Category: guest post

A friendship from two perspectives.

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Today I bring to you a weird documentation of a friendship that has stood the test of time, written from both of our perspectives. It’s been about 16 years (I probably got that wrong because I’m sh*t at maths).

I’ll go first…

Kez Unprepared

I met Ash (who now comes complete with new blog which she totally does not update enough despite showing great promise) in high school. We kept each other company in home room. We made bad jokes and I supported Ash’s love of TV presenter Ray Martin (with the unmoving hair), out of pity because I felt like she needed to not be so weird and alone. Kidding. She wasn’t alone. She was just weird. We bonded over creative writing projects (nerds!) and we enjoyed being all sarcastic about our shared private schooling experiences, mocking the weird social ladders that tend to exist in those environments. I liked Ash for her ability to read people and see through the bull.

Ash is always on the move. Picking up and moving from cool place to cool place, living the bachelorette life (mostly) and enjoying the non-parenting life. Ah, the spontaneity!

Despite our lives being quite different, we always make time for each other (when we can). I don’t think that some of our private Facebook messages should ever see the light of day. We’d probably end up in jail. Actually, I think we once had a conversation about what we would do if we both ended up in jail. Things get pretty wacky when we use technology to communicate. We can start off talking about the meaning of life and then end up talking about jailhouse fashion or quoting Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl song.

That sh*t is bananas.

Ash tends to bitch about parents and people who are married a lot. I am married with a kid, so you’d think our friendship would have imploded by now. Despite all odds, we’re closer than ever. I think I really like Ash’s honesty and it makes me feel like I can be honest too. That’s a good quality to have in a friend.

Also, despite not being a massive fan of kids, she’s quite a fan of the Little Mister. She buys him little presents and loves the silly photos I send her. It’s cute seeing them dance together (to music that may or may not even be playing) in a cafe, while I frantically eat my lunch.

I feel like Ash is a childhood memory that will scar me for life 😉

UPDATE YOUR BLOG, DUDE. Ray Martin would want you to. Do it for Ray Martin and his Lego hair.

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Smokey Douglas aka Ash

So I have this friend called Kez. I’ve known her for a while. We bonded back in the days of high school over our general weirdness and our love for Ray Martin (case in point). We graduated, and remained friends. I went off to uni and graduated and Kez went to a lot of unis, and we remained friends. Kez got married while I continued jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship and we remained friends. Kez had a kid and we remained friends. I moved to Melbourne, to London, to Melbourne and a thousand other hovels in between, while Kez made a family home and we remained friends.

I know what you’re thinking, gosh they must really love Ray Martin. And we do. But there are other things that help keep the friendship alive. Because let’s face it, our lives are pretty much as opposite as you can get, and the things in common (on the surface) are dwindling every year as our lives continue in opposite directions, so as amazing as Ray Martin is (it’s the hair ok!) he can’t keep us together forever.

Kez is my friend who I can turn to no matter how shit the situation and she will make me laugh. Well actually her manipulation of her son makes me laugh. Who doesn’t love getting sent a picture of 2 year old smiling cheekily into the camera, with a caption that says “Hey Ash, I’m not wearing pants!”

She’s also honest. She doesn’t just put a smile and pretend everything is fine and dandy. If her day is shit, she’ll tell you. If she’s struggling, she’ll say. It’s a lot easier to turn to a friend and say “I’m having a bad day and I feel like a failure” when you know you won’t be judged in return.

The best part of Kez though is that she has a sense of humour. I don’t understand children, nobody gave me the manual to read, so I am constantly saying things and doing things that I think most mums would take serious offence too. Like my approach to mother’s day; “how come I don’t get a day where I get lavished with presents to celebrate the fact I’m smart enough to use birth control?” Or my approach to raising a child; “Can’t you just shove it in the Ikea ball pit and go to the pub?” While yes, she probably takes offence, she also laughs! Whether it’s at me or with me, well minor details people!

So while Ray Martin still holds a special place in my heart, Kez has become more than that. She is a friend that stands the test of time and I know no matter what, she’ll always cheer me up, have a giggle and nag me to death to update my blog.

This post is a (loosely interpreted) part of the Blog Every Day in May challenge. 



Expert parenting advice (not really).

OK, so I have this friend. Yep. I have a friend. Stop snickering.

This friend has been accused of being a hipster (mostly by my brother), so of course she has moved to Melbourne to hang out with a bunch of cool kids (according to her Instagram), bake frittatas, wear mustard coloured sweaters, thick framed glasses and listen to music I haven’t heard of yet. She is living the single life and has no children…

So I thought…who would be better to ask for parenting advice? You don’t want me to answer that. It was rhetorical. Yes, rhetorical.

Yeah. OK. I just thought it would be funny to pose a bunch of typical parenting type questions for her to answer. Also, I was already putting up with her unsolicited, misguided and dodgey advice anyway. May as well have it ‘on paper’. You know. For the courts and stuff. I am using this information to determine whether I will ever let her babysit the Little Mister. I must say, it’s not looking good. Although, she’s in competition with another friend of mine (yes I have at least 2 friends – what’s your problem?) who believes duct tape is good for discipline and once spilt vodka on another person’s baby. I hang out with all the right people.

Disclaimer: If you need this disclaimer, you’re in the wrong place. Lighten up – it’s a joke post. Everything’s OK and all views expressed below by my dirty hipster of a friend are not necessarily the view of this blogger. She’s mental.

1. My 1 year old keeps bumping into furniture now that he’s learning to walk. What should I consider when childproofing? Turn a room into one of those IKEA ball pits. Ultimate childproofing. Or if that’s too extreme and you, for some bizarre reason, want your child to learn how to walk, STACK HAT. The ultimate fashion accessory of the 80’s.

Blogger’s note: I was once evicted from an IKEA ball pit for acting in a disorderly fashion. My mum had to come and get me. This brings back terrible memories. Also, Stack Hat…maybe not such a bad idea!! 1 point to the hipster who says she isn’t a hipster but it’s still fun to call her one anyway.

2. What types of foods should I be feeding my baby in order to best meet his nutritional needs? Chuck him an apple or something. Apples are healthy.

3. I’m heavily pregnant and I’m not sure what exercise is safe for the baby.  What do you suggest? I find 2 things wrong with this question. Firstly, why would you be exercising? Pregnancy is a time when you can eat pickles and peanut butter for breakfast and lounge on the couch like the fat whale you are. Secondly, I don’t actually believe in exercise, pregnant or not. The only ‘exercise’ I condone is sex and dancing. So why don’t you just pop on some exercise lycra, head out to the local nightclub and bust some moves. And if you’re lucky, you might pick up taking care of exercise option 2. And let’s face it, you’re not going to get any more pregnant.

4. My toddler is being really clingy (crying when I step away) and I can’t seem to get anything done around the house. Is there a way to somehow fix this? Pop him in a pillow case and peg him to the clothesline. The whizzing around will be fun and keep him entertained.

5. We have a baby monitor for when the baby is sleeping at night. My husband and I alternate the nights that we are ‘on duty’, but my husband seems to sleep right through his cries. What should we do? Beat your husband with a cricket bat until he wakes up. Or turn off the baby monitor if you can’t find a cricket bat.

6. I’d like my child to be bilingual. When is the best time to introduce a second language and how do we get started? Switch Sesame Street for SBS. They chances of them growing up to be bilingual / soccer star/ porn star are greatly increased.

7. My friend’s baby is turning 1 soon and I am not sure what is a good gift to buy her. What do you suggest? Use the money to buy yourself a present for surviving thus far. The kid is 1 and will be happy with a cardboard box.

Blogger’s note: Buy myself a present for surviving my friend having a baby for a year? Huh? OK. Are you even reading these questions properly?

8.  When purchasing a car seat for an infant, what safety features should I be looking for? Can it be easily removed and chucked in the boot? You need that room for when you’re the designated driver and you have to pick up your awesome friends from the pub.

Blogger’s note: And where would the baby be at this time? Just left at home with the TV remote? OK!

9. I am pregnant with my second child. I am worried about my first child getting jealous. What can I do to minimise this? Love your second child less. Although from experience, second children do tend to grow up to be the most awesome. So I guess you just need to tell the first child to man up and grow a pair.

Blogger’s note: My friend is clearly a second child.

10. I have this friend (who doesn’t have children) who keeps giving me advice about parenting. How do I tell her that it’s not particularly helpful? This is just silly. Your friend is awesome and incredibly smart. All her advice is useful. Always.

Disclaimer #2: These questions are just generic parent-y questions that anyone might ask (just read the internet). I am NOT KNOCKED UP :/ No rumours, please you naughty little minxes!

Do you have any questionable friends like mine? What’s the worst/weirdest unsolicited parenting advice you’ve ever received?

You can find my friend’s ramblings on her awful, terrible blog.  I really don’t recommend it. Not at all x

20SB Blog Swap: Lisa’s Summer Bucket List.

I just love when I get to “meet” new bloggers and I must say I’ve hit it off with Lisa of My Journey to Becoming Helen Mirren’s Biggest Fan. Not only did she take the effort to swap blogs with me for a day (see my post here), but she’s pretty funny and while you would think that anyone who dedicates a whole blog to open letters to Dame Helen Mirren might be a little…off…she seems quite normal – or at least weird in a good way 🙂

Anyway, Lisa is funny and honest and I think I’m going to become a regular reader. That’s the cool thing about the 20 Something Bloggers Blog Swap (say that ten times fast – actually that would be a big waste of time but you get what I mean). 20SB is an awesome community to be a part of and I’ve enjoyed discovering bloggers from all around the world. It sounds a little nerdy but it’s so much fun (and totally cool).

Anyway, without further ado…Here’s LIIIIIISAAAAAAAAAAA (that was my best Oprah impression)…

 

It’s summer here on the west coast of the United States.  I know this because I see girls wearing more inappropriate clothing than usual and sometimes on the weather report there are sunglasses on that picture of an ignorantly blissful sun.  It’s about 15 degrees warmer here in Los Angeles than it was 6 months ago.  It gets light earlier and dark later.   I got through elementary school, so I’m pretty sure all this quacking means that it’s summertime duckling!

But other than my very keen observations while watching TV, I wouldn’t know what time of year it is.  I’m here – at work.  And I’m here at work every day, every month, from around  9 to 7 (or 8… or… 11).  My work schedule knows no season.  My weekends are spent doing what I always do on weekends –  running before the sun comes out, eating brunch al fresco, seeing poor re-makes of old movies I never saw the first time around, drinking rose on someone’s patio.  And while it’s all fun, my social life knows no seasons.  And because it seems like every day could be some random day April, time goes by so freaking quickly.   There is no 3-month break after a 9-month marathon of homework and school dances that tells you that one phase of your life is over and it’s time to start the next.  There’s no mandate to stop on June 2nd – breathe – look around – and jump in a pool.  I blame graduating school.  I blame living in a city that is 75 degrees and sunny even when there are 2 feet of snow blocking my parents front door.  I blame people who get spray tans in October and indoor pools and year-round reality shows that spit in the face of a September through May TV schedule.  But mainly I blame myself.  I didn’t take advantage of this summer (or last summer, or the summer before).  I didn’t plan any big vacations and I only went to the beach twice in the last couple months.  I think I ate 2 hamburgers while standing outside that were made on a grill by some guy who looks more familiar in an apron than without.  It’s a damn shame.
This isn’t a sad post, though.  It’s just a reminder – SUMMER COMES ONCE A YEAR!!!  Even if I’m in my late 20s and I have to drive to a nondescript building and type in a nondescript cubicle every day – IT’S STILL SUMMER!!!  And I refuse to be unprepared (although I may do it awesomely) for celebrating summer.  So here we go.  It’s August 17th.  I’ve got a little over a month left to grab the rising mercury by the horns and make this happen before the calendar says it’s too late.
So here’s my summer bucket list.  God help me if I don’t get this all in before someone somewhere on the other side of the country puts a cardigan on.
1. Go to a theme park (I’ll even accept one that people can die at).
2. Swim in the ocean for 15 minutes because it is refreshing (not because I had to pee and was too lazy to walk across the street).
3. Put together the firepit my roommate got us for Christmas and burn a fucking marshmallow – ON PURPOSE.
4. Drink dirty martinis outside while wearing a giant hat.
5. Fall in love… with a book that I will read in bed when it’s too hot to fall asleep (instead of using the time to watch Chelsea Lately and hate myself).
6. Ask someone to make me a hot dog and to burn it to a crisp but don’t toast the bun – and hold them too it.
7. Take a photo of my really tan feet.
8. Get a really great tan on my feet.
9. Buy aloe vera with a fierce certainty that I am going to have to use it.
Alright.  I’m ready.  I have 37 days to make it happen.  Who’s with me?