Author: kezunprepared

The last 5 shows I’ve binge watched #2

Gosh, I love a good TV binge. I honestly cannot remember life before Netflix and various other catch up apps. Not to mention, I still have an ongoing love affair with my precious DVR!

Here are the latest things I’ve been devouring!

The Wrong Girl

source: Channel 10

Last year, I was unable to ever watch the show while it was airing on TV. I didn’t want to come in half way and have the magic ruined, so I waited until I could binge watch season 1 before season 2 began (it’s still playing weekly on Ten). In the mean time, I read the book and I felt ready.

It’s not my favourite show ever, but there’s a lot of good stuff. It’s Aussie, it’s based on Zoe Foster Blake’s book, the cast is pretty cool. The writers are good. It’s got enough drama but it’s a good light watch.

It basically follows the lead character Lily (Jessica Marais) as she navigates her career in breakfast television and her not-always-nailing-it love life.

Doctor Doctor

I’m not sure if I’ve confessed to this in writing before, but I have this weird crush on Rodger Corser. Like I don’t always like his characters and he’s older (oh gosh I sound awful saying that haha) and definitely not what I expected in a celebrity crush, but there ya go. I think he’s weirdly attractive. Not that he isn’t attractive. He is very conventionally attractive. Just not my usual celebrity crush type, I guess?

Anyway, now that I’ve embarrassed myself…

I will admit that I had no interest in this show whatsoever during its first run on TV, but one day I was flicking through the channels while trying to rest my pregnant arse, when I noticed a re-run. I got a little sucked in. And Rodger Corser. Hello.

So I found season 1 on the catch up app and watched the crap out of it. It’s kind of charming in a cheesy way, but it’s basically about a big time city surgeon who has partied too hard and been sent to his little country home town to repent for a year. It’s basically the kind of thing I’ll probably only enjoy while pregnant and then when I have no brain cells after having the baby. This happened to me when I first had the Little Mister – I actually thought that morning TV was intelligent for a while. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

Z Nation

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Netflix has the first two seasons of this zombie show on it (I believe there are at least 4). Mr Unprepared loves a good zombie film or series and I admit I get right into it (even though I can’t watch it alone because I really think I do believe that zombies could be real).

Anyway, our first impressions were OMG this is the worst. It was almost Sharknado bad. But then we kept watching because who doesn’t love things that are Sharknado bad? We were taking the piss, but eventually we got sucked right in.

Gotta love how the show begins with some great accidentally hilarious quotes about a zombie baby eating a dude (trying to avoid spoilers in case you’re considering watching this masterpiece).

I felt like the Zombie-nado (no joke – it literally was Sharknado bad), the nuclear disaster (which was soon forgotten about in subsequent episodes) and the weird ‘themed’ episodes that felt like they were ripped off from other movies or shows (like the alien X files vibed one) were quite naff but it grows on you. I mean, a lot of the laws of zombie culture were broken in this show and some of the extras that played hordes of zombies were not convincing at all. But it just kind of became something we looked forward to each evening!

Stranger Things

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OMG. So good. The hype was justified! This show was creepy, it nailed the whole 80s vibe, and while season 1 wrapped up very well, it definitely left things open for a great season 2 which I am very much looking forward to.

And can I say that the girl who plays Eleven is absolutely captivating?! And what can possibly happen next?! Holy crap.

I honestly cannot say much because I don’t want to spoil it, but just give it a go and hope that your lights don’t flicker while you’re watching!

Dark Net

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It’s a documentary series about the darker side of the internet and associated technology. The child sex trade, the weird ways in which people can conduct relationships (both for love or for kink reasons), how much people can find out about you, the power of being able to broadcast to masses of people at once, hackers etc.


So, what have you been watching lately? Suggestions? Got any unexpected celebrity crushes?

17 weeks pregnant.

Yo! Here’s my 17 week update…I’m crap at thinking up a really smooth pre-amble so I’m just going to jump into it and let you know how my week has been!

Celebrity baby news…

Yep. We all heard about our good mate Kate and her baby news. I have decided that our babies will be besties. I’m pregnant at the same time as royalty, so that’s nice haha. I have to say that when I read that she is suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum for the THIRD TIME, it made me feel really grateful that I have not had to experience anything like that. Imagining a princess (or Lady anyhow – I don’t know how it works) looking wrecked AF, head over the toilet bowl, really weirdly makes me love her more. Weird pregnancy bullshit does not discriminate, y’all.

There’s a Kardashian West baby rumoured to be due in January. I guess it’s time to let you in on something. I am carrying Kim and Kanye’s baby. I know. Please. No media.

Little Mister has been working it to his advantage…

This week, the Little Mister realised that if he told strangers that I have a baby in my tummy, they thought it was the cutest, sweetest, funniest thing ever. So he played up to it as much as possible.

“Hi, my name is *Little Mister* and my mummy has a baby in her tummy.”

Everywhere we went.

All the “oohs and aahs” and “I bet you’ll be a great big brother”s really made him happy haha. Shout out to all the staff at the local IGA – thanks for sharing in our news 😂😂😂

Cravings…

I had a real hankering for anything peanut butter related. Whether it was in ice cream or a slice or whatever, I was wanting it. I’ve enjoyed peanut butter before, but I have probably never raved about it. In fact, I thought it was kind of an overrated flavour and couldn’t really understand the fuss. I mean, I loved it as a spread on apple slices when trying to be healthy, but that was the extent of it. Now I feel like I get it. I really really do.

Forgetting I am pregnant…

I think I had a pretty good week. At times I was able to forget for a few hours at a time that I was even pregnant. I didn’t feel huge and I could get through the day with relative ease. Occasionally, I would have to run my hand over my belly to remind myself! I swear that at the same stage of pregnancy with the Little Mister 6 years ago, I felt more pregnant than that.

Is it a boy or girl?

That’s been the most frequently asked question lately! Basically, we have decided we want to find out at our 19 week scan. I keep asking myself why it’s important to find out – I’m not that rigid on gender stereotypes – but I really do want to know!! I honestly have no gut feeling about what this baby might be. All I know is that I will be happy either way. It would be cool to have a girl (even things up a little in my house), but I have an AMAZING little boy who I have enjoyed immensely so another one would definitely be lovely.

Do you like to find out before the baby is born or do you like to wait?

Taking Stock: September 2017.

Hello, beautiful people!

Every couple of months I like to capture a moment in time by ‘taking stock’ (a great idea thought up by Pip at Meet Me at Mike’s). It allows me to slow down and really record what life is like on a particular day and I know it’s self indulgent but I enjoy reading these back months later!

Here we go…

Making: my mind up to make the best of this Monday wasn’t really easy this morning but I think I’m getting there! It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks.

Cooking: a good old pasta bake from a jar tonight. A crowd pleaser that will hopefully go down well (and be easy to make) when our nephew stays the night.

Drinking: I’m a bit obsessed with mineral water and lemon at the moment. Whether I prep it myself, order it at a bar or find the pre-mixed stuff at the shops, I am happy.

Reading: Rosie Waterland’s Every Lie I’ve Ever Told – god damn it’s awesome! She’s so inspiring not just as a person who has gone through some shit and lived to tell the tale, but also as a writer! I am so excited to see her speak later this month!

Wanting: the school holidays to hurry up and arrive! The Little Mister is getting that special kind of ‘end of term feral’ and we are all knackered!

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Looking: like a definitely pregnant person now. There’s no mistaking this bump!

Playing: my ridiculously eclectic Spotify music while I cleaned the house today got me through it. One second it’s all punk rock  and the next it’s Beyonce!

Deciding: on whether to have a snack (like 5 minutes after I finished lunch). I find I’m weird these days. Hungry AF one day, grazing the next. And repeat! I guess that’s what the baby wants haha.

Wishing: for a good night’s sleep. Any night where I sleep through would be amazing right now.

Enjoying: this spring weather!! The sunshine is so good for my soul! I’m also excited for a change in my wardrobe – the best thing about welcoming in a new season!

Waiting: for a parcel to arrive. I’ve got some ASOS maternity goodies coming – yay!

Liking: the fact that I’m recording more steps than I have in a while on my fitbit.

Wondering: if I should get a nice pedicure soon.

Loving: the quiet moment that I’m having right now. Just sitting on the couch with my laptop, taking stock!

Pondering: some thoughts on a potential blog post.

Considering: other people’s feelings goes a long way, I find.

Buying: a new vacuum cleaner is next on my nesting list. I have to wait a bit because we just invested in a family car, but I tell ya – after lugging around my temperamental vacuum this morning, I am more than ready to kick it to the kerb for a nifty Dyson number. It will be perfect for when we have another rug rat and I need to do plenty of spot cleans. I am determined to have one before the baby arrives! I WILL HAVE ONE!

Watching: Stranger Things – holy shit it’s good. I didn’t think I’d be into it – it’s more Mr Unprepared’s kind of thing – but it’s great. WHERE THE EFF IS BARB. POOR BARB. Season 2 comes out this month so I think it’s been a good time to start watching! 

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Hoping: My dress (that I’m wearing right now) isn’t see through in the sun. I don’t think it is? But I get paranoid about some fabrics. It’s one of the few maternity pieces I own and I really need it to work! I shall walk with my legs pressed together just in case haha. I have tried to test it in the sunlight and I think it’s passable, but still. Paranoid.

Marvelling: at all the ladies who work out like machines while they’re as pregnant as me (and far beyond). I’ve seen those Insta videos. WTF, I can’t even haha. It makes me wish I’d been in much better shape when I fell pregnant so I could comfortably and confidently continue a more rigorous exercise routine. Never mind. I’ll work with what I can! Walking will be my go-to (with a little bit of kitchen dancing of course)!

Cringing: at the awkward exchange I had with the person who stands at the entrance/exit of Kmart today. I always feel awkward when I’m leaving that place! Do I walk right over to them and show them all my receipts and let them check my bags? Or do I just walk straight on out and only stop if they ask me? Or does that make me look guilty? Do I nod and say ‘see ya’ on my way out or do I just leave quietly without a fuss? I overthink these things and then it always gets weird 😂

Needing: to gain a little more confidence in dressing my ever changing body. I love having a bump but I still find myself questioning my outfit choices and feeling a little like I’ve not quite nailed it. I am hoping that will change soon.

Questioning: whether or not I’m having a boy or a girl. We’ll find out at 19 weeks or so, hopefully! People ask me if I have a ‘feeling’ about it either way but I genuinely cannot pick it.

Smelling: nothing offensive, which is great considering I just cleaned the house. Carry on.

Wearing: that possibly see through dress I described above, plus a zip up hoodie to keep warm. I took off my olive green bomber jacket so I wouldn’t wreck it while I did housework.

Following: less people on Instagram now. I’ve been trying to curate my feeds a lot more. I realised there were a lot of (perfectly good) accounts I was scrolling on by every single day without feeling the need to interact or give a ‘like’ and that I could probably let them go (and wish them well).

Noticing: that my fingernails are finally growing nicely again after a long stint of gel nails. I had to give them a break because they were getting a bit damaged and I found it hard to maintain everything.

Knowing: that I’m almost half way through my pregnancy already freaks me out! I’ll think about things that are happening late this year or early next year and realise I’ll be a massive, waddling freak by then – yikes haha.

Thinking: about my upcoming plan to eat less sugar and carbs – not to lose weight of course – but to try to avoid a diagnosis of gestational diabetes when I have my 28 week glucose blood tests. I had it last time I was pregnant and it drove me mad. Of course I could just be genetically doomed no matter what I do, but I figure I’ll give this a go anyhow in the weeks leading up to the test. Can’t hurt.

Admiring: mums who have a really amazing sense of humour and who aren’t afraid to keep it real. The kinds of people you won’t see trolling the comment sections of parenting articles on Facebook haha.

Sorting: my wardrobe out last week was soooooo good. So many things I can’t fit in anymore!!!

Getting: my shit together in order to tackle a new week. I’ll get there!

Bookmarking: articles on true crime that I find on Facebook but want to read later.

Coveting: beautiful little baby onesies that I see everywhere in stores and online. I am resisting the urge for a few more weeks at least!

Disliking: “media” outlets that use nasty, divisive clickbait to get people to read their articles on parenting, pregnancy, fertility etc. Regardless of whether the actual article itself is fair, balanced and interesting, you’ve lost me if you’ve used an awful headline to suck people in. It bothers me that this gross tactic actually works. I don’t give these sites my clicks anymore.

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Opening: up about my life again, since announcing my IVF pregnancy has felt so good. I don’t feel writer’s block anymore and I am enjoying documenting everything. It’s probably not everybody’s cup of tea, but that’s OK. I have a bit of a one track mind right now! I get it!

Giggling: at the silliest things makes me happy. Yesterday it was my grandfather’s rather…unique technique for cutting cling wrap. You probably had to be there, but there’s nothing better than a giggle with the fam, right?

Feeling: tired, but good right this minute. The sunshine ALWAYS helps.

Snacking: hasn’t occurred yet, but it might once I finish this post!

Helping: others feels really good when it is appreciated. That’s of course not the main motivation, but it feels good to have positive feedback.

Hearing: the dryer working away. Trying to defluff some towels I just bought. Not succeeding too well. I’m now covered in that fluff (will be a great look at school pick up)! So is the doona my nephew is supposed to sleep under tonight and I have no idea how to effectively remove it in time – eep! I need like a huge doona sized piece of sticky paper haha. #domesticgoddess #not

That shall be a problem for 3 hours from now Kez.

What have you been up to lately?

16 weeks pregnant.

At 16 weeks, the baby was the size of an avocado. Yum!

This week, I started to feel some little movements! I felt little movements at 16 weeks when I was pregnant with the Little Mister, so it was nice to have it happen so soon again! At first I wasn’t sure, expecting some of it to be indigestion or something. Trust me, I thought I felt a lot of things going on in there while we were trying so hard for a baby (not kicking or anything obviously but tugs and pains that I hoped were a sign of early pregnancy) and I was always wrong. I am not one to jump to conclusions these days!

A couple of times I sneezed (fact: I sneeze with gusto) and right after, I would feel a couple of suspiciously timed little jabs like the baby was all, “WTF WAS THAT, MUM?”

Another time, we were eating lunch out with friends and I hadn’t really had much for breakfast beforehand. The moment I started to munch on my meal, I felt little flippy, movey feelings! Since then, I have had occasional feelings of movement when I’m still and now I’m really impatient for them to become pronounced enough that Mr Unprepared and the Little Mister might be able to feel them. In saying that, it’s probably a good thing there’s a while until then…I remember how I felt last time at that point haha.

I was really excited because I was able to get out and about in my favourite dress. The one with a cool tiger on the chest and a flowy black skirt. The bad ass dress that I was too scared to wear when I wasn’t pregnant in case it made me look pregnant. Hilariously, when I put it on I realised it made me look NOT pregnant and I was all, you mean I could have worn this all along?!

This week I did a big clean out of my wardrobe. I put aside all of the things I am now too round to wear and I tried on literally every other thing so I could see what outfits I could create from my existing non-maternity wardrobe. I was pleasantly surprised by a few things (and unpleasantly surprised by a lot of other things haha). Now I know how everything will look/fit and that makes life a lot easier. Before that, I was doing trial and error last minute before going anywhere and it was getting a bit time consuming and tiresome!

Also of note: my stretch marks from my last pregnancy decided to reinvent themselves. Back from the dead, a little more dangerous looking and ready to cause trouble. Much like Taylor Swift. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. I’ve been moisturising a bit and praying I will never have a repeat of the rash from hell of 2011.

The Little Mister has suggested some baby names already. So far we have Little Mister Junior, Tim (random) and Pat because he wants the baby to grow up to be a postman. I’m thinking that maybe when we do start to think seriously about names, we might need to create a shortlist first before handing over any input!!

Also, on the topic of the Little Mister – he got his first wobbly tooth this week! Maybe it’s not pregnancy related, but damn it’s awesome and he’s growing up so much and I love him so!

The reasons I will be voting ‘yes’ to marriage equality.

I originally posted a version of this on my Facebook page, but I thought I’d share it here on the blog too…

Fellow Aussies, please please please vote in this upcoming plebiscite for marriage equality (especially if you want to say ‘yes’). It sucks and we shouldn’t be wasting our money and our time and be told to use snail mail when quite frankly a lot of us younger folk hate it, but we can’t boycott it. We just can’t. Because even though this isn’t even binding, we need to make a very clear statement to the ‘no’ campaigners and to our government. That anything less than equality is bullshit and we as a people will not accept it.

There are some bigoted people out there. Some people who are hateful and small minded. These people will probably never change their minds. We need to rise above them – cancel out their votes. We might not get through to them but we need to have conversations with our loved ones – ask them their intentions, their reasoning, explain ours. Because for every extreme bigot out there, there are some well meaning people who might not have thought it through or who despite being otherwise quite lovely people, may be planning on voting ‘no’ out of fear or due to a misguided loyalty to a religious/family background that if they are really honest, they do not themselves completely live by any longer but are scared to step out of line with.

I feel like those are the people we need to try to reach. We all think we feel confident that most of Australia will support marriage equality, but we can’t be complacent. I have heard so many people tell me recently that they thought for sure that their partners, parents, siblings or friends would vote yes, only to have a conversation with them and find out that they had assumed incorrectly. This is a non compulsory vote, so the loudest voices will win. I want love to win. Not fear or complacency or hate.

The reasons I will be voting for equality are:

1. Think of the children! Think of your children. Who might they be one day? Maybe you might not believe that them being gay would be ideal, but if you would love them no matter what and never want them to feel like second class citizens if they ever came out to you, then vote yes. Do it for them and for every other gorgeous child out there who will grow up LGBTQI – they don’t choose their sexuality, they are born that way. How would we feel years down the track knowing we voted against our own children? Or our dear friends’ children who we adore and have known forever?

2. My friends. My amazing friends. A lot of them are not heterosexual. I grew up with these people, attended uni with these people, have cared about these people for most of my life (often long before their ‘coming out’). I can’t stand the idea that I can swan about with my wedding ring on and make jokes about married life, while they don’t even get a choice. Sure, not all of my gay or bi friends want to get married but FFS they deserve the right to choose. How can you look these people in the eye if you snuck off to the mailbox and voted against them having equal rights?? Or if you didn’t stand up for them by bothering to put that shit in an envelope and send it off? You’re no friend. I know that seems harsh, but seriously!

3. Plain empathy and a passion for social justice. I am not queer but I have experienced discrimination. Racism (both overt and casual). Sexism. Being treated as just a little less. Being talked to loudly and slowly and like I’m stupid. Hearing my race or my gender being referred to in ways that are designed to let me know I’m ‘less than’. Internalising that as a young person and starting to believe it. That feels like SHIT. And I don’t want anyone to feel like that about the things that make them them. The things they cannot change. As a society, we need to do better than that. For everyone.

4. Love is always better than fear or hate. ALWAYS. So if more people in our nation are allowed to express that love with a fabulous celebration and commitment to each other, then why the hell should we stand in their way? Our world could do with more of that.

5. The legalities. I want gay people to have the EXACT same legal rights as straight people. I mean come on. It’s just awful that in this day and age, that’s not happened yet. It’s not rocket science.

I don’t claim to have every single fact on the matter but what I won’t do is make up fake statistics or abuse anyone for their opinions. What I will do is speak on the things I do know: love, equality, understanding, empathy, friendship, family.

Everyone deserves that much.

Please vote. Please vote yes.

x

15 weeks pregnant.

Week 15 of my pregnancy felt like a bit of a roller coaster of emotions! I blame the hormones!

I learned that I’m a bit more sensitive to the energy of other people when I’m pregnant. One example was a beautiful, sunny day when we went out to a community event. There were people everywhere and there was a wonderful, buzzing atmosphere. We ran into heaps of people we know and it was lovely. I actually had a really great time! When it was all over, I felt like I was completely wrecked and on the verge of tears! I think I had just gone into some kind of overwhelmed state and I couldn’t process everything. I was also feeling a little awkward as so many amazing people were excited to congratulate us in person and I never know what to say (although the sentiment is so lovely and it feels so nice to know so many people care so much). I think I just needed a nice shower and a rest.

The next emotional moment was a heart wrencher! One day, the Little Mister had written everyone’s names on his little chalkboard. Mummy, Daddy, Little Mister (obviously he wrote his real name) and the joke name for my bump. The names of everyone in our family. It was very sweet. Later that afternoon, Mr Unprepared walked past and noticed that the Little Mister had rubbed his name off the board but left everyone else’s. He asked why he had done that and the Little Mister replied, “Because when the baby comes you won’t love me anymore.”

He had the saddest little face and Mr Unprepared scooped him up in the biggest hug and tried to reassure him that it could never ever happen and that we would love him forever and ever no matter what. I had been in the other room and walked in wondering what was going on after hearing the tail end of their conversation.

When Mr Unprepared explained, I wanted to cry for my little man (who has wanted to be a big brother for the longest time)! I hugged him tight and told him that one of the reasons we wanted so much to have another child was because we wanted two children to love and who could love each other – not one! I said the family would never be the same without a very important person in it – him. That Mummy and Daddy’s hearts are so big that there’s plenty of room for us to love two beautiful children just as much as each other and that would never change. He seemed really reassured by that and afterwards, his demeanour changed a lot. He seemed a lot less anxious and more sure of himself. Poor little mite.

I was trying to figure out where he got that idea from. We had certainly not treated him much different. We talked about the baby coming, but I had always made a point of not obsessing in front of him. We had talked about the dogs – one of our dogs is very old and we were worried about her health (turns out the spritely old bugger is fine) and had mentioned in passing that when she was no longer with us, we might just stick to one dog for a while. Could it have been that?! I felt a bit bad when it occurred to me! I’d been giving the Little Mister extra cuddles and affection since I’d found out I was pregnant because I wanted him to feel special. Did he think I was just getting my last hugs in before the big goodbye where we set him adrift?! It was heartbreaking to think that he could even believe that we’d stop loving him. Whether he likes it or not, he’s got us for life!!!!

This week, I also started to get a bit self conscious about how fast my bump was growing. Being my second pregnancy, I think I’m a bit bigger than I was at this stage with the Little Mister growing inside me. I can’t be sure because I never took photos (sorry not sorry for the spam but I don’t want to miss out this time), but I felt like I was getting huge. I don’t know if it’s a throwback from the extra hormones from IVF but I think my boobs are much more massive than they were last time too! I thought people would be staring at me thinking I’m about to pop. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was only 15 weeks along. Like maybe people would think I was just 90% fat and 10% baby. Even though if that was the case, it would be nobody’s damn business anyway!

I think I felt like I started this pregnancy a little bit behind with my fitness and my eating habits and my weight. IVF (and all that had come before it) had been rough and I weighed more when I fell pregnant than I had with the Little Mister.

Even though the rational me knows that a growing baby/bump is a good sign (it’s the not growing that has to be worried about) and that looks are nothing compared to mine or the baby’s health, the irrational, temporarily insane, pregnant me had a cry anyway. My bump will grow how my bump will grow and it’s a miracle and I needed to get over myself! Mr Unprepared set me straight one night when I did the hormonal crying thing and it really did help. I did get over it.

By the end of the week, my energy started to return. It was a really good feeling. I could make it through a whole day without needing to have a nap! I still fell asleep quite early at night, but that’s acceptable I think! I had started to think that maybe being an exhausted sloth was just who I was now. It was a relief to find out it wasn’t!

Do you have more than one child? How did your first born react when they found out that a sibling was on the way? Did they worry? 

14 weeks pregnant.

This week was full on. We were very busy and it felt like bub was very busy growing too!

It all started when Mr Unprepared showed me a car that was up for auction. He always shows me cars on auction websites (or Gumtree) so I don’t usually pay them much attention (especially when they’re very expensive or have crazy V8 motors in them or they’re the 10 millionth ute he’s fantasised about in a day – he already has a ute damn it). But this time I have to admit that he had my interest. He’d found a car that was newer than mine, practical for a growing family (with dogs), ran on gas (cost effective to run when you have just committed to many school years with hour long round trip commutes) and it actually looked nice in the photos.

It was his version of nesting. He wanted us to have a good, reliable family car so he knew that preggo/mummy me would be safe and comfortable. How could I say no to at least having a look at it? Anyway, long story short, we checked it out in person and I had a really good feeling about it. We hadn’t exactly planned on a purchase like that right that minute, but thanks to some frugal living and pretty sensible financial decisions it was doable. Not to mention that it was a bargain. We won the bidding on it and it’s beautiful to drive! Nobody knows who the hell I am in the school car park anymore but it’s fantastic haha. I do feel comforted knowing it will be a long time before we need to upgrade or worry about reliability/ease of maintenance.

A lot of the week was spent making arrangements to collect the car – I did so many hour long road trips on top of school runs!

I felt a bit uncomfortable when sleeping this week. I could feel my uterus stretching a lot and it was a little unsettling. I mean, obviously it was great that everything was growing, but it could get uncomfortable as I tried to lie on my side at night. I found that the constant ‘stretched’ feeling was exhausting and thought, oh shit – I ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

I’d laugh because when I first woke up each morning, my belly would look quite small and sometimes I felt like I didn’t even look pregnant. However, by the evening it was a different story (no matter how much or how little I ate)! I felt HUGE by the time I climbed into bed!

I felt like my bump had really popped out this week and was no longer just the bloat of early pregnancy. It was a good feeling.

I really enjoyed dressing my bump too. After hiding in hoodies and (non maternity) jeggings for what felt like an eternity, it was fun to not worry about showing off my belly. I actually love being pregnant because a lot of my hang ups about my belly disappear. Suddenly it’s not this annoying body image issue that I have to fight with myself about each day. I think I spent 3 years on and off hormones, dealing with bad PMS bloat and feeling sensitive/paranoid about the idea of someone mistaking me for being pregnant (the one thing that was a sore point for me throughout all the infertility stuff). It was nice to finally be able to shake that off.

Here is the first ‘put together’ outfit I had worn in ages. It felt good – like I’d deliberately dressed myself in something that resembled a ‘style’!

Also, this week I stopped spotting. It had been happening for a couple of weeks and I was so over it. It was so exciting when I realised it had disappeared. I really hope it’s gone for good. Even though I knew my pregnancy was looking good, it is never fully settling to know that there’s some bleeding going on.

Because of this, I started to look forward to the idea of being a bit more active and thinking a bit more about exercise. Key word: thinking. I was a bit too tired and busy to quite get to it!

 

13 weeks pregnant.

At 13 weeks, it felt really good to see the end of the first trimester! I had worked through a lot of feelings, found great reassurance in the fact that our first trimester scan had gone well and I felt comfortable enough to make plans with people again. It gave me a thrill to take my time walking through the baby sections of local shops without having to look over my shoulder and worry about who might see me. I could peruse the (very god damn limited) maternity clothing. I could buy some stuff in person. I was out and about with my bump and it felt good (even though I was still bloody exhausted)!

I took my first official ‘bump’ photo in a Target change room. Turns out that I am a size 8 in their popular stripy maternity dress. I have no idea how they work out the sizing. It’s so weird. I suggest going down a size or two in their maternity range!

I had brunch with a couple of long time friends this week. It was so lovely to catch up. One of these friends was spending some time over here (she lives in the US now) introducing her gorgeous baby daughter (3 months old at the time) to her Aussie people. My other friend is about 10 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and had actually told me about it the day before my IVF transfer (not realising that I was going to have it done)! It wasn’t just the same wonderful catch up we always have. Well, it was. But for me it was also a beautiful moment. We talked all things baby – maternity wear, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, how my friend was doing a fantastic job as a first time mum, how my pregnant friend and I could relate in having a larger age gap than average between our existing ‘only’ children and our babies to be. Weird food cravings and aversions. How amazing it was that the three of us (plus another dear friend who had a 3 month old baby also) had managed to share this experience so closely with each other, despite none of us ever imagining it. I was just beaming with happiness for all of us.

I was thrilled. I had sat there with these gorgeous people and instead of harbouring a little bit of sadness for myself, I had been over the moon. Really happy. I was in sync with my own little ‘second mother’s group’ – something I never thought would happen to me as I fell further and further behind a lot of my friends’ family planning schedules. I am so excited for what’s to come.

This week I had my first really definitive batshit crazy pregnancy dream. The symbolism was so hilariously obvious that I woke up laughing. Basically, it was Mr Unprepared, the Little Mister and I. We were headed for a little getaway. I had my guitar with me and some books to read (i.e. luxuries that can be hard to partake in with a baby or toddler) and we were going to be staying in some flash suite at the top of a hotel (I KNOW). But it turned out that to get to the top floor, we had to undertake an obstacle course. A tricky situation that resembled the Mousetrap board game, somewhat. It took balancing and leaping and dodging things. There were vacuum cleaners and piles of Lego and all manner of shit in the way. This wasn’t your usual ‘take the stairs’ kind of situation! I had to push the Little Mister up through these obstacles, trying to keep him safe the whole time. You get the idea 😂 Nice work, subconscious! Oh, and I never made it to that luxury hotel suite hahaha. OH WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

I had my appointment with the doctor this week, to follow up on my first trimester scan. It went really well. I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again and that was pretty freakin’ awesome. And funny. The slippery little sucker kept trying to escape the doppler, so the midwife had to trap it from the outside with her hands! I’ve got an active one in there! It made me really excited for later on when I’ll be able to feel it.

I also realised this week that I have been a bit scarred from having so many vaginal ultrasounds. I keep associating doctor appointments with having to take my pants off and deal with having an awkward wand up the bits scenario. So I would find myself trying to dress as if it was going to happen, mentally trying to psyche myself up for dealing with that kind of thing. I would do the whole over the top ‘trying to maintain grooming/freshness down there’ us ladies tend to do before that kind of situation, before having to remind myself that those times are over. It’s OK. They’re just going to put some gel on my belly and my pants are staying put. It’s been harder to shake that weird expectation than I thought it would be.

Some people dread dealing with that kind of thing once a year – or ever – so I guess it’s probably understandable that I have lost my mind a little bit after experiencing it about 12 times a year (on average) for like 2 years.

Has anyone else ever had some wicked pregnancy dreams? I want to hear about them. I find them so interesting! 

12 weeks pregnant: Announcement time.

As you might have gathered from my last blog post, I HATED having to hide the fact that I was pregnant for the entire first trimester. HATED IT. While I didn’t feel ready to announce it to everyone (for various reasons), I also hated having to hide things. Because I am not a ‘hider’. I am a sharer. Big on openness and honesty. At least that’s when my soul is the happiest.

It got difficult when I started to show. Even though I’m sure I just looked like I had a severe case of the muffin top (probably kind of still do), I felt incredibly self conscious and would take ages trying to figure out how to disguise my emerging bump. Big scarves. Hoodies that have great front pockets you can put your hands in on cold days. A big puffer jacket. At one point, I literally wore a big camouflage button up shirt which is pretty hilarious now that I think about it.

I was working through a lot of things.

I felt confused. I had survivor’s guilt. Something I did not really see coming. I had bonded with a bunch of amazing women in a private Facebook support group. Women who had been in similar situations to myself – desperate to grow their families but struggling. We had been able to vent to each other and feel safe with each other – no fear of being misunderstood or judged. You felt less alone in there.

I realised that by being pregnant, I was possibly no longer a sufferer of secondary infertility and while it’s something to feel absolutely stoked about, it brought me sadness that now I was set apart from these amazing, tough women. That they couldn’t feel the joy I was feeling. Not yet.

It really gave me an identity crisis, truth be known. Now I’m just another happy pregnant woman and it takes a bit of getting used to! I could still strongly identify with those who would feel sad seeing my bump. Hearing my news. I felt like I would walk around forever feeling guilty that I might be unknowingly hurting someone’s feelings. Because I knew how it felt.

In the end, I realised that I couldn’t hide any longer. That I should celebrate. That I need to for the sake of my mental health. That I never begrudged anyone who was pregnant while I was struggling. I just kept to myself because it was my issue, not theirs. I had to assume that someone who was suffering would probably feel/do the same. If the time came to make a happy announcement, I would not be afraid to document my pregnancy and to share the great news. I would understand if anyone needed to unfollow me or mute anything on the topic, but I couldn’t deny myself my own joy. What would be the point in waiting so long for this moment if I sabotaged it for myself? That would serve nobody. I was so grateful. AM so grateful. To act ungrateful out of some weird guilt would be stupid.

We had planned on not telling anyone until after my 12 week screening. We then wanted to tell the Little Mister, followed closely by our families. We wanted him to be the first to know.

Of course, things don’t always go to plan. When I had my bleeding/spotting scares, I had to call my mum to help me take care of the Little Mister so I could have extra tests. She was able to guess but her and my dad were awesome and not only kept it to themselves, but held back from congratulating us because they knew how I felt. I didn’t want that moment just yet – especially when I was so worried. Not long after that, we let our siblings and my parents in law know because fair’s fair. Everyone was instructed to not let on to the Little Mister. Once he knew, the whole world would!

When the day of my 12 week ultrasound arrived, I was a big ball of nerves. I knew that with that would come the news about whether we were at high risk of having a child with Down Syndrome or other abnormalities. I was so stressed about it. Even though the odds should have been low for us, I was still feeling panicky. Partly because of hormones making me anxious and partly because we’d just come from a fertility clinic where a lot of the patients are older and considered higher risk – it had been drummed into me somehow. Not to mention I was still trying to get past the whole “we can’t ever be that lucky” mentality.

The scan went well. The sonographer was lovely. We saw the baby moving a lot (A LOT!) and all the measurements looked good. It was fantastic to share that with Mr Unprepared who had been unable to see some of my more recent scans in person.

 

Afterwards, I was still a bit wound up and tense. I wanted my phone call. The phone call where the sonographer makes calculations based on the scan results and the blood test results and tells you if everything’s fine.

We were waiting in the school car park to pick the Little Mister up from school when the call came. It was amazing when she told us everything was looking fantastic. I could physically feel a weight lift off my shoulders. It was amazing. I finally felt actual, unrestrained joy.

When we got home, we told the Little Mister by presenting him with a T-shirt that said “Big Brother” in trendy font (as you do these days haha). He took an agonisingly long time to open his gift but his reaction when he realised what it all meant (with a little help sounding out the words) was so priceless. He was overjoyed. He had wanted a sibling for so, so long. He had even invented an imaginary brother and sister for at least the previous year (much to my horror and guilt)!

After that, we told our closest friends via message. It might have been nice to be able to do it in person, but we felt like we had waited so long and we couldn’t possibly cover enough ground. You have to understand my level of desperation at being able to live out of the shadows for the first time in a very very long time. I just wanted the news out there. Not just to be able to share the joy with so many amazing people who had supported us through the tough times and cheered us on, but to be able to live my life without being frustrated, secretive, paranoid or anxious. Finally.

Then came the public announcement…

Not the most artistic thing you’ve ever seen – I couldn’t get the colours right haha. But it made the right impact! Making social media announcements isn’t for everyone, but for us it worked. It got the message out there to as many people as possible. I knew now that I could live my life out in the open and it was a really important step in the healing/moving forward process for me. There was no going back. I had to make that clear to myself. This was real. Now everyone knew. Best get used to it and have some damn fun!

All of the overjoyed comments, the people who had goosebumps, sweaty eye balls and who had confessed to dancing in their kitchens at our news made us feel so amazingly loved and supported. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

The first trimester.

I just want to start this blog post with a huge thank you to all of you who have been following my journey (can we come up with a  better word than ‘journey’?) from secondary infertility to pregnancy. Your supportive comments and congratulations have all been so heart warming and revealing. I think it’s so important that we talk about those hard things. I wasn’t always ready to in real time, but it’s meant a lot to me to share my story – even after the fact. To know you have been there reading along is so wonderful. So thanks. You’re frickin’ amazing. 

I feel so lucky to finally be updating you on my pregnancy. I hope you will bear with me as I document it. I didn’t really write down as much as I wish I had when I was pregnant with the Little Mister, so now is my chance! x

I think this felt like the longest first trimester ever. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, time just dragged. I felt like I was carrying the weight of 3 years of trying to conceive around with me – not just 3 months. All of the cards kept close to my chest. Not being quite as open and as honest as the usual me would have liked to be. The stress of wanting to make sure that all was OK. Even though I was so grateful to be pregnant, I was also sick of still feeling like I was living in the shadows. I didn’t feel safe to celebrate. I didn’t feel like I was able to be fully me. The me I was before we started to try for a baby in 2014. The ‘me’ I’ve missed so much. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I’m stronger and I’m wiser. I wouldn’t take that back. I just missed being able to live my life without it revolving around my fertility (or lack thereof as it was). Having to stay quiet and never quite feeling safe to spill the beans kind of took some of the joy out of the experience. I felt like I was still trying to process everything that had gone before. My head really struggled to keep up. I am not at all trying to sound ungrateful. Holy shit, I am. SO GRATEFUL. This is literally a dream come true. It still didn’t quite feel real.

I spent a lot of days not getting a whole lot done (I think some of my friends thought I was being the laziest cow haha). I was spotting non stop from week 5 to week 8. It scared me and even though I knew I couldn’t prevent a miscarriage if it was ever going to happen, I was worried about everything. The two times I really did venture out, I dodged a bullet with food poisoning (all my friends ate the same thing and had it but somehow I did not – pregnancy super powers?) and I even accidentally ingested alcohol (long story – not my fault and not my friends’ faults either). So then I was too scared to do much after that. And then I bled one day before 12 weeks ticked over (which lasted for two damn weeks). Which was crazy because it was exactly the same day of pregnancy that it happened when I was pregnant with the Little Mister. So I was worried, but trying not to be because the last time I’d had a beautiful baby. But then I psyched myself out thinking that what if I didn’t worry too much but it did turn out to be something horrible. I worried some more. Luckily the doctor reassured me I was fine.

I worried about my 10 week blood test (the one that screens for risk of Downs Syndrome etc). Did I mention that when I’m hormonal, I get anxious? Great side effect, that is. Add all the trauma I was trying to work through from the infertility and the enormity of the IVF and shit got crazy inside my brain at times.

I was quite wiped of energy in the first trimester and I got a bit nauseous so my appetite would fluctuate from non existent to wanting to eat ALL OF THE FOOD. And then when I would eat ALL OF THE FOOD, I’d feel like shit after. I had a bit of heartburn. Who knew it happened so early? Luckily it passed (for now).

But it wasn’t all totally stressful. I was finally able to dream a bit. Slowly begin to accept baby type things into my mind. I could get clucky looking at baby stuff on Instagram. I could be happy when celebrities gave birth. Hey, I was even pregnant at the same time as Beyonce for like a few days. Goals! I let myself watch movies that had been on my DO NOT EVEN GO THERE lists for years. I cracked and ordered some maternity clothes because I was not fitting in my jeans anymore. It was fun looking at pictures of people with bumps showing off some really great fashion ideas on Pinterest. I even found myself hoping some of my good friends would announce pregnancies at the same time as me so we could be baby bearing buddies (some did which was so amazing – I never thought I’d be in sync with anyone in my close circles ever again).

For the first time in a really long time I could think about that stuff without crying or having a mental breakdown. You have no idea (or you might). That in itself was huge.

I was tested a lot during the first trimester – blood tests every week until 8 weeks (plus a couple more when I had bleeding scares). My hormones were always on track. I had my dating scan at 8 weeks which was amazing. Oh and hearing that heartbeat never gets old, right? 😍

I started at a new clinic closer to home where I was lucky enough to get a bonus scan at 10 weeks (again – AMAZING) and when I had that bleed just one day shy of 12 weeks I got an extra scan again! I was really weirdly lucky to get to check in on how it was all going as often as I did. I found it very reassuring.

I started to get a little bump from about 9 weeks onwards (always worse in the afternoons/evenings) as my uterus expanded and changed shape. I am only 5 foot tall so everything shows with me. Even lunch when I’m not pregnant. There’s nowhere to hide anything. Even though I’m a bit chubbier than I was when I fell pregnant with the Little Mister (I honestly blame the infertility stuff because of the hormones and the comfort eating and the irregular ability to exercise the way I wanted to), that bump still made itself known. I had to hide a lot in hoodies with front pockets and big jackets etc. It got a bit stressful! I hated hiding but I was too scared not to.

I was hanging out for the all clear at the 12 week scan so much, like you would not believe!