plan! The first week was stressful – I (along with Mr Unprepared) had a very important (in)fertility appointment the day before school went back and the Little Mister then had staggered starts to his pre-primary career (it’s his first year of full time school). This led to both comfort eating and me just not getting my head around the fact that the holidays were over! The routine wasn’t fully in place yet!

Week 2, I was really excited. I’d been waiting for the school term to kick in properly and I was quite motivated! Which of course was a great time to come down with a throat infection. My diet wasn’t totally terrible but it wasn’t amazing. I was exhausted. I was on cold and flu tablets. I was just surviving – not much exercise for me!

So, week 3… It started pretty well! Walks with my OG MG (that’s me trying to be like a cool kid but being a really lame parent while describing my original mothers’ group from when the Little Mister was born). Time on the treadmill. Better organised meals etc.

After that, I got sick again. Or maybe my original sickness never truly left me. GAH.

But then I realised that the numbers on the scale are definitely (thankfully) not everything! I have had some great non scale victories lately and I should celebrate those!

A funny little hollow in the middle of my back

I’m a bit weird. I don’t measure myself, but occasionally I’ll discover something new about my body. Like I’ll literally stumble across a part of my body with my eyes/hands and think, “oh that’s different”. Today I felt a little hollow in my lower back. A little dip near my spine that didn’t used to be there. At first I thought maybe I was actually getting fatter as the fat on my sides seemed more accentuated thanks to this little hollowed area. Then I realised that I can feel my spine more. Like I can tell I’ve lost a few layers of fat in that area.

I’ve been self conscious of my back fat, so this was really encouraging! I hope to get back that lovely thing that happens when you’re in shape and your back curves in nicely and your butt becomes more defined! Right now I sometimes feel like I have one big back-butt LOL. I mean, I look normal enough in clothes, but I would love to see that change when I’m in my birthday suit.

My mum noticed I’ve ‘lost weight’

I hadn’t seen my mum for maybe a month (she was interstate for a bit) and when we got together she said I’m looking good and like I’ve lost weight! This was a really really great thing to hear because I know I can be really self critical and I can always trust her to be brutally honest if need be. So when my mum says it, I know she means it. While the scales might not say I’ve lost weight since Christmas, I must have stayed a bit more toned or have lost some fat. Awesome!

My dad said he could see a change!

So I love my dad, right, but ask my mum and she will tell you he can be a little slower to catch on if you get a hair cut or new glasses etc haha. When he said to me that he could see a difference this past weekend, I was over the moon!

I’ve dropped a dress size or two!¬†

It’s taken me a while to get here, but I’ve finally accepted myself as being two smaller sizes*¬†in everything except pants (they’ve always been my worst enemy apart from that one time I was too skinny in year 11). I was busting out of my old size¬†in dresses or t-shirts and now I find myself reaching for a smaller size¬†and fitting into cute dresses that actually suit my height (i.e. short arse)! I am one size smaller in jeans and there’s a little muffin top, but it could be considered a good fit (any bigger and I’d have a pouchy crotch area – nobody wants that).

Recently, I’ve found myself enjoying clothes again. Feeling reassured that something will fit when I try it on – the only question after that is whether the style flatters me. I remember despairing at trying on larger items to find nothing really fit OR flattered, as being a shorty, going a size up was not going to work without a lot of alterations in dresses etc. I’d somehow become used to that.

Last week I tried some things on, on a whim. I have a couple of special occasions coming up and I just wanted to see what was out there. I was consistently two sizes down in every store (you know how those damn sizes always vary from label to label). That felt amazing! I had so many more options than I used to. I can only hope this gets easier and easier as I continue to head towards my goal weight and tone up a lot more!

My legs

I’ve started really playing with the incline settings on my treadmill. This seems to have made a difference in my legs! They seem a bit more toned and I like how my ankles seem to be a bit more defined! My legs haven’t chafed during exercise in a while either (although we’re still very much in mermaid thigh territory – not necessarily a bad thing – what’s the point in a thigh gap anyway)!


I’ve still got to work harder at getting back on track, but I am being as kind to myself as possible. This term of school is a little lot more disruptive in nature¬†than I might have originally anticipated. Just wanted to touch base, keep it real, and also remind myself that there’s more to being healthy than numbers on the scales. Thank goodness!

I may sometimes feel like I’m just headed nowhere (there’s nothing worse than being sick and unable to be proactive about exercise), but these things have kept me feeling encouraged about the changes I have been able to make. I’ll just keep plugging along!

Have you had any non scale victories recently?

 

*You might wonder why I haven’t mentioned my specific dress size. It’s because I don’t want to put any attitudes out there that certain¬†sizes are something to be ashamed of or should be ideal. They simply did/didn’t work for me. One size can look very different on every woman!

 

Things I could do instead of being on hold.

Today I had to make some phone calls that I was dreading. Not just because I sometimes get tongue tied on the phone with strangers (didn’t happen today – a miracle!), but because I hate being put on hold. HATE IT. I mean, does anyone actually like it?? That music (or more accurately muzak). Those patronising messages every 5 minutes about how the service provider is thankful that I am waiting and that they appreciate my call and that I am in a long queue – thanks for being patient (when I have no choice). Yuck yuck yuck.

I got off lightly because in total, I was only on hold for 40 minutes. I had predicted that I would be waiting that long (or longer) for only one call to be answered. Still, it got me thinking about all of the things I could do instead of being on hold and, for those collective 40 minutes, I realised that I had taken for granted all of the other 40 minute blocks of time I’ve had in my life where I wasn’t on hold and what I could do with that time to make my life more enjoyable! I’m only half joking.

I thought about doing these things at the same time as being on hold, but that muzak made me feel stabby and I couldn’t think straight with it on in the background or hear anything else haha.

15 minutes

  • Program my DVR for the entire week – because that stuff takes time (priorities!)
  • Listen to around 5 pop songs (at about 3 minutes in length each)
  • Drive from my house into the centre of my home town to do more enjoyable stuff
  • Put on a pore strip and then remove it and stare at it for about 5 minutes (because that’s the fun part)
  • Write this little list of things I could do in 15 minutes while on hold (taking lengthy pauses to think in between ideas)

30 minutes

  • Give myself a decent manicure using normal nail polish – taking time to let two coats dry
  • Watch an episode of Home and Away from the night before (including the ads)
  • Do a Couch to 5 K work out on the treadmill
  • Walk to the beach from my house at a leisurely pace (because being at the beach is heaps better than being on hold)
  • Read a chapter of Amy Schumer’s book

40 minutes

  • Watch an episode of anything involving the Kardashians¬†(without ads)
  • Have a nap – you can fit a whole sleep cycle into 40 minutes and actually wake up feeling better!
  • Complete an entire week’s online grocery shop
  • Write an entire blog post
  • Clean half my house

Bonus list – gun to my head – what I would pick over being on hold for 40 minutes:

  • Watching 8 episodes of Peppa Pig
  • Ironing around 13 work shirts for my husband (keep in mind that I don’t iron if I can get away with it and I don’t iron his stuff especially haha)
  • Asking my child to find his shoes because we’re going out (hahaha – I swear it probably takes that long for us to argue about it and for him to find them)
  • Waiting in line anywhere. OK, so that almost comes in at a tie but at least I can people watch and entertain my inner judgy bitch
  • Writing up the monthly family budget and paying all the bills – YUCK. BUT STILL LESS YUCK THAN BEING ON HOLD.

What’s the longest you’ve ever been on hold for? I bet there’s some great Centrelink personal bests out there!

 

Back to School anxiety: mine, not his.

It’s January. That time when it sinks in that the school holidays are not as long as you thought they were and you feel that downward slide back to reality. Another school year, filled with trying to remember stuff and being on time for drop offs and pick ups and SO MANY LUNCHES to be made.

I am looking forward to the Little Mister attending pre-primary full time. I imagine the first few weeks will be full of exhausted after school meltdowns, but I am excited to be able to spread my work hours out over the week more evenly and feel a lot more productive.

The thing is, I get anxious. Anxious that he will fit in and do OK compared to the other kids. Anxious that he’ll be anxious. Anxious that I will forget a whole lot of stuff or be totally awkward in the lead up to the first day back – book lists and the dreaded uniform shop visits (I swear I can never remember what hours or days they’re open).

I know it won’t be as bad as last year. Last year I was a wreck. The Little Mister was starting kindy at the same place I went to high school. I was having all kinds of flashbacks to my time there (nothing horrendous or obviously we wouldn’t send him there – just freak outs because I felt like I was still the student trying to be on my best behaviour and not get in trouble haha). I had never sent a kid to school before. I felt like I was still a kid. How was this happening?! Sure, we’d done day care a couple of days a week in 2015, but this was a big deal!

I had missed an orientation day because I screwed up the dates (and then my husband had unexpected surgery on his toe which would have meant we couldn’t make it anyway). I’d had a couple of false starts trying to get to the uniform shop (see – I messed up their opening hours then too haha). I hadn’t submitted my online booklist order on time, so had to send Mr Unprepared out to scramble for each individual item (which made me nervous because obviously if we got the wrong stuff we’d be outcasts forever haha). I was also feeling like a hot mess for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with the the Little Mister’s schooling. I was not on top of things. I really was not. Even reading this paragraph back tells me that I was not in the running for “Mum of the Year”.

This year, I feel a little more settled. I know the school. I know the Little Mister has come a long way since the beginning of 2016. I’ve met a bunch of really nice school mums and I know I will meet a whole bunch more. I’ve got my shit sorted on a nice calendar now, which I keep updated. I have planned the final weeks of the school holidays so that I have everything done in time.

But still, I feel nervous. Of course I don’t show the Little Mister this and I really hope he can’t tell. He gets nervous enough on his own, truth be told.

I feel bummed that it’s not all holiday fun and games right now in my head anymore (even though that kid is driving me up the wall and ultimately I will be grateful to have dropped him off that first day haha).

I feel silly for being nervous and I feel like I’m wasting these precious last weeks worrying about school stuff when there’s still fun to be had. I’ve really got to get over myself! Just tick something off the list and then go have a blast, Kez. Seriously, woman!

Just like last year, we will survive this one too. I was struggling to get my head around a whole lot of stuff in 2016 (finally beginning treatment for infertility for one and in all honesty grief – grief that my little boy was starting school already and had no siblings that I’d always hoped to give him by the time he started kindy) and I think I should be kind to myself. It was a rough and scary year from beginning to end.

2017 may or may not be any better, but at least I will kind of know what to expect (probably jinxing myself right there).

Awesomely a little less unprepared, maybe?

Maybe one day, my heart won’t leap up into my throat when my child starts a new school year. Please tell me this gets easier! Lie to me if you have to!

Does anyone else get nervous like me? Am I …normal? Or a silly freak?¬†

 

Kez Gets Physical: Week 8 Update

Well well well. I cannot believe it. The end of the school term is finally here! The Little Mister finishes tomorrow and it’s the ¬†holidays! I don’t know who is more excited. OK, it’s me.

This also means that my super strict Kez Gets Physical mode relaxes a little until the school term begins again. You know, because life is short and Christmas is yummy and all that.

In saying that, I have learned a lot during this term of better habits.

I know that I don’t want to slack off and not exercise and eat carb heavy meals every day, even when I’ve told myself I don’t have to. I KNOW. I have come a looooong way. At the very least I’d like to maintain my current weight before term 1 of 2017 begins, but I would love to drop a bit more before then – even if it’s at a slower rate.

I feel like I’ve made good choices in deciding to be much more vigilant about my food and exercise during the school term. It was so much easier to fit new habits into a structured routine and the fact that there is more school term than holidays throughout the year should hold me in good stead. I definitely want to continue this, even when I do reach my goal weight.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about how diet and exercise work together, as I’ve been able to track my body fat percentage during weigh ins. I notice the difference between the weeks when I’ve not exercised, versus those when I have.

So…how did I do in all of the 8 weeks?

Here’s where I’m at…

In total, I have lost 5.7kg – not bad! My BMI is almost back within the healthy range – not far to go at all!

I currently weigh less than I have in the time I’ve owned a fitbit (and could track it well) since October 2013. That feels good.

I’ve dropped a clothing size in my tops.¬†I still need to tighten up some muffin top to feel entirely comfortable in my clothing but I will get there. Some of my dresses are starting to look too big or unflattering now, although I’m not convinced I could drop a size yet.

I worked out for an average of twice a week, throughout this challenge period. That’s nowhere near as much as I’d hoped to achieve, if I’m honest, but life has been pretty hectic and I think I did my best. I will look into finding ways to improve this.

In this past 8 weeks, I averaged 48,203 steps per week. Could definitely improve but I’m not too mad about it.

Where am I going?

Throughout the holidays, I will continue to try to exercise wherever possible. I will be having a few cheat meals or snacks. I will keep my diet predominantly low carb where possible.

I want to work on my mid section more. I’ve always had a fear around this (fertility related shit) but I have decided to get over myself and just work those abs and sides. Why not? I’m not pregnant. If any of my past problems were going to present themselves, they would whether I exercised hard or not. I should just fuckin’ live and stop holding back, damn it! These holidays are the perfect time.

I will have the Little Mister with me more so finding me-time to exercise will be more challenging. Also, Mr Unprepared will be working longer hours, which will be difficult. I will start to do some awesome YouTube work outs during the day – the Little Mister can join in if he wants and I’ll try to clock up my 30 active minutes minimum daily.

I have 2.8kg to lose before I reach my initial weight target. I would be so thrilled if I could reach this target before school goes back. I won’t beat myself up if I don’t but anything that gets me closer by then will make me very happy.

After this post, I don’t plan on continuing weekly updates (because boring!). I will be sure to check in occasionally, but for now I think I’ll give it a rest (you may find little updates with the hashtag #kezgetsphysical on social media). Thanks for those who have stuck it out with me for the last couple of months. This has really helped me to be accountable. I really appreciate your comments and encouragement.


I really needed to make these changes and I am so glad I did. It does take some sacrifice and hard decisions, when temptations (and enablers) are everywhere, but the hard work has been worth it. I feel so much better about myself and I don’t regret it for a second. Getting past those initially difficult weeks where you’re adjusting and suffering from withdrawals is hard, but when you come out the other side you feel so much better. I needed to do this for myself. With the extra weight, I was carrying stress and sadness about my secondary infertility situation. I needed to let it go and start again. I’m getting there.

Thank you for sharing in the (sorry…going to say that word) journey! I mean it. You guys are effing awesome.

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